Lou_Ann Posted July 8 Share Posted July 8 Hi everyone, I recently met a man at dance classes during which we had a lot of fun chatting while dancing. I seemed to sense a mutual attraction between the two of us. At the end of the sessions I asked him if we could keep in touch, which he readily accepted and even suggested that we meet again. A few days later he contacted me for the first time and ended having conversations by telephone for few days. During our discussions he seemed to be interested and willing to chat every evening. A date was then set. We met and I have to say the date went badly, the atmosphere was a bit tense and cold which made me completely nervous. I still don't know what happened. We chatted but superficially without enthusiasm. As we leave, he simply tells me let's keep in touch and maybe see you next time. In the evening , I shared with him mythoughts on the awkwardness of our meeting. He told me: "there is a lotin common, but I want us to remain friends, I don't want to commit, I'm disturbed however , I will always be there for you." I even asked if he has ever felt something between but keeps avoiding the answer saying something "well I don't know" I even encouraged himto tell me the truth even ifit's hurting and it is rather more simple to say " I've never beeninto you" rather than beating around the bush. Also, as a test, I asked him yesterday to ad me as a friend on instagram which he acepted. I wonder what is the point of a man keeping a potential ex-lover as a friendinstead of just cutting ties and leaving without turning back. Is he keeping me on the hand just in case or did I misunderstand the situation from the start? Just some information about him: he is 33 and 5 years younger than me, divorced and father of a 4 years old daughter. He is currently a business manager. Can anyone explain me men's psychology? Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 8 Share Posted July 8 Usually when men or women offer the friend invite, after declaring they aren't interested in a relationship with you, they really don't mean it. That is a soft way of letting you go. I too would prefer a blunt response so there is no question in my mind where they stand. People are cowards. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lou_Ann Posted July 8 Author Share Posted July 8 (edited) Is it still possible for a man to be interested in the begining then change his mind in the blink of an eye. ? I tend to think that he was interested in something flirtatious but I told him that I was looking for serious relationship which made him leave Also why would he accept me as a friend on social. This is even more inconsistent. Edited July 8 by Lou_Ann Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 8 Share Posted July 8 37 minutes ago, Lou_Ann said: Is it still possible for a man to be interested in the begining then change his mind in the blink of an eye. ? I tend to think that he was interested in something flirtatious but I told him that I was looking for serious relationship which made him leave Also why would he accept me as a friend on social. This is even more inconsistent. Like most, it sounds like he was interested in a casual sexual relationship, but then you said "serious relationship" and that is not what he wanted. He accepted you as a friend on social media to be polite. Why did you want to be his social media friend after he rejected you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lou_Ann Posted July 8 Author Share Posted July 8 It was just a test to check his reaction. I have no intention of interacting with him. He could have just ignored my request why being polite? It does not make sense. Most men i have known had cut it short with me and no turning back. They were quite rude and cruel but at least it was clear. Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted July 8 Share Posted July 8 I'm not sure what you want from this man and why you are trying to analyze every little thing he's doing? Who cares why he accepted your Instagram friend request.... it really doesn't matter. The bottom line is that he told you he isn't interested in dating you. So just leave this one alone and move on. Pestering him with all these questions isn't going to accomplish anything. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted July 8 Share Posted July 8 There's no psychology to understand. He said that he saw you as just a friend. What's so hard to understand about that? You may still harbor feelings but it's time to move on. He may have initially felt a mutual attraction, but after the tense and awkward date, his feelings changed. Sometimes, chemistry just doesn't click and that's okay. There's someone out there who will appreciate and reciprocate your feelings. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 8 Share Posted July 8 (edited) Oh dear, you're really over thinking this. I want to unpack it a bit to help you see what I'm seeing 4 hours ago, Lou_Ann said: We met and I have to say the date went badly, the atmosphere was a bit tense and cold which made me completely nervous. I still don't know what happened. We chatted but superficially without enthusiasm. As we leave, he simply tells me let's keep in touch and maybe see you next time. In the evening , I shared with him mythoughts on the awkwardness of our meeting. He told me: "there is a lotin common, but I want us to remain friends, I don't want to commit, I'm disturbed however , I will always be there for you." He ended what was clearly a bad date with polite words and clearly no intent to keep dating. And his comment about friendship means "I don't dislike you, but there's nothing here to work with". There was really no need for you to say anything other than "OK, thanks". But, you did share a lot more feelings so he reiterated that he wasn't interested in dating further Quote I even asked if he has ever felt something between but keeps avoiding the answer saying something "well I don't know" I even encouraged himto tell me the truth even ifit's hurting and it is rather more simple to say " I've never beeninto you" rather than beating around the bush. His message was already clear - this was unnecessary and would only make things more awkward. It's really important to know when to stop talking Quote Also, as a test, I asked him yesterday to ad me as a friend on instagram which he acepted. I wonder what is the point of a man keeping a potential ex-lover as a friendinstead of just cutting ties and leaving without turning back. Is he keeping me on the hand just in case or did I misunderstand the situation from the start? Can anyone explain me men's psychology? There's nothing to explain. The two of you went on a bad date, found that you're looking for different things and quite understandably, he made it clear he had no interest in dating further. And why would you want to date him further after such a bad date anyway? He added you on IG because a) you requested it and it would have been rude to refuse and b) he doesn't hate you. And it's really important to recognise that IG contacts aren't friends. Unless they are people you see a lot of in real life, they are simply aquaintances. Edited July 8 by basil67 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lou_Ann Posted July 9 Author Share Posted July 9 I am quite shocked how the relation turned out. It started nicely with a kind of chemistry. I wonder if there is a way to get him back. In any case, I appreciate your comments. Thank you Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 9 Share Posted July 9 30 minutes ago, Lou_Ann said: I am quite shocked how the relation turned out. It started nicely with a kind of chemistry. I wonder if there is a way to get him back. In any case, I appreciate your comments. Thank you There's nothing to be shocked about. Having a bit of chemistry doesn't necessarily mean that someone wants a relationship. And even if they were open to relationships, a bad date is going to kill any spark. Why do you think he would come back after a bad date and finding out you want different things? Have you had much dating experience? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lou_Ann Posted July 9 Author Share Posted July 9 (edited) But generalky speaking, when a man is really into a woman he would give a second chance. Am I wrong? Which of course is not the case here. However, is it possible to reignite the spark? Edited July 9 by Lou_Ann Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 9 Share Posted July 9 (edited) 39 minutes ago, Lou_Ann said: But generalky speaking, when a man is really into a woman he would give a second chance. Am I wrong? Which of course is not the case here. However, is it possible to reignite the spark? They aren't going to give a second chance if the first date was so bad that they got turned off. I'm a woman and even if there were sparks initially, if a first date wasn't easy and pleasant, I wouldn't go back for a second time. Regarding when the spark has failed: I've never had one reignited. When it's gone it's gone. But even if it were possible to reignite it, what's the point when you both want different things? Unless you are now 100% OK with being a casual sex partner with him, I can't see the point. May I ask why the date was so bad? What happened? Edited July 9 by basil67 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lou_Ann Posted July 9 Author Share Posted July 9 (edited) Well, we chatted a bit but there was no emotional connection. I was a bit tired and not quite confident. While He was tensed and harbouring a negative energy. What ever we discussed, he was negative about it. The only moments he relaxed are when was telling him childhood stories. He did not make any effort toward me although he was somehow interested in the begining Did I turn him off and made him become tense? Edited July 9 by Lou_Ann Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 9 Share Posted July 9 16 minutes ago, Lou_Ann said: Well, we chatted a bit but there was no emotional connection. I was a bit tired and not quite confident. While He was tensed and harbouring a negative energy. What ever we discussed, he was negative about it. The only moments he relaxed are when was telling him childhood stories. He did not make any effort toward me although he was somehow interested in the begining Did I turn him off and made him become tense? Did you turn him off and make him tense? I guess if you were so tired and nervous that you couldn't hold up your end of a conversation, it could happen. But do you really think that you were a terrible date? And besides, a good date would go out of his way to engage with you, ask you questions and be a generally pleasant person to be with. Isn't this what you'd do if you were with a guy who was a nervous date? As for him, he sounds horrible and I have no idea why you'd ever want to go on another date with him. Why do this to yourself? Is he really so hot that you'd over look his horrible personality and that he only wants a few f***s? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lou_Ann Posted July 9 Author Share Posted July 9 Thinking back about it, he does not seem to have much confidence. Anyway thank you very much for your comforting words Basil67😉 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 9 Share Posted July 9 8 minutes ago, Lou_Ann said: Thinking back about it, he does not seem to have much confidence. Anyway thank you very much for your comforting words Basil67😉 You're welcome. Remind yourself it's lucky you didn't waste a lot of time on him....and that you can do better than this! Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted July 9 Share Posted July 9 (edited) So - "men's psychology" is NOT the same thing as a bad date where there was no connection. Like women, men vary widely - there are certainly tendencies, including some strong ones. But consider - "players" vs. incels vs. "one-woman-guys", foot-fetish furries vs. missionary style only types vs. BDSMers, Elon Musk vs. Warren Buffet vs. Bernie Sanders. An individual man is going to be "his own deal" whatever that may be, and for a specific individual the concept of "male psychology" can be next to useless. If a (specific) guy doesn't want to be in relationships, don't try to be in a relationship with him. If he has (in your view) a crap personality, move on. Edited July 9 by mark clemson 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted July 9 Share Posted July 9 10 hours ago, Lou_Ann said: I am quite shocked how the relation turned out. It started nicely with a kind of chemistry. I wonder if there is a way to get him back. In any case, I appreciate your comments. Thank you No, there was obviously no chemistry, otherwise he would have continued to date and display more and more romantic interest. I think you just wanted it to be chemistry. He isn’t romantically interested, just move on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted July 9 Share Posted July 9 8 hours ago, Lou_Ann said: Well, we chatted a bit but there was no emotional connection. I was a bit tired and not quite confident. While He was tensed and harbouring a negative energy. What ever we discussed, he was negative about it. Why are you still interested in him, then? He sounds dull and unattractive. Who cares what he felt? Move on, find a cooler guy that will be really into you, will make you smile and laugh and feel a deep emotional and spiritual connection. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted July 14 Share Posted July 14 When the atmosphere goes from friendly chat to the actual date....feelings/vibe/perspective can totally change. Sounded like he had higher expectations, and with his lack of confidence, he turned himself off. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 14 Share Posted July 14 On 7/8/2024 at 2:24 PM, Lou_Ann said: Is it still possible for a man to be interested in the begining then change his mind in the blink of an eye. ? Of course. When a man tells you that he doesn’t want to date you/have a relationship, you would be wise to keep on walking… don’t try to convince him otherwise. Just thank him for his honesty and let it go. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lou_Ann Posted July 14 Author Share Posted July 14 Don't worry I have no intention of chasing I am too proud for that. Good for me if he left me . Link to post Share on other sites
FredEire Posted July 15 Share Posted July 15 On 7/8/2024 at 7:57 PM, Lou_Ann said: Hi everyone, I recently met a man at dance classes during which we had a lot of fun chatting while dancing. I seemed to sense a mutual attraction between the two of us. At the end of the sessions I asked him if we could keep in touch, which he readily accepted and even suggested that we meet again. A few days later he contacted me for the first time and ended having conversations by telephone for few days. During our discussions he seemed to be interested and willing to chat every evening. A date was then set. We met and I have to say the date went badly, the atmosphere was a bit tense and cold which made me completely nervous. I still don't know what happened. We chatted but superficially without enthusiasm. As we leave, he simply tells me let's keep in touch and maybe see you next time. In the evening , I shared with him mythoughts on the awkwardness of our meeting. He told me: "there is a lotin common, but I want us to remain friends, I don't want to commit, I'm disturbed however , I will always be there for you." I even asked if he has ever felt something between but keeps avoiding the answer saying something "well I don't know" I even encouraged himto tell me the truth even ifit's hurting and it is rather more simple to say " I've never beeninto you" rather than beating around the bush. Also, as a test, I asked him yesterday to ad me as a friend on instagram which he acepted. I wonder what is the point of a man keeping a potential ex-lover as a friendinstead of just cutting ties and leaving without turning back. Is he keeping me on the hand just in case or did I misunderstand the situation from the start? Just some information about him: he is 33 and 5 years younger than me, divorced and father of a 4 years old daughter. He is currently a business manager. Can anyone explain me men's psychology? Thanks Sometimes you go on a date and the energy is just bad, for whatever reason. To be honest you may not like this answer but one reason a date can be tense is one or both people go into it with a bit of underlying anger or bad feelings, about the other person or something else entirely. Your post comes across a little bitter and fed up in general. Why did he ask to be friends? Maybe he liked your personality but didn't feel a romantic connection, maybe he wants to keep you around as an option. It may be nefarious or it may not be, but it really depends on the man. The only thing you can really figure out is why this annoys you so much rather than just chalking it down as a date that didn't work and moving on with a more open mind. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 15 Share Posted July 15 Like the others have already said, he’s not interested. Don’t waste time arbitrarily “testing” a man. When you reach that point, you know you’re already chasing an uninterested person. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 16 Share Posted July 16 On 7/15/2024 at 1:25 AM, Lou_Ann said: Don't worry I have no intention of chasing I am too proud for that. Good for me if he left me . Hon, he didn't leave you. Rather, it never got started in the first place 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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