From perfect dates to uncertainty. How do I proceed?

[GreenSaRed]

I am 24 and I met a girl who is 22. We talked for a month and a half online because she had been working on her bachelor's degree at that time. She clearly stated that she wants to meet and even tried making plans with me. So after she got all her stuff done I came to the city where she lives and we hung out. We instantly clicked, I don't think I ever had as smooth of a first date as this one. We were very open about how we feel and that we both really liked each other after the first date. During the next week she invited me to hangout with her and her friends for 3 days on a fishing trip. Same as before, it was unbelievable how good it was going. We both were telling each other that we don't sleep around and that we only do stuff like that when it is really serious. It happened so that we even did some sexual stuff the night before leaving which I have never done when meeting a person the 2nd time. At this point after the trip ended she dropped me off at the station and me realising we did stuff that's more than kissing already I decided to kiss her. She wanted it too, clearly, because she was blushing like I've never seen a person blush.

The following weeks is where it all starts going downhill. We clearly stated that this is long term, we both told each other that multiple times and were both clear that this is serious. She told her family, I told mine. She suggested that she wants to meet my parents I was very excited at the idea. We setup the plans. Everything was fine we talked like usual until 2 days before she had to come to my town. She started acting a bit distant and the replies were a lot slower. She even acknowledged that without me brining it up. She said right now is rough on her because of personal issues and that I should trust her that it will all be ok. Since she was very honest and stayed true to her word up until then I believed her. A day before she had to come she barely interacted with me. I sent her a heartfelt voice message saying that I just want to know if she's coming and its ok if something happened. She told me she will tell me everything later that day. She didn't. I was very torn at this point. She texted me the next day explaining that her financial situation is terrible and that her dog is pretty sick (which i knew about). She said she was torn about it but decided not to come. It was very unsual for her to not reply in a timely manner.

At this point I explained to her how I feel and that I don't like that she just did not tell me upfront. I was understanding maybe even too understanding now having to think about it. I told her "ok if you have no money I am just coming over to come see you". She barely replied for the coming days, just saying stuff that's not very important. I asked her if she wants to meet, she did not make herself clear. I just decided to tell her "I am coming at 1AM if you still want this you will be there". She did come. I sat down in her car and she hugged me and kissed me. Everything was very nice like both of the previous times. It was exactly the same, we talked about all the things that were unusual for her. She said she was having a kind of a depressive episode where she barely left the house and just stayed in her bed. Which happens to her sometimes according to her. Me being a depressive person myself I understood it perfectly. We ironed out some other topics that were up in the air as well. Then we talked about if this is a relationship. She stated very honestly and clearly that she really likes me and was missing me and likes being with me and I am the only guy that has the potential to be something with her. She said multiple times there are no other people. But she also said that she wants to get to know me more at this point and that it's all had gotten a bit too fast. I told her that I am ready to commit now. She said some things that do make sense on why she wants to wait. But I tried to explain why it doesn't apply here. Then I realised while we were talking that I am not gonna logic my way into being with her. So I just stopped. We hung out the rest of the time very nicely spending quality time and later we kissed after she dropped me off.

We met on saturday and on friday I moved to a city closeby for a job. She told me that this is great since she can come the next day since I live closer now. It's gonna be very easy to hang out she said. And that we will talk tomorow about everything as well.

Now we come to this point that I am at now. After we split our ways the texting seemed similar to what it was at the start. I wanted to clarify is she's gonna come she said she thinks she will. Altough the hours when it came closer to day she promised to come AGAIN she pretty much dissapeared. Up until now she has not responded it's been 2 days

I know that there is a rule that people say "if it's not a hell yes, then its a no" maybe thats the case here. I am very confused and stressed

[Gaeta]

This was just too much too fast. 

It's ok for 2 people to decide they will date exclusively but establishing a long term relationship on a first meeting and then jumping right into weekends together and meeting families, that is the perfect recipe for a crash & burn scenario. 

How long had she been single? See, a lot of people think they're ready to be in a relationship. They go out there and experience excitements for a moment then it hits them pretty hard that they're not ready. The initial rush is over the top and then it crashes as fast as it went up. 

There is nothing you can do. From now on:  more you insist more you'll push her away. 

As the saying says: If someone wants to walk out of your life - let them.

There is a huge life/dating lesson to learn here. 

* Chatting is not getting to know someone, no matter how long.

* Even if the first meeting feels amazing it's good to take things one step at a time.

* Too much time together at the very beginning is like eating chocolate. We all love chocolate but eat a full jar of it and you'll get nausea.

I am sorry you had to experience this. It socks. It happened at least once to all of us. It's a bit shocking but the only thing to do is to move on. 

[ShyViolet]

7 hours ago, GreenSaRed said:

The following weeks is where it all starts going downhill. We clearly stated that this is long term, we both told each other that multiple times and were both clear that this is serious. 

Oh my goodness.  You're young and clearly inexperienced.  This is not how relationships work, I'm sorry to have to tell you.  You don't hang out with someone two times and then make a declaration that "this is long term and serious."  That is absolutely ridiculous.  When you've hung out with someone twice, you barely know them.  Your focus should be on getting to know them and finding out whether this is someone who you would be compatible with for a relationship.  You cannot slap a "long term" label on it when you've gone on two dates.  That is incredibly naive.  And now you are seeing why it doesn't work that way.  She got scared off by how fast you were trying to move this.  And then when she told you that she felt it was moving too fast, you didn't respect that and you were pushy.  No no no.  

You need to learn to let a relationship unfold at an appropriate pace.  All this trying to declare that the relationship is "serious" when you barely know the girl, after just two or three dates, is not how relationships work.  You'll learn the hard way that it will be over just as fast as it began, if you don't calm down and stop trying to rush it.

[GreenSaRed]

Sorry i posted a new more detailed post. Please feel free to chime in... I think I really messed it up

[ZA Dater]

On 7/9/2024 at 8:31 PM, Gaeta said:

This was just too much too fast. 

It's ok for 2 people to decide they will date exclusively but establishing a long term relationship on a first meeting and then jumping right into weekends together and meeting families, that is the perfect recipe for a crash & burn scenario. 

How long had she been single? See, a lot of people think they're ready to be in a relationship. They go out there and experience excitements for a moment then it hits them pretty hard that they're not ready. The initial rush is over the top and then it crashes as fast as it went up. 

There is nothing you can do. From now on:  more you insist more you'll push her away. 

As the saying says: If someone wants to walk out of your life - let them.

There is a huge life/dating lesson to learn here. 

* Chatting is not getting to know someone, no matter how long.

* Even if the first meeting feels amazing it's good to take things one step at a time.

* Too much time together at the very beginning is like eating chocolate. We all love chocolate but eat a full jar of it and you'll get nausea.

I am sorry you had to experience this. It socks. It happened at least once to all of us. It's a bit shocking but the only thing to do is to move on. 

Agree with this and in my limited experience its actually better to meet someone sooner than spending a significant amount of time texting because you actually learn very little from texting barring very base information. You cannot read body language and the level of interaction is a lot lower than it is face to face.

OP you could step back a bit and see how she reacts?

[GreenSaRed]

8 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

Agree with this and in my limited experience its actually better to meet someone sooner than spending a significant amount of time texting because you actually learn very little from texting barring very base information. You cannot read body language and the level of interaction is a lot lower than it is face to face.

OP you could step back a bit and see how she reacts?

You could read my new post about this if you want to. A bit more happened and I think I explain it better there. I forgot I posted about this earlier… sorry

[BaileyB]

40 minutes ago, GreenSaRed said:

I think I really messed it up

You didn’t mess it up. You got a little too far ahead of yourself…

You started dreaming about a future with a woman that you didn’t really take the time to know. As it turns out, she has a lot going on, she is not very reliable - she is not a good relationship partner for you. This is why we date - to learn these things BEFORE  we get too involved in a relationship. 

[GreenSaRed]

1 minute ago, BaileyB said:

You didn’t mess it up. You got a little too far ahead of yourself…

You started dreaming about a future with a woman that you didn’t really take the time to know. As it turns out, she has a lot going on, she is not very reliable - she is not a good relationship partner for you. This is why we date - to learn these things BEFORE  we get too involved in a relationship. 

Ok thanks for the insight…

[ZA Dater]

On 7/9/2024 at 2:29 PM, GreenSaRed said:

Now we come to this point that I am at now. After we split our ways the texting seemed similar to what it was at the start. I wanted to clarify is she's gonna come she said she thinks she will. Altough the hours when it came closer to day she promised to come AGAIN she pretty much dissapeared. Up until now she has not responded it's been 2 days

In light of this you are given no other option but to try move forward, yes you have invested a lot but look at her actions? Are they of someone who appreciates your interest, based on the above it would seem not. You can of course wait but my suggestion is start working on your internal strength because I suspect the outcome here might not be positive.

Perhaps it sounds odd but when someone cannot respond its actually a very clear msg but we tend to ignore it, I am the worst culprit of this by the way, I ignore and and rather try and frame the non response as something else.

I'd look around for anyone else you might find attractive.

[GreenSaRed]

15 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

In light of this you are given no other option but to try move forward, yes you have invested a lot but look at her actions? Are they of someone who appreciates your interest, based on the above it would seem not. You can of course wait but my suggestion is start working on your internal strength because I suspect the outcome here might not be positive.

Perhaps it sounds odd but when someone cannot respond its actually a very clear msg but we tend to ignore it, I am the worst culprit of this by the way, I ignore and and rather try and frame the non response as something else.

I'd look around for anyone else you might find attractive.

It would definitely seem so…

Yeah I guess I want to make excuses for her because I still like her. Doesnt seem like she does

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, GreenSaRed said:

Sorry i posted a new more detailed post. Please feel free to chime in... I think I really messed it up

You didn’t mess anything up. You just experienced a fantasy and now reality has set in. It’s pure insanity to talk about big feelings and plans for the future after mere two dates. Sometimes it takes years to really get to know another person, grow deep feelings, and build a stable, solid relationship. In your case, everything was way too much, way too fast. 

 

[GreenSaRed]

27 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

You didn’t mess anything up. You just experienced a fantasy and now reality has set in. It’s pure insanity to talk about big feelings and plans for the future after mere two dates. Sometimes it takes years to really get to know another person, grow deep feelings, and build a stable, solid relationship. In your case, everything was way too much, way too fast. 

 

But how come I did not mess anything up if it went so bad?

[ZA Dater]

1 hour ago, GreenSaRed said:

But how come I did not mess anything up if it went so bad?

You can only react and be you, you have no control over the feelings and actions of others. You should not be so hard on yourself here, be thankful you had two great dates, for many people that is something quite difficult to accomplish.

 

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, GreenSaRed said:

But how come I did not mess anything up if it went so bad?

Because it takes 2 people to succeed at relationships. Her feelings changed, it happens a lot when people rush into a relationship because the feelings are superficial this early. You don't know maybe in 2-3 weeks you would have been the one feeling under pressure and breaking it off.

[Sony12]

She very clearly began getting cold feet when the realization started coming around that this is going to become more serious. You two moved way too fast. That would be fast for any age but especially so for a 22 and a 24 year old. You two should have just continued to have fun for probably several more months and then at that point you could have started discussing if you wanted it to become more serious.

[GreenSaRed]

5 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Because it takes 2 people to succeed at relationships. Her feelings changed, it happens a lot when people rush into a relationship because the feelings are superficial this early. You don't know maybe in 2-3 weeks you would have been the one feeling under pressure and breaking it off.

Thanks guys… I guess I am blaming myself because I still liked her. And I was trying to covince myself I should still try to do something. But I guess I was just asking for the bare minimum and she couldnt give that. I just dont understand why her mind changed so suddenly. I guess it is as you say…

[Sony12]

1 minute ago, GreenSaRed said:

Thanks guys… I guess I am blaming myself because I still liked her. And I was trying to covince myself I should still try to do something. But I guess I was just asking for the bare minimum and she couldnt give that. I just dont understand why her mind changed so suddenly. I guess it is as you say…

You two making plans to meet each other's families that quickly would have been pushing it even if you both were twenty years older. But it was way too fast given how young you two are.

Just have fun with someone in the beginning. Don't think you have to get serious just because you undressed one another.

[GreenSaRed]

8 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

You two making plans to meet each other's families that quickly would have been pushing it even if you both were twenty years older. But it was way too fast given how young you two are.

Just have fun with someone in the beginning. Don't think you have to get serious just because you undressed one another.

That is a very rude thing to say. That was not the reason why it was like that. We were just very open about how we feel about each other it wasnt about the sexual part at all. At least for me. She was the one that told about me to her parents first honestly. So that’s not a thing you should just assume. I know I am a guy but I never sleep around. I only do it when it means something. 

Edited July 14 by GreenSaRed

[Gaeta]

10 minutes ago, GreenSaRed said:

But I guess I was just asking for the bare minimum

I dated this guy a few years ago, he could not get enough of me! He wanted to see me each day and wanted to talk to me all the time. It lasted 2 weeks. One Sunday he came by and told me he could not explain it but all his feelings for me were gone all of a sudden. He did not understand because he had never experienced infatuation before.  Infatuation is something that can die instantly one day, just like that. Love is something that grows over time. Infatuation feels like you've been hit by lightning. 

There is nothing to talk about with her. No bare minimum she owes you. You move on and learn something from it. Nobody will ever give you closure in life. It's something you optain by yourself by understanding what happenned and *accepting it*. 

[Sony12]

6 minutes ago, GreenSaRed said:

That is a very rude thing to say. That was not the reason why it was like that. We were just very open about how we feel about each other it wasnt about the sexual part at all. At least for me. She was the one that told about me to her parents first honestly. So that’s not a thing you should just assume. I know I am a guy but I never sleep around. I only do it when it means something. 

Well regardless even if you two weren't doing that stuff it still doesn't mean you were ready to meet each other's families that quickly. It's not entirely on you either as she was rushing things as well. Both of you just should have been satisfied going on dates regardless if you want to have lots of sex on those dates or not.

[GreenSaRed]

2 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I dated this guy a few years ago, he could not get enough of me! He wanted to see me each day and wanted to talk to me all the time. It lasted 2 weeks. One Sunday he came by and told me he could not explain it but all his feelings for me were gone all of a sudden. He did not understand because he had never experienced infatuation before.  Infatuation is something that can die instantly one day, just like that. Love is something that grows over time. Infatuation feels like you've been hit by lightning. 

There is nothing to talk about with her. No bare minimum she owes you. You move on and learn something from it. Nobody will ever give you closure in life. It's something you optain by yourself by understanding what happenned and *accepting it*. 

I understand I guess I never had it happen. As in that I stop feeling something for someone suddenly or someone stops feeling for me suddenly. Thanks

[ZA Dater]

47 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I dated this guy a few years ago, he could not get enough of me! He wanted to see me each day and wanted to talk to me all the time. It lasted 2 weeks. One Sunday he came by and told me he could not explain it but all his feelings for me were gone all of a sudden. He did not understand because he had never experienced infatuation before.  Infatuation is something that can die instantly one day, just like that. Love is something that grows over time. Infatuation feels like you've been hit by lightning. 

There is nothing to talk about with her. No bare minimum she owes you. You move on and learn something from it. Nobody will ever give you closure in life. It's something you optain by yourself by understanding what happenned and *accepting it*. 

This is true but something I learnt is sometimes its impossible to gain any understanding at all as to why people do what they do and say what they say.

Acceptance can be difficult,  it's probably why for some break ups lead to irrational behaviour and poor choices.

[Gebidozo]

5 hours ago, GreenSaRed said:

But how come I did not mess anything up if it went so bad?

It went so bad because, apparently, both of you had absolutely disproportionate, unrealistically high expectations from a relationship that had just started. These put an enormous pressure on the relationship, and it quickly collapsed when reality couldn’t keep up with your fantasies and idealization.

So it wasn’t you messing up, it was both of you being young, way too enthusiastic, and probably very inexperienced. 

In the future, please don’t repeat the same mistake. Get to know and love the real person, not your idea of her. That takes a lot of time and will definitely not happen with everyone you fancy and date.

[Gebidozo]

3 hours ago, GreenSaRed said:

She was the one that told about me to her parents first honestly.

Telling parents is one thing, but introducing you to parents as a serious relationship partner and making plans about the future after two dates is just pure craziness. 

Believing that having sex is only acceptable within the context of a committed long term relationship is fine, but if that’s your belief, you should’ve waited much, much longer to become sexual with that girl.

People put enormous pressure on themselves and on others when they believe that after they have had sex they must be together forever. 

Edited July 15 by Gebidozo

[FredEire]

You went too fast, it's ok everyone does it at some point.

And it wasn't just you, it was her as well. That's why you didn't "mess up". Once the initial high wore off, she had that "oh s***" moment of realising she wasn't really ready to dive into a serious relationship.

If you'd been taking it slow she may have still being going 100mph, and then at the end of the day you just have another mismatch. So all you can do in future is try to do your part and take it slow even if there's fireworks going off in your heart.

Meeting parents etc imo is for at least six months in where you know when you stand, before that point a lot of things can tend to fizzle out for various reasons no matter how many feelings you've caught.