I think I've fallen into platonic love. Am I alone?

[HP2005]

Hi there - I'm really confused and kind of just looking for other's people's thoughts. Alright, here is the story. My boyfriend and I have have been in a long distance relationship for about three years. The past eight months have been really tough but we've managed to stick it out and with any luck we'll be moving in with one another in only a week. I love him but sometimes it's really hard to maintain that "connection" and feel the same intimacy (not sexual) I used to feel with him. Cut to...

 

For six of the past eight months I've been living with a female friend of mine. She is a fairly reserved (and so am I) person but over time we became very close. As we're both kind of scaredy cats and enjoy the slumber party type company we ended up sleeping in the same bedroom (seperate beds). It was nice being able to talk to someone as I fell asleep in addition to just feeling safer because someone else was in the room. All in all it was a good bonding experience and it made me feel more content in an interpersonal relationship than I have in a long time. It also made me realize how much I missed the intimate little things that go along with being close to someone. As a result of being starved for this intimacy because of my extreme long distance relationship, I grew to really depend on the comfort I gained though my roommate/friend. I know she felt the same way because she's also in a long distance marriage.

 

We recently took a trip and ended up sleeping in the same bed because of a lack of space. We were both a little tipsy and ended up falling asleep all cuddled together. It was so nice and so comfortable I can hardly stop thinking about it. I didn't want anything except to fall asleep in someone I cared about's arms.

 

Anyway, the past few weeks have been really hard because both of our significant others are coming back and we know that it is going to change our friendship. This is one of the best (if not the best) friend I've ever had so I'm taking it pretty hard. I think I've fallen in love (emotionally) with her. I'm not physically attracted to her but I do just want to spend all my time hanging out or talking with her. I realize that this is kind of unfair to my boyfriend and I know he's already starting to feel a little jealous as we anticipate trying to re-build our lives after his long absences.

 

My concern is: Is this normal? Is it normal to fall in love with a friendship-type intimacy? It's starting to affect the relationship I have with my boyfriend but I don't know what to do. I love him and since he's been home the sex has been great, but I really miss spending time with my friend. My strong emotional base has been with her the past six months and it was so nice I don't want to give it up. Any thoughts?

[loony]

I think this happens a lot when girls are young. Some seem to be able to form very strong friendships where they share everything (like in this movie "Heavenly creatures"). But later on I think women replace their quite personal and intimate female friendships with the relationships they have with men. Adults probably have developed too many mental and emotional barriers that prevent them from having to forming similar strong bonds with other females as they used in their childhood. The same things you would do as a kid don't seem as innocent anymore when you do them with an adult (things you did as a child may have had sexual undertones, but you were not as strongly aware of them as later on as a grown-up), but it doesn't mean that they are not innocent, they may just reflect a need for emotional closeness without having any sexual innuendo. I guess, you never had such a close friend when you were young, therefore you're little bit confused now.

 

As you are trying to build a life together with your lifepartner, your boyfriend, it would be important to strengthen your relationship with him and revive the emotional bonds you two have. At the same times it doesn't mean you have to give up your friend, but I would focus first on the person I want to share my life with, which is your boyfriend.