FWB female started sex with another guy

[jerjer]

Hello,

so I am a 31M, that met with 39F in a pub last year, there was an immediate strong attraction between us. Had an awesome night, spent all the time dancing, kissing. She told me her relationship went to s***.

After she divorced with her ex-husband, we started seeing eachother, casually, like every 3-4 weeks (4 months). She came to my place, we talked a lot and then had sex. It was always like that, first a lot of talking and then sex. During discussions, she told me also a lot of her personal stuff, even about her kids, even told some of her kids about me etc.

I also met some of her friends (first time we met), and later in the beginning of May she introduced me to one of her friends as well. Our attraction is still very, very strong. She was touching me by the leg in public, she looked me in the eyes and deeply, emphisised to me: how sexy you are and stuff like that. We were also holding eachother in the public together. Then we came to my place and had sex. Next day she wrote to me, describing the evening how she liked it and so on. And how she liked how I was dressed. Then our conversation dropped a bit during May.

Then one month later, in June, she came to my place, normally like always.. And I found out she was meeting another guy for sex that she met on Tinder, she admitted. I asked a lot of questions, she answered. To her it's not a big deal and so on. And that she still likes me, otherwise she wouldn't show up to my place. All the time as we are discussing this, she is having an open/positive body language towards me, touching me, leaning towards me, fully body open towards me. She was like "have you also did with other women?" And yeah I did - I was in the same time with multiple women... So it would be unfair of me to be hurt if she would do the same. And then she said that with the other guy they are just "benefits", meanwhile we are "friends with benefits".

But I am overthinking this stuff soo much.. My male ego was hurt, because I am thinking like, if she likes sex with me, why would she want to have sex with some other guy?

So that night we still have sex after this big discussion. We had sex and she came 2 times. And never before when we had sex she had orgasm, but she said that it's not really a problem because it's hard for her to come to orgasm.

And then I asked her if she came with the other guy? And she said yes. So which means, to my male ego, that guy made her orgasm before I did, perhaps they had better sex?

I asked her later, about this... Why she never came with me, but she did with the other guy? And she told me, it's not so much about with whom I had sex, but how I am in my head.
---

And now she's telling me, that with me, it's a problem that we got too close.. That with us almost looks like we are a couple etc etc. And that we are/were talking too much, and that we grew too friendly.

And with that other guy, it's just purely sex and nothing else, no talking, no discussions and so on. Is it possible she felt more comfortable for some Tinder guy she met when drunk, because she doesn't know anything about him and he doesn't know anything about her?


I know our attraction is super strong, when we meet eachother in person - and I kinda sensed it, that when she came to my place, she just wanted to have sex immediatelly. But I thought having some conversation about eachother would make things more comfortable.

So this "just us" lasted for around 4 months, in this tieme I didn't pursue her whatsoever, it was totally causal, every once a while, every 3-4 weeks that we met. Easy stuff. We never defined this, although in the beginning, when she was still with her husband, she told me I should be meeting with other women.

Now I am very into her, pursuing her to meet more often... Really wanting to meet her, to show her we can have just sex (without a lot of talking, discussions), and even better sex than before. At one point when we were talking about this, she asked me "but what would you even improve in our sex? Our sex was totally fine." I think she said this with complete honesty, as she was always honest with me.

But of course this part why she didn't orgasmed before with me is making me wonder...
And certainly we can have even better sex, from my side - as I can give more attention and more dynamic and all sorts of stuff.

Edited July 11 by jerjer

[MsJayne]

Maybe you're investing too much worrying about a casual connection with this woman. She sounds kinda superficial and like she's only in it for the sex, so in your shoes I'd stop worrying and just assume she enjoys it or she wouldn't keep coming back. If she doesn't like chit-chat or building a connection with her sex partners I'd take that as a warning that she's very casual about having many partners without any strings, and so maybe consider regular sexual health checks while you're involved with her. 

[basil67]

@MsJayne has a good point about her only being in it for the sex - after all it is just a casual thing. 

Unless you want it to be more?  I'm having trouble figuring out why you're over thinking all of this, but wanting more would be a good reason. 

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, jerjer said:

Now I am very into her, pursuing her to meet more often... Really wanting to meet her, to show her we can have just sex (without a lot of talking, discussions), and even better sex than before

You realize this is your ego talking, right? 

Honestly, it's probably better if you end this arrangement with her. Now that she's overshared about sex with this other guy (and why on earth were you asking such questions about the quality of that sex?), it's unlikely to ever feel as good as it did before. The toothpaste is out of the tube, in other words. 

It was fun while it lasted, but your feelings are getting hurt and she's keeping her options open. Think carefully about whether this is really worth it anymore. 

Edited July 11 by ExpatInItaly

[mark clemson]

So, romantic jealousy is perfectly normal and there are doubtless strong biological underpinnings for it.

It's one thing to multi-date early on in a relationship. However, here you seemingly have something established with her and yet she is is out looking for more/other guys. That strongly suggests that maybe you were the rebound/FWB-only thing and now she is looking for something more permanent. If not, she's at least playing the field and seeing what else may be out there. I think the underlying message/situation is that, despite what might be a very good connection, you're not "the one" for the long term.

If it was me in your situation I believe I'd be very strongly considering breaking things off and looking for someone more likely to stick around. Unless she can commit to you.

The flip side of course is that if FWB is all you actually want from this - well, in that sort of situation you really have no say in who else she might be doing stuff with. Not everyone is right for FWB situations. One has to pick one's poison in life/take the rough with the smooth...

13 hours ago, jerjer said:

It was always like that, first a lot of talking and then sex. During discussions, she told me also a lot of her personal stuff,

I mean - this is a woman we're talking about here, right. What else exactly would you expect. They like to build rapport before sex.

 

13 hours ago, jerjer said:

And certainly we can have even better sex, from my side - as I can give more attention and more dynamic and all sorts of stuff.

So - men and women are not the same. Every woman's a little bit different, but as a strong tendency the relationship is at least if not more important to them than sex, # of orgasms, etc. Your focus on the physical/seeing the relationship "through male eyes" might actually be one of the reasons why she's now looking elsewhere.

Of course that is just a theory. It's also true there are plenty of dysfunctional women out there (as well as men, obviously) who sabotage their relationships, etc. So something like that could be going on.  But in my view the bottom line is that she feels you're not right for each other. There can be a lot of reasons why that may be so.

13 hours ago, jerjer said:

even told some of her kids about me etc.

Some? How many kids does this woman have...?

Edited July 11 by mark clemson

[jerjer]

1 minute ago, mark clemson said:

I mean - this is a woman we're talking about here, right. What else exactly would you expect. They like to build rapport before sex.

 

Hey, so the thing is - she is not talking/discussing anything with the other guy, they purely just have sex. That's why she said to me that we grew too closer together, meanwhile with the other guy it's purely sexual.


Since she had a divorce 4 months ago I highly doubt she is looking for something serious. She just said she is putting her life back on the feet and doesn't want to f*** up something.


There is nothing wrong - nothing else that would pinpoint to me that would she have against me, rather that she felt that me and her are becoming a thing. And that's why she put the breaks on it.

Remember, she was telling about me to her kids. She was touching me in public. And stuff like that. FWB usually don't do such things.
 

[jerjer]

10 hours ago, MsJayne said:

Maybe you're investing too much worrying about a casual connection with this woman. She sounds kinda superficial and like she's only in it for the sex, so in your shoes I'd stop worrying and just assume she enjoys it or she wouldn't keep coming back. If she doesn't like chit-chat or building a connection with her sex partners I'd take that as a warning that she's very casual about having many partners without any strings, and so maybe consider regular sexual health checks while you're involved with her. 

Thank you for the answer,

So yeah I think after 15 years of marriage, she is now looking for some fun. Like purely just fun.

This is also what she said to me, but now that we were having so many discussions, talking and not just sex - it's not so much fun for her.

[mark clemson]

Understood. So if she's not ready for a "full" relationship, perhaps this thing has run it's course. And of course as a FWB "only" you have little say in who else she might date, etc.

Consider doing some reflecting on what you are looking for.

Edited July 11 by mark clemson

[jerjer]

6 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

you were the rebound/FWB-only thing and now she is looking for something more permanent.

I am certainly a rebound/fwb thing, although our discussions and the way that she told her kids about me, led me to believe something more may be happening.

We get along really fine, and our attraction is super strong.

I doubt she is already looking anything permanent, even she is saying to me she is totally not ready for something serious and just wants fun.

The other guy is a 32 year old guy who lives with his parents, and they have just sex. Nothing else.

[mark clemson]

So - you have told your story but didn't seem to really have a specific question for us. That suggests to me you are "processing" what's going on in this FWB-ship.

If she's not ready and bouncing from guy to guy "for fun" then you'll have to decide whether that's something you can/should accept as a FWB, since you can't really influence her choices.

IF you feel strong romantic jealousy then perhaps it's best you break it off, despite "how good" you might have been IF she were in a different situation in life (which she's not). IF you are ok hanging around and banging while she does the same with other guys (and plenty of men are ok with this) then I suppose you will do so until "feelings become too strong" for one or both of you and one of you decides to end it. (Or some other ending scenario occurs.)

Edited July 11 by mark clemson

[FredEire]

14 hours ago, jerjer said:

Hello,

so I am a 31M, that met with 39F in a pub last year, there was an immediate strong attraction between us. Had an awesome night, spent all the time dancing, kissing. She told me her relationship went to s***.

After she divorced with her ex-husband, we started seeing eachother, casually, like every 3-4 weeks (4 months). She came to my place, we talked a lot and then had sex. It was always like that, first a lot of talking and then sex. During discussions, she told me also a lot of her personal stuff, even about her kids, even told some of her kids about me etc.

I also met some of her friends (first time we met), and later in the beginning of May she introduced me to one of her friends as well. Our attraction is still very, very strong. She was touching me by the leg in public, she looked me in the eyes and deeply, emphisised to me: how sexy you are and stuff like that. We were also holding eachother in the public together. Then we came to my place and had sex. Next day she wrote to me, describing the evening how she liked it and so on. And how she liked how I was dressed. Then our conversation dropped a bit during May.

Then one month later, in June, she came to my place, normally like always.. And I found out she was meeting another guy for sex that she met on Tinder, she admitted. I asked a lot of questions, she answered. To her it's not a big deal and so on. And that she still likes me, otherwise she wouldn't show up to my place. All the time as we are discussing this, she is having an open/positive body language towards me, touching me, leaning towards me, fully body open towards me. She was like "have you also did with other women?" And yeah I did - I was in the same time with multiple women... So it would be unfair of me to be hurt if she would do the same. And then she said that with the other guy they are just "benefits", meanwhile we are "friends with benefits".

But I am overthinking this stuff soo much.. My male ego was hurt, because I am thinking like, if she likes sex with me, why would she want to have sex with some other guy?

So that night we still have sex after this big discussion. We had sex and she came 2 times. And never before when we had sex she had orgasm, but she said that it's not really a problem because it's hard for her to come to orgasm.

And then I asked her if she came with the other guy? And she said yes. So which means, to my male ego, that guy made her orgasm before I did, perhaps they had better sex?

I asked her later, about this... Why she never came with me, but she did with the other guy? And she told me, it's not so much about with whom I had sex, but how I am in my head.
---

And now she's telling me, that with me, it's a problem that we got too close.. That with us almost looks like we are a couple etc etc. And that we are/were talking too much, and that we grew too friendly.

And with that other guy, it's just purely sex and nothing else, no talking, no discussions and so on. Is it possible she felt more comfortable for some Tinder guy she met when drunk, because she doesn't know anything about him and he doesn't know anything about her?


I know our attraction is super strong, when we meet eachother in person - and I kinda sensed it, that when she came to my place, she just wanted to have sex immediatelly. But I thought having some conversation about eachother would make things more comfortable.

So this "just us" lasted for around 4 months, in this tieme I didn't pursue her whatsoever, it was totally causal, every once a while, every 3-4 weeks that we met. Easy stuff. We never defined this, although in the beginning, when she was still with her husband, she told me I should be meeting with other women.

Now I am very into her, pursuing her to meet more often... Really wanting to meet her, to show her we can have just sex (without a lot of talking, discussions), and even better sex than before. At one point when we were talking about this, she asked me "but what would you even improve in our sex? Our sex was totally fine." I think she said this with complete honesty, as she was always honest with me.

But of course this part why she didn't orgasmed before with me is making me wonder...
And certainly we can have even better sex, from my side - as I can give more attention and more dynamic and all sorts of stuff.

So you're friends with benefits, that's part of the deal I'm afraid, you can sleep with other people. And she was quite straightforward about this telling you you should go out and meet other people if you want to.

She doesn't want a relationship, she wants to date around, so I'm afraid improving your skills in bed isn't really going to change this.

So you need to assess if you want to be exclusive with her, and if so why? Do you really see a future with her or is it just an ego thing that some other guy she's with might be better?

It doesn't sound like she's into a relationship, so either you have to be ok with you both seeing other people, or break it off.

[SurfCity]

How many women have you had sex with since you've been seeing her? 

[ExpatInItaly]

14 hours ago, jerjer said:

she is not talking/discussing anything with the other guy, they purely just have sex.

You mean this is what she is telling you. 

That doesn't make it true. 

[ExpatInItaly]

15 hours ago, jerjer said:

Remember, she was telling about me to her kids

Again, you have no idea if that is actually true. And really, it woudln't be a good sign anyway. It signals poor judgment as a mom on her part, telling her children about a man she's having casual sex with. What the heck.

15 hours ago, jerjer said:

She was touching me in public. And stuff like that. FWB usually don't do such things.

You're wrong about this part. Speaking as a woman, I can tell you that I have been physcially affectionate with a former FWB in public. Why? Becuase it felt nice. It didn't mean more than that.