My GF keeps a pic of her and her ex dead BF at the top of her mantle

[Confused_in_02139]

I’m 49, and my GF is 41. We live together for about 11 months now. I’m divorced, and I don’t keep any pics of my ex-wife or have relics of my ex girlfriends anywhere. Out of respect to my current GF, I discarded a souvenir coffee mug that was bought with my ex-wife in her home country. 

In our 2BR apartment, I gave my GF an entire bedroom for her to do her work since we both WFH. I’ve made the big sacrifice of working from the entrance hall, which is quite small and not as well insulated. 

My GF lives with me and pays rent. She’s really sweet, smart, funny, and has a good job.  However, she may have a really low self-esteem. That’s a different story. 

Anyways, in her bedroom where she works from, since we both WFH, she has a mantle, and on that mantle, she has many framed pics of her and her family and friends. One picture at the top is of her and her ex-boyfriend, whom she dated around 2009-2013.  He died in 2022, and he was immensely influential on her life. This framed picture shows them as a couple. 

In our apartment, we only have one small photobooth pictures of us with her friend on our refrigerator. It’s much tinier and nowhere near as formal. It’s a photobooth pic of us wearing moustaches and hats, and the picture is is quite small. 

I shouldn’t have to tell her that keeping a framed picture of her and her exBF at the top of her mantle is weird for me. I know that he’s not a threat since he’s dead, and she’s probably commemorating their friendship, but their picture shows them as a couple. It’s not just a picture of her exBF by himself, and it occupies a prominent position on her mantle. 

What do you think about this?

[Gebidozo]

I think you should let it go. 

The less threatened you feel by that, the more magnanimous you are to her, the more your GF will respect and cherish you.

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, Confused_in_02139 said:

I don’t keep any pics of my ex-wife or have relics of my ex girlfriends anywhere.

 

3 hours ago, Confused_in_02139 said:

I shouldn’t have to tell her that keeping a framed picture of her and her exBF at the top of her mantle is weird for me.

For what it’s worth, I agree with you. 

But she is her own person, she doesn’t have to see things the way that you or I do.

I think you have two options, let it go or ask her to take it down. If it bothers you, I think you should tell her. Perhaps she will rethink the decision to display the photo.

You may also want to take some more photos together and display those photos in the home you share together. 

Edited July 12 by BaileyB

[flitzanu]

and would you feel the same way if she had this photo

1. hidden away in a box

2. less prominently displayed

3. in a photo album

what is your actual issue with this, the display of it, or her ex bf?

[Confused_in_02139]

3 hours ago, flitzanu said:

and would you feel the same way if she had this photo

1. hidden away in a box

2. less prominently displayed

3. in a photo album

what is your actual issue with this, the display of it, or her ex bf?

I have a big problem with him as a person. He was literally a much older man who worked in porn, and ultimately became homeless. He basically stoppped working after 9-11 as a cook, and from there he moved from Brooklyn to providence and did photo shoots and camera work for soft and hard porn. I can read his posts in one forum that he was on. 
 

she can keep it somewhere else, but the way I remember it, before we moved in together, I don’t think that she had this photo displayed in her previous apartment. I have pictures of my ex-wife and previous girlfriends on my computer and other places, BUT I WOULD NEVER FREAKING DISPLAY A PICTURE OF US AS A COUPLE OUT IN THE OPEN.  This seems like some unresolved issues. 
 

Even her divorced parents don’t have pictures of each other as a couple out in public.  Her father who has been in a 10+ year relationship with another woman - he doesn’t keep pics of his ex-wife (my GF’s mother) in his home, and his partner doesn’t keep pics of her ex-husband. That’s bad taste. 
 

She must be either have unresolved issues with him, or she’s trying to test me out. But f*ck yeah I’m jealous! I’ve told her that next to her father, he was her most beloved figure. 

[Gaeta]

42 minutes ago, Confused_in_02139 said:

 

She must be either have unresolved issues with him, or she’s trying to test me out. But f*ck yeah I’m jealous! I’ve told her that next to her father, he was her most beloved figure. 

Are you afraid to rock the boat?

That would not fly in my home and l would communicate clearly how that makes me feel.  I would not be afraid to rock the boat because l know my relationship is solid enough for us to express ourselves.

About you?

[basil67]

21 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Are you afraid to rock the boat?

That would not fly in my home and l would communicate clearly how that makes me feel.  I would not be afraid to rock the boat because l know my relationship is solid enough for us to express ourselves.

About you?

Indeed.  There's a whole lot of stuff here which wouldn't fly in my home!    @Confused_in_02139 what steps have you taken to try and address all these issues?

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, Confused_in_02139 said:

She must be either have unresolved issues with him, or she’s trying to test me out. But f*ck yeah I’m jealous!

Ok, if that photo makes you feel uncomfortable, just ask her to keep it somewhere out of sight.

Where exactly is the problem? Are you offended by the photo or by the mere fact that she wants to display it? Are you afraid you’ll lose her if you ask her to remove the photo?

Either you’re able to let it go, or you aren’t. If you aren’t, you have to tell her how you feel. Otherwise you’ll be harboring bad feelings, which will have a negative effect on your relationship.

[BaileyB]

4 hours ago, Confused_in_02139 said:

the way I remember it, before we moved in together, I don’t think that she had this photo displayed in her previous apartment.

What changed then? 
 

4 hours ago, Confused_in_02139 said:

I’ve told her that next to her father, he was her most beloved figure. 

Given what you have shared about the man, it really makes me question her judgment…

[ExpatInItaly]

I have an ex who suddenly passed away many years ago, while we were still together. It was the worst moment of my life, for obvious reasons, 

I still have some photos of us together, and a couple of his (small) random personal belongings that his mom gracefully let me keep after he died. I will never part with them. However, they are also carefully tucked away in a box for my private viewing when I feel like visiting the memories. I have been in other relationships since then and this never presented an issue with those men, as I was mindful that keeping these things in the open would naturally make most uncomfortable. I can't see how many would be okay with it. 

It seems your girlfriend might be lacking a sensitivity chip. It is obvious that most would not enjoy seeing a couple photo of their current partner with an ex dispalyed somehwere in thier own home. Others might be fine with it, but you are clearly not. Talk to her. Try to understand why this photo has appeared now, and why she has decided to put it on display. If it wasn't even up in her own house, it seems odd to me that she has now decided to put it up in yours.

[MsJayne]

Sounds to me like she might be using this old fart to needle you, not just the photo, but her adulation of him, and the romanticising of a past that might in truth be a source of great shame to her. I'd ignore the photo' and be alert for other goading or baiting behaviours that provoke jealousy or insecurity in a partner. 

18 hours ago, Confused_in_02139 said:

However, she may have a really low self-esteem. That’s a different story. 

I think it might be part of the same story. Low self-esteem often makes people insecure in relationships, and that insecurity is often projected on to their partner. They might engage in behaviours such as openly flirting with other people in front of you, or telling you how attractive someone else is, or painting an old relationship as some grand romance. When you show signs of jealousy or resentment it reassures them that all is well. It's childish and eventually destroys the relationship. 

Edited July 13 by MsJayne

[flitzanu]

On 7/12/2024 at 4:32 PM, Confused_in_02139 said:

I have a big problem with him as a person. He was literally a much older man who worked in porn, and ultimately became homeless. He basically stoppped working after 9-11 as a cook, and from there he moved from Brooklyn to providence and did photo shoots and camera work for soft and hard porn. I can read his posts in one forum that he was on. 
 

she can keep it somewhere else, but the way I remember it, before we moved in together, I don’t think that she had this photo displayed in her previous apartment. I have pictures of my ex-wife and previous girlfriends on my computer and other places, BUT I WOULD NEVER FREAKING DISPLAY A PICTURE OF US AS A COUPLE OUT IN THE OPEN.  This seems like some unresolved issues. 
 

Even her divorced parents don’t have pictures of each other as a couple out in public.  Her father who has been in a 10+ year relationship with another woman - he doesn’t keep pics of his ex-wife (my GF’s mother) in his home, and his partner doesn’t keep pics of her ex-husband. That’s bad taste. 
 

She must be either have unresolved issues with him, or she’s trying to test me out. But f*ck yeah I’m jealous! I’ve told her that next to her father, he was her most beloved figure. 

as others have said, having a convo with her is probably the way to approach this situation.

also wanted to commend you for being honest with your answer, and that you know what the issue is and you're not trying to hide it or mask it as being anything else.  and your feelings are valid, absolutely, i don't think you'd find many people that would be ok with such a display of an old pic like that.

[mark clemson]

He meant something to her. Agree with several above about having a reasonable and diplomatic conversation with her about it.

 

Quote

her ex dead BF

What's the big deal - are you worried she's screwing his ghost? Get real. She may have her issues and problems, but TBQH this "jealousy" you mention sounds like some weird insecurity on your part. She is not "with" a dead man.

The part I DO agree with you about is the prominence - this photo could be in a different spot.

 

On 7/12/2024 at 2:32 PM, Confused_in_02139 said:

BUT I WOULD NEVER FREAKING DISPLAY A PICTURE OF US AS A COUPLE OUT IN THE OPEN.

Which makes sense since they are still alive...

Edited July 15 by mark clemson

[Confused_in_02139]

5 hours ago, flitzanu said:

as others have said, having a convo with her is probably the way to approach this situation.

also wanted to commend you for being honest with your answer, and that you know what the issue is and you're not trying to hide it or mask it as being anything else.  and your feelings are valid, absolutely, i don't think you'd find many people that would be ok with such a display of an old pic like that.

Thank you for your kind words. 
 

This week, I plan on bringing up her ex’s ashes which are in our apartment. That exBF’s birthday is coming up on July 20th, and I may bring this up by Wednesday or during our road trip to NJ later this week. 
 

regarding her and her Ex’s photo of each other as a couple on her mantle: Her sister’s family will be here in late August for Labor Day weekend. Her sister is more level-headed and/or would probably see that photo if it’s not down by then. I’m counting on her to do something about it and intervene. Nobody can expect that photo to be normal. 
 

Also, I don’t feel like bringing that framed photo up in a conversation. Something that brazenly apparent should go without saying. 

[Gaeta]

12 minutes ago, Confused_in_02139 said:

Also, I don’t feel like bringing that framed photo up in a conversation. Something that brazenly apparent should go without saying. 

Relationship don't work that way.  It may appear obvious to you but it's not to her.  You need to *communicate*.

Her sister is gonna come over, she will mention the framed picture to her, your gf will reply you're ok with it because you've never brought it up.

[basil67]

@Confused_in_02139  I think you've done yourself a disservice by not adding the context of your other thread to this issue.   Having a photo of a dead ex on a mantle isn't a big deal in itself and many of the comments reflect this.   But when you combine this problem with her living in the past and reliving all they did, the type of guy he was, that she says she'll never have a better boyfriend, going to a sex club without you....then the picture becomes just another part of her ongoing sleaziness.

The fact that you refuse to speak up about the photo of her Prince of Sleaze based on some kind of personal principle also suggests that you're getting some kind of pleasure from this ongoing toxicity

I'm really stumped as to why you described her as a "sweet GF".

Edited July 16 by basil67

[Confused_in_02139]

5 hours ago, basil67 said:

@Confused_in_02139  I think you've done yourself a disservice by not adding the context of your other thread to this issue.   Having a photo of a dead ex on a mantle isn't a big deal in itself and many of the comments reflect this.   But when you combine this problem with her living in the past and reliving all they did, the type of guy he was, that she says she'll never have a better boyfriend, going to a sex club without you....then the picture becomes just another part of her ongoing sleaziness.

The fact that you refuse to speak up about the photo of her Prince of Sleaze based on some kind of personal principle also suggests that you're getting some kind of pleasure from this ongoing toxicity

I'm really stumped as to why you described her as a "sweet GF".

> The fact that you refuse to speak up about the photo of her Prince of Sleaze based on some kind of personal principle also suggests that you're getting some kind of pleasure from this ongoing toxicity.

 

Youve made a good point here. I have an anxiety-based and fear-based attachment style. This is my problem, and I need to deal with that. I think that I’ve already made the assumption that she’s going to do something very hurtful in the future, and I’m waiting for it. 
 

I was thinking about how she went to the sex club back in January 20, 2023, and to be fair, here is a point that I remember: before we were in a committed relationship, which technically didn’t happen until May 2023, she wanted to be in a committed relationship early on - maybe even in October 2021 when we first met. I told her that I wasn’t ready for that, and she asked “well how would you like it if I were to sleep with another guy,” and I replied “I won’t mind,” and this made her upset. Now to be fair to myself, I never slept with another woman in our entire relationship or kissed or flirted. 

But you’re right: Maybe I get some kind of pleasure being pained by her framed picture.