Advice After a Break Up, Where I was in the wrong

[SamGibson6]

Me and my ex girlfriend broke up around 4 weeks ago, she broke up with me for ongoing reasons for about 6 months-1 year. I have never felt like this about anyone and i am pretty sure she felt the same. i have been the most upset i have ever been, i feel guilty and hurt that i didn't change some of my actions. she was good to me and a good girlfriend. The relationship was filled with massive amounts of love for each other and in person we got on most of the time, we had such a good bond and we was so weird around each other, we was madly in love. But i started to become insecure about everything. i questioned her make up, plans and made her feel bad for things she wasn't doing nothing wrong. in the end it got worse and worse and she began to act slightly differently in terms of plans with her friends, she did see her friends and i did not say no you can't do this or that etc. but in the end it became really bad and i was mentally abusing her due to this, i did know i was doing it at times but other times i didn't, i admitted i had a problem to her ages ago and she did warn me several times. it was mental abuse at times as well as gas lighting and was happening on average once a week at least. i am not proud of it and seeking help, but ever since she left i have realized what i have lost and just feel so low that i have lost what we had and a good girl. i know this is still raw but i really want her back. 

 

i have said to her around 1-2 weeks ago that i have communicated with my friends and family on what was happening and seeking help and doing counselling. i have also communicated more than i ever have for the first time ever due to understanding what and who i have lost. she did reply and said she is glad that i am working on myself and the right path and wished me all the best. and did see she was finding it tough still. 

 

i then replied saying i understand the reasons for ending it, and said when i have found myself again and feel more secure with help, i will fight for what we had and her, where she did not reply, she is stubborn so i expected this. she seems pretty done after giving me time and chances, but is there any advice on what i can do and when, as i know how much she loves me and what we had, if the insecurity stopped our relationship was so so good. 

[basil67]

Do you realise you're actually still doing much the same as what you did before?   You're not listening to her - she said she wants out and your response is to ignore her decision and fight for her.   To make it worse, rather than respecting her decision (which is largely one of self protection) you call her "stubborn"....as if she's playing silly games with you.   She is not stubborn!  She's a woman who's had enough of your abusive behaviour and has chosen to walk away.  Lastly, you didn't make changes because she raised an issue and you listened to her....you made the changes because you finally got serious consequences...and by then, it was too late.  

You want to go back to "what you had".  But what you had was a situation of domestic abuse and she, quite rightly, does not want to return.  While you're figuring out all the things you did wrong, she's equally trying to figure out why the heck she stayed for so long and how to recover her self esteem. 

I'm really really glad that you're getting help - it will serve you well in future relationships and I hope you find a long and happy one.  But with your ex, please, please LISTEN to her and RESPECT her decision.  Don't make it all about you and what you want.

 

[SamGibson6]

17 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Do you realise you're actually still doing much the same as what you did before?   You're not listening to her - she said she wants out and your response is to ignore her decision and fight for her.   To make it worse, rather than respecting her decision (which is largely one of self protection) you call her "stubborn"....as if she's playing silly games with you.   She is not stubborn!  She's a woman who's had enough of your abusive behavior and has chosen to walk away.  Lastly, you didn't make changes because she raised an issue and you listened to her....you made the changes because you finally got serious consequences...and by then, it was too late.  

You want to go back to "what you had".  But what you had was a situation of domestic abuse and she, quite rightly, does not want to return.  While you're figuring out all the things you did wrong, she's equally trying to figure out why the heck she stayed for so long and how to recover her self esteem. 

I'm really really glad that you're getting help - it will serve you well in future relationships and I hope you find a long and happy one.  But with your ex, please, please LISTEN to her and RESPECT her decision.  Don't make it all about you and what you want.

Hi, thanks for the reply. 

 

i think i will listen to parts of the message as yes very true, respecting her decision is something i am doing, i have sent 2 messages in 4 weeks. which was an apology first of all. i cannot call that ignoring her decision, if i ignored her decision i would pretend we was still together and keep messaging daily, or even turning up to her house. 

 

i understand over text the insecurity was poor at times and should have listened to her. and yes now i realize what i have lost it is heartbreaking. so this is true. But we did have something special except from the insecurity, this wasn't a daily occurrence, still does not make it right. she has been messaging my family regarding a few birthdays recently so the respect is still there, she does not hate me and knows i am a good guy, but mentally at the end ruined it.  we had something special hence why the 'what we had' comment was mentioned, no going back to that insecure boyfriend i understand is not something she wants to do, but now i am getting help, why chuck away something so special... PS i am not violently chasing her, i meant in time i can test the waters. 

[basil67]

1 hour ago, SamGibson6 said:

it was mental abuse at times as well as gas lighting and was happening on average once a week at least.

Do not downplay this kind of behaviour by calling it "insecurity"    Your behaviour was abusive and there's no other word for it.     And by saying you'll "fight for her" and calling her "stubborn", you're disrespecting her decision.

Please listen to her and walk away.  Make yourself a better man and give yourself a fresh start. 

[ExpatInItaly]

This one is done, OP.

It’s good that you’re getting help now, but the damage is done. Her feelings aren’t the same anymore and she is turned off by you. She cares about you but doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you anymore. This is a case of too little, too late. 

You need to accept that it’s over, and work on healing. Apply the lessons learned here in your next relationship. 

[Gebidozo]

You were mentally abusing her, she lost her feelings, and wants out. If you truly want to change, leave her alone. Stop contacting her. Doing that is just perpetuating your abusive behavior. Respect her wishes, leave her alone, and get help.

[Tm2024]

On 7/15/2024 at 3:58 AM, SamGibson6 said:

Me and my ex girlfriend broke up around 4 weeks ago, she broke up with me for ongoing reasons for about 6 months-1 year. I have never felt like this about anyone and i am pretty sure she felt the same. i have been the most upset i have ever been, i feel guilty and hurt that i didn't change some of my actions. she was good to me and a good girlfriend. The relationship was filled with massive amounts of love for each other and in person we got on most of the time, we had such a good bond and we was so weird around each other, we was madly in love. But i started to become insecure about everything. i questioned her make up, plans and made her feel bad for things she wasn't doing nothing wrong. in the end it got worse and worse and she began to act slightly differently in terms of plans with her friends, she did see her friends and i did not say no you can't do this or that etc. but in the end it became really bad and i was mentally abusing her due to this, i did know i was doing it at times but other times i didn't, i admitted i had a problem to her ages ago and she did warn me several times. it was mental abuse at times as well as gas lighting and was happening on average once a week at least. i am not proud of it and seeking help, but ever since she left i have realized what i have lost and just feel so low that i have lost what we had and a good girl. i know this is still raw but i really want her back. 

 

i have said to her around 1-2 weeks ago that i have communicated with my friends and family on what was happening and seeking help and doing counselling. i have also communicated more than i ever have for the first time ever due to understanding what and who i have lost. she did reply and said she is glad that i am working on myself and the right path and wished me all the best. and did see she was finding it tough still. 

 

i then replied saying i understand the reasons for ending it, and said when i have found myself again and feel more secure with help, i will fight for what we had and her, where she did not reply, she is stubborn so i expected this. she seems pretty done after giving me time and chances, but is there any advice on what i can do and when, as i know how much she loves me and what we had, if the insecurity stopped our relationship was so so good. 

Try to put yourself in her shoes.  She must have been walking on eggshells around that behavior.  It’s almost as though she had to be perfect vs being herself.  Relationships are about trust and and it wasn’t fair to her if she did nothing wrong.

im not saying you are a bad person, but I feel you need to figure out what is driving that insecurity.  Not sure if you have a sister, but would you want her to be in a similar situation?

my advice is to be brutally honest and focus on the emotional needs you felt you were not getting and from there start looking at whether that responsibility is on her or yours?

im sure you care but sometimes in order to fully love another, you have to love yourself first and work on it.

[semble]

She said she was done and wished you the best. 

You replied you will fight for her. Her feelings, her wishes mean nothing to you. 

Pathetic, disgusting  and scary. 
 

Get help.