Snowed08 Posted July 16 Share Posted July 16 I have a very serious dilemma to discuss and I'd love some feedback on. My husband and I are in our mid 50s. He's 55 and I'm about to turn 54. We've been together some 20+ years now. In the [past few years our sex life has taken a major hit. I'll try to keep this brief but there are a lot of details. When we first met we had sex all the time. But now granted I weighed about 105 soaking wet. I was always the slender, skinny girl in school and my husband said that's one of the major things that att4racted him to me. He loves petite girls. Even after the birth of my 2 sons (from my 1st marriage). We had a lot of sex in the beginning then down through the years the sex has declined. We got married about 7 years into our relationship and things didn't really get any better. Primarily for the reason I started to gain weight. No, I didn't have any other children so we have none together. That coupled with some health issues. It seemed like my husband lost his desire for me and even when we talked about it he stated that my weight gain was a major issue for him. I went up to around 160+ lbs. I thought I looked good with the additional weight on but apparently he didn't. He said I didn't need to get back down to 105 but 120 or so would be okay. Yes, he gained a little weight too but I guess not as much as I did. He honestly can still wear some of the same clothes he had when we met. Later on I eventually found out that he cheated on me with a younger girl and that floored me. He said that it was still because of my weight gain, which I hadn't lost any, and the fact that I wasn't willing to forgive him for the cheating even though we went to several counselors and he apologized numerous times. I just didn't believe him. Yeah, I do tend to throw it up in his face from time to time. Yes, I admit I cheated on him too but when I cheated on him it was before we got married and he cheated after we got married. I feel that his was worse since vows had been taken. Now it seems that we haven't had sex but once in the past year and honestly it was a disaster and he's not tried since. I'm getting fed up with not having sex but he refuses to try anymore. Although He is pleasuring himself in the bathroom or after I go to bed which pisses me off. The other night I asked him if he was cheating on me and he blew up with me. Yes, I threw in his face again the fact that he cheated on me a number of years ago and he again asked my how long I was going to keep throwing that in his face? Why doesn't he want to have sex? Aren't men just wired to want to have sex? My husband said that men still have to have the desire to want to have sex. His comment was that just because you have a vagina doesn't mean we always wanna be in it. He says he enjoys being with me and doing things with me doesn't me he always wants to roll over on me every night. He said that at 55 his sexual desire is changing. Things he use to do when he was in his 20s and 30s he doesn't really want to do anymore. What's wrong with him and what am I suppose to do? I want sex but he's not willing to accommodate me in anyway. He told me to buy a toy but why should I have to buy a toy when I have a husband? He said that it's strange for me to thing that just because you're a woman that doesn't mean you can't still pleasure yourself without a man. I refuse to do that as long as I'm married. No, I've not lost any weight and I've probably gained more. My husband said that I'll get a gym membership then won't go. All I want to do is eat sugary cereal right before bed. I'll admit that when I eat dinner I usually follow it up with a bowl of cereal. Yeah, men lose weight faster than women so why should we have to remail sexy for them? Why can't he accept me for who I am compared to who I use to be? He also says this alot, "women marry men hoping they will change (emotionally) and men marry women hoping they won't change (physically)" Help me out here. Am I to blame for a lot of this, all of this, or none of this? Where's his culpability in any of this? How long can you live without sex? What's his problem? Link to post Share on other sites
happyhorizons Posted July 16 Share Posted July 16 First and foremost, HE is NOT a kind and/or considerate person. I will venture to say that he is not a PHYSICAL SPECIMEN himself and so with that HE HAS NO RIGHT TO JUDGE or comment on your weight. It really is such a CLASSLESS and UNDIGNIFIED way to look at HIS WIFE. You are the ONLY ONE YOU OWE ANYTHING TOO regarding your appearance or fitness. This was horrible to read. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted July 16 Share Posted July 16 14 hours ago, Snowed08 said: Yes, I admit I cheated on him too but when I cheated on him it was before we got married and he cheated after we got married. I feel that his was worse since vows had been taken Sorry, no. Your cheating was worse because you cheated first, unprovoked. I’m not justifying his revenge cheating, it’s also something he shouldn’t have done, but please don’t take the moral high ground. I’m fairly sure the weight gain is just an excuse. He cheated because he couldn’t forgive your cheating (or because he felt something was wrong, in case you think that he didn’t know). If a man truly loves his wife, he won’t cheat on her even if she is obese. 160 lbs is nothing, anyway. 14 hours ago, Snowed08 said: Why doesn't he want to have sex? Aren't men just wired to want to have sex? Most men yes, but we don’t want to have sex with just anyone or under any circumstances. I didn’t want to have sex with my now-ex girlfriend during the last year of our relationship, because we had several serious problems in it. Now I want to have sex all the time with my fiancée, because there is more trust and confidence in this relationship. 14 hours ago, Snowed08 said: He said that at 55 his sexual desire is changing. Things he use to do when he was in his 20s and 30s he doesn't really want to do anymore. What's wrong with him and what am I suppose to do? There is nothing wrong with him if what he says is true. It can be generally true, but I’m not sure that’s really his main reason for not wanting to have sex with you. At 55 most men would have lower testosterone levels, and therefore lower libido than before. I’m surprised that you didn’t know that. 14 hours ago, Snowed08 said: He also says this alot, "women marry men hoping they will change (emotionally) and men marry women hoping they won't change (physically)" That’s just a semi-humorous and rather dumb saying applied to outdated, comically exaggerated gender stereotypes. 14 hours ago, Snowed08 said: Am I to blame for a lot of this, all of this, or none of this? You are probably to blame for some of this, because you cheated first. Definitely not because you gained weight. 14 hours ago, Snowed08 said: Where's his culpability in any of this? His culpability is in the fact he cheated on you too, probably in an act of revenge. At the same time, I don’t think he is obliged to have sex with you. Whatever his reasons may be, if he doesn’t want to sleep with you, he just doesn’t. You can either accept that (and perhaps try to rekindle his desire without blaming him), or divorce him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted July 16 Share Posted July 16 It doesn't sound as if either one of you are willing to change enough to get your relationship onto a good and healthy track. By the way, the kind of changes you'd need to make, IMO, are not associated to losing weight. You're both contributing to this demoralizing and unfulfilling situation. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted July 16 Share Posted July 16 At this point you leave. I agree with the others that this is not about your weight. This is about your connection being broken. And it reads like it's been broken from the initial cheating. You're in your mid-50s, you're not dead yet, you leave and start with someone new. Women will forgive cheating much more often than men. Men rarely get over their partner cheating on them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted July 16 Share Posted July 16 (edited) Wow, it's like someone did research on the biggest trigger keywords and made a post stuffed to the brim with all of them, lol. I'll answer the post anyway... No, it's not "more acceptable" for you to cheat on him just because you're not married. I really doubt that being 160 lbs is the source of all your problems. It's entirely possible for a man to not want to have sex sometimes, especially if his wife cheated on him before. Yes, it's messed up that he cheated on you too and is trying to gaslight you. It's 100% normal for women to masturbate, regardless of marital status. Sex toys are actually amazing and you should definitely try one if you haven't. Edited July 16 by Els 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 16 Share Posted July 16 22 hours ago, Snowed08 said: He also says this alot, "men marry women hoping they won't change (physically)" He does realize that everybody ages, does he not? Both men and women age and their bodies change due to things like time, gravity, menopause, health issues, medication, etc… 23 hours ago, Snowed08 said: It seemed like my husband lost his desire for me and even when we talked about it he stated that my weight gain was a major issue for him. I went up to around 160+ lbs. A weight that is still less than the average North American woman… This isn’t about weight. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 16 Share Posted July 16 I'm going to go against the grain and say that your weight probably does have something to do with it. It may not be objectively justified, but if he didn't think it, then he wouldn't say it. That said, you're still a long way from being significantly overweight, and it's very unfortunate that he isn't able to move with your changing body. I certainly know first hand the struggle with weight following menopause and you have my sympathies. That said, there's a whole lot wrong with a lot of your ideas too, particularly around those related to men 23 hours ago, Snowed08 said: Why doesn't he want to have sex? Aren't men just wired to want to have sex? My husband said that men still have to have the desire to want to have sex. His comment was that just because you have a vagina doesn't mean we always wanna be in it. He says he enjoys being with me and doing things with me doesn't me he always wants to roll over on me every night. He said that at 55 his sexual desire is changing. Things he use to do when he was in his 20s and 30s he doesn't really want to do anymore. What's wrong with him and what am I suppose to do? I want sex but he's not willing to accommodate me in anyway. No, men aren't wired to want to have sex. They are no different to women in terms of the diversity of sexual desire, and how it changes (or doesn't change as they grow older) . And age can certainly have an impact on a man's desire just as it does a woman's. There's been more than one conversation in my female friend group about experiencing our male partners "going off the boil" as they age. I'm also not sure what's going on with frequency of sex in your marriage. His comments of 'don't always want to be in the vagina' and 'not wanting to roll over on you every night' vs 'not willing to accommodate you in anyway'. The two of you are talking in extremes and either one or both of you is exaggerating. How often does he masturbate vs have sex with you? How often do you initiate sex? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Trail Blazer Posted July 17 Share Posted July 17 Neither of you are right for each other and should not be together. He doesn't sound like a great person at all. Anything less than leaving is an inadequate response. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 17 Share Posted July 17 On 7/15/2024 at 8:01 PM, Snowed08 said: Why doesn't he want to have sex? Aren't men just wired to want to have sex? Because of your weight as he said. Men are wired to want sex, but they are also very visual about what turns them on. Link to post Share on other sites
Pwebster24 Posted July 17 Share Posted July 17 I don't mean to play devil's advocate but I think some of you are looking at this a little too deep. She said that one thing that attracted him to her was her slender frame. 105 may seem anorexic to some but if that's what he likes then that's what he likes. When she chose to put on weight she changed the dynamics of the relationship. Yes, we all gain a few lbs as we age but 60 lbs is a big change. Maybe not every guy just wants to run it up in some female simply because she's laying on her back. Plus the fact that she said that she cheated on him as well so she doesn't have much of a dog in the fight to keep bringing up his cheating. I may not want to lay down with a woman too if she keep throwing my past in my face like it just happened last week. It sounds like it was years ago and she's not willing to let it go. If he told her why he's not interested in having sex with her and SHE is the one refusing to do something about it then that's all on her. Didn't he also say she didn't have to go back down to 105 but 120 could be acceptable? He's willing to meet her in the middle but she wants him to accept her for who she is now, all of her. Not ever man wants a thick girl. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted July 17 Share Posted July 17 (edited) I don't advise people to divorce. That said, it sounds like you two have become sexually incompatible. That's a big deal, as intimacy/connection is a substantial part of what makes a partner different from a roommate. I'm in my mid-50's as well. The unfortunate reality is that there's more ways that one way (weight) for someone to be unattractive, particularly as we grow older. It's also true that: a) some men are more fussy that others or have specific things that turn them on b) as pointed out, men's sex drive tends to decline as we grow older c) people can have relative hyper- and hypo-sexual "phases" during their lives, someone in a hypo-sexual phase may be lukewarm on sex when before they were not d) feeling like other aspects of the relationship aren't working (including trust issues) can reduce a person's desire to have sex I suspect some difficult conversations and their related issues are being glossed over in your marriage, or perhaps you've reached an impasse on them that isn't as comfortable for you as it is for him. With that in mind, consider whether couple's counseling with an experienced therapist who genuinely specializes in couple's counseling and sexual health might be beneficial. Edited July 17 by mark clemson Link to post Share on other sites
flitzanu Posted July 17 Share Posted July 17 not the popular opinion, but yes your weight can have everything to do with it. if a male is not physically attracted to a female, then chances are often lower that the male wants to have sex with the female. it doesn't have anything to do with being polite or "comfortable in your own skin", or being skinny/overweight. people are physically attracted to what they are physically attracted to. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Snowed08 Posted July 17 Author Share Posted July 17 It's like he won't even give me a hug. It's funny though, when we go to church he has no problem giving the women at church a hug but he won't touch me at all. And these are some women bigger than me. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 17 Share Posted July 17 Some marriages are really not worth saving. This is one of those marriages. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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