dancehead Posted July 17 Share Posted July 17 (edited) Long story, if you want the background read my other topic about 'girl will not kiss me after 3 years'. I think I should be judged on what has happened more recently. I travelled to meet her. This time she stayed at my hotel. We went out did things, went to the beach. We had sex but she made it hard work. Was it worth the aggro? I'm not sure because she was playing hard to get, ie don't rush me I need to move slowly... "Slowly?? It's been 5 years since we first knew each other..." In the end we did do it and again the next night. I didn't detect any real girlfriend type passion. I've had better sex to be honest. But do you think I should now dump her? She had the cheek to show me a picture of her in a certain country and said her ex lived there. I think she forgot that on those dates, we had arranged for me to visit her... but instead she cut me off (lied and said she was leaving the country when all the while she had this new guy - she must think it's either not a big deal or I'm stupid). You might argue that until we are actually intimate then there is no loyalty to be made on her part to me?. Some guys wouldn't worry about it I know. Anyway if I stick with this 'relationship' or whatever it is it will start to get expensive for me to fly her here as that is the next plan (she doesn't earn much money from her job so I paid for all the meals etc)... What do you think I should do now? Edited July 17 by dancehead Link to post Share on other sites
FredEire Posted July 17 Share Posted July 17 8 minutes ago, dancehead said: Long story, if you want the background read my other topic about 'girl will not kiss me after 3 years'. I think I should be judged on what has happened more recently. I travelled to meet her. This time she stayed at my hotel. We went out did things, went to the beach. We had sex but she made it hard work. Was it worth the aggro? I'm not sure because she was playing hard to get, ie don't rush me I need to move slowly... "Slowly?? It's been 5 years since we first knew each other..." In the end we did do it and again the next night. I didn't detect any real girlfriend type passion. I've had better sex to be honest. But do you think I should now dump her? She had the cheek to show me a picture of her in a certain country and said her ex lived there. I think she forgot that on those dates, we had arranged for me to visit her... but instead she cut me off (lied and said she was leaving the country when all the while she had this new guy - she must think it's either not a big deal or I'm stupid). You might argue that until we are actually intimate then there is no loyalty to be made on her part to me?. Some guys wouldn't worry about it I know. Anyway if I stick with this 'relationship' or whatever it is it will start to get expensive for me to fly her here as that is the next plan (she doesn't earn much money from her job so I paid for all the meals etc)... What do you think I should do now? Well I think on your other thread people concluded this "relationship" was a whole load of nonsense. What's really changed now other than you have slept together? Sounds like you are wasting each others time. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 17 Share Posted July 17 (edited) 2 hours ago, dancehead said: We had sex but she made it hard work. Was it worth the aggro? I'm not sure because she was playing hard to get, ie don't rush me I need to move slowly... "Slowly?? It's been 5 years since we first knew each other..." In the end we did do it and again the next night. I didn't detect any real girlfriend type passion. I've had better sex to be honest. You've had better sex in the past because this sex was coerced. She wasn't playing hard to get! Truth is that she wasn't ready, or wasn't into you or whatever. It doesn't matter what her reason is for not wanting sex - when a person says 'NO' or 'slow down' or 'don't rush me' it means you must stop and back off. Do you know the definition of consent? It's 'enthusiastic participation'. She did this grudgingly because she felt pressured. You're going to rightfully get yourself into trouble with the law if you can't read the room when it comes to consent. That said, it's perfectly reasonable to not continue dating someone who doesn't want sex. You either wait till they are ready or you leave. Lastly, I agree that this has never been a romantic relationship and I can't understand why you've wasted 5 years thinking this friend/acquaintance is a romantic partner. Edited July 17 by basil67 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted July 17 Share Posted July 17 3 hours ago, dancehead said: ie don't rush me I need to move slowly.. I am completely shocked SHOCKED that you think it's ok to pressure a woman for sex because you feel you've waited long enough. Sexual coercion is a sexual assault. If you have to convince a woman to have sex then it means she does not want to! I can't wait they start teaching is school what consent is! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted July 18 Share Posted July 18 (edited) You should never, ever coerce a woman to have sex with you. It’s morally wrong and it will never lead to anything good. That said, to me, waiting five years to have sex with a GF sounds completely insane. I don’t understand why you waited so long in the first place. This whole story sounds like an unhealthy obsession, not like a relationship. Edited July 18 by Gebidozo 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 18 Share Posted July 18 10 hours ago, dancehead said: But do you think I should now dump her? You can't "dump" her when you are not even in a relationship with her, dude. Like we told you in your other thread, this is a complete waste of your time. This woman does not want to date you. 11 hours ago, dancehead said: Anyway if I stick with this 'relationship' or whatever it is This is not a relationship. This woman barely tolerates you. Why do you keep doing this? Find a woman who actually likes you and wants to be with you. This one does not. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ZA Dater Posted July 18 Share Posted July 18 In this scenario you need to look at your own actions too rather than just her actions. Clearly the two of you do not work on any level at all or a level at which you would be happy, your options are to remain as friends and your move on to find a more suitable romantic connection or you simply cut all contact and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
LuckyM Posted July 21 Share Posted July 21 I agree. A time waster you need to let it go totally now Link to post Share on other sites
Author dancehead Posted August 18 Author Share Posted August 18 Just to update you all especially Basil, Gaeta, Gebidozo etc. You have totally got this wrong, you were not in the room. Others need to read the old thread. All I said was she was hard work - there was no "coersion" !!! My god, I'm shocked at these replies. But you need not worry because we had a good talk and worked things out to start afresh and she said she missed me and loves me and she has flown over to live with me. So far all is good. This just proves that love and attraction wins out in the end. BTW, the sex is now fantastic Link to post Share on other sites
FredEire Posted August 18 Share Posted August 18 Quote Short story. I UK man , met very attractive girl on dating app 3 years ago. Later she would call me at 3am naked many times. I'd be warned about girls [ ] doing this in the hope some stupid guy would send money or something or she just wants a visa, so I was cautious. I guessed I was one of many and didn't take it too seriously in case she would be after a man to marry just to take half his house and money etc. I would hear from her on and off over the next 2 years and during the lockdowns. In this time she moved to Europe (don't know how!) I suspect she was illegal where she was and I have no idea how she was making a living there. Now she has moved country again and has proper papers and is working, but not a great wage. 5 months ago she suggested I visit her, we can spend time together, see how we get on and if all ok make plans to live together there for a serious relationship. Ok maybe I misjudged her. So thats what I had in mind when I arrived there, met, went ok, shes just as beautiful in person, but after 3 days not even a kiss, very surprising given the past video calls. I ask her what is wrong, she says she just wants to be friends and go slowly!. GUTTED! I ask her did she meet someone recently, she says yes but didn't know how to tell me. She really should have told me that before I told her I was coming and I wouldn't have gone! Though I didn't say that. She said give her time - there is no future with the guy. So I said if there is no future what is stopping you splitting now I'm here. - "complicated", but give her time maybe there is a future for us, she said. I did not get angry, more upset really, but was tempted to tell her I didn't fly all this way to meet a new friend etc, and she was out of order. I did tell her that you shouldn't expect me to wait for you to make your mind up what you are doing and I may meet someone, She said " Good luck"! Not sure if that was genuine or an annoyed good luck. If I ignore her she calls or texts, if I reply then she goes off the boil. Yes I have considered that the bf, could be made up to spare my feelings if she did not like me in person, but it doesn't look that way because her phone was often ringing and she told me to be quiet and I saw a mans calling when we were out, she turned the phone over and ignored it, this was before she admitted there was a bf. I really did consider flying home early but stayed to enjoy the break and the rest of her company. What do you all think about the situation, her, and what went wrong when we met? And what to do now? She is texting me all the time, thanks for coming, are you home ok etc but I have ignored her, in case I make some more bad moves that I probably have made already...! Plus I am angry with her and she doesn't seem to know or care what she has done, so what is the point. As I say she should have told me not to come and I did say I won't come if you are working a lot but she said come and I had a lot of holiday to take... On 7/17/2024 at 9:14 PM, dancehead said: Long story, if you want the background read my other topic about 'girl will not kiss me after 3 years'. I think I should be judged on what has happened more recently. I travelled to meet her. This time she stayed at my hotel. We went out did things, went to the beach. We had sex but she made it hard work. Was it worth the aggro? I'm not sure because she was playing hard to get, ie don't rush me I need to move slowly... "Slowly?? It's been 5 years since we first knew each other..." In the end we did do it and again the next night. I didn't detect any real girlfriend type passion. I've had better sex to be honest. But do you think I should now dump her? She had the cheek to show me a picture of her in a certain country and said her ex lived there. I think she forgot that on those dates, we had arranged for me to visit her... but instead she cut me off (lied and said she was leaving the country when all the while she had this new guy - she must think it's either not a big deal or I'm stupid). You might argue that until we are actually intimate then there is no loyalty to be made on her part to me?. Some guys wouldn't worry about it I know. Anyway if I stick with this 'relationship' or whatever it is it will start to get expensive for me to fly her here as that is the next plan (she doesn't earn much money from her job so I paid for all the meals etc)... What do you think I should do now? Well good luck with it mate and I sincerely hope it works out. I've just highlighted a few things from this thread and the last one that you might want to at least keep in mind going into the future. Good sex and a few ILYs doesn't always a solid relationship make in the long term. Anyway, best of luck with it! Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted August 18 Share Posted August 18 5 hours ago, dancehead said: Just to update you all especially Basil, Gaeta, Gebidozo etc. You have totally got this wrong, you were not in the room. Others need to read the old thread. All I said was she was hard work - there was no "coersion" !!! My god, I'm shocked at these replies. But you need not worry because we had a good talk and worked things out to start afresh and she said she missed me and loves me and she has flown over to live with me. So far all is good. This just proves that love and attraction wins out in the end. BTW, the sex is now fantastic No what wins out in the end was proper communication. If it hadn't happened you wouldn't be here boasting about it. Link to post Share on other sites
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