NSV Posted July 19 Share Posted July 19 As the title suggests... I want some commitment in our relationship. I'm ready for commitment. And to a degree I believe I show it. She is my world... she is my priority. I think of and want her only. I subsidise her financially (we live separately) she has 3 children, I am older and have 2 grown up children and a young son who I have 1-2 days a week. Lately though I feel distanced... she has gone through a horrendous divorce in the last year or so. We go away on holidays ever year... Been seeing/with her for 3 or 4 years. I find myself blocked from her social media... and her reasons are it's HER personal life. I dont socialise with my friends anywhere near as.much as she does with hers... Mainly as she is my priority... my life I arrange around what she needs me for first. Helping with kids education school runs or general taxi service. How best to approach this exclusivity subject with her? Is that what she is waiting for or am I genuinely taken for granted as a useful guy. Link to post Share on other sites
semble Posted July 19 Share Posted July 19 Given the circumstances it's extremely foolish for you to be supporting her financially and being her errand boy. It defies all sort of logic and common sense. There's a good chance she sees you nothing more than an opportunistic money tree and a servant of sorts. Forget the exclusivity, she knows that's what you want and she's not interested. She's got your money and she's got her freedom to be with whomever she wants while you run around doing chores for her and her kids. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NSV Posted July 19 Author Share Posted July 19 Jeez... harsh and to the point. I believe she doesn't see others and regards me as her partner/boyfriend to others... (albeit not to me generally) I do feel there's an expectation at times that being the.man... he should look after his girl. It might be worth mentioning she's Russian, I'm English... very different cultures. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted July 19 Share Posted July 19 (edited) I'm confused. In your first post you're saying you're not exclusive and in your next post you said you "believe she doesn't see others and regards you as her partner". Which is it? Edited July 19 by Els Link to post Share on other sites
Author NSV Posted July 19 Author Share Posted July 19 3 minutes ago, Els said: I'm confused. In your first post you're saying you're not exclusive and in your next post you said you "believe she doesn't see others and regards you as her partner". Which is it? My belief is that we are seen as in an exclusive relationship, but lately Im not feeling it. I aim to find out if its because she wants freedom or if she wants more commitment from me. I wish for us to both be exclusive with each other. 8 minutes ago, Els said: I'm confused. In your first post you're saying you're not exclusive and in your next post you said you "believe she doesn't see others and regards you as her partner". Which is it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author NSV Posted July 19 Author Share Posted July 19 1 minute ago, NSV said: My belief is that we are seen as in an exclusive relationship, but lately Im not feeling it. I aim to find out if its because she wants freedom or if she wants more commitment from me. I wish for us to both be exclusive with each other. I have an element of agreement with semble above... supporting her financially without feeling I'm the one for her is a bit of a red flag. Link to post Share on other sites
semble Posted July 19 Share Posted July 19 (edited) 3 hours ago, NSV said: I do feel there's an expectation at times that being the.man... he should look after his girl. You don't even know if she's "your girl". Even if she is "your girl" there's no good reason for all the money and assistance to flow in one direction, with little to nothing coming back. The whole social media block is weird too. Anyway back to your original question, how to approach her. Why don't you just ask her ask you did here? You almost sound afraid of her, like you're walking on eggshells around her, concerned about saying the wrong thing. What are you so fearful of? Edited July 19 by semble Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted July 19 Share Posted July 19 She’s blocking you on her social media and you think she’s “your girl” and are supporting her financially? This makes no sense. 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NSV Posted July 19 Author Share Posted July 19 6 hours ago, Gebidozo said: She’s blocking you on her social media and you think she’s “your girl” and are supporting her financially? This makes no sense. Basically yeah... I agree, don't get it. She had posted video clips I had taken of her on a recent holiday... which I had liked. Then just yesterday I discovered I couldn't see them any more... and on looking for her profile noticed I couldn't find it. On confronting her if she had deleted her profile or blocked me she replied she hadn't. I ran through how to check and sure enough I was blocked? Which she claimed at first she had no idea how... but that developed into a row where she stated she wanted her privacy with her friends? I'm fully aware that's a potentual red flag... I'm not scared... egg shells is an interesting analogy though... certainly have to be thoughtful how I say things to her... maybe a language thing. My intention is to put the idea of exclusivity ro her... And to explain that blocking me from her social media is more a sign of wanting nothing to do with me. Or having something to hide. Incidentally... I've now noticed tonight a couple of her friends profiles are strangely not visible to me... I smell a rat... Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted July 19 Share Posted July 19 (edited) If you subsidize her AND you are uncomfortable having an exclusivity conversation ... And ... you in general feel distance from her, then you are not in a relationship worthy of being exclusive. You are in a one-side relationship with you on the low side, the side of giving too much and not receiving enough. In a healthy mutually respecting relationship, the partners arrive at exclusivity pretty naturally. The problem here is that you are not in a healthy or equal relationship. You organize your life around her life and are blocked from her social media?! ... Preposterous ... absolutely terrible. There is no way this woman wants to be exclusive with you--that would make it an equal relationship. And she does NOT want that. And look, she is definitely seeing other guys and flirting with other guys if she's blocking you from her social media. Guarantee that! Edited July 19 by Lotsgoingon 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 19 Share Posted July 19 How did it come about that you agreed to finance her and give her all this support without already being exclusive? Anyway, the ball is in your court. If she's not treating you how you want to be treated, have a conversation about it. If she won't change, then stop supporting her. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted July 20 Share Posted July 20 2 hours ago, NSV said: My intention is to put the idea of exclusivity ro her... And to explain that blocking me from her social media is more a sign of wanting nothing to do with me. But she’s certainly aware of the idea of exclusivity, and she understands very well that blocking you from her social media is a sign of wanting nothing to do with you. There is nothing to explain to her here. The more you try to explain, the angrier she’ll get, and for a good reason. It’s like someone slaps you on your face and you try to explain to them that doing that usually means that they don’t like you. They know that already. That’s why they’re doing it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted July 20 Share Posted July 20 You haven't had the exclusivity conversation yet, but you are supporting her financially? I'm sorry but that is just plain foolish. Someone who is old enough to have grown children should know better than to do something like this. This woman has blocked you from her social media. She is clearly not interested in blending her life with yours. You have 3 children of your own, yet you have nothing better to do with your money than to pour it into some woman who is not even showing that she is interested in a proper relationship with you? Really? You need to learn to recognize red flags and make better life decisions. This arrangement that you have makes no sense. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted July 22 Share Posted July 22 You don't support anyone financially unless they have a ring on their finger and say I do. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
semble Posted July 22 Share Posted July 22 44 minutes ago, smackie9 said: You don't support anyone financially unless they have a ring on their finger and say I do. You don't say I do nor put a ring on their finger if they need to be financially supported by you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
FredEire Posted July 22 Share Posted July 22 (edited) 1 hour ago, semble said: You don't say I do nor put a ring on their finger if they need to be financially supported by you. Agree, in modern times where both genders have opportunity for work a notable huge in income in a marriage to the point one person has to constantly pay for everything is going to cause a power imbalance, IMO. Edited July 22 by FredEire Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted July 22 Share Posted July 22 4 hours ago, smackie9 said: You don't support anyone financially unless they have a ring on their finger and say I do. Well, that is a very old-fashioned sentiment that I personally do not share. I think it’s healthier when both partners are financially independent, before and after marriage. But when there is love and trust in a relationship, there is nothing wrong with supporting your partner financially, before or after marriage. The problem is rather that it’s not the OP’s case. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 24 Share Posted July 24 (edited) I know someone who had a similar arrangement… let’s just say, she has been laughing all the way to the bank and he is left feeling lonely and unhappy. Lately, the sex hasn’t even made it worth it for him anymore so he’s starting to distance himself… She is sending a pretty clear message when she blocks you on social media because she wants to keep her personal life private. You shouldn’t be sending money to a woman who does not want a committed, personal relationship with you - that’s the bottom line here. You’ve been trying to be a partner to this woman who doesn’t want to commit to a relationship with you. You need to stop that - as the saying goes, you shouldn’t be crossing oceans for a someone who wouldn’t step over a puddle for you. You are hoping that she will cross the ocean for you, but she has told you - she won’t even step over a puddle and add you to her Facebook page. Take that for what it’s worth - Edited July 24 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted July 24 Share Posted July 24 (edited) On 7/19/2024 at 7:37 AM, NSV said: she's Russian, I'm English... very different cultures. Russian women expect the man to pay everything yes. They are also very difficult women with a huge harsh temper. Once she has no use of you she will discard you. The reason they are like this is cultural yes because they come from a long line of women that could not count on their husband and were abandonned with little kids in middle of wars and famine, and there is a huge alcohol problem with men. In her mind she will use you until the resources run out, then she'll find another source.they don't have a lot of respect for men. As you see she does not have respect for you. Before getting married one of my brothers dated 2 russian women. Absolutely beautiful women, and smart. One of them was a nuclear specialist something something, these women destroyed him! They had huge fits for silly little stuff, lots of yielling, lots of degrading him, even in front of us his family they would ridicule him. There was a lot of *you're the man you do that*. Thank goodness he woke up. Edited July 24 by Gaeta 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted July 24 Share Posted July 24 On 7/22/2024 at 12:53 PM, semble said: You don't say I do nor put a ring on their finger if they need to be financially supported by you. I only say that if the person is willing to financially support them and the OP is willing...it's a choice, not wrong or right. Link to post Share on other sites
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