going through a hard time

[S2B]

When he goes on those trips with friends - like he did recently… can you tell with certainty that he’s is only with who you expected him to be with?

we all know he could easily plan a trip that looks as if he’s only with those friends - but could easily extend his time to meet up with someone else before he heads home… without you knowing that he stayed a few days extra to see someone else.

was anything at all amiss while he was away from you? You were away too - is it possible you were super busy and missed any important clues?

[S2B]

You said he works out and has coffee with people. Who are those people? How often does he go?

any man saying another persons name while he’s sleeping is concerning! Who is this woman? How did he explain saying her name?

Edited August 22 by S2B

[heartwhole2]

I appreciate all the words of caution. 

Yes, the trip was definitely legitimate and we were in constant contact. It's hard to explain without TMI.

As my therapist said, it feels like we're trying to put together a puzzle without all the pieces. So it's helpful for me to write it all out here. I do tend to try different theories on to see if they fit. And in my assessment, "He has one foot out the door" doesn't fit as well as it did two weeks ago. He's no longer avoiding talking about future plans, for example. 

And as the star of my own story, I don't think I've really highlighted how different our home life can be if I focus my energies on reducing his stress. He wasn't asking for things, and I wasn't volunteering to do them. Again, it's on him that he can't use his words, but I'm happy to feel useful. There was a big chasm between how much I can do to make life less stressful for him and how much I was doing before. 

The theory that I do think/hope fits is that he is conflict avoidant, and he was not speaking up about what he wanted and needed. He began to feel more and more stressed and unappreciated, again, without ever saying something. He's also someone who isn't really suited to companionable love, and he needs to fall back in love with me every so often. 

When we were about a year out of college, he kind of tried to break up with me. I think he said he wanted to "date casually" instead of seriously. I was like, sure sure, we are dating casually now . . . nothing changed, and a year later we got engaged. We would always joke about that time, with him saying, "It didn't take." And then ten or so years later, he had the affair. And now it's ten years later again. At this point I'm wondering if his wanderlust, ENFP personality is just going to try, unsuccessfully I hope, to get rid of me every 10 years. A close family friend once told me that I was the only thing he had ever stuck with. He craves newness, but I don't think that has to mean that he can't sustain a life-time commitment if he can work out his jitters and infuse the relationship with renewed passion every so often.

Ultimately, it's not within my control. All I can do is act in good faith and see if it's reciprocated.