Getting ghosted and cutting losses.

[winny]

Back with a new dating story after a while... 

Was single for a while.. thriving at an amazing job. Life was going great. Friends said I should date again and plan to settle down now with a nice man. I decided to give it a shot. But instead of a regular dating site, I tried one made for people looking for marriages. Yes these exist in the South Asian culture. It's common for people on these apps to live in different states or countries. You speak for a while on phone/texts/video calls and then plan to meet in person. I know lot of people who found their spouses this way.

On one such site, I met a guy in his early 40s (1.5 yrs older than me) who seemed pretty promising. He was divorced with no kids. I have never been married. We started communicating via texts and phone calls. He would initiate the texting every day. It wasn't a lot. It was 2-3 texts every day and 1-2 calls each week. Although long texts and calls each time. Conversation flowed easily. Nothing sexual.

We live in adjacent states in the US. After 2-3 weeks, I started feeling like something is off because even though he would chit chat about everything and he would give me details of how his day was etc.. he wouldn't directly or indirectly mention about us meeting in person in the future. It had never happened to me before that conversation was going well with someone and they never even hint meeting in person. So at this point I jokingly asked him about meeting to which he jokingly gave a positive answer saying he would love to. I was not 100% satisfied with this answer and it kept bothering me. I did background check on him and everything looked okay. 

Now his parents and other family members visited him to celebrate this parents' wedding anniversary. They were also going to stay with him for a while. He seemed quite enthusiastic about this anniversary party that he was hosting and we even discussed a lot about what gift he should purchase. He would talk to me a lot about his parents and family and it sounded like a very close knit family. He would ask me for movie suggestions on what he could watch with this family. He sent me pictures of his parents and other family members. Oddly, he was never in any of those pictures. In fact he never sent me any pictures of himself other than what was on his profile on the app where we matched. I sent him my pictures 2 times thinking that would encourage him to send his pics. But all I would get were pictures of places they visited or pictures of his family members. I thought this was a red flag and also something I had never encountered before. No guy had ever sent me pics of their family members or friends if they were not in them themselves. From the time we started talking he would tell me about his job and it sounded quite demanding. And he started to tell me about some very critical technical issues that suddenly came up and how those are taking up a lot of his time and he is having meetings at all sorts of hrs and sometimes also working in weekends and not sleeping well. Anyways he still had not brought up meeting in person and that was in the back of my mind. 

I didn't want to waste my time just doing random talks with no promise of future meeting. So as we were approaching the 2 months mark of talking, I decided to ask him over text if he is open to meeting in future.  He responded very positively and said he is planning to travel to my city this summer so we could meet in person after his family leaves and the ongoing issues at his work resolve. That calmed my nerves somewhat and I thought I will ask more details the next time we speak on phone. This was June 27th.

Now the weekend after this he said that he is very busy decluttering and doing a yard sale and home renovations. On Monday and Tuesday he said he is busy wrapping up a ton of work because he was taking his parents and rest of the family on a road trip to few different places for July 4th (something he had mentioned to me before I asked about meeting in person). I felt a little odd that he didn't call me knowing he will be traveling the remainder of the week but also didn't think too much of it. He continued texting me once a day (long texts) throughout his trip. Sent me pics but only of the scenery. However once he did not get back to me for almost 2 days. But I let it go because he was traveling and continued to respond to him normally. Finally when he was back home on the following Tuesday (July 9th),  he continued texting me once a day... but no phone call on either Wed or Thurs. He had also not texted me on Tuesday at all but I let it go because he was traveling back. By this time it had been 2 weeks since we spoke on phone. The last time we spoke on phone was a day before I had texted him to ask about meeting in person. Also, throughout the trip he was supposedly also taking work calls and working late nights. And would talk about how crazy and stressful work has been.

My gut kept telling me that something isn't right. But I kept my cool and let this unfold.

Friday (July 12th) morning around 4 am I got a text from him saying how crazy his day was at work and how those issues have gotten even worse and apologized that he hasn't been able to call me since returning from trip due to work but that he will call me in the weekend. Later in the same day, I responded by telling him my availability during the weekend for a call and asked his weekend plans. But he never got back to my text day that day nor did I hear anything back the whole weekend. Complete silence. No call or text.

This got me really worried. He had never gone silent on me this long. I was thinking if he is ghosting me to avoid further questions about meeting or something else happened. So Monday morning I dropped a text saying.. hey checking in... is everything okay at your end...? haven't heard from you in 3 days.. was expecting your call...as per your last text... to which he responded almost 15 hrs later! Post midnight! By this time I had already accepted that I have been ghosted. (It had been nearly 4 days since I heard from him last.)

It was a few back to back texts saying sorry he was busy at work all this time with those issues, which are now escalated to management level and he is so tired and sleep deprived and he needs a long vacation and asked me how my weekend was. These work related stuff I had heard from him for over a month now...and always responded with supportive replies. But when each and every text they send you talks about crazy work, lack of sleep, unending meetings... you start to feel like even sending a text is disturbing them. Add to it 2 weeks of no phone calls, 4 days of ghosting... (plus the red flags mentioned above)  things weren't looking good. And I also noticed there was no mention of when he would call me next. I decided to go to sleep and deal with this the next day. 

Next day after work, I responded saying something along the lines of : Good evening...! I hope your work issues are resolved soon and you actually get to go on a vacation. You seem to have a lot on your plate right now - work, family, home renovations... and i don't want to add to it. so i think it's best that i let you focus on those things and not disturb with my texts  Text me when your schedule is less hectic. Take care and make sure to get some sleep  

Maybe I will hear from him again.. maybe not.

But.... Disappointed.

When someone goes missing on you for 3-4 days once... and suddenly breaks the communication pattern that they established...and don't call you after saying they would... and you treat them like normal... they can do that again. And better to pull back from such situations and cut your losses. I have no way to know if he was busy with work or something else. Was he deliberately ignoring me or not. But I know we all have our phones next to us and a short text informing someone that you cannot keep your promise to call or are busy takes 10 secs. 

I have learnt that there are a lot of people on online dating and marriage apps/sites who have no interest in a relationship or marriage - some of them are married/have a GF/BF, some are simply scammers, some just want attention... its hard to know for sure always. And it can be very confusing when they start to pull back for no apparent reason after great conversations or dates. But generally the pull back happens when you ask for a meeting, a video call or a commitment or something that requires effort or right after sex. Some people have baggage and get cold feet and run. It is important to just observe the changes in behaviors. And pull back yourself if there are too many red flags to protect yourself and your peace of mind. Maybe they were actually very busy... but how long can you wait for them to be free? And how many times? Wouldn't it be great if they just let you know that they are no longer interested and give you the closure. But looks like some people always like to keep options open. They would rather do a slow fade or ghost you. Would these people make good life partners for anyone? I doubt. So you have to give yourself the closure and move on.

The End.

[Sony12]

People flake out over online dating apps all the time. It's kind of just par for the course. There could be lots of different reasons as to why it happened but the only thing that matters is that they aren't showing enough interest to actually go ahead and meet.

If you stay on the sites this won't be the only time this happens. If you talk to enough people though you will find people willing to put forth the effort to meet.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't think this person is who he claimed to be.  

There were red flags all over this. Cut your losses earlier next time, and don't waste your energy on someone who is this evasive. 

[Gaeta]

I'm sorry this happenned to you but....We have instinct and gut feelings so we use them.  You felt something was wrong but did nothing about it. I would have asked that guy to video call at the moment l felt enough interest to meet him. 

Try to date local people you can meet right away.

[semble]

13 hours ago, winny said:

So at this point I jokingly asked him about meeting to which he jokingly gave a positive answer

I sent him my pictures 2 times thinking that would encourage him to send his pics.

The two quotes I included above are very telling.

Why is a joke to ask the guy about meeting. Why didn't you just say "it's time we meet, I don't like to waste time with a lot of back and forth chatter that may not go anywhere".

Why would you send him pictures 2 times "thinking it would encourage him to send his pics". Why not just  ASK HIM to send you pictures.

What is your resistance to doing a video chat so you can see the person live and up close that you're devoting all this time and effort to?

What are you so afraid of that prevents you from being proactive and leaves you resorting to "making hints and jokes" hoping to get a productive response?

[introverted1]

My take is that he is married or otherwise committed.  Hence no pictures, long gaps in communication, preference for text over phone calls, ghosting when the pressure of meeting was too much. 

[SEASON_WINTER]

He doesn’t seem ready or even wish to meet in person.
Recently, I was texting with one guy who also doesn’t seem to initiate meetup and even the text conversation became sexual. Keep telling me that he goes to gym to do sexercise when he become attached. 
Somehow, we meet people not matching to our expectations. We have to move on. Focus on ourselves.

[happyhorizons]

1 hour ago, SEASON_WINTER said:

He doesn’t seem ready or even wish to meet in person.
Recently, I was texting with one guy who also doesn’t seem to initiate meetup and even the text conversation became sexual. Keep telling me that he goes to gym to do sexercise when he become attached. 
Somehow, we meet people not matching to our expectations. We have to move on. Focus on ourselves.

What does he mean by “sexercise.” I am a very active gym goer but that is a very strange term. If you REALLY work at the gym, you are focused on doing your work and nothing else.

[SEASON_WINTER]

At first , I wonder if that is a proper English word. 

[happyhorizons]

9 minutes ago, SEASON_WINTER said:

At first , I wonder if that is a proper English word. 

I have never heard that word nor do I have any idea what its meaning might be.

[Alpacalia]

Sorry this happened. I think he wasn't the right match for you. At least you found out before you ever met him. That would have been even harder.

I know it's easier said than done but try not to get invested too quickly with someone that you've never met.  Also, realistically, you both live in different states. I would think that would be harder to meet.

[winny]

4 hours ago, semble said:

The two quotes I included above are very telling.

Why is a joke to ask the guy about meeting. Why didn't you just say "it's time we meet, I don't like to waste time with a lot of back and forth chatter that may not go anywhere".

Why would you send him pictures 2 times "thinking it would encourage him to send his pics". Why not just  ASK HIM to send you pictures.

What is your resistance to doing a video chat so you can see the person live and up close that you're devoting all this time and effort to?

What are you so afraid of that prevents you from being proactive and leaves you resorting to "making hints and jokes" hoping to get a productive response?

I did ask him directly to meet as well. Its mentioned in the post. And he gave me a positive answer. And the changes in communication patterns kind of started from that point onwards. 

But you are right that I should have been more assertive about sharing pictures and video call. That probably would have stopped this even early on. Thats my learning from this. 

[winny]

1 hour ago, Alpacalia said:

Sorry this happened. I think he wasn't the right match for you. At least you found out before you ever met him. That would have been even harder.

I know it's easier said than done but try not to get invested too quickly with someone that you've never met.  Also, realistically, you both live in different states. I would think that would be harder to meet.

Agree, but I don't have many people from my culture living locally. So my friends and I who want to marry within our culture have to look for matches in other locations. Which does bring additional risks with it. I try to at least look for people who are less than 2 hrs by flight. My biggest mistake was not asking for a video call soon enough. I will do that the next time to mitigate at least some risk. 

[winny]

6 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I'm sorry this happenned to you but....We have instinct and gut feelings so we use them.  You felt something was wrong but did nothing about it. I would have asked that guy to video call at the moment l felt enough interest to meet him. 

Try to date local people you can meet right away.

Thanks... You are right I should have done more... I think it was a mix of multiple things from my end... being uncomfortable with video calls in general with new people because I am introverted and wanting him to take the initiative. Also once he had mentioned how he doesn't like video calls at work and I thought maybe he has the same issue as me.

But I understand that probably made me the perfect person for him that he could talk to without revealing much about him. I will make sure this doesn't happen again and I will spend some time with video calls and prep myself beforehand if I meet another man like this. 

[winny]

2 hours ago, happyhorizons said:

What does he mean by “sexercise.” I am a very active gym goer but that is a very strange term. If you REALLY work at the gym, you are focused on doing your work and nothing else.

Ha ha ha... even I don't know what is that word mean... Thank god I just exercise at home now... LOL

[winny]

I am so glad that you all agree that there were many red flags here. That makes me feel better and have more confidence on my gut feelings. Thanks. 

[stillafool]

Never go for more than 2-3 weeks or so chatting before a meet up.  Otherwise you may be wasting your time.  You spent too much time talking long distance.

[Alpacalia]

23 minutes ago, winny said:

Agree, but I don't have many people from my culture living locally. So my friends and I who want to marry within our culture have to look for matches in other locations. Which does bring additional risks with it. I try to at least look for people who are less than 2 hrs by flight. My biggest mistake was not asking for a video call soon enough. I will do that the next time to mitigate at least some risk. 

 Yes, asking for a videocall would have been a good idea. If they balk or avoid, then you know not to take seriously 😉

[winny]

2 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Never go for more than 2-3 weeks or so chatting before a meet up.  Otherwise you may be wasting your time.  You spent too much time talking long distance.

totally. the last time i did meet the guy very fast even though he was in a different location because he was interested in meeting and within a week or so of talking he wanted to meet in person so we arranged and met. it didnt work out eventually but people who are serious they want to meet quickly even when living in different location. this was the second guy i was talking to who lived in a different location. and within 2-3 weeks i started to feel things are not okay but my own personality issues prevented me from doing enough to cut my losses earlier. 

[ExpatInItaly]

37 minutes ago, winny said:

Also once he had mentioned how he doesn't like video calls at work

Well, sure. But what was his issue doing a video call... from home? 

The more you write, the more I think this person is married. 

[Alpacalia]

26 minutes ago, winny said:

totally. the last time i did meet the guy very fast even though he was in a different location because he was interested in meeting and within a week or so of talking he wanted to meet in person so we arranged and met. it didnt work out eventually but people who are serious they want to meet quickly even when living in different location. this was the second guy i was talking to who lived in a different location. and within 2-3 weeks i started to feel things are not okay but my own personality issues prevented me from doing enough to cut my losses earlier. 

I did talk to someone for a month before we went out, and we dated for several months. But it was someone a mutual friend knew. With a random stranger it's a bit different of course.

[winny]

20 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Well, sure. But what was his issue doing a video call... from home? 

The more you write, the more I think this person is married. 

What I meant was, since pandemic, a lot of work meetings are over zoom or google meet etc. where people have to keep their cameras on. He said he doesn't like to have camera on and in his company they keep cameras off. 

I had done a background check on him using BeenVerified and Spokeo when we first started talking... but no wife showed up in the results (still you never know).. the phone number he called me from was registered to him.. all the location, family info, education and job details also matched. I also searched for him on Facebook that time and found some public pics of him and his family members which matched with what he sent me later on - different pics of same people. Also the same number was on Whatsapp with a different picture of him. The only thing was that the pictures on the marriage profile were edited somewhat to lighten the skin color as compared to the pics on social media and whatsapp. As in.. he is pretty dark skinned in reality but from the pics on his marriage profile one would like he is pretty fair skinned. In South Asian cultures some people are obsessed with skin color and consider dark skin to be not beautiful. So they edit their pics like this I guess. Which is silly because if you meet in person then obviously your real skin color would be known.. so whats the point LOL 

[ExpatInItaly]

But you never actually spoke live on camera with him to verify that he was the person he said he was, right? 

9 minutes ago, winny said:

He said he doesn't like to have camera on and in his company they keep cameras off. 

So why would you assume this meant he wouldn't be open to a personal video call?  Not having a camera on during a work meeting and not wanting to have a video call with a potential romantic interest are not the same thing at all. 

Look, it's easy for people to steal others' information and pics. I know because it happened to me, and some woman I've never heard of had used some of my information and photos to pass off as herself. All the background checks in the world mean very little unless you can match a face to the name and photo - live.

Edited July 20 by ExpatInItaly

[winny]

5 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

But you never actually spoke live on camera with him to verify that he was the person he said he was, right? 

So why would you assume this meant he wouldn't be open to a personal video call?  Not having a camera on during a work meeting and not wanting to have a video call with a potential romantic interest are not the same thing at all. 

Look, it's easy for people to steal others' information and pics. I know because it happened to me, and some woman I've never heard of had used some of my information and photos to pass off as herself. All the background checks in the world mean very little unless you can match a face to the name and photo - live.

Correct, we never spoke live on camera. And I also agree about stealing information. 

[winny]

Just wanted to summarize the various feedbacks and responses -

1. I should have asked for a video call way early and asked for more pics directly to make sure all details are matching up - so I have some work to do on my end on this. 

2. He is potentially married and thats why the ghosting to avoid getting caught

3. He is potentially a scammer who stole information again leading to ghosting when asked to meet in person

4. Date local to be able to meet quicker - I think I will be doing both local and outside states but just need to be taking more steps to identify potential scammers and liars.

5. No one knows what is sexercise LOL

Requesting admin to close the thread. Thank you again for all your responses.