my wife (30F) cheated on me (30M) after we argued and a month of communication cold war

[basil67]

15 minutes ago, Solid-Storm6763 said:

She explicitly said she will meet and talk with me when I go back.

She had been promising to make the change when she was still here, but I was skeptical  when she was still trying to hide and lie in our communication. Maybe she decided to not make any change later after she was gone. Either way I would've expected her to talk to me if she has made up her mind, instead of getting laid with another man without talking to me as we should.

That's fair.  And I assume she made no attempt to contact you while she was away?

[Solid-Storm6763]

36 minutes ago, basil67 said:

That's fair.  And I assume she made no attempt to contact you while she was away?

Only once, on the day after she was gone, but I missed that call. Then everything almost fast-forwarded to the my first letter 3 weeks later.

[basil67]

22 minutes ago, Solid-Storm6763 said:

Only once, on the day after she was gone, but I missed that call. Then everything almost fast-forwarded to the my first letter 3 weeks later.

Could she have been calling to inform you that she'd decided that she wants out?  

[Solid-Storm6763]

1 minute ago, basil67 said:

Could she have been calling to inform you that she'd decided that she wants out?  

Certainly no, it's likely that she called to tell me her flight safely landed. Coz if she was trying to tell me her decision, she would call a couple more times or write to me. 

[basil67]

14 minutes ago, Solid-Storm6763 said:

Certainly no, it's likely that she called to tell me her flight safely landed. Coz if she was trying to tell me her decision, she would call a couple more times or write to me. 

Of course her flight landed safely - there's no reason to assume otherwise.   And even then, a text is more than sufficient to relay a simple fact.  The fact she called you means she wanted to speak about something

If you weren't willing to do the simple thing of returning her missed call it tells her that you don't want to speak to her....so it makes no sense she'd keep trying contact you.  Same goes for writing a letter....when the other party isn't holding up their end of staying in contact, why bother?   If you wanted to stay informed, you should have maintained open communication lines.

That's the thing with a "cold war".  People stop communicating

Edited July 22 by basil67

[ExpatInItaly]

10 hours ago, Solid-Storm6763 said:

But this still sounds absurd to me that a person could change completely in just a month time

You are still in denial. She didn't change "completely" in a month. She's been scoping out other options for a while: 

On 7/21/2024 at 1:11 AM, Solid-Storm6763 said:

she would text with sexual implications with her male friends which made me really sad (though I believed she did that only for seeking attention rather than intending to cheat)

You want to pretend to yourself that this wasn't a major red flag, but it was. It doesn't matter why she was sexting other guys - bottom line, she was doing it and you were trying to minimize what it meant. She's been at this for a while. It was limited to chats then, but that was your glaringly obvious clue that she was on her way out of this marriage. 

It sounds like you got a terrible wake-up call here, but you need to really start accepting that she is not in love with you anymore and wants to move on. She chose a horrible way to do it, which should be further proof to you that this marriage is dead. 

[Lotsgoingon]

The sexual messages with men is cheating. Sending your brother to verify her meeting with a man was like sending a fireman at a 3-alarm to verify that there is a fire--at a house engulfed by flames.

Look, certain decisions are hard. And I've noticed that a lot of people who have cheating spouses want to confirm 5 different ways that their partner is cheating. 

To back up, sounds to me like the relationship wasn't working even if you exclude the sexual messages to men and if you exclude the sex with another guy.