Seen so many fake lovers, worried that I am one of them

[Surtr]

I have seen so many "lovers" in movies, stories, real life, etc. And most of them do terrible things to their other half. Like they beat their partner, cheat on them, insult eachother in a really disrespecting way. And then I thought that maybe they aren't as much different as I am. I mean I can never imagine beating her, in a way that even thinking about it is disturbing. But maybe they are like this too, maybe their situation just got out of hand, they didn't want to do it either, it just happened. And now I'm worried that what if I do these things too. What if these kinda "lovers" thought they wouldn't do such things either.

[stillafool]

If you feel that way get into therapy before you ruin someone else's life as well as your own.

[Lotsgoingon]

2 hours ago, Surtr said:

I have seen so many "lovers" in movies, stories, real life, etc. And most of them do terrible things to their other half. Like they beat their partner, cheat on them, insult each other in a really disrespecting way. 

Wow, I have very high standards for what defines a good relationship. And I have no idea what movies and stories you're talking about. Go see a rom-com or something. 

I fear this is some kind of depression talking, imposing a deeply negative view on a wildly diverse and chaotic reality where there are many wonderful people treating partners well in the world. All conflict is not toxic. Conflict (disagreement and some tension)  is normal as couples work to reconcile the views of two very different people (no matter how similar we want them to be). 

But all relationship disagreement isn't violent or malicious. 

Edited July 22, 2024 by Lotsgoingon

[Surtr]

2 hours ago, stillafool said:

If you feel that way get into therapy before you ruin someone else's life as well as your own.

I don't feel that way, All I'm saying is that what if those people didn't feel that way either, and did those bad acts anyways. I'm not defending them and I have no intention of doing what is considered bad in a relationship, I'm just worried.

[Surtr]

1 hour ago, Lotsgoingon said:

I have no idea what movies and stories you're talking about. Go see a rom-com or something.

I believe you are right. I literally wasn't thinking about these stuff until I watched a drama movie about a guy killing his "love".

Edited July 22, 2024 by Surtr

[basil67]

3 hours ago, Surtr said:

I don't feel that way, All I'm saying is that what if those people didn't feel that way either, and did those bad acts anyways. I'm not defending them and I have no intention of doing what is considered bad in a relationship, I'm just worried.

If you know good behaviour from bad and choose to control your own actions, there is nothing to worry about.

[basil67]

Also, bad people are over represented in TV and movies because it makes good drama.    I love a good BBC mystery and I tell you, there's some really murdery small British towns 

[Gebidozo]

Your post reminds me of that old joke / fable where the members of an entire family go down to the basement one by one and cry and get desperate because there is an axe stuck in the ceiling and they’re afraid that one day it might fall down on someone’s head. Only one of them has the sense to just pry the axe off the ceiling and put it down.

If you don’t want to do those bad things to your lover, the solution is very simple: don’t do them.

Also, I don’t know what movies have you been watching and what kind of people have you been hanging with. There are couples that are mutually loving and respectful and never cheat or beat each other up. Try to model your behavior on that.

 

[Surtr]

11 hours ago, basil67 said:

If you know good behaviour from bad and choose to control your own actions, there is nothing to worry about.

Yeah you are right, thanks.

[ExpatInItaly]

On 7/22/2024 at 5:02 PM, Surtr said:

I have seen so many "lovers" in movies, stories, real life, etc. And most of them do terrible things to their other half. Like they beat their partner, cheat on them, insult eachother in a really disrespecting way

What sort of people are your surounding yourself with? And what kind of movies are you watching? Because I would say the vast majority of people I know are not abusers or cheaters.

On 7/22/2024 at 5:02 PM, Surtr said:

And now I'm worried that what if I do these things too

Are you prone to violence or mistreating other people? 

[Surtr]

12 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

What sort of people are your surounding yourself with?

I'm not talking about the people around me. It's the life stories I have read online or have been told by some friends.

12 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Are you prone to violence or mistreating other people? 

No, I am even considered a calm thoughtful person as my associates say.

[ExpatInItaly]

51 minutes ago, Surtr said:

No, I am even considered a calm thoughtful person as my associates say.

So what would make you worry that you would abuse or cheat on or mistreat a partner?

It's an odd thing to worry about, if you're not predisposed to that sort of behaviour. Are you generally quite an anxious person? 

[Surtr]

13 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Are you generally quite an anxious person? 

Not generally, but in some cases I am.

[Surtr]

Appreciate all the answers, I guess I just shouldn't take movies as a model of a normal relationship.

Thank you for your comments.