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Is it love or lust?


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Empanada

My best guy friend, is a man that I never actually dated, but we did have a FWB situation almost 15 years ago.  We are now both in long term relationships, me being married and he is engaged.  Our FWB situation ended long before we started dating our SO's and we have been able to maintain and strictly platonic friendship since then.  Recently, I confided in him about a sexual issue that I am having in my marriage, looking for some male advice from someone I can trust.  Well, that led to a confession from him about a particular night that we had way back when, with him telling me that was the "best" he's ever had and though he has never cheated on his SO, he would not be able to pass up the opportunity with me if it were to ever present itself again.  I have never cheated on my husband, never even considered it and this threw me for a whirlwind.  Ever since then, I have been noticing little things that make me question if this is really just a sexual fantasy of his that he hasn't let go of, or if there is something hiding deep down inside that he just hasn't told me because we are both with other people. For example, I've been married for several years, and recently he sent me a screenshot of a message in his phone, and I noticed that he still has me in his phone by my maiden name.  I even said "dude, its been years, update my name" and laughed, and his response was that he just can't get used to "married name". This man and his SO even attended our wedding, and I came straight out and asked him if he felt any kind of way being there or if it bothered him at all and he said no, not at all...but I don't know if I believe him.  Another example, he is extremely protective of me, even when it isn't required.  I told him recently of someone online who came at me disrespectfully on a social media post, and he was enraged and was searching for the post to "tell the guy off". I told him it wasn't that serious, because it really wasn't.  He's admitted to me that when thinks about me he gets turned on, and has told me that he still has old photos (wink) of me from back then.... again, it's been 15 years. He's asked me if I ever think about "that night"... I have asked him, if you felt this way, all those years ago, why didn't you want to date back then and he basically said that he had been really hurt in his previous relationship (which I know is true because I was there when it happened) and he was afraid to make a commitment to someone again at that time.  So I guess I am trying to figure out if it's just the sex that he can't get over or if this is a "the one that got away" kind of situation.  I love my friend dearly, and my husband.  I have no intention of ever cheating on him or leaving him, but I'm also terrified of losing my friend.  He's been there for me through so much and always went out of his way for me, no matter when and where I needed him. If it appears to just be a sexual thing, I can put it to rest and let him know that it won't ever happen again and he needs to let that go... but if it is deeper than that, I'm afraid telling him that his feelings are unrequited are going to end our friendship forever.  What does this sound like to you?

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stillafool

Lust.  Which can be powerful and so can memories.  It was probably the best sexual experience he had ever had.  I don't believe that someone is in love with another person but won't commit because they were hurt by someone else.  That would be rare. When you are in love with someone you can't help but want to be with them if they are a good person and you sound like you are.  Being a good friend requires honesty and I think you need to tell this friend that you have no intentions of ever cheating on your husband because you are in love with him and committed.  Then let him decide if he wants to continue the friendship.  If he declines you're better off because why would you want to be around a man who is lusting for you when you are married?  That would be highly uncomfortable and not fair to your husband.  Think about if a woman was saying these things to your husband.  How would you want him to react?  Plus you both were different people 15 years ago and the sex probably wouldn't hold up to the fantasy at this point.

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mark clemson

Judging from the lack of punctuation and paragraph spacing this person's attention has got you in a bit of a "tizzy."

You're taking a lot of risk by indulging this guy's attention (past relationship notwithstanding). Not sure about telling him "it will never happen again" but my thought would be to keep him firmly at arm's length.

Sometimes a partner sees some texts out of context and the romantic jealousy takes over, warranted or not, and boom - you've got serious marital problems to deal with on top of everything else in life. We get posts describing exactly that here on occasion...

Edited by mark clemson
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basil67
8 hours ago, Empanada said:

What does this sound like to you?

UGH It sounds like this sleaze has been carrying a flame for you for years.  And he's told you about it because he thinks you might join him in an affair. Given his full disclosure of his sexual feelings to you, he's completely disrespected you and your marriage.  He's been masquerading as a friend while he wanks to old photos of you :sick:   He was never a friend.

Further, the fact that you're concerned about losing him as a "friend" is a disrespect of your own marriage and husband.  How would you feel if your husband stayed "besties" with a woman who'd just disclosed all of this  The only suitable response is to text him "given your disclosures, I've realised that you were not the friend you portrayed yourself to be.  You've disrespected me, my husband and our marriage and you will not be in my life from this moment forward"  Then block him.

Then start to rebuild your female friendships.   

 

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doingtherightthing

If it was love, he would have pursued you and made it official years ago when he had a chance. It’s ironic that he’s “fear” of commitment didn’t stop him from becoming engaged with someone else.  

I have no doubt that the past sexual experience was “one of a kind” to him, however, he can just be saying that to make you feel “desired” and “special” , so you can agree to an affair. I don’t believe a real friend would even say that. 
His intentions don’t seem to be pure or if he does have pure intentions, he’s definitely not going about it in an ethical way. 
I would state your boundaries and keep your distance. It seems that he’s trying to lure you in for his selfish reasons. 
 

Edited by doingtherightthing
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Gebidozo

I’m certain it’s more than just lust for him. Lust is easily satisfied with a variety of people and he wouldn’t have any need to pursue an unavailable person with such tenacity if it were mere lust.

I’m positive that he has feelings for you. I wouldn’t call it “love” yet, though. That mean is clearly too immature and self-centered to be able to feel true love. He’s just acting upon his feelings without having a sense of responsibility. I supposed one could say that he is infatuated with you.

In my opinion, your way of thinking is the bigger problem here. First of all, it’s rarely healthy to remain close friends with someone you used to have sex with. I certainly would be upset if I discovered that my fiancée was confiding so much (to the point of discussing our sex life) to an ex of hers. I’d be even more upset if I found out that said ex still wanted her and was urging her to have sex with him. I’d be tremendously  upset if, after all that, my fiancée would still consider keeping him as a “friend”!

Please, if you have any respect for your husband and hope to make your marriage work, cut off your contact with that man.

 

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BaileyB

Basil hit the nail on the head. There is not much more to say…

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ExpatInItaly
On 7/22/2024 at 5:08 PM, Empanada said:

What does this sound like to you?

It sounds like he is lusty and you love the attention and flattery. 

As a married woman, you know it was inapprorpaite of you to be dicussing a sex problem with another man and I don't buy the excuse that you just wanted a male opinion from someone you can trust. Come on. We see through that, and this guy does too. You were fishing for something there, and crossed a boundary. 

On 7/22/2024 at 5:08 PM, Empanada said:

He's admitted to me that when thinks about me he gets turned on, and has told me that he still has old photos (wink) of me from back then.... again, it's been 15 years

So, why are you having these kinds of conversations with him?  I am guessing these comments didn't come without any sort of preamble. 

On 7/22/2024 at 5:08 PM, Empanada said:

I have asked him, if you felt this way, all those years ago, why didn't you want to date back then

Another inappropriate question from you. 

Look, it is likely this man would go to bed with you again. But you are dancing in some dangerous territory here and have already disrespected your husband and marriage several times by entertaining these kinds of talks with this person. 

The better question is this: why do you care if it's lust or love? What are your feelings for this "friend"? It is obvious that you are feeling something too, but you need to explore why you are starting to play with fire. Are you bored in your marriage? Things not going well at home? What's going on in your life that you are enabling this sort of thing? 

Edited by ExpatInItaly
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