Platonic relationship? Is it realistic?

[y0ss]

Soz, I posted this in the wrong area of the sire, perhaps a mode can delete the original. Cheers,

 

Help. Can I realistically pursue a platonic relationship?

 

I’ll give you a little bit of the background information. I got involved with a fantastic woman who unfortunately also suffered from mental health difficulties. The context and circumstances of our relationship were bizarre – it was a long distance, over the internet / telephone relationship. We did meet up when possible. But in the long run, for A LOT of very complicated reasons she felt unable to pursue this relationship with me, some of these were valid, and others were the unfortunate consequence of her depression and anxiety (IMO). Following this she had a brief relationship with someone else, and although they split very quickly, he is still on the scene and remains a more ‘realistic possibility’ for her than me.

 

So as it stands we have both now accepted that we cannot have a relationship as things are. She had considered whether it was in my interests to cut all contact, given how damaging this process has been for me, and she did ask me to consider that. I just can’t realistically bring myself to say it when I still want her (although I accept I can't have her), but also crucially when I also want and value her as a close friend.

 

Therefore, the issue is whether or not I can actually remain friends with her, or whether this will ultimately be too damaging for me in the long run. Clearly there is no hope of a relationship at this point – I fully accept that, despite the pain. Yet I am not totally over her, and I am still a mess, but I am NOT pinning my hopes on being with her at some point in the future. I am very willing to try and be with other people. That in itself is a step forward. Nevertheless in the back of my mind is the thought that you never know at some point down the line (yet now I have to move on in some form).

 

I just don’t know if I can negotiate a friendship right now. Is it that I only want to remain friends to cling on to hope, or do I feel that we can still offer each other something as friends? I just find this hard to answer, and perhaps both are true to a degree, it just a case of what the cost will be for my well-being. To make things worse the difficulty is, because of my personality, and because of her vulnerability and fragility, I just can’t remove my tendency to be supportive and caring to her. That is perhaps the hardest issue for me, I feel totally compelled to help her, over and above everything else. Maybe I do have some unhealthy rescuer mentality – I do work in the caring profession myself. I just want to be there for her. She doesn’t necessarily need me to be, she is capable without me, and also I don’t totally need her to need me in this role, but I just can’t step away from it at the same time. Something goes wrong and I feel I have to be there for her. But given everything that’s happened is this a realistic basis for me to operate from? I feel my self-esteem has been unduly tied to this situation. But cutting her off seems like the hardest thing I could ever do.

 

At this point I feel I need to remain friends, but what I am keen to hear is whether or not people think that is possible, and how to go about it, and what resolutions I have to come to to make it possible. So that’s just some thoughts on my dilemma, and I really would appreciate any input. It is all helpful to me right now.