I asked *that* question, and now I feel lost.

[radicalsmadical]

Me (I am 34) and my partner (aged 30) have been together for around two years. We met on a dating site, slept together straight away and most of the first 6-8 months spent together was a in a severely drunken haze.

I did not really like what I saw in them initially. Couldn't say no to another drink. Always wanted to stop out until late. Quite flirtatious and touchy, feely with other people. Really overly affectionate early days when I hardly knew them. They also once asked for some violence during sex, which threw me abit (I am not talking a gentle slap either). It all seemed for attention, affirmation, validation. Anything to get me to stick around.

As time has gone on, they have definitely calmed down and mellowed. Less wanting to go get drunk. More attached (glued) to me and less standing at the bar flirting. BUT, I asked them a question (when drunk) I know I may shouldn't have : The dreaded 'so how many people have you slept with'.

She said she didn't want me to know, but she proceeded to tell me it was in the region of 150-200 people. Mine is around 30-45. I kind of thought we were in a similar ballpark but hell no.

I am seriously gut punched over it. Shocked. Knocked back. I am not only doubting whether our sexual principles even align but if I can safely say I want to be in a long, term, relatively healthy relationship with someone *that* was that promiscous.

That's the kicker though, that we are quite a healthy couple. We don't row (apart from when drunk and I have since kicked the drink) and generally get on quite well. Sex life is good, she's cums multiple times, she's always down and libido is high. But, I just can't get the image out of my head of her doing a BIG, big loop round the block, of having multiple threesomes, of being used, abused, thrown around and then coming right round to me, after all of this, after all of them escapades and saying 'yeah, no, yeah I think you are the one'.

I don't buy it. I think she loves what I bring her and me simply sticking around rather than loving me for me (hence why, early days, she barely asked me any questions and showed next to no interest in me as a person).

Why? Why me?

Edited July 22, 2024 by radicalsmadical

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, radicalsmadical said:

We don't row (apart from when drunk and I have since kicked the drink) and generally get on quite well. Sex life is good, she's cums multiple times, she's always down and libido is high.

You didn't have to write that she has a high libido as it's quite obvious.  Perhaps she likes you so much that she doesn't care about your past and that's why she doesn't ask. One thing is for sure having sex with 150-200 people she's certainly got it out of her system by now and will probably make a good partner/wife.  She is honest because I don't know many women who would admit to that number of sexual partners.

[Gebidozo]

There are two totally separate issues here:

1) What she did before she met you.

2) What she’s doing now when she’s with you.

Her past is her past and if you can’t accept her fully, including the past that you don’t like, it can mean only one thing: you don’t truly love her. 

Disbelieving her, mistrusting her, suspecting that she doesn’t love you or that she’ll cheat on you based solely on the fact that she has slept with 200 people and had 15 gangbangs with hordes of demonic alien midgets is entirely a sign of lack of love and trust on your part. 

If, however, her current flirtatious behavior and perceived lack of interest in your persona bother you and make you feel that you’re ethically and emotionally incompatible, that’s a whole different issue, and your suspicions might be justified.

Please understand that these two issues are unrelated to each other and try attain moral and emotional clarity regarding each of them, accordingly, before making any decision.

[basil67]

12 hours ago, radicalsmadical said:

I don't buy it. I think she loves what I bring her and me simply sticking around rather than loving me for me (hence why, early days, she barely asked me any questions and showed next to no interest in me as a person).

You've written paragraphs about her sexual history and then end with this.....something that is completely unrelated to her sexual history.  You could be with someone who's had just five partners who makes you feel like you're loved for your attention/money. 

What exactly is your concern?

 

[radicalsmadical]

1 hour ago, Gebidozo said:

There are two totally separate issues here:

1) What she did before she met you.

2) What she’s doing now when she’s with you.

Her past is her past and if you can’t accept her fully, including the past that you don’t like, it can mean only one thing: you don’t truly love her. 

Disbelieving her, mistrusting her, suspecting that she doesn’t love you or that she’ll cheat on you based solely on the fact that she has slept with 200 people and had 15 gangbangs with hordes of demonic alien midgets is entirely a sign of lack of love and trust on your part. 

If, however, her current flirtatious behavior and perceived lack of interest in your persona bother you and make you feel that you’re ethically and emotionally incompatible, that’s a whole different issue, and your suspicions might be justified.

Please understand that these two issues are unrelated to each other and try attain moral and emotional clarity regarding each of them, accordingly, before making any decision.

My fear I guess is that the first issue you pointed out could converge with the second, that is to say, who she was is still who she is, lurking underneath.

Someone that promiscous can just turn it off one day, like a switch, and settle? 

Edited July 23, 2024 by radicalsmadical

[MsJayne]

Are you happy when you’re around her? Do you feel your needs are being met? Do you feel respected by her? If the answers are all yes, just take her at face value and let her past antics go. If you say no to any of them, maybe rethink where you’re going with this relationship. 

[radicalsmadical]

36 minutes ago, basil67 said:

You've written paragraphs about her sexual history and then end with this.....something that is completely unrelated to her sexual history.  You could be with someone who's had just five partners who makes you feel like you're loved for your attention/money. 

What exactly is your concern?

 

I guess I was trying to say that because she has slept around a lot, that that may point to a need for validation, for someone to just stick around, and that is that why she is with me, and not because of who I am or my character , more what I bring her.

 

 

[radicalsmadical]

13 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

Are you happy when you’re around her? Do you feel your needs are being met? Do you feel respected by her? If the answers are all yes, just take her at face value and let her past antics go. If you say no to any of them, maybe rethink where you’re going with this relationship. 

At the start, and for a good solid 6 months, she was still a bit all over the place. Not somebody I could've foreseen myself wanting to be with 

Now, no, she makes me happy, I make her happy, she is good to be around, I trust her.

 

[Gebidozo]

41 minutes ago, radicalsmadical said:

My fear I guess is that the first issue you pointed out could converge with the second, that is to say, who she was is still who she is, lurking underneath.

I’m confused. You’re worried that she is using you for sex and isn’t truly in love with you, right? What does that have to do with the number of people she has slept with? She could have been a virgin and still not love you and use you for sex. Or she could have slept with 1000 people and then fall in love with you and be faithful to you forever. There is no correlation here.

 

44 minutes ago, radicalsmadical said:

Someone that promiscous can just turn it off one day, like a switch, and settle? 

Again, there is no correlation between number of sexual partners and the desire or ability to sustain a long-term monogamous relationship.

[Acacia98]

2 hours ago, radicalsmadical said:

At the start, and for a good solid 6 months, she was still a bit all over the place. Not somebody I could've foreseen myself wanting to be with 

I'm curious. Why on earth were you with her for those six months?

It strikes me as interesting that you stuck around when she had zero control over her drinking and was all over the place with her flirtatiousness. And now that she seems to have settled down, perhaps due to the love and security she's getting in your relationship, you're starting to question the wisdom of sticking around. Would you be more inclined to remain in the relationship comfortably, no questions asked, if she went back to her unsettled, flirtatious ways?

[Gebidozo]

3 hours ago, radicalsmadical said:

I guess I was trying to say that because she has slept around a lot, that that may point to a need for validation, for someone to just stick around, and that is that why she is with me, and not because of who I am or my character , more what I bring her.

 

 

This is a very strange way of thinking. What if she were a virgin? You could have said that she’s with you only because she’s desperate to finally lose her belated virginity to just about anyone.

People do things for a variety of reasons. Perhaps you should try to get to know and trust a person rather than arbitrarily assigning schematic motives and behavior patterns to her, which may or may not have any roots in reality. You really shouldn’t insist on seeing a correlation between the woman’s number of past sexual partners and her character.

[Gebidozo]

3 hours ago, radicalsmadical said:

At the start, and for a good solid 6 months, she was still a bit all over the place. Not somebody I could've foreseen myself wanting to be with 

Now, no, she makes me happy, I make her happy, she is good to be around, I trust her.

 

If so, cast away your suspicions. Her past has nothing to do with who she is now. People grow and change and can make a 180 degree turn if they truly want to. She’s 30, that’s a great age for women, a time when many of them decide that they have completed an experimental phase of their lives and are ready to move towards a more permanent romantic engagement.

From my experience, women with a wild sexual past tend to become great romantic partners when they mature. And they are also, as a rule, better in bed, which is highly important.

[radicalsmadical]

1 hour ago, Gebidozo said:

If so, cast away your suspicions. Her past has nothing to do with who she is now. People grow and change and can make a 180 degree turn if they truly want to. She’s 30, that’s a great age for women, a time when many of them decide that they have completed an experimental phase of their lives and are ready to move towards a more permanent romantic engagement.

From my experience, women with a wild sexual past tend to become great romantic partners when they mature. And they are also, as a rule, better in bed, which is highly important.

She is not better in bed than others I have slept with who have been alot less promiscous, I can say that with confidence.

Being promiscous does not equal being sexually experienced, particularly if the origin of their promiscuity is based in drinking heavily.

 

And your past shapes you now. People can of course change, but to say 'your past does not matter' is indulging in a pool of willful ignorance.

Your past can often shape your present.

Edited July 23, 2024 by radicalsmadical

[Gebidozo]

20 minutes ago, radicalsmadical said:

Being promiscous does not equal being sexually experienced, particularly if the origin of their promiscuity is based in drinking heavily.

Sure, if you’re certain that heavy drinking is, indeed, the origin of her promiscuity. I’ve known several women who have had many sexual partners, but none of them did it because they were drunk. There are many reasons for having many sexual partners, that was exactly my point.

 

25 minutes ago, radicalsmadical said:

And your past shapes you now. People can of course change, but to say 'your past does not matter' is indulging in a pool of willful ignorance.

No, the ignorance is in pretending that we know how exactly the past shapes other people.

You’re just assuming that your GF’s past has shaped her to be a person who’s using you for sex and is incapable of having deep feelings for you. You’re just schematically following the false causal chain “many sexual partners in the past = unreliable romantic partner in the present”. 

Her wild past could have, quite on the contrary, taught her important life lessons and made her a mature, experienced woman who knows exactly what she wants, a faithful partner and a kind person who doesn’t judge others and has compassion and understanding.

Your problem is not in denying the importance of her past, it’s in the arrogance of judging her present state of mind, values, emotional state, and moral character based on a non-existent correlation with having had many sexual partners.

[basil67]

10 hours ago, radicalsmadical said:

And your past shapes you now. People can of course change, but to say 'your past does not matter' is indulging in a pool of willful ignorance.

Your past can often shape your present.

I would argue that it's not the "past" which matters.  What matters is what we learn from the past and who we become.   Who we are today is what matters.  There is always room for a 'fresh start'.  

That said, you don't have to be with her if you don't want to.  But if you're going to stay, then accept her for who she is now.

[ExpatInItaly]

Is this really a healthy relationship? What do you define as "healthy" OP? 

Because the big concern I see here is not necessarily the number of people she has had sex with, but that much of your relationship sounds alcohol-soaked and mired in other issues. You two couldn''t even have an honest conversation about sexual history without liquid courage. 

I do see that you have curbed the drinking, which is good. It was obviously a problem. But now in the cold light of day, you are struggling. How long ago did you discover how many sexual partners she'd had? 

[radicalsmadical]

3 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Is this really a healthy relationship? What do you define as "healthy" OP? 

Because the big concern I see here is not necessarily the number of people she has had sex with, but that much of your relationship sounds alcohol-soaked and mired in other issues. You two couldn''t even have an honest conversation about sexual history without liquid courage. 

I do see that you have curbed the drinking, which is good. It was obviously a problem. But now in the cold light of day, you are struggling. How long ago did you discover how many sexual partners she'd had? 

Healthy would probably be being able to end a drunken night with giggles and fun, and not an argument, I wouldn't mind that (if I had to drink, which I feel I am alot more equipped to drop than she is).

Also the question I asked I have wondered for a while, and was playing with asking when I was sober anyway, it just happened to arise when drunk (I know, awful judgement on my part). I found out 2 weeks back. It gives me fear that she is the kind of who would move on real fast. She has deep self worth issues, is very insecure and her father has never wanted to know her. This context, I feel, is important to her.

To me, how many sexual partners you have had in the past can, but does not always, show a tainted view of sex, not to mentioned any trauma and coping mechanisms, and if my number is around the 30-40 mark (I am not whiter than white myself may I add) but hers is way, way up into the triple digits, then that may not only show a sexual incompatibility but also it is not something I am obliged to accept. To say yes to. To smile and grin and bear. I have alot of thinking to do about whether this is a deal breaker for me, and its best I do this thinking when not drunk huh.

8 hours ago, basil67 said:

I would argue that it's not the "past" which matters.  What matters is what we learn from the past and who we become.   Who we are today is what matters.  There is always room for a 'fresh start'.  

That said, you don't have to be with her if you don't want to.  But if you're going to stay, then accept her for who she is now.

I'd probably agree. The period of before we were exclusive and slightly after definitely made me think that she hadn't kicked that habit. It was STILL her. It was all good fun but it became none sustainable. Drinking three, four times a week is not a good long term plan at my age.

The calming of her happened around 8-10 months in maybe? And very gradually. She Says She has not desire to go back to being that person, and I do believe her, but her inability to absolutely knock drinking on the head and maybe some fears and insecurities on my end lead me to stitch a pattern from how she sounded before we even met, how she was early days AND what she might still be and might still go back to being.

I hope this makes sense

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, radicalsmadical said:

Healthy would probably be being able to end a drunken night with giggles and fun, and not an argument,

This is really your definition of a healthy relationship? 

[radicalsmadical]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This is really your definition of a healthy relationship? 

Well obviously not my broad definition no.

I meant in specific relation to me and my girlfriend and this being a drunken issue.

Edited July 24, 2024 by radicalsmadical

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, radicalsmadical said:

I meant in specific relation to me and my girlfriend and this being a drunken issue.

I am asking in relation to your partnership with your girlfriend. 

What else makes it a healthy relationship, beyond drunken giggles? 

[Mrin]

Oh dear. NOTHING and I mean nothing good ever comes from this question. 

Well, no use crying over split milk. Why don't you try reframing it? Here are some perspectives to try on:

1. In a way, her high body count makes her sort of a sex sommelier. So with that being said, you must be doing something right in the sex department as she knows the difference between good and bad sex. High five yourself!

2. I don't know if you spend much time hanging out on relationship message boards but we frequently see posts that go a little something like this, "I really love my partner. But... I have a list of things that I always wanted to try/do and now that I'm in a long-term monogamous relationship I don't think I'm ever going to get a chance to do them. That makes me sad." Sometimes it's just that and sometimes it's people engaging in destructive behavior like cheating in order to try those things on their list. It's basically a derivation on "sowing your wild oats".

Well, you don't have to worry about that - probably. She doesn't have many, if any, wild oats left to sow. She can freely embrace a big time relationship with you without looking back. 

3. Well you're not exactly chaste yourself. So it looks like you really enjoy sex. Heck ya! She might be able to show you a thing or two. High five!

 

Aside: If, at the heart of it, her high body count grosses you out or diminishes her value in your eyes, then you should just move along and end it. She already has self-esteem issues according to you. You don't need to add to them. 

 

Edited July 24, 2024 by Mrin

[radicalsmadical]

30 minutes ago, Mrin said:

Oh dear. NOTHING and I mean nothing good ever comes from this question. 

Well, no use crying over split milk. Why don't you try reframing it? Here are some perspectives to try on:

1. In a way, her high body count makes her sort of a sex sommelier. So with that being said, you must be doing something right in the sex department as she knows the difference between good and bad sex. High five yourself!

2. I don't know if you spend much time hanging out on relationship message boards but we frequently see posts that go a little something like this, "I really love my partner. But... I have a list of things that I always wanted to try/do and now that I'm in a long-term monogamous relationship I don't think I'm ever going to get a chance to do them. That makes me sad." Sometimes it's just that and sometimes it's people engaging in destructive behavior like cheating in order to try those things on their list. It's basically a derivation on "sowing your wild oats".

Well, you don't have to worry about that - probably. She doesn't have many, if any, wild oats left to sow. She can freely embrace a big time relationship with you without looking back. 

3. Well you're not exactly chaste yourself. So it looks like you really enjoy sex. Heck ya! She might be able to show you a thing or two. High five!

 

Aside: If, at the heart of it, her high body count grosses you out or diminishes her value in your eyes, then you should just move along and end it. She already has self-esteem issues according to you. You don't need to add to them. 

 

I admire your positive approach to this, but I can't help but see her differently because she has bounced on 200 or so men. 

It hurts to say that but I do

[basil67]

1 hour ago, radicalsmadical said:

I admire your positive approach to this, but I can't help but see her differently because she has bounced on 200 or so men. 

It hurts to say that but I do

So break up with her

[Mrin]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

So break up with her

Agreed. There is no saving this. 

[Gebidozo]

5 hours ago, Mrin said:

Well, you don't have to worry about that - probably. She doesn't have many, if any, wild oats left to sow. She can freely embrace a big time relationship with you without looking back. 

Some people seem to think that human beings are frozen in time, deprived of choice, devoid of free will, unable to change. They think that if a women has slept with many different partners she’s just going to continue doing that forever, like an automaton with an unalterable program, like an animal following its instinct. This philosophy is as insulting as it is false.