I'm not sure if I'm still in a relationship

[milarkat]

I'm in my mid 20s and he's in his early 30s. This is my first long distance relationship, it's pretty new so we haven't figured everything out about each other yet and I'm a mess. We've never met but had plans to do so eventually. I wasn't looking for anything when we started talking, but we ended up liking each other and he admitted his feelings first a few weeks later. He's been distant for about two weeks now, going on three and it's made me extremely anxious. I'll start with I'm aware of his family situation and that's the only logical reason I could think of. I don't want to share too many details about that because that's personal but he's dealt with several family members getting sick and passing in the past year. He did mention he'd prefer to grieve alone when the time comes.

I'll admit I kept texting him initially because I hadn't heard from him in days and he admitted he was ignoring me, that he wasn't well, didn't feel like talking, I didn't deserve that and thanked me for reaching out. I even asked did he want to end things with me but he didn't mention it so I thought we were good and that eased my mind a bit. He's gone back to not answering my texts and hasn't been as active on social media, which is not normal for him.

I did go online a few days ago though and saw he was replying to people on his nsfw account, nothing inappropriate but that really upset me. Not only that, it looks like he's been paying for access to private twitter accounts of content from OF girls. Yes, I freaked out. But I can't get a text letting me know you're okay? I'm trying to be understanding, if he's grieving but the twitter thing isn't fair to me at all and he won't tell me exactly what's going on when I ask. I've told him that I really care about him and take the time that he needs. But lately I've been having thoughts that maybe he isn't into me anymore and could've been lying the entire time. I don't want to believe that but I don't want to be dumb and wait around if he's done with me.

My number isn't blocked as far as I know, we're still friends and mutuals on everything, but my calls and texts are still being ignored. I've asked my friends about what they think. My girl friends are obviously not happy with the way he's handling things and says he's disrespecting me, which he is. My guy friends aren't cool with the way he's been treating me either, but think he's going through something mentally and doesn't want to be bothered, which I also believe. I realize it takes more energy to text back and forth verses a reply to a tweet, but I would've felt better if he told me what was bothering him and that he needed time alone. Either way all of my friends want things to work out between us and so do I because he seemed to really be into me. Only things I've ever asked for are honesty and communication.

Anyway, the entire situation has stressed me out so badly, I've reached out to a therapist, hoping to hear back from them soon. I'm not sure if I've been dumped and ghosted or not and I'm not handling it well. I've decided not to reach out anymore and have taken a pause on social media to avoid upsetting myself any further.

[Gebidozo]

Let me get this straight. You’re stressed out and have consulted a therapist because some guy you haven’t even met (!) is ignoring you on social media?

You need to become strong and independent. You aren’t still in a relationship, because you never were in a relationship with this man. He isn’t interested in you. Please try to stop figuring out the reason why, it doesn’t matter. Nothing some barely known guy on the internet does to you should bother you so much. 

Take your time off, reflect, grow spiritually, and then find a flesh and blood guy you’ll actually meet and be together with.

[basil67]

I want to give you a big mum hug xxx

The reason you're feeling so bad and out of control is because you've given away all your power.  If you're in a relationship with someone and they don't treat you like you deserve, then YOU call the shots for yourself.  If the issue can't be resolved to your satisfaction, you end it.    Look at the facts: This guy is talking to everyone but you!  This is not about him shutting himself away, this is about him being a selfish arse!    And for what it's worth, even if he wasn't talking to others, there is no acceptable reason for a boyfriend/girlfriend to go silent on you.   I mean, imagine being married to a person who goes silent for weeks on end when they are troubled.  I've seen it in real life and it's so selfish....and horrible for their partner.

There is something really solid here that you can't see: the fact that he's not speaking to you means that you don't have to speak to him.  And this means you can end it without 'the talk'.   You don't have to deal with false promises for the future and silly excuses.

Please take the following steps: Open your device and look at your unanswered messages.  Raise your middle finger at the messages.  Say "go F yourself" at the communication and then block him.  And if he finds a way to get around the block, ignore the message and shut down that communication path too.   

Edited July 22 by basil67

[milarkat]

33 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Let me get this straight. You’re stressed out and have consulted a therapist because some guy you haven’t even met (!) is ignoring you on social media?

You need to become strong and independent. You aren’t still in a relationship, because you never were in a relationship with this man. He isn’t interested in you. Please try to stop figuring out the reason why, it doesn’t matter. Nothing some barely known guy on the internet does to you should bother you so much. 

Take your time off, reflect, grow spiritually, and then find a flesh and blood guy you’ll actually meet and be together with.

I'm conflicted because I thought we were. We used to text just about everyday. We facetimed for the first time weeks ago. The only reason we haven't met is because he moved back home because of loved one's passing and that was months before we began talking. Other than that he actually lived hours away. We were making plans because of work schedules and live twice as far apart now. The therapist isn't just about the relationship but it gave me the push. All advice is appreciated though, thank you.

Edited July 22 by milarkat

[basil67]

16 minutes ago, milarkat said:

We facetimed for the first time weeks ago.

Sweetie, this is just a fledgling relationship.  Something which thankfully showed it's true colours very quickly.

[milarkat]

23 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Sweetie, this is just a fledgling relationship.  Something which thankfully showed it's true colours very quickly.

Thank you both. Not what I wanted to hear, but probably needed to.

[basil67]

2 hours ago, milarkat said:

Thank you both. Not what I wanted to hear, but probably needed to.

Try to think of dating as if it's a probation period for a new job:   You interview someone for the job.  You like them and they like you, so you put them on a 3 month trial.  Of course there will be training and learning what is needed, but if they goof off..or don't turn up to work...or are uncommitted during the trial, they get cut loose.    This is in direct contrast to when a dedicated employee (or relationship partner) of many years starts to struggle - that's when we step up and do all we can to help resolve the issue together.  And there's a sliding scale of how much effort you put in which directly related to just how long you've been together and how good things have been while in the relationship

Sounds like this guy didn't get past his three week probation.

[Gebidozo]

4 hours ago, milarkat said:

I'm conflicted because I thought we were. We used to text just about everyday. We facetimed for the first time weeks ago.

But how does that indicate that you were in a relationship? People can meet, talk, share secrets, spend a lot of time together, have sex with each other, and still not be in a relationship with each other.

In any case, people who have never met each other can’t be in a romantic relationship. You can’t love someone you’ve never met face to face. You can’t commit to someone you only know from the internet. 

[milarkat]

2 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

But how does that indicate that you were in a relationship? People can meet, talk, share secrets, spend a lot of time together, have sex with each other, and still not be in a relationship with each other.

In any case, people who have never met each other can’t be in a romantic relationship. You can’t love someone you’ve never met face to face. You can’t commit to someone you only know from the internet. 

He literally said we were lol. He was claiming me. But thank you!!! You were absolutely right. He's probably been talking to other people the entire time. I found out tonight he's been privately sharing photos so I wouldn't see. I was being dramatic and I'm happy you made me see that.

[Gebidozo]

2 hours ago, basil67 said:

Try to think of dating as if it's a probation period for a new job:   You interview someone for the job.  You like them and they like you, so you put them on a 3 month trial.  Of course there will be training and learning what is needed, but if they goof off..or don't turn up to work...or are uncommitted during the trial, they get cut loose.    This is in direct contrast to when a dedicated employee (or relationship partner) of many years starts to struggle - that's when we step up and do all we can to help resolve the issue together.  And there's a sliding scale of how much effort you put in which directly related to just how long you've been together and how good things have been while in the relationship

Sounds like this guy didn't get past his three week probation.

Exactly.

OP, I might add that the “3 month trial” period must include a face to face meeting.

In most cases, it also includes sex. Otherwise you might think that the person has passed all the trials, only to discover that he has actually failed at one of the most important ones.

Anyway, in the OP’s case, the guy clearly failed early probation, indeed. Or, rather, he decided he didn’t want the job. Oh well.

Edited July 23 by Gebidozo

[Gebidozo]

Just now, milarkat said:

He literally said we were lol. He was claiming me.

Beware of men who say that a woman they’ve never met face to face is in a romantic relationship with them. 

Also, you aren’t a shiny prize one can “claim”, you’re a person.

 

4 minutes ago, milarkat said:

I was being dramatic and I'm happy you made me see that.

It’s great that you’re able to see that. It means you’re learning, growing, getting stronger and wiser.

[ExpatInItaly]

This is why you never commit to a cyber relationship with a person you have never met in real life. 

It's not a real relationship, girl. I know you are interested and like him, but the problem is that you don't actually know this person on any signficant level. It's all essentially a fantasy until you meet and spend time together in person.

 

 

[ShyViolet]

Your first mistake was thinking you are in a relationship with some guy who you have never met in person.  This was never a real relationship.  If you can't spend time together in person, frequently and regularly, then it's not a relationship.  You are pen pals.  This is not how dating works.