Men, if you have a crush on another woman, and your wife notices, what do you say?

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, mark clemson said:

Hmm. The "theory" I was referring to is the idea that you will still be just as enamored of your fiancee in 15 years as you are now. So, in fact, your second item above coming true would mean your theory was wrong.

Oh no, that’s not my theory. My theory is that if I’m still enamored and everything goes well in the relationship then I won’t have crushes, and if I’m not enamored or something else isn’t going well, then I’ll have crushes and they will be the symptoms of those problems.

 

1 hour ago, mark clemson said:

You say "women" - the type of involuntary crush I'm talking about does not involve "women" - it involves a single individual woman who you become overwhelmingly interested in/mentally fixated on. It sounds like perhaps you've never experienced this. Again, for those of us who experience this, it can happen involuntarily and doesn't necessarily mean you have problems with your marriage.

Oh, I have experienced that. Last time was by far the strongest, a crush on my now-fiancée when I was still with my ex. I used to think like you, that crushes don’t necessarily mean that something is wrong with the relationship. It took me 2 years to understand that the contrary was true. Many things were wrong with my relationship, I just refused to see that. So I can confirm with great accuracy that crushes are an indicator of relationship problems.

 

1 hour ago, mark clemson said:

You seem to have quite strong views about "love" in very LTRs and about limerence, but I think you could perhaps recognize that in truth you don't actually have experience in these areas.

Well, I do know myself. I know with certainty what crushes / limerence are in my experience: symptoms of serious relationship problems. Obviously I can’t presume to speak for all men. If you think you can love your wife and have an amazing relationship with her and still have occasional crushes on someone else, that’s your experience and your definition, but not mine.

Edited August 9, 2024 by Gebidozo

[mark clemson]

Apologies if I'm belaboring this - the "theory" I was referring to that could only be proven in time was this:

On 8/8/2024 at 10:04 AM, Gebidozo said:

On the contrary. I think that true love and real happiness can be found only in a small percentage of LT marriages. And in such marriages, crushes on other people are, of course, unthinkable.

And the idea that your marriage would be like this. Generally I think such marriages are not a theory there are some like that, but they are quite rare.

 

Not this.

12 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Oh no, that’s not my theory. My theory is that if I’m still enamored and everything goes well in the relationship then I won’t have crushes, and if I’m not enamored or something else isn’t going well, then I’ll have crushes and they will be the symptoms of those problems.

I guess the (2nd item) above is a theory as well, though in the sense that staying "enamored" LT may not prove to be realistic no matter how "good" the marriage. At least for most people.

However, not being "enamored" doesn't mean you need to either divorce or cheat either. There is such a thing as remaining loyal to partner in an "ok" marriage, of course.

 

WRT to crushes I very much think we're not talking about the same kind of crush. That's ok, IF you ever have this kind of crush, you'll know as it is quite different from a normal and "fully psychologically healthy" love and more like an addiction/obsession where you literally cannot stop thinking about the person even if you try.

[kate678]

We've been married 25  years, we met at college. Neither of us are on any social media (too old, we think). All of his friends are men his own age, with a couple of younger guys thrown in. Most of our socialising is together, in local bars or pubs. The point I'm making here is this: he's very loyal, there's never any mystery about his whereabouts/who he chats to. I'm also very loyal; we both value the relationship we've built. 

But there's one thing that, I suppose, is tugging at my self esteem a little. There's this younger woman at his work, must only be late 20s. He co-owns his own small company, which now has several offices in our city. My husband works remotely and is only in the offices once every few months, but pops in if there's something important or an issue. 

 This woman, I'll call her Lara, is doing a sort-of internship for a year; she'll leave at the end of next year, probably to join a bigger company. She's good at her job.My husband has said how impressive she is because she went to X college and can also do XYZ...

I wonder if my husband has a crush on Lara; he seems to have spent a lot more time talking to her than any of the other young employees. He's texted her a few times (I see his phone) after these visits, wishing her luck with something (her 'long term' job applications), or recommending that she visit somewhere. So, it is all harmless, but he hasn't done this to other employees. I only realised how much he's chatted to her on his office visits on the few times I've also bumped into Lara, outside the office, and she'll mention something, and I'll think: when has my husband been telling her about all of this stuff? 

The most annoying thing - the thing that made me think he's attracted to her - is how I've seen him looking at her on the few occasions she's bumped into the two of us. One time, he was just staring at her, just her face luckily, and smiling. I did put my arm around him, but he still just stared at Lara, who just carried on answering my husband's questions. She saw us again a few weeks later, in a public place; my husband noticed her and said hello to her. I put my arm around him again; this time, instead of staring at Lara, he did look back down at his phone. He kept looking at her to speak, then back at his phone, then back at her again....I think he maybe knew I was watching him this time....

Lara looks nothing like me; the only similarity is that we're both thin, although she has a different body shape entirely. I have a narrow, thin face and small-ish hazel eyes, short hair ; Lara has long hair and large, round eyes, a tiny bit like Emanuelle Beart, but with small lips....If you see what I mean...

My husband has never commented on this girl's appearance, and if I ask him he'll probably say, 'oh, no, she's not all that pretty, she's just a nice girl', or something to that effect. Or that she's young and looks like a college kid? 

What do you think?

 

[FMW]

I think men and women both can appreciate interaction with/attention from a younger person of the opposite sex without having any thoughts of inappropriate behavior.   Maybe your husband enjoys her energy and ambition and is reminded of what it was like to have that excitement of what 's to come in our lives.  Maybe she shows more respect and appreciation for him and what he's accomplished with his company than others, and he's naturally going to show more attention to an employee/intern that has that attitude.  He may have had more interaction with her because she's more outgoing and proactive in reaching out to your husband while she's learning the business.   More interactions result in a higher likelihood the conversations might sometimes be more personal in nature and include hobbies and family topics. 

Maybe he thinks she's attractive, or maybe he hasn't really noticed.  But either way, it doesn't sound like he's doing anything to indicate an inappropriate interest.  It doesn't hurt to keep your eyes open, but from what you've described, I'm not getting any vibes that something is amiss.

 

 

[kate678]

26 minutes ago, FMW said:

Maybe he thinks she's attractive, or maybe he hasn't really noticed.  But either way, it doesn't sound like he's doing anything to indicate an inappropriate interest.  It doesn't hurt to keep your eyes open, but from what you've described, I'm not getting any vibes that something is amiss.

 

 

Yes, there's no way he's thinking of doing anything inappropriate. It's just the mere fact that he might find her attractive, I'm just curious about it, I guess that's natural? I thought that because he smiles at her like an idiot and stares at her face. Maybe he didn't realise he was doing it. I perhaps should have pulled him up on it

[Leihla_B]

6 hours ago, kate678 said:

I'm just curious about it, I guess that's natural? I thought that because he smiles at her like an idiot and stares at her face. Maybe he didn't realise he was doing it. I perhaps should have pulled him up on it

You can address this without humiliating him if you offer a sense of humor about it. I think most of us tend to find beautiful people fascinating to look at, even without any big attraction beyond that. But if husband is gawking slack jawed or something, then yes, raise that he may want to check that to avoid causing the girl discomfort.

[kate678]

There's this younger woman at my husband's work, late 20s. He co-owns his own small company, but works remotely and is only in the offices once every few months, but pops in if there's something important.

This woman, I'll call her Lara, is doing an internship for a year; she'll leave at the end of 2025. My husband has said how impressive she is because of xyz....even though all of our employees have had comparable CVs.

I wonder if husband has a crush on Lara; he seems to have spent a lot more time talking to her than any of the other young employees, talking sh@t and joking. He's texted her a few times (I see his phone) after these visits, wishing her luck with something, or recommending that she visit somewhere. So, it is all harmless, but he hasn't done this to other employees. I only realised how much he's chatted to her on his office visits on the few times I've also bumped into Lara, outside the office, and she'll mention something, and I'll think: when has my husband been telling her about all of this? He's also apparently commented on her (tight) dress every time he's been in, stupid stuff like: 'oh don't spill the coffee on that..... that's tiny, how did you fit into it?'

The most annoying thing is how I've seen him looking at her when she's bumped into us both. One time, he was just intensely staring at her, just her face luckily, and smiling. I did put my arm around him, kept stroking his arm, but he still just stared at Lara and acted super interested in her inane chat!!

She saw us again a few weeks later, in a public place; my husband noticed her and said hello to her. I put my arm around him again; this time, instead of staring at Lara, he kept looking at her to speak, then down at his phone, then back at her again.... like a robot....I think he maybe knew I was watching him that time!

Lara looks nothing like me; the only similarity is that we're both thin, although she has a different body shape entirely. I have a narrow, thin face and small-ish hazel eyes, short hair. Lara has long hair and large, round eyes, and skinny-curvy body.

Anyway, I didn't want to ask my husband whether he has a crush or not (would he admit it anyway?), but I have told DH that he needs to be careful how he speaks to/interacts with Lara because young women nowadays can make false accusations about middle-aged, or any, men. I told him not to be too chatty or overfamiliar, and that he should be brief and business-like with her. So, he has mostly done so. I also said that she looks like a kid (she's late 20s/30, but we're 50). A week ago, when he was on an office visit, I went with him, and I told him not to be ages and don't get into a conversation with Lara.

I think Lara has noticed my husband's change in behaviour- she's changed the way she writes messages/emails to him, and seems to avoid him when he comes into the office. She used to chat and share news with him; now she just sends an email like, 'xyz was an issue today.....Best wishes'. When he avoided her in the office last week, making excuses not to chat as I asked him to, she must have noticed as she hasn't sent her usual 'updates for this week' email (they aren't essential for my husband anyway; it can just be dealt with by others in the office).

Part of me is glad but I also wonder if I'm unreasonable in making the woman feel awkward? 

[ExpatInItaly]

Before I comment further, I have a question. 

What led you to monitor his correspondence like this? Have there been other issues with trust in the past? It seems you have been keeping a close eye on him and his messages, so I am curious where this all really started. 

[stillafool]

Lara definitely is thinking that you are the reason your husband is acting different towards her.  It's so obvious.  Glad you feel better.

[basil67]

On 12/13/2024 at 11:11 AM, kate678 said:

I have told DH that he needs to be careful how he speaks to/interacts with Lara because young women nowadays can make false accusations about  report lecherous or inappropriate behaviour from middle-aged or any, men.   Men can also report inappropriate behaviour by women.

Fixed that for you.   If this young woman reports him, it's probably because he deserves it

 

 

[Mrin]

On 12/12/2024 at 5:11 PM, kate678 said:

Part of me is glad but I also wonder if I'm unreasonable in making the woman feel awkward?

Glad you feel better and ya, you're being unreasonable. What's with monitoring him so closely? Are you CCed on the email? Does he have a history of infidelity? Does he know you snoop on him like this? Is he okay with it?

[kate678]

On 12/13/2024 at 8:57 AM, ExpatInItaly said:

Before I comment further, I have a question. 

What led you to monitor his correspondence like this? Have there been other issues with trust in the past? It seems you have been keeping a close eye on him and his messages, so I am curious where this all really started. 

No, there's never been any indication of sneaking around or cheating from him. I just noticed his behaviour around this girl, in front of me (staring at her, acting  overly interested in her mundane chat), assumed that he must also be like that with her whenever he visits the office, and checked his phone. I didn't think he'd have sent her anything untoward, or that she would to him, but I just wanted to see what kind of chat they had on Whataspp and email.

[ExpatInItaly]

And your husband has commented on her clothes and tight dress right in front of you? 

[kate678]

11 hours ago, Mrin said:

Glad you feel better and ya, you're being unreasonable. What's with monitoring him so closely? Are you CCed on the email? Does he have a history of infidelity? Does he know you snoop on him like this? Is he okay with it?

I'm just curious. I just wanted to know what kind of chat he was having with this girl, since I'd seen him openly gazing at her in front of me and ignoring my signal (putting my arm around him continuously) to stop it. I haven't told my husband I checked his Whatsapp, obviously. It's not because I didn't trust him, I was just being nosy. He doesn't know that I looked through them, but I do look over his shoulder when he's typing sometimes anyway. 

I still told him to watch his behaviour around her, and he just said, 'ok'. I don't know what he really thinks/feels about it, whether he misses being able to chat and laugh with her, or whether he isn't really giving it that much thought. 

[kate678]

1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said:

And your husband has commented on her clothes and tight dress right in front of you? 

Not in front of me, but I heard that he did,  from another one of our employees, in passing conversation. We got onto it somehow. 

What my husband actually says, apparently, are things like, 'don't spill any coffee/sauce on that'. Once the girl had a new dress delivered to the office (we let employees do this). She'd opened it up, and my husband apparently saw it and said, 'oh that's tiny - you're the only woman who could fit into that'. 

[ExpatInItaly]

12 minutes ago, kate678 said:

Not in front of me, but I heard that he did,  from another one of our employees, in passing conversation. We got onto it somehow. 

I am getting the very strong sense that you just don't trust your husband. It seems a bit odd to me that these comments would come up in passing with another employee if you weren't asking about the two of them. They're very specific things to mention in casual conversation with the boss's wife. 

Anyway, I think he finds her attractive, yes.  

17 minutes ago, kate678 said:

I haven't told my husband I checked his Whatsapp, obviously. It's not because I didn't trust him,

Sure, it is. If you trusted him, you probably wouldn't have much interest in being nosy in his private conversations or emails.

You started this thread 1.5 months ago, so it seems this is an ongoing issue.  How is your marriage in general? How much time do you spend together doing fun things, connecting emotionally, being intimate? 

[Mrin]

OP: I find some of your comments to be really unsettling. I would understand it if you had trust issues with him. But this... This just seems over the top. 

To get back your original question - ya, he probably thinks she's is attractive. Might even have a mini crush on her. That in an of itself isnt a big deal. We are all human and just because we get married or enter a committed relationship doesn't mean that we stop being sexual beings and only have eyes for our partners. Any notion differently isn't based in reality. What matters is how we react and behave. And, from the sounds of it, your husband has behaved appropriately. That's what really matters. 

[basil67]

11 hours ago, kate678 said:

ignoring my signal (putting my arm around him continuously) to stop it.

He's not ignoring it - it's the wrong signal for what you're trying to do.  Your actions are actually displaying ownership of him as a warning to the woman you're threatened by.  Your husband would be oblivious as to what you're trying to convey

As it so happens, one of my parrots does a similar thing to the other parrot.  When people ask me what he's doing, I literally describe it as similar to the possessive behaviour of insecure partner where they want to show they world "This is my sweetheart. Stay away"

If you want him to refocus on you, start a conversation

 

Edited December 15, 2024 by basil67

[basil67]

Also, you've mentioned twice that she doesn't look like you.  What is the relevance of this observation?   

[kate678]

On 12/15/2024 at 12:19 PM, ExpatInItaly said:

I am getting the very strong sense that you just don't trust your husband. It seems a bit odd to me that these comments would come up in passing with another employee if you weren't asking about the two of them. They're very specific things to mention in casual conversation with the boss's wife. 

Anyway, I think he finds her attractive, yes.  

Sure, it is. If you trusted him, you probably wouldn't have much interest in being nosy in his private conversations or emails.

You started this thread 1.5 months ago, so it seems this is an ongoing issue.  How is your marriage in general? How much time do you spend together doing fun things, connecting emotionally, being intimate? 

I actually do trust him in terms of the things that matter, ie being faithful. I just didn't like the idea of him eyeing up and flirting with this younger woman, for his ego and for attention, behind my back. I don't for one second think he'd jeapourdize our marriage for a quickie with another woman. 

Our marriage is how I'd imagine most people's marriages to be at 50. We're not all over each other, but we usually get along and we spend a lot of time together cycling, walking our dogs, and socialise together in local bars at weekend.

[kate678]

19 hours ago, basil67 said:

Also, you've mentioned twice that she doesn't look like you.  What is the relevance of this observation?   

I hoped he wouldn't like someone like her. 

To be honest, this girl does have a lot of features that are conventionally attractive - big eyes, long hair, skinny- curvy shape. I look less stereotypical, super girly pretty. I have cropped, reddish brown hair and a straight ish, athletic body with shoulders. The thing I do have that she doesn’t is larger breasts, not massive but decent given that I’m quite slim even at 50.

I'm sure lots of men would fall for Lara, but I didn’t think my husband would. I didn't think he'd like that look.

[basil67]

30 minutes ago, kate678 said:

I hoped he wouldn't like someone like her. 

To be honest, this girl does have a lot of features that are conventionally attractive - big eyes, long hair, skinny- curvy shape. I look less stereotypical, super girly pretty. I have cropped, reddish brown hair and a straight ish, athletic body with shoulders. The thing I do have that she doesn’t is larger breasts, not massive but decent given that I’m quite slim even at 50.

I'm sure lots of men would fall for Lara, but I didn’t think my husband would. I didn't think he'd like that look.

Would it be fair to say that your assumption is based on you being a clone of every women he's ever dated?

[kate678]

3 hours ago, basil67 said:

Would it be fair to say that your assumption is based on you being a clone of every women he's ever dated?

He's hardly dated anyone else! He might have had a girlfriend in high school, and then we met when were 19 and we've been together ever since. He's a bit socially awkward and eccentric, he didn't know how to chat to women really...

[Gebidozo]

27 minutes ago, kate678 said:

He's hardly dated anyone else! He might have had a girlfriend in high school, and then we met when were 19 and we've been together ever since. He's a bit socially awkward and eccentric, he didn't know how to chat to women really...

He has almost no experience, married incredibly young, and has been loving and faithful to you all this time? Give the guy a medal already, and loosen up. So he likes looking at a pretty girl, maybe flirts with her a little bit. So what? If you trust him that he won’t cheat, why make a problem out of it?

Try not to display signs of possessive behavior, such as grabbing his arm in a “it’s mine! my precious! Gollum!!” gesture. On the contrary, be light and playful about that.

[basil67]

1 hour ago, kate678 said:

He's hardly dated anyone else! He might have had a girlfriend in high school, and then we met when were 19 and we've been together ever since. He's a bit socially awkward and eccentric, he didn't know how to chat to women really...

So why would you think that your 'type' is the only type he'd appreciate?   I love my husband dearly, but there are many different looks of men who I appreciate from a distance