How to reply to happy bday wish by toxic ex friend

[McA89]

Hello everyone. I'm feeling conflicted about something and I'd appreciate your insight. 

My friendship with someone I've met about 2 years ago has recently come to an end, mostly because this person was very toxic and even emotionally abusive towards me. 

It was bad to the point that I was so lost within the web of the trauma bond that one of the last messages I sent her was to appease her and let her know I'd never seen any malice in her actions and that she shouldn't feel guilty. The very last messages we exchanged before both going completely silent on each other was the two of us agreeing to give the friendship another chance. The thing is that this was 3 months ago and I am no longer in that compassionate headspace where I think there was no malice at all because breaking free has made me realize just how awful she was to me. I am very angry and upset at how I've been treated and disrespected. 

Yesterday was my birthday and she texted me, wishing me a happy day. I still haven't read the message because I know I'm dealing with a very toxic person. What should I do? Leave her on read, not even open her message, or simply react to it with a thumbs up? 

If this were any other person, I'd easily reply back with a "thank you", but I don't want her to think that means she still has power over me because I reacted to her message. However, at the same time, and given how much of a doormat I was in our last interactions, I'm sure ignoring her or leaving her on read will make her very confused and perhaps even validate her belief that there's something wrong with me (and also because straight ignoring someone makes me feel guilty, no matter how badly treated I was by this person)

I just want whatever way I deal with it to be perceived as me not really giving a damn anymore so that she doesn't bother me again. Any thoughts? 

[basil67]

Happy birthday for yesterday!

I have so many questions about your post:  Does she know that you don't want to be her friend anymore?  As the friendship has ended, why didn't you block her already?  Why do you care what she thinks of you?

[S2B]

You don’t react at all! 

[McA89]

7 hours ago, basil67 said:

Happy birthday for yesterday!

I have so many questions about your post:  Does she know that you don't want to be her friend anymore?  As the friendship has ended, why didn't you block her already?  Why do you care what she thinks of you?

Thank you! 

She knows things are awkward because before having that final talk where we agreed to try again, we had a sort of goodbye conversation where I, unfortunately (and still wanting to please her), told her I'd always be there for her even if I had to distance myself. I screwed up because I didn't want to end things on a conflict and went against what I was feeling out of fear of losing her for real. 

I guess that's also why I never blocked her and because we still have mutual friends who don't know about our falling out. And if I'm being honest with myself, I still haven't gotten over it, I'm still in my healing journey and the cognitive dissonance is real. I can't help but wonder what she'll think and how my actions will impact her.

I just don't want her to feel like she still has me wrapped around her finger. 

[MsJayne]

Belated Happy Birthday 🎂. Can I ask for a description of what you call "having power over you"?  And also, what's this about her thinking there's something wrong with you? The way your story reads sounds like you're intimidated by this person. I'd leave her unread for a minute while you decide whether you want this person in your life. You should never feel guilty about ditching someone who makes you feel bad.

[McA89]

58 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

Belated Happy Birthday 🎂. Can I ask for a description of what you call "having power over you"?  And also, what's this about her thinking there's something wrong with you? The way your story reads sounds like you're intimidated by this person. I'd leave her unread for a minute while you decide whether you want this person in your life. You should never feel guilty about ditching someone who makes you feel bad.

Thank you!

I'm going to give more context to explain the control thing. This is a friend I'd known for 2 years and we texted every day and talked about everything. She was sweet and caring in the beginning and I felt safe with her. What I didn't know was that every single personal thing I was sharing with her would then be part of subtle jabs made against me: 

I shared with her that I was insecure about my lack of musical knowledge, or how I felt my style didn't reflect my personality, or how I was insecure about friendships because it always felt like I cared more about people than they cared about me and some time after I'd share these things (not all at once), she'd gush about connecting with others through music, she'd tell me how much she loves it when someone's style matches their personality, culminating with her bluntly telling me one day that she didn't consider me a close friend because she had never once missed me.

And those are just some examples. There have been other things, such as her telling me there's a problem with me because I have social anxiety and blaming my "bad vibes" for not being able to be herself around me and for ignoring me and being mean to me when we were with other friends. The thing that made me lose it was when she said she'd only got close to me because I was a "challenge". 

She really made me feel like there was something wrong with me and like I had to change who I was for her to accept me. That's how she controlled me. I don't want her back in my life and I want to finally make her see that I'm done with taking the blame and being a nice girl.

[MsJayne]

6 hours ago, McA89 said:

Thank you!

I'm going to give more context to explain the control thing. This is a friend I'd known for 2 years and we texted every day and talked about everything. She was sweet and caring in the beginning and I felt safe with her. What I didn't know was that every single personal thing I was sharing with her would then be part of subtle jabs made against me: 

I shared with her that I was insecure about my lack of musical knowledge, or how I felt my style didn't reflect my personality, or how I was insecure about friendships because it always felt like I cared more about people than they cared about me and some time after I'd share these things (not all at once), she'd gush about connecting with others through music, she'd tell me how much she loves it when someone's style matches their personality, culminating with her bluntly telling me one day that she didn't consider me a close friend because she had never once missed me.

And those are just some examples. There have been other things, such as her telling me there's a problem with me because I have social anxiety and blaming my "bad vibes" for not being able to be herself around me and for ignoring me and being mean to me when we were with other friends. The thing that made me lose it was when she said she'd only got close to me because I was a "challenge". 

She really made me feel like there was something wrong with me and like I had to change who I was for her to accept me. That's how she controlled me. I don't want her back in my life and I want to finally make her see that I'm done with taking the blame and being a nice girl.

 

Yes, she sounds like someone you should get rid of. I wouldn’t even read her birthday message. Just a straightforward block and delete should give her the hint. You go hanging around with people like her and you’re bound to end up with social anxiety. Unfortunately a******s don’t come with warning labels. 

[ShyViolet]

You are letting her still have power over you, with all this worrying and hand-wringing over a simple happy birthday text and over what she will think of your actions.  Now that you have decided that you no longer want to be friends with her anymore, it doesn't matter what she will think.  You have some very serious people-pleaser tendencies that you need to work on.  When someone has treated you badly, you cut them out of your life.  You block them and you should not care what they will think about your actions.  What she will think of your actions is irrelevant and you shouldn't let it hold all this power over you.  I really think you would benefit from going to therapy for your people pleaser issues.

[McA89]

4 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

You are letting her still have power over you, with all this worrying and hand-wringing over a simple happy birthday text and over what she will think of your actions.  Now that you have decided that you no longer want to be friends with her anymore, it doesn't matter what she will think.  You have some very serious people-pleaser tendencies that you need to work on.  When someone has treated you badly, you cut them out of your life.  You block them and you should not care what they will think about your actions.  What she will think of your actions is irrelevant and you shouldn't let it hold all this power over you.  I really think you would benefit from going to therapy for your people pleaser issues.

Yes, you are right. I'm already in therapy. It was actually with the help of my therapist that I truly realized the scope of what she put me through. I'm working on my people-pleasing to avoid attracting people like her again.