Patricia Moore Posted July 25 Share Posted July 25 (edited) Over the past couple of years, my husband has developped a friendship with a younger woman, who is also a relative of mine. She is my younger niece and hence I would say also his niece, if only by mariage. I don't think there is anything more between them. Moreover, he has known her since she was still a kid. There is a considerable age difference between them. I can't help feeling nervous about the situation and admit to being slightly jealous. I don't want to be the wife that tells him not to have female friends. But I suspect that there is some form of attraction between them. When at a family reunion, they chat and I can see they get along really well. I know for certain that they text each other, not frequently, but it happens. I know for certain that they have met occasionaly and he is open about that, he tells me when they have seen each other. Am I seeing or imagining things that just aren't there? Should I even be worried? When my niece tells me for instance that she is going on a holiday and I tell my husband, he says he already knew about it and knows the destination and dates. Should I just relax and accept it for what it is? I'd love to hear both male and female points of view. Edited July 25 by Patricia Moore . Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted July 25 Share Posted July 25 Male here. My opinion: relax and accept. You should trust your husband. There is nothing immoral or strange or suspicious in having a close friendship with a spouse’s relative of the opposite gender. My fiancée hasn’t met my brother or my son from a previous marriage yet, but I’d be delighted if she develops a good, close relationship with any or both of them, if she sees them as family members. We did joke about my son falling in love with her (she is 30 but looks younger, he is 16 but looks much more mature), but in reality of course I trust them both, I wish he could visit the country we live in and meet her. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 25 Share Posted July 25 If you're worried ask your sibling (the niece's parent) if they have concerns about the relationship Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 25 Share Posted July 25 (edited) I would ask to be invited when they meet. If the answer is no, then you have your answer… While I would have no problem with my niece calling the house (like the old days…) and chatting with her uncle - I would have a problems with the two of them texting privately and sharing personal information. I would most definitely have a problem with the two of them meeting privately. I don’t think you are wrong to feel that this is inappropriate, I’m not a jealous person either but the older I get the more that I understand that healthy relationships have boundaries. This is crossing boundaries and I would be very uncomfortable with that. Edited July 25 by BaileyB 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Patricia Moore Posted July 25 Author Share Posted July 25 Thank you for your opinions. I agree with what Gebidozo says, it probably isn't something to worry about, nor is it necessarily strange or suspicious. As far as I can tell, the occasions when they met were fortuitous, they quite literally bumped into each other in the small town where we live. Something completely different would be if they saw each other on a date and didn't tell me about. That is where I would draw the line. I think he's wise enough not to get emotionally involved with a member of our family. That would really put our relationship at risk. But I can't be sure if there is a possibility for any of them to develop a crush for the other. Sometimes people get carried away or misinterpret a situation that is otherwise sound. BaileyB, why would texting privately and sharing personal information be a problem? Don't we all do so when we meet up with friends - of the same or opposite sex? That's what friendship is about, sharing things with others who we appreciate. Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted July 25 Share Posted July 25 The only healthy relationship they can have is a mentor-mentee relationship. Is that the kind of relationship they have? And even then mentors have to take steps to not get involved with people they mentor. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted July 25 Share Posted July 25 Friendships sometimes (certainly not always) lead to more. That's why you're posting here. Taking what you've written at face value, not assuming anything more, I'd say you're ok. But the potential for this to "escalate" into something more still exists. So I would keep an eye on this just to be sure it doesn't start "escalating..." Spouses should be allowed to have friends of the opposite sex. BUT if a specific friend is felt to be a genuine threat to the relationship/marriage, then IMO it's fair to ask that this specific friend be nixxed. Your spouse can find other people to be friends with that don't threaten the relationship. That's how I see it, at least. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 26 Share Posted July 26 9 hours ago, Patricia Moore said: Why would texting privately and sharing personal information be a problem? Don't we all do so when we meet up with friends - of the same or opposite sex? That's what friendship is about, sharing things with others who we appreciate. I don’t disagree. Friendship with others of the opposite sex becomes a problem when people don’t respect boundaries in relationship and protect their spouse/marriage. We see it on this board all the time - 15 hours ago, Patricia Moore said: I can't help feeling nervous about the situation and admit to being slightly jealous. I suspect that there is some form of attraction between them. In one sentence, you say that it’s not strange or suspicious… but you are clearly anxious and not feeling good about this. Trust your intuition. If it doesn’t feel right to you, then you need to have a discussion with your husband about the boundaries of your marriage… Link to post Share on other sites
TheEternalPessimist Posted July 26 Share Posted July 26 What's the age difference? Are we talking about 15 and 40 or 20 and 50? Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted July 26 Share Posted July 26 If you're not a jealous or suspicious person by nature, but you feel a bit uneasy about this, I say keep your eye on it. It's nice for your niece to have an older relative to confide in, but it may not be appropriate to be having catch-ups that you're not included in unless they're the sort where they just happened to bump into each other and had a quick chat on the street. On the one hand it could be completely innocent, a friendly young woman and her kindly older male friend. On the other it could be a young woman testing out her feminine allure on an older male she's always had a secret crush on. Most young women aren't that interested in older men unless there's some attraction there. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 26 Share Posted July 26 15 hours ago, Patricia Moore said: why would texting privately and sharing personal information be a problem? Don't we all do so when we meet up with friends - of the same or opposite sex? That's what friendship is about, sharing things with others who we appreciate. So...why did you create this thread, if you believe this yourself? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Patricia Moore Posted July 26 Author Share Posted July 26 8 hours ago, mark clemson said: Taking what you've written at face value, not assuming anything more, I'd say you're ok. But the potential for this to "escalate" into something more still exists. That's exactly how I feel about it. The potential is there. I see no problem with my husband being friends with a woman - family member or not - and certainly don't want to tell him who he can be friends with or not. I don't think friendship between a man and woman necessarily leads to something more, as long as there is respect and genuine feelings. But as soon as some form of attraction enters the equation (mutual or from one side only) it could quickly change, or as you say, escalate. They appreciate each other and get along well, I'm fine with that. I'm actually glad they do. I need to be on top of things though. Eventually I'll have to talk to him about it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Patricia Moore Posted July 26 Author Share Posted July 26 5 hours ago, TheEternalPessimist said: What's the age difference? Are we talking about 15 and 40 or 20 and 50? She's in her mid-twenties. Due to the age difference, he could almost be her father. I wouldn't allow my husband to talk to a 15 year old girl privately or texting her. That would be off limits. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 26 Share Posted July 26 My guess is that your husand is flattered by the attention of a much-younger woman. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Patricia Moore Posted July 26 Author Share Posted July 26 2 hours ago, MsJayne said: If you're not a jealous or suspicious person by nature, but you feel a bit uneasy about this, I say keep your eye on it. It's nice for your niece to have an older relative to confide in, but it may not be appropriate to be having catch-ups that you're not included in unless they're the sort where they just happened to bump into each other and had a quick chat on the street. On the one hand it could be completely innocent, a friendly young woman and her kindly older male friend. On the other it could be a young woman testing out her feminine allure on an older male she's always had a secret crush on. Most young women aren't that interested in older men unless there's some attraction there. Would you say it's mostly younger women who test out their feminine allure? Men are certainly sensible to that. Or men being keen on getting to know a younger women or even flirt with her, even if they both know it isn't going anywhere? Link to post Share on other sites
TheEternalPessimist Posted July 26 Share Posted July 26 49 minutes ago, Patricia Moore said: She's in her mid-twenties. Due to the age difference, he could almost be her father. I wouldn't allow my husband to talk to a 15 year old girl privately or texting her. That would be off limits. I'm single but my father's things would be on the front lawn if my mother found out he was talking privately with a 25 year old. Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted July 26 Share Posted July 26 2 minutes ago, TheEternalPessimist said: I'm single but my father's things would be on the front lawn if my mother found out he was talking privately with a 25 year old. Wow, this is… incredibly harsh. Are you from a very strict, conservative household? In my circle, it’s completely ok for anyone to be friendly and privately talk to anyone. I can’t even fathom monitoring such things, it would be utterly exhausting. And why immediately suspect sexual interest? I just hanged and talked with an 18-year old student of mine (I’m 48). My fiancée knows very well that I’m not sexually interested in anyone besides herself, so of course she’d be ok with me just chatting with other women, young or otherwise. Least of all, being suspicious of a relative just seems so strange to me. There are certain things that are sacred, taboo - I imagine not just for me, but for most men? You don’t lust after your buddies’ ladies. You don’t lust after your lady’s relatives or friends. My fiancée doesn’t have a niece, but if she had, the thought of harboring any sexual feelings for her would appear blasphemous to me. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 26 Share Posted July 26 3 minutes ago, Gebidozo said: There are certain things that are sacred, taboo - I imagine not just for me, but for most men? Eh, but we can't pretend these taboo connections don't exist, either. I am not saying that's necessarily what is going on here, but just because you wouldn't dream of it doesn't mean other men don't. I have seen it happen, unfortunately. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Patricia Moore Posted July 26 Author Share Posted July 26 15 minutes ago, TheEternalPessimist said: I'm single but my father's things would be on the front lawn if my mother found out he was talking privately with a 25 year old. I don't think age has anything to do with it. She could be 25, 45, 65... What is important here is the fact that they are friends. Off limits for me would be underage, or openly flirting with a woman of any age. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Patricia Moore Posted July 26 Author Share Posted July 26 3 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: Eh, but we can't pretend these taboo connections don't exist, either. I am not saying that's necessarily what is going on here, but just because you wouldn't dream of it doesn't mean other men don't. I have seen it happen, unfortunately. Attraction between the two sexes - or between people of the same sex, for that matter - has existed since the dawn of humanity. It surely happens and will continue to happen. One issue is if there is indeed attraction between the two of them. I have no clue if this is actually the case, but the possibility is there. I'm inclined to think the probability is remote. Another issue, in case of attraction, mutual or one-sized, is what one does with it. I'm inclined to think that both will know where the limits are. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Patricia Moore Posted July 26 Author Share Posted July 26 1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said: My guess is that your husand is flattered by the attention of a much-younger woman. I agree with that. But she is a close relative of both of us. He knows her almost since the day my husband and I started to date. She was still a kid back then. This niece is one of many we have, both in his and my family. Surely that must count for something. They get along really well. A different issue would be if he liked her, or if she liked him. No clues there as far as I can tell. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Patricia Moore Posted July 26 Author Share Posted July 26 25 minutes ago, Gebidozo said: There are certain things that are sacred, taboo - I imagine not just for me, but for most men? You don’t lust after your buddies’ ladies. You don’t lust after your lady’s relatives or friends. My fiancée doesn’t have a niece, but if she had, the thought of harboring any sexual feelings for her would appear blasphemous to me. I feel the same. I wouldn't lust after my husband's brother, for instance. Or the partners of my sisters. Sexual feelings in these situations are completely out of place. Unless we enter the realm of fantasy. I can understand these are recurrent fantasies one can have. It may be as ExpatInItaly has pointed out, he could be flattered by the attention of a younger woman. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 26 Share Posted July 26 10 minutes ago, Patricia Moore said: I agree with that. But she is a close relative of both of us. Yes, I know. That doesn't mean that he doesn't enjoy her attention. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Patricia Moore Posted July 26 Author Share Posted July 26 13 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: Yes, I know. That doesn't mean that he doesn't enjoy her attention. I agree. And that may well be mutual, she enjoying it as much as he does. No one is insensitive to a certain degree of attention, and I don't expect him to be insensitive to it, nor would I ask him to be. Would it be overly optimistic to think that family ties will put a damper on anything developping beyond what it is now? Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 26 Share Posted July 26 10 minutes ago, Patricia Moore said: Would it be overly optimistic to think that family ties will put a damper on anything developping beyond what it is now? No, it would be a reasonable assumption. Most wouldn't act on a flickering attraction there. But it's still an assumption, nonetheless. I would keep an eye on it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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