What would you do?

[Ingrid A]

My LDR boyfriend of 5 months is away on a trip with his family in another country. We’ve been in touch, but he’s not been as communicative as he usually is.  One night, I called him, he answered and sounded like he was whispering to me. The call was less than a minute and he said he would call me back in 4 hours as he was out to eat and then going out to a bar with family afterwards. He called me an hour and a half later saying he was back at his hotel and unpacking. He then hung up abruptly saying he’d call me right back because he had to put his headset on. He texted a minute later saying there was an “emergency”. He then blocked my phone number for 3.5 hours and called me back. (He’s never blocked me before - that I’m aware of). I didn’t answer his call, and he’s texted/called several times since then. I’ve told him I can’t talk when he texts because I’m honestly at a loss for words.

He finally texted that his niece was cut by some glass and her mom was very upset, they took the kiddo to the ER and all was “sorted”. Oh, and he said he left his cell phone at the hotel on the charger. Sounds like BS, but this is what he said.

It seems very suspicious and I will never know the truth about what happened.

What would you do?

[Gebidozo]

Did he explain why he blocked you?

With the exception of blocking, everything else sounds believable. But also, if you suspect that he’s lying, why would he block you to cover the lie? He could have just ignore your calls and then come up with a more believable explanation. Blocking only arouses suspicion.

Sometimes a lie sounds like truth, and truth sounds like a lie. I’ve heard some really strange, convoluted, improbable explanations that turned out to be true.

[basil67]

You say he's LDR.  How often do you get to see each other face to face?  Is this actually a real relationship?

[Ingrid A]

We see each other about once a month for a long weekend. We also FaceTime a lot.

[Ingrid A]

7 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Did he explain why he blocked you?

No, I haven’t talked with him since it happened. 

[Gebidozo]

8 minutes ago, Ingrid A said:

No, I haven’t talked with him since it happened. 

Well, you definitely should talk to him ASAP. Ask him why he blocked you.

[Ingrid A]

4 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Well, you definitely should talk to him ASAP. Ask him why he blocked you.

I will. I’ve never been “blocked” before. It was very upsetting and I’ve been at a loss for words since it happened. 

[basil67]

I get how this is frustrating for you.   Thing is though, it's perfectly normal for someone to be less in contact when they are away with family/friends.  While we can't be sure what's going on at his end, all this calling sounds needy, underscored by the fact that he ended up blocking you for a few hours.....and the fact you know you were blocked for a certain amount of time suggests that you tried to call him multiple times in that time frame...and this is why he blocked you in advance - he was expecting it 

For what it's worth, when my husband is away with his mates, we tend to schedule our calls at a time which is mutually convenient.  Or perhaps I might say "I'd love to chat, when is a good time?"  The only time I'd expect him to take a call without pre-planning would be if there was a family emergency.  

Have a chat with him.  Acknowledge your different expectations and work to find a compromise. 

 

Edited July 26 by basil67

[NuevoYorko]

Have you met in person or is this 100% "cyber"?

I would think it would be awfully difficult to maintain the requirements of an LDR if a person were traveling on a vacation with other people.  I doubt he's ever really alone.  When is he going to find the space to spend hours on FaceTime or similar?  

[Ingrid A]

8 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

Have you met in person or is this 100% "cyber"?

I would think it would be awfully difficult to maintain the requirements of an LDR if a person were traveling on a vacation with other people.  I doubt he's ever really alone.  When is he going to find the space to spend hours on FaceTime or similar?  

We’ve had several weekends in-person together.  Agreed, he’s likely hardly ever alone on this trip.  It’s a 30+ person family reunion.  

[Ingrid A]

23 minutes ago, basil67 said:

 While we can't be sure what's going on at his end, all this calling sounds needy, 

Have a chat with him.  Acknowledge your different expectations and work to find a compromise. 

 

Thank you. I get how this could sound needy. I called him about 1.5 hours after he hung up with the emergency and it seemed as though I was blocked, so I tried one more time.

Thank you. I get how this could sound needy. I called him about 1.5 hours after he hung up with the emergency and it seemed as though I was blocked, so I tried one more time.

Also, you don’t know me, but I have waited for his replies after either calling or texting.

Agree with you that it would be best to come up with a solution on how it would be best to communicate. Also, I am likely annoyed that he has hours after he said he would while being on this trip on more than one occasion.

Edited July 26 by Ingrid A

[basil67]

51 minutes ago, Ingrid A said:

Also, I am likely annoyed that he has hours after he said he would while being on this trip on more than one occasion.

Perhaps part of the solution is for him to text you if someone plans something which means he's unable to call?   Or perhaps sporadic texting and holiday photos instead of calling?  

[NuevoYorko]

I generally think that when people are on vacations their regular patterns of texts and calls with their partners are disrupted and it's acceptable.  

[stillafool]

I've always left dates alone while on vacation with buddies or family and used that time to pamper myself and catch up with friends.  Try it, time will go by fast.

[Ingrid A]

2 hours ago, stillafool said:

I've always left dates alone while on vacation with buddies or family and used that time to pamper myself and catch up with friends.  Try it, time will go by fast.

Thank you. I feel like I had this mindset and then he started calling/texting while he’s away and I became very responsive. I’d also get upset when he wasn’t responsive. 

Maybe it’s best to go back to that mindset and almost pretend like I’m on vacation too. Not call/text/respond until I have some leisurely time. Absence can make the heart grow fonder.

I think this will be really helpful.

[Lotsgoingon]

I'm sorry: but his hanging up suddenly and then blocking you (for hours!) is consistent with a  guy who is with another woman. My first thought is that he blocked you because he didn't want the "other woman" (the one he might be with) is right there with him) to see your name pop up on his phone. Also whispering? Who the heck has to whisper in these days of cell phones? If I have to whisper to someone, I'll give the person a reason in real time. "Hey, I'm in my cousin's hotel room. I gotta talk softly."

That's the way it sounds to me. I'd keep my eyes and ears open to other odd behavior if I were you. 

 

 

Edited July 26 by Lotsgoingon

[Ingrid A]

2 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

I'm sorry: but his hanging up suddenly and then blocking you (for hours!) is consistent with a  guy who is with another woman. My first thought is that he blocked you because he didn't want the "other woman" (the one he might be with) is right there with him) to see your name pop up on his phone. 

That's the way it sounds to me. I'd keep my eyes and ears open to other odd behavior if I were you. 

 

 

Thank you, @Lotsgoingon. This is exactly what first came to mind. It was so bizarre. I have never been blocked before. Fortunately, I have a cell phone for work and it could simulate a “being blocked” scenario with my personal phone.  The results were consistent with my number being blocked. 

Also, having to hang up on a call to put a “headset“ in makes no sense. Most people can put in their headset while they’re still on a call. And then to immediately, literally one minute later, get a text that there is a “emergency” is very odd.

The story he came back with was that a young child, was cut on a piece of glass and he had to go with the mom of the child, his cousin, to the emergency department and that he left his cell phone on the charger.

I appreciate your candor and will definitely be keeping my eyes and ears open. It’s also been a big turn off, kind of an “ick”.

Thank you again.

[NuevoYorko]

Can you just kind of let go of this and get on with your day to day life?   Reconnect with him when he's back and talk it over.  

If you have to "keep your eyes and ears open" in order to be in this relationship, it seems to be impossible.  You are long distance and have shared "several weekends" together in real life.   How can you even know what warrants concern or not when your everyday lives do not intersect at all?

From my perspective, you're either going to have to let this all go, or forget the whole thing.  

Which leads me to ask:  why have you chosen to be in a long distance relationship in the first place?   

[Lotsgoingon]

Whatever you do from here on,  you do NOT want to just ask him about your concerns. Cheaters lie so easily. Lying is a basic part of cheating!!!! Cheaters often plan their lies and practice them quietly all along. 

So if he is cheating, he'll have a good lie ready to give you, one that is possibly (possibly!) plausible enough. Your task is to observe carefully AND to pay attention to discomfort in your body, pay attention to that fear you might have deep down. Pay attention to any inconsistencies in his behavior or communication from here on out. 

Edited July 27 by Lotsgoingon

[Ingrid A]

@Lotsgoingon Lying can be effortless for this folks. Sadly, this isn’t the first time my radar has gone “off”. But, it is the first time I’ve been blocked.

Thank you for your words of wisdom. It’s not listening to what he says, but observing his behavior and how it makes me feel.

 

[basil67]

I'd be really surprised if he's cheating while he's away with his family.  Do you know for sure that he's with them?   Are there photos of him and the group? 

[ExpatInItaly]

You don't trust him, clearly. 

Whether or not it's warranted changes little. Where there's no trust, there's no relationship. I don't see how you can move forward with this relationship. 

[Alpacalia]

Agree with @Lotsgoingon

Very strange. If you were calling excessively he could have muted you but to block you does sound odd? He could have simply said "its very noisy here and not much time" and that would have been the answer. What do you do, how do you have any trust if you have to deal with this often, long distance relationships are a tough one but some how he has to make time to talk so you can keep the relationship alive.

I would wait and see what happens when he returns from the trip. If he acts normal and there are no more red flags, it could have just been a miscommunication or a weird situation with his family.