Please help! Wife of 8 years doesn't love me anymore!

[hopefulhusband]

I just noticed the "similar threads" thing at the bottom of this page and read some of (actually all of) them. How the hell can this be SO common, or at least SO similar in the cases when it happens? Also, how the hell can someone come here and post their problem, receive advice from well-meaning people, and then leave them hanging. I promise I will not do that. This thread will end with the end...if that is 300 posts from now then so be it! I really respect what you all are trying to do for me and I think that is the least I could do.

 

Another thing, I just finished the basic concepts on Marriagebuilders and I have learned a lot. I feel totally self centered and just, well, like an a-hole for saying this, but I learned that she seems to be taking all the time and I am giving all the time. I feel bad for saying that because one of the things I am trying to do most is identify what I did wrong, what emotional needs I did not meet and how to fix that. I KNOW I have done things wrong, and I know I commit some of their love busters but so far as I can tell, I was meeting her emotional needs.

Really what I guess I found out was that I must not know what her needs really are.

Anyway, the column on alcoholism was an eye opener. As far as the good Dr. is concerned, my wife is an alcoholic. She knows very well that her drinking concerns me and will not even cut it back a but, flaunting it as some kind of inalienable right or something. Very concerning according the the Dr. I have to hope that we can work through that as well.

 

Hopeful

[Becoming]

Beyond all this advice, you're gonna have to listen to your inner wisdom about the right course of action. That's why xiller8ting is right to advise you to pray. I don't care if you're not religious, etc. You've got to get to the center of you again, and the only way I know to do that is through prayer and meditation about what's really good and important and valuable. Once you have the goal in mind with re: to the answer to these questions, you can know better how to proceed--refusing to allow destructive behavior (yours as well as hers) and choosing the good.

 

I was where LJ was in my situation. I no longer wanted the marriage we had, and had been actively (and regrettably angrily) saying so. His response was to withdraw further and further into lala land, not move toward me to create a new way together. If the marriage was to continue, he needed a wake-up call, which I provided at great potential peril. But I couldn't have him near me because I was such a basket case I couldn't take care of the children. For the sake of good, I had to have him out of the house in order to calm down.

 

Part of the reason why it hurts so much is that she's been your world. You've lost your friend who helped you through tough times. I assume you're coming home, staying with the kids while she goes out at night? I know she needs a break from the kids, but you work, too. You need to work out an amicable agreement whereby you also get to go out and do what you want sometimes.

 

You have some important things to do ASAP: find a lawyer, get your finances protected, get an appt. for therapy. You may also need to tell your boss you're having serious marital problems (that's all you need to say) just to let her/him know and reassure them that you're hoping it won't affect your performance but that you'd appreciate some tolerance.

 

While you're waiting for therapy, I suggest you find an Al-Anon meeting to go to. I suspect you've got problems with codependency, as many of us do. There you'll find others who can relate to what you're going through and a sponsor to talk to as well (I think that's true). It's all free and confidential. And you'll get some much-needed care and meet new people.

 

I suggest Al-Anon because your wife has a drinking problem. The whole European thing is BS. If she's watering down the wine to hide what she's doing, she knows it, too, at some level she probably doesn't want to access so she can continue to be irresponsible. I suspect she's overwhelmed with the responsibility of caring for two small children and the household. It's a daunting responsibility that many of us are unprepared for. One of the main things you can do is help shoulder some of those responsibilities in order to meet her emotional needs, but you need to be careful that you don't become overly responsible.

 

She is in deep denial about so many things--reality being the main one. And LJ is right (I found out late)--you're going to have to be the adult in this situation when the inner child in you is screaming, "But it's not fair! I'm the hurt one here!" Your inner child wants his mama, and she's been it. But it's your job to be your parent to your inner child's needs, not hers. It's taken years of therapy for me to finally get this, and it's been so empowering.

You have to be in control of you and your emotions. Repeat your mantra because it is soooooo true. If you're not in control of yourself, you can't care for her in any way.

 

It's really weird, but I discovered how to do this during our separation. I accessed this incredible place of peace I hadn't known before because our interactions had been so enmeshed and toxic. Once I did, I was able to hear his pain that had led to his hurtful behavior and acknowledge I understood even as I was also dying inside. I even asked for forgiveness. He saw a new me during that time, and that sure helped. Of course, later, I saw to it that he was witness to all the pain he had caused me, not anger, but deep, deep hurt. He had not seen the hurt all my anger before had been trying to relieve. He'd only seen the anger. He was much better dealing with the tender, devastated me than the angry me.

 

Work may help you feel a little better. Distraction is helpful just to make it through sometimes. Doing something that you do to feel in control of is helpful. My house was never so clean as during that time. I took out all the anger on scrubbing and cleaning. It was amazing. You may attack exercise or some new project, but find some distraction that helps console you during this time.

[Becoming]

Really what I guess I found out was that I must not know what her needs really are.

 

Yup. My husband was shocked when we took the quiz.

 

Tell her you're trying to find out where you went wrong and want to work to build a new marriage with her but that you're clueless as to how to meet her emotional needs because you really don't know what they are.

 

Then ask her to take the emotional needs inventory and share the results with you. Don't share yours unless she asks.

 

Remember, you're going to have to take responsibility for the time being (not for always, but for now).

[justagirl64]

Things that Becoming said are important...I did not read the bit about her 'having a drinking problem'....? If she does drink too much then this is an obviously an alarm bell! She is battling depression which may have accumulated over a long time. You may need to assess this carefully as I fear she is not in position to make informed/rational decisions about where she is headed if she is very depressed. She is very needy and that is pushing her into the affair.

 

Furthermore, if she is spending the entire night out or most of it, she is far more entrenched in the affair than I took it. This is a hard one. She needs time and space and this involves a certain degree of abandonment but I fear this is an alarm bell in which you need to make a definite stand for action (not confrontational = anger = danger) but to seek external advice/help.

 

I can't speak from a man's perspective re the OM, but dwelling on what is telling her / doing to her etc is not going to keep you clear-minded but will only infuriate you! Guys out there ....help out on this one!!!!

[hopefulhusband]

Ok, Becoming, I hear you, and I am trying to get to where you are pointing me but some of what you are saying to do means I will have to risk ending everything just to save it. I know that sounds obvious, and it also seems obvious that it needs to be done, but I am a person who NEVER considered therapy before, talks too much to be quiet for this long, emotes too much for my own good and is probably so co-dependant that it would rewrite the definition. In short, I think many of my shortcomings as a husband and a man are rearing their ugly heads now and preventing me from moving past the "just shut up and wait" part to actually doing anything, either with her or without her.

 

In fact, my wife and I used to make fun of therapy. I have NEVER considered a support group. Actually, to clarify, those things were not even on my radar to consider. I mean I saw them in movies and on TV but no more considered them to be a real fact of life than space battles or jumping off a 10 story building and landing on your feet.

My point is that even this sharing on this board, while it comes easy because I am used to writing my thoughts, was an act of desperation and going to al-anon or any other group would be so foreign, I can't fathom it right now even though I can see the obvious benefits.

I am going to try therapy but again, it's really because I see no other choice, not really because I believe in it.

As for God, well, he and I are not exactly on each other's good list. I think i lead a pretty good life, even by Christian standards. I am not an atheist by any stretch but once again, the topic of going to church and praying has only come up recently in my life and it's only because of the kids. I grew up in a baptist church that my mother took me to, even though she was not religious herself (my father rarely went), just to expose me to the concepts and see if I wanted to continue. When I was old enough to choose not to go, I did. I have not been back since and have a real distaste for organized religion.

That all said, I said my first prayer in a LONG time tonight and I have no idea if it helped, either therapeutically or in the sense that God will answer it. I did it and I will probably do it from now on but as of now there is not much faith behind it. My guess is that right now is probably not the best time to try to develop faith when all that I believe in other than my kids is crumbling around me.

 

I spent tonight in mostly good spirits but just a few minutes ago I broke down for no real reason. This feeling of emptiness comes over me and I just feel so helpless and alone. I can't imagine feeling this for much longer. I can't imaging crying any more, but sadly for me, this is not my imagination and I think it will probably get worse.

 

I can't stand things right now. I can't stand the choices I need to make, the things I need to say, or not say, and the loss of a life that seemed so perfect only a few days ago. I suppose she's a great actress in addition to all the other qualities she has to admire, which despite all the negativity I post here, she surely does. She sure had me fooled.

 

Hopeful

[Ladyjane14]

How the hell can this be SO common, or at least SO similar in the cases when it happens?

 

Oddly comforting, isn't it? ...To know that you're not alone in your situation. It happens to alot of good folk, and you'll get through it too same as they did. It's weird, but sometimes a crisis in marriage can actually improve it, like in my situation. Even for those marriages that dissolve in divorce, that too is a resolution and people learn, grow, and heal.

 

The most important thing for you right now is to RELAX and take it all in before you make big decisions.

 

Really what I guess I found out was that I must not know what her needs really are.

 

I'm in agreement with Becoming with a big "Yup":laugh: . I think that the fact that you're not able to readily identify your wife's specific ENs ought to be telling you that there's work to do.

 

But Rome wasn't built in a day....so pace yourself. Hopefully, Owl will weigh in at some point.

[hopefulhusband]

Furthermore, if she is spending the entire night out or most of it, she is far more entrenched in the affair than I took it. This is a hard one. She needs time and space and this involves a certain degree of abandonment but I fear this is an alarm bell in which you need to make a definite stand for action (not confrontational = anger = danger) but to seek external advice/help.

 

I want to clarify. I don't think I ever said she was spending all night out. If I did, or insinuated it, that is not the case. She did spend that first night out but she was at a girlfriend's who I don't think would cover for her (I could hear her in the background as my wife called to say she got there ok).

Her drinking is almost exclusively in our home. She hardly ever goes out, and when she does, I have little evidence that she drinks much, if at all.

I know these things don't change the fact that drinking plays a part in this but I want to make sure that your advice is constructed from correct information.

 

Hopeful

[hopefulhusband]

To all my helpful people,

 

I'm going to bed now but I thought it was right to be forthright with you all and not sugar coat anything so the is something more to tell.

Since having kids, both of us, as avid movie-goers, have taken to seeing movies by ourselves (you know where this is going) since it was cheaper than getting a babysitter and you don't really "see" a movie with someone else, you just sit next to them and watch in silence.

Well, tonight she went to see a movie "by herself" which any other time in our lives would not be an issue but... the movie started at 7:10 and ran 2:44 minutes. She didn't call me, which we always do after a movie, until just now, at 11:05. She said it just got out. She also was using the voice she ALWAYS uses (but tried to not use now) when there is someone in the room and she can't talk freely. She even tried to make small talk about me needing to go see the movie too. I wanted to jump through the phone and choke the guy I KNOW was standing right next to my wife!!!!

But, instead, I remained calm. I did not call her on any of it. I just said "Well, drive safe, I'm going to bed."

 

---this is inserted after the post was written----

She called back, this time speaking in her normal voice and said she's stopping by the 7-11 to get gas (and wine no doubt) and would be home soon. Funny how she doesn't give a damn, but calls twice to check in.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Did I do the right thing? Those of you with the "ball growing" and telling her to f-off theories need not apply. It's clear that those seeds are growing very slowly indeed but I think they will sprout when really needed. I am really asking if this is one of those times when I needed to do what I did and give her space, not question or accuse and just go on about my life? It feels SO wrong because I am almost positive she was with him tonight. Hell, she even knew I was upset when she left and said "there's no need to be upset.", seeming to continue on with the charade of "everything's gonna be ok, even though I got this other guy waiting for me down the road."

Once again, if I have not repeated this recently, I am not ok with this affair, but she says something will give soon. I have chosen to believe two things; one that she is telling the truth about this relationship, something that I have little faith in, and two, that she will either end it or us soon, either of which I will have to deal with in a very painful way, I'm sure.

She acts like there is some more to this story, that if I knew it, would let me know it will all work out in the end but she refuses to tell me what it is. I even asked near the end of the initial "oh, and by the way I'm seeing another man" conversation why she seemed so sure that nobody would move out, or that we would not get divorced. I said that she was not the only one that got to make those decisions but she still insisted that the kids would never be involved, that our household would remain in-tact and that we would not separate. How the hell can she think that and still do the things she's doing. If she really has so low opinion of me to think that I have NO balls at all and will sit still for anything she does, then maybe good riddance. I hope I don't mean that but...

 

Not as Hopeful

[Amethyst020]

hopefulhusband...is there something in the water these days? my husband of 4 years (been together 8 years, have one daughter - 2 yrs old) said almost to a tee the exact words your wife told you. this sucks since you probably didn't see this coming at least not like this and you feel like you have NO control over it.

 

For sure get some counseling. We are in marriage counseling right now. It's a step in the right direction. My husband is still hesitant with even counseling but I think it takes time for him (and your wife) to admit to changing.

 

She HAS to cut off all contact with this other guy. Absolutely no contact if you are to work on this.

 

I agree with the postings that you should NOT move out. She is the one needing space. As much as it hurt me and realizing that my husband may never move back in...to disrupt the kids and your lifestyle/surroundings is not an option. She has to move not you.

 

Easier said than done but PLEASE take care of yourself. Use this time to find yourself again and the things you always wished you could do. Spend tons of time with your kids too. They are old enough to figure out what is going on even if you don't talk in front of them.

 

Good luck. Please keep us posted! It's too bad that you & I are going thru an identical crisis. -amethyst020

[Becoming]

The problem, though, with her moving out is that she is the one who cares for the children, right? Unless she moves out and you pay her for child care, which I doubt you could afford . . . ???

 

I simply couldn't live in the situation you're in. She's drinking, lying, seeing someone else. And this would be considered good for a marriage on what planet? I think the fact that you can live with her without wanting to throttle her is a testament to your abject goodness.

 

I didn't mean to push any religious beliefs onto you. If I'd grown up only knowing the Baptist Church (which I do--some are good, but too many are anti-intellectual) I would've run from the church, too. No church is God; it only helps us know that Higher Power that you're going to need, the power that your core being is connected to and which you can access through prayer--that's what I meant.

 

I almost laughed when I recommended Al-Anon because I've practically sneered at support groups, too. It's because I'm uncomfortable needing people because deep down in I'm scared I need them too much. Kinda crazy, I know. But we all need help. I think this forum appeals to all of us who can have a vicarious support group.

[Xillr8ng]

Forgiveness is a vey large pill to swallow....it is not in the stream of everyday life that one can truly show genuine forgiveness...You have the unpleasant yet perfect opportunity to extend this display of love...excuse the resentment thoughts and the uncharted territories your wife may select and reflect your efforts on you and the others around you that you deem important.God is not blind as to not see our needs but he still requires from us to use the privalige of prayer."keep asking and you shall receive"...of course that does not mean asking for the lottery pot or a brand new Corvette.LOL..Ask for help to endure this test...and this is a test....Just like high school...In psalms it says that God is "the hearer of prayers" and we tend to expect results quickly...But I have come to appreciate prayer and its power but I still remember Isa55“For the thoughts of YOU people are not my thoughts, nor are my ways YOUR ways,” is the utterance of Jehovah.He will fix things....have patience and stay as strong as you have so far...You are doing great ,loving husband.

[justagirl64]

To all my helpful people,

 

....

 

But, instead, I remained calm. I did not call her on any of it. I just said "Well, drive safe, I'm going to bed."

 

.....

 

Did I do the right thing?

 

 

I think you did very well! So the result - SHE CHECKED IN TWICE. She is now starting to think "Hmmm, I'm not sure about this, I'd better keep tabs..". You sound more positive tonight too..one step at a time. The idea is to get her to open up to you (if at all) and this will take effort on your behalf and time. Forget her relationship to the OM (I know this is easier said than done) but you really need to focus on where your wife is at with you, and how you will respond. ALL THE BEST HOPEFUL.

[Mz. Pixie]

No, he should not forget this relationship with the OM.

 

Here is how I see it, Hopeful. Please feel free to read some of my posts, because I have been a cheating wife so I know a ton about what your wife is thinking at this point.

 

She has some need in her that this guy is meeting. Much of what you said about her escaping from her real life is true. She has convinced herself that you do not love her, and that you do not care.

 

I can almost tell you, without a doubt, that you do not have the entire story. She will only be truthful with you a bit at a time, if at all for a variety of reasons.

 

For this reason, you need to gather the information about what she is doing. Next time she goes out, borrow a car and follow her. See for yourself what's going on. Put a keylogger on the computer or check her e mails, or the archive on the messages on her instant messenger. Check her cell phone bills to see how much she has been talking to this guy. Knowledge is power and the more you know the more information you have to keep her from lying any further. Since she does the finances, check the credit card bills or bank statements to see if any money is missing. Are you kids in school?? Could she be meeting him during the day if so??

 

She is a stay at home mom and doesn't work. In my opinion she's hedging her options because of this. SHe doesn't want to leave for this guy yet, because he hasn't said he'll take care of her and the kids. If he would have said that, I promise, she'd be gone. Your ignoring the situation is giving her time to build more of a relationship with him.

 

Gather your information, see the lawyer. While you are at it, take back control of your finances from her, she is not thinking clearly anyway. Then, confront her with the proof that you have. The choices are as follows-

 

1. She stops talking to the other guy. Period. She has to open up phone records, e mails everything to you. She has no private life now because of this.

 

2. She gets in marriage counseling with you.

 

The part about never loving you is BS. She's using that to justify what she's doing.

 

Do not say you can't afford MC. You cannot afford not to. If she doesn't want to give this guy up, to work on your marriage, say for six months, then there is more to this than you think there is. Otherwise she wouldn't mind. T

 

If she cannot do that, then she needs to make plans to move. The kids need to stay with you. Give her a time frame to find the job and the apt. Make sure she knows that you'll be glad to take care of the kids.

 

Please read "Love must be tough" by James Dobson.

 

While you are setting these boundaries, let her know that you love her, you are willing to change, and to work on the marriage if she will only give up the OM. Keep driving that point home. Tell her you know you have made mistakes and you'd like to know what they are. You do not have to be angry, just matter of fact.

[reddog63]

Not sure what I am about to write will help, but can not see how it could hurt.

 

I have been married 20 years. Unfortunately, I find myself in the situation of not feeling in love anymore with wife. It has been a real struggle for me over the past 5 years or so. I could write on thesis on the reasons I feel this way and beleive me, it is no fun to be in this position. I have a hard enough time with the thought of devastating wife and kids, the one thing that has kept me from leaving. I tell you this for two reasons.....1)just to give you a background from where I am coming from and 2) its not easy on my side of the fence (the i love you but not in love with you). If I could take a pill and go back to being a "pod" husband I would. OK........third reason.......self therapy to write.

 

Ok....my two cents.

 

First, like others said..........get info on EA/PA........keylogger program, tape recorder, etc. I would keep journal too for possible future use. In other words, protect yourself and possible custody issues later.

 

If you read the marriage builders site and if you want to try and stay married, at some point you need to expose all this to relatives, friends, etc. The marriage builders site has many stories that you can read and see the advice from experience people who have been through this.

 

Some of the people on that site go thru great lengths to save their marriage. I do not think I could sit back while the affair continues. I would have to get proof, then expose, then demand contact be cut off.

 

As can see I am not a writer...ha. But I am an engineer and try and look at situation logically. Thats why this whole dynamic of relationships..........one falling out of love, etc..........drives me nuts. I can not make sense of the whole matter. Everyone has an opinion. The one thing that does amaze me is that some people can be downright mean. I mean, if your wife wants a divorce.......get one. Then go man shopping. I never want to leave my wife for another woman............I want to be clear headed to make that decision someday.

 

Good luck..........

[Becoming]

No, he should not forget this relationship with the OM.

 

Here is how I see it, Hopeful. Please feel free to read some of my posts, because I have been a cheating wife so I know a ton about what your wife is thinking at this point.

 

She has some need in her that this guy is meeting. Much of what you said about her escaping from her real life is true. She has convinced herself that you do not love her, and that you do not care.

 

I can almost tell you, without a doubt, that you do not have the entire story. She will only be truthful with you a bit at a time, if at all for a variety of reasons.

 

For this reason, you need to gather the information about what she is doing. Next time she goes out, borrow a car and follow her. See for yourself what's going on. Put a keylogger on the computer or check her e mails, or the archive on the messages on her instant messenger. Check her cell phone bills to see how much she has been talking to this guy. Knowledge is power and the more you know the more information you have to keep her from lying any further. Since she does the finances, check the credit card bills or bank statements to see if any money is missing. Are you kids in school?? Could she be meeting him during the day if so??

 

She is a stay at home mom and doesn't work. In my opinion she's hedging her options because of this. SHe doesn't want to leave for this guy yet, because he hasn't said he'll take care of her and the kids. If he would have said that, I promise, she'd be gone. Your ignoring the situation is giving her time to build more of a relationship with him.

 

Gather your information, see the lawyer. While you are at it, take back control of your finances from her, she is not thinking clearly anyway. Then, confront her with the proof that you have. The choices are as follows-

 

1. She stops talking to the other guy. Period. She has to open up phone records, e mails everything to you. She has no private life now because of this.

 

2. She gets in marriage counseling with you.

 

The part about never loving you is BS. She's using that to justify what she's doing.

 

Do not say you can't afford MC. You cannot afford not to. If she doesn't want to give this guy up, to work on your marriage, say for six months, then there is more to this than you think there is. Otherwise she wouldn't mind. T

 

If she cannot do that, then she needs to make plans to move. The kids need to stay with you. Give her a time frame to find the job and the apt. Make sure she knows that you'll be glad to take care of the kids.

 

Please read "Love must be tough" by James Dobson.

 

While you are setting these boundaries, let her know that you love her, you are willing to change, and to work on the marriage if she will only give up the OM. Keep driving that point home. Tell her you know you have made mistakes and you'd like to know what they are. You do not have to be angry, just matter of fact.

 

 

Listen to Pixie. She's been in your wife's shoes. And I agree with her 200%!

 

I'm off on business trip for next week, but as I thought about your situation, I realized your wife has it made--all compliments of you. I think your only hope is to risk it all because frankly, you don't have what you thought you did anyway. All you have is a housekeeper and nanny, which I suspect is part of the problem.

 

She needs to realize what she's really doing here and what she's got to lose. If she has to work, there's less time for a relationship with anyone. She will have to deal with you to work out arrangement with kids, and you can use that time to stay calm, centered and woo her as much as she'll let you. Would the other man want her with kids attached? I doubt it.

 

You simply have to see a lawyer and get back control of $$$.

 

Best wishes. I'm praying for your situation and you and your family.

[CaliGuy]

Hello all,

 

Last night my wife, whom I have been happily (or so I thought) married to for 8 years and share 2 beautiful boys with (ages 3 & 6) told me she doesn't know if she loves me. Well she loves me, but is not in love with me and says she has never felt in love with anyone before, including me.

She has been distant for the past month and sex has stopped.

The main issue now is that she feels controled by everyone in her life and says she has always acted to please everyone else and now feels it's time to do what she wants.

Well, the twist is that she also says she's seeing someone else (and of course I have to assume has some of those "love" feelings for but she won't admit it), but claims that in their 2 month relationship, it has been nothing but emotional support and compainionship. She claims no physical relationship. I suppose I have to take her word for it.

She told me that she has nothing but great things to say about me, I am a great father, great husband, great person, etc but she doesn't know if she is even interested in seeking help or making things work between us.

I am completely lost. I have no idea what to do now. She is not being angry or confrontational, and neither am I at this point even thought it's all I can do not to be. I have listened to what she has had to say and she says she doesn't know what she wants, nor does she know what she expects me to do.

What do I do? Ask for a divorce? Wait it out and see what she decides to do? Propose an ultimatum?

What makes it worse is that she keeps claiming that I am not going anywhere, she is not going anywhere, she doesn't want a divorce but yet cannot make a committment to solving any of the issues we have going on. She won't open up to me, and never really has.

Lastly, one of the major issues in her life is that her 18 year old brother was killed a year before we met and she was still in heavy emotional turmoil at the time. She claims that now, 9 years later, she is finally somewhat over that and has realized that our marrige was possibly some sort of rebound or crutch she used to get past the trauma.

Please help me. I love her dearly and cannot bear the thought of what a seperation will do to our boys. I think she loves me but I cannot force her to explore that.

What do I do now?

 

Thank you

RM

 

Yikes, tough problem. I feel for you.

 

What was your marriage like in the beginning? She must have had some strong feelings to both get married to you AND have children with you as well.

 

My best advice, pull back. Pull waaaaaaaaay back from her. Give her space. In fact, if I were you I'd move out. She's admitted to "seeing" someone else, the chances are very good the relationship is physical as well.

 

You must draw a line of respect. You will not allow her to "date" other men and still live together. I would file for separation and move out. Let her get a taste of what life is like without you.

 

Yes it will be hard on the kids but there are certain boundaries you should not allow to be crossed and bother, she not only crossed it, she ran all over it.

 

Respect yourself first and foremost. Take care of the kids, be wary of their needs and how they will take this but under no circumstances should you be spending any time with her while she's off checking for greener pastures.

 

Yikes. I'm sorry for this. I hate that people can do this to others!

[CaliGuy]

It must get tiring to keep writing the same things back to me each time I ask different questions, and mean that in a completely appreciative way. Thank you for being patient with this over-emotional basket case.

I have made plans to go out this week. The problem is that all my friends are really just associates or peers. They are not people I would call to go out. I am really a sad case where I was completely happy living and existing in my family, going out with my wife and kids and did not really need anything else. She was my wife and best friend. I think that is part of the problem because even though I encouraged her not to, she sort of pushed all her friends away and stopped going out, especially when the kids came along.

She is a stay at home mom by choice (hers) and has openly resented me getting to go to work and associating with people who don't just happen to be parents of our kids.

 

Sounds like she brought this on herself. Personally she needs to go get a job and a life. You've been her life and now she wants to see what else life has to offer. The problem is she thinks you'll always leave the door open for her. Show her you respect herself and start closing the door.

 

Like all relationships, there are so many complicating factors, and all of them seem to make it extremely impossible to "move on." As for the moving out thing, well, currently that would be a financial impossibility as well as an emotional one where the kids are concerned so that is not being considered.

 

Unfortunately you must decide is saving your marriage more important than anything else, aside from the kids? She made the decision to start seeing someone else, she should be big enough to handle the repercussions for doing so.

 

Move out. It's your only choice. That or kick her out. Let her stay with someone else while she's sowing her oats. The sooner you do this the sooner she'll either come around or you decide to divorce her.

 

Either way by letting her live there she gets to have her cake and eat it to, at your expense. That's not fair to you. Respect yourself, please, and force her out.

[hopefulhusband]

Well, I either did something really bad, or really good this morning. I am totally unsure which.

She got drunk last night, which is not every night but she was gone, and I had to help her to bed. This morning was the first day back to school for our kids and she said the day before she was very concerned that they get to school on time. Well, she didn't get to sleep until about 4:00am (again, unusual) sO I decided to let her sleep in (something she never gets to do and complains about) and take the kids to school. I tried to get her up to say goodbye but she just kept falling back asleep on me so I just left, not thinking anything of it...well....that's part of the story.

I also (and I THOUGHT this would be the bad part) left the half-filled with water bottle of wine she left in the fridge on the kitchen counter with a respectful, loving letter letting her know that her drinking was not only a problem in our marriage, but a source of her depression as well.

Of course my phone went off just as I was dropping the kids off to school and she was pissed. Asking how I could just take the kids to school and leave an empty house. How did I not know she valued doing that etc. Truly, I thought I was doing her a favor. She insists I did it to punish her.

THEN she read the letter and was pissed about it too and linked the two things in her mind. Took kids+letter=message. Again, maybe on some sub-conscious level, but I really was just trying to help.

Anyway, we did once again, for the first time since the initial conversation, talk about all this. We basically re-hashed a lot of things but I did a lot of listening and so did she. I can't say we are anywhere beyond where we were a couple days ago, but there was relatively calm communication about the core issues.

She still denies that alcohol has anything to do with anything so that is a major problem. Of course now she is resistant to seeing a counselor because she feels attacked and pressured.

I KNOW that this sounds like a psycho person, but I need you all to understand, which surely you do, that there is another side to this story, and person. I know what you DO know would be grounds for dismissal for most but I suppose I am not most.

I will not make an ultimatum right now. I am willing to wait. I have an appointment with a counselor on Thursday morning and I want to see how that goes before taking ANY more steps.

So, after the conversation this morning, things are not much different, but I did say more than a couple times that this affair WILL need to end sooner than later and that I will not wait forever for it to happen. That is as close to an ultimatum as I get right now.

Like I said, I don't know if this is a good thing, that she is back to conflict from withdrawal at least for the moment, or if it is a bad thing because I may have pushed the issues too soon.

In any event, I have talked to a couple male friends of mine and they have some similar advice to what I get here so I think I am on the right track to somewhere.

For right now, I am still in utter turmoil and emotional as hell but holding together ok...for now.

 

Hopeful

[CaliGuy]

Brother, as long as she is having an affair (trust me, she's probably being physical with this guy, movies my a$$!) and as long as you are willing to let her stay there you're only hurting yourself.

 

She needs to see what life would be like without you in order to get her head on straight. Once she realizes what she will lose and gets a taste of it she will come back fast.

 

The longer you delay this the worse off your marriage will be. The longer you let her disrespect you the greater the chances you have of her leaving for good.

 

I know you don't want to do this because it has a chance of forcing her away but if you don't, you're almost guaranteed to lose her. Your best chance of keeping her is to let her go. Kick her out, draw that line in the sand and show her you demand respect and there are repercussions for crossing those boundaries.

 

You MUST do this if you wish to save your marriage. The best medicine for people who want space is to give it to them. Let her of the cage to see what life is like without you. I'm willing to bet she'll soon see the grass isn't greener on the other side.

[Mz. Pixie]

SHe's not crazy, she's just in the fog of the addiction of the affair.

 

She probably feels like she is crazy and the drinking helps her escape from the guilt and the problems for a bit.

 

The fact that she's pouring water in the bottle to hide how much she is drinking is a red flag for alcoholism.

 

I'm not suggesting you being cruel to her. What I am suggesting is that you FORCE her to end the affair. She will because she know she cannot support herself financially right now. I believe she will anyway. She's going to be angry and things might get worse before they get better but in the end I believe she will give him up- because she will not have a choice.

 

Then you can begin to try and meet her needs and rebuild your marriage. Your chances of doing so are nil with this other guy in the picture.

[thegoodhubbie]

This post is pissing me off. What kind of a man are you for crying out loud?! Oh, honey, your hurting my feelings, wahh, wahh, wahh, You are acting like a fag and your wife is walking all over you. Find out where this prick lives and go over there with a baseball bat when she is with him. Drag him outside and beat the **** out of him. Yes, you may have to spend a night in jail for assault, but I guarantee she will not find you so wimpy and boring.

 

 

 

Jesus, be a man already!

[CaliGuy]

SHe's not crazy, she's just in the fog of the addiction of the affair.

 

She probably feels like she is crazy and the drinking helps her escape from the guilt and the problems for a bit.

 

The fact that she's pouring water in the bottle to hide how much she is drinking is a red flag for alcoholism.

 

Very true.

 

I'm not suggesting you being cruel to her. What I am suggesting is that you FORCE her to end the affair.

 

The easiest way to do that is for him to stand up for himself and force her out of the house. He pays the rent and has that option. It's disturbing to me that he allows her to live there while she is getting her emotional and physical needs met by someone else.

 

Yes, it's painful and requires an iron clad stomach to do but he must do it to gain his self-respect. The minute my ex started dating someone else I booted her from the house. That was something I was not going to take. It was a complete slap in my face. This man has no boundaries and she's going to walk all over him and whatever respect she has for his is quickly eroding the longer he allows her to live there while she is seeing someone else.

 

No, it's not the easiest solution but by damn it's going to force her one way or the other and the sooner he gets a resolution the better.

 

She will because she know she cannot support herself financially right now.

 

She should have thought about that before grazing 'greener' pastures. That's the repercussion for not communicating to your S/O. By kicking her out of the house he will:

 

1. Show her that he has boundaries and there are repercussions for crossing them.

2. Show her that he means business and will not be treated this way.

3. Force her to think about her actions and understand that her drinking, her behavior, her lack of communication isn't his fault, it's hers and if she doesn't come correct she will lose everything.

4. Force her to make a decision. Yes, there is a chance she'll choose the OM but why delay the inevitable? The sooner he has a resolution, the better.

 

I believe she will anyway. She's going to be angry and things might get worse before they get better but in the end I believe she will give him up- because she will not have a choice.

 

By forcing her out, the choice will be made for her. Give him up now and come correct or lose everything. That's fair.

 

Then you can begin to try and meet her needs and rebuild your marriage. Your chances of doing so are nil with this other guy in the picture.

 

I agree. But she has a lot of personal demons/issues to slay and she has no reason to work on them while he allows her to have her cake and eat it to.

 

No offense, my friend, but you do need to stand up for yourself, be a man and let her know you will not stand for this. You must for your own good and the sake of your marriage.

[hopefulhusband]

Well, at least the advice is diversifying now, which I suppose is a good thing but... I will of course choose what I listen to and what I do not and no amount of forceful commentary can make me into something I am not, or ever want to be. If she, or any other woman for that matter, would be turned on or brought back by me kicking some guy's ass, then I am not interested in her. If that turns out to be my wife, and that's what she is missing in me that she gets elsewhere then, oh well, there's always the next woman...

I need to make changes in myself for sure, but not to the core of who I am, which I am happy with. If being thoughtful, emotional and open makes me a fag, then so be it. I have no use for labels or judgment like that.

I am scheduled to meet with a therapist and go from there. I do not anticipate any real changes in the situation before then but I will keep those of you interested in helping, and who have helped, posted.

 

Hopeful

[CaliGuy]

Well, at least the advice is diversifying now, which I suppose is a good thing but... I will of course choose what I listen to and what I do not and no amount of forceful commentary can make me into something I am not, or ever want to be. If she, or any other woman for that matter, would be turned on or brought back by me kicking some guy's ass, then I am not interested in her. If that turns out to be my wife, and that's what she is missing in me that she gets elsewhere then, oh well, there's always the next woman...

 

The OM is insignificant to you. He is not your rival and you must tell yourself that. Don't let jealousy rule your actions. Do not give in to fear. Recognize your fear, accept you feel that way but don't let it control you. Jealousy and fear prevent us from making the right decisions. Hopefully you are listening to the advice here, the sound advice, that people with experience are giving you.

 

Violence solves nothing.

 

I need to make changes in myself for sure, but not to the core of who I am, which I am happy with. If being thoughtful, emotional and open makes me a fag, then so be it. I have no use for labels or judgment like that.

I am scheduled to meet with a therapist and go from there. I do not anticipate any real changes in the situation before then but I will keep those of you interested in helping, and who have helped, posted.

 

Hopeful

 

Don't change who you are, just work on improving where you can (like controlling anger, not letting the small stuff get to you, etc).

 

But honestly, you do need to boot her from the house. Sit her down and explain: "I'm not going to allow to happen in this house. I respect myself enough to say 'enough is enough' and if you want to have some other man you can find another place to live. You need to get your stuff together and be out of here by (such and such) time."

 

Then you must be willing to stand by and suffer, initially, what will happen. It will get worse before it gets better. Trust me, it's not easy to do this but in the end the rewards will justify your actions. Either she will come running back to you or not. Either way you force a decision.

 

But, if you allow her to live with you and date someone else, the results will be fatal, guaranteed.

[Ladyjane14]

For this reason, you need to gather the information about what she is doing. Next time she goes out, borrow a car and follow her. See for yourself what's going on. Put a keylogger on the computer or check her e mails, or the archive on the messages on her instant messenger. Check her cell phone bills to see how much she has been talking to this guy. Knowledge is power and the more you know the more information you have to keep her from lying any further. Since she does the finances, check the credit card bills or bank statements to see if any money is missing. Are you kids in school?? Could she be meeting him during the day if so??

 

 

I'd quote the whole post from Mz.Pixie because I agree with it all, but I know you've read it twice. Read the paragraph above again though. Everything she's told you is spot on, but this part is particularly important.

 

You have to understand that you cannot proceed with repairing your marriage while there's an ACTIVE AFFAIR underfoot. It can't be done.

 

Cheaters lie until the proof is rubbed on their noses. That's just the way it is. Even when the do 'come clean', they still won't tell you more than absolutely necessary.

 

Cheaters are people. They may be doing a bad thing, but that doesn't mean they don't feel guilty about it. Doubtless you'd have heard it all by now if she wasn't concerned about your feelings....as well as the continuation of the financial security you represent. Whatever.... The bottom line is that if she's having an affair, she's highly motivated NOT to tell you the truth.

 

Further, if you tip your hand before you have incontrovertable proof, you'll drive the affair underground. You can't afford to be reactive just now.

 

 

p.s. Do NOT move out of your home before obtaining legal advice. It would be a very BAD MOVE.