My ex gf is so hot/cold? What to I do?

[Wartortle]

background 

we broke up after 7 years, just 2 months before our 8th anniversary We had a bad 12 months due to many external stressors. But we had years of good memories. We met in college, and went through many milestones together over the years but I took her for granted. 

April

I contact her. And she said she doesn't want to make things work. It's done. I've hurt her and it's not something she wants. she is angry and doesn’t even want engage is polite small talk 
 

2 weeks later she contacts me asking what would change in the relationship. We talk a while about the issues then the next day she says she doesn't want to get back together. It’s not something she once. She tells me to leave her alone. She seemed very angry

May

Middle of May. She calls me middle of the night. She is upset and crying. She says she is finding life hard without me. She was scared of losing me. We meet the next day for coffee, things go well. We talk about the issues and find solutions. Rest of May I got into a motorbike accident so I was unable to leave my apartment. She called me every 1-2 days. Just to check how I was doing

June 

She asks me come stay at her place. I agree. We both have time off work and we go on amazing dates. We both have a fun time but back at her place she seems closed off. I know she is hurt but it stopped us from making in progress. We did kiss however but it just wasn't working as I think we both were afraid of getting hurt. When I was leaving she asked is this goodbye forever. can we make this work. My last day here she buys me medicine (have to take some painkillers etc since the accident) 

I call her a few days later. She says she doesn’t see a future. She hangs up the phone. A week later she text me to see if I am okay.

she texts a few days later saying she can’t walk away.

July

She calls to say she misses me. She can't let me go but is very confused. She says she loves me but is hurt and angry at me. She can't trust me. I tell her how much she means to me. And tell her the changes I’ve made in my life (new job, losing weight, stop drinking, new apartment). She said she needs time 

I call her few days later. But she completely flips. She says she doesn't want anything to do with me. You hurt me and I can't come back. I started crying and getting upset. She then said stop this or I will block you. 

I later text her, just saying sorry. She doesn't reply back. I think when she sees me upset it makes her feel guilty or sad/angry 

what do I do? 
 

it’s her 30th birthday tomorrow. I’m not sure if I should even text her. It might ruin her day or make her upset. We had a trip booked to Las Vegas. 
 

she loves and cares for me. But she seems to have gone back to anger stage again. And forcing her self to move on without me 

Edited July 26 by Wartortle

[Gebidozo]

What exactly did you do to hurt her when you were together? 

I’m surprised you’ve endured her crazy post-breakup behavior for several months. You probably feel very guilty about whatever it is that you’ve done.

You can’t get back together with her at this point, though. She is not in a good mental state, and it’s absolutely pointless and quite harmful to initiate something now.

Crying, begging, pressuring her, or any other action that affects her emotionally are even worse. Please break off all contact with her. You both need time to heal.

[Wartortle]

22 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

What exactly did you do to hurt her when you were together? 

I’m surprised you’ve endured her crazy post-breakup behavior for several months. You probably feel very guilty about whatever it is that you’ve done.

You can’t get back together with her at this point, though. She is not in a good mental state, and it’s absolutely pointless and quite harmful to initiate something now.

Crying, begging, pressuring her, or any other action that affects her emotionally are even worse. Please break off all contact with her. You both need time to heal.

I neglected the relationship . We both wanted kids. We rented an apartment in a high crime area. So I was working a lot, getting promotions, so we could buy a house somewhere safe to have children 

I neglected her, I was so worn out from work I didn’t date her, spend quality time etc. there was a time I was working 80 hours a week. i slept a lot.  I didn’t realise what I was doing. I neglected the relationship in order to secure a home for us. It’s my fault, I lost sight of what was really important to me 

I knew it was her dream to have children. It was mine as well. 

I endure because I love and care for her. And I know she does. 

okay at this point I know I can’t. Anything I say or do will make it worse. What should I do? Or do I just give her time and let her come to me? 

part of me thinks it’s over for good but she said that a few times. I feel she is afraid of getting hurt again or maybe she think I can’t change 
 

Edited July 26 by Wartortle

[Gebidozo]

You were working 80 hours a week? That’s insane. With such a load, how can anyone expect you to date?

Was she working at all? Has she expressed her discomfort over you neglecting her?

It looks like her love to you has waned, faded. I don’t think it can be rekindled. In any case, she is in a bad mental state and you absolutely must leave her alone for now. Don’t hope that she will come back. It doesn’t matter if you become better and nicer or whatever now. Try to move on.

[Wartortle]

12 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

You were working 80 hours a week? That’s insane. With such a load, how can anyone expect you to date?

Was she working at all? Has she expressed her discomfort over you neglecting her?

It looks like her love to you has waned, faded. I don’t think it can be rekindled. In any case, she is in a bad mental state and you absolutely must leave her alone for now. Don’t hope that she will come back. It doesn’t matter if you become better and nicer or whatever now. Try to move on.

Yes I know I shouldn’t have done that. I should have listened to her. But I wanted to get away from this high crime area. 80 hours is bad for your own health. 

yes she worked but she had to take a pay cut and work less hours as her place of work was in trouble 

What makes you think the love has faded? my gut thinks there is a chance but she has been in a bad mental state since the break up. Form what she tells me and form her actions. 

But I know I must not contact her. We still have each other on social media. But try not to look at her profile.

 

why do you think there has been so much hot and cold form her? It’s really confusing for me 

Edited July 26 by Wartortle

[Gebidozo]

5 hours ago, Wartortle said:

What makes you think the love has faded?

From my experience, “I love you but you’ve hurt me too much, so I can’t be with you” = “I don’t love you anymore”.

 

5 hours ago, Wartortle said:

why do you think there has been so much hot and cold form her?

It’s common post-breakup behavior, though in her case it’s a bit radical. People get nostalgic, mourn the “could have been” scenario, yet at the same time realize it’s over.

[ExpatInItaly]

I would bet any money she's been seeing someone else and she comes to you for attention when she's not getting it from him. 

Edited July 26 by ExpatInItaly

[ShyViolet]

How many times do you need this woman to tell you it's over and she wants nothing to do with you, before you believe her?  No healthy relationship involves this much turbulence and switching between extremes (I miss you, I want nothing to do with you).  It's obvious that its too far gone to salvage.  Stop allowing her to keep coming in and out of your life over and over.    If she can't make the decision once and for all that it's over, and stick to it, then you need to be the one to make the decision.