Does it mean anything or am I overthinking.

[jake2123]

Hi all,

Just a quick one I think I have an idea but just sounding it out. 

Recently been speaking to my ex, I still have feelings but she initiated the conversation. 

Anyway after a bit I offered to meet up, she said she needed more space before meeting which I totally get but agreed to meet up on August 1st. Then she's said she is struggling to see a future still and doesn't want to be dishonest with me. 

I can accept all of this just wondering why she would agree to meet up if there is no chance from her. 

Is she doing this to be nice or as she feels she should?

Is it a safety net set incase her feelings change?

Is it her way of giving herself time to lose all feelings before meeting so she can think with her head not her heart?

 Is it it something else entirely that I just can't understand/think of. 

Thanks in advance!

 

 

[jake2123]

Now it's 'il keep thinking until we meet up. I didn't expect any of this, the work you've done for yourself, it's just a lot to take in' 

 

Honestly no idea where I stand and I think that's the most annoying part. 

[basil67]

23 minutes ago, jake2123 said:

I can accept all of this just wondering why she would agree to meet up if there is no chance from her. 

It's likely about her trying to find closure

[jake2123]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

It's likely about her trying to find closure

Hadnt thought of that. 

Why then say she'll think about the future possibilities though? Just overthinking?

[Gebidozo]

It could be any of the reasons you mentioned. As long as the reason is not getting back together (and it’s not), it doesn’t matter. Don’t try to understand. She is your ex, it’s over. I think meeting her at this point isn’t a good idea. No contact works much better in the initial stages of separation.

[MsJayne]

If you ended things on an amicable note, is it really necessary to have a meet up? If you're trying to move on it won't help to be hanging on to some hope that she'll change her mind. She said she's "struggling to see a future" with you, so a post-break-up conference probably isn't going to be of any real benefit to you. As you're the one who suggested it I'm thinking she's just being nice by accepting with conditions. Maybe she's hoping that by giving you another couple of weeks you'll be less vulnerable around her and she can deliver the news that it's properly over without you getting emotional. 

[jake2123]

5 hours ago, MsJayne said:

If you ended things on an amicable note, is it really necessary to have a meet up? If you're trying to move on it won't help to be hanging on to some hope that she'll change her mind. She said she's "struggling to see a future" with you, so a post-break-up conference probably isn't going to be of any real benefit to you. As you're the one who suggested it I'm thinking she's just being nice by accepting with conditions. Maybe she's hoping that by giving you another couple of weeks you'll be less vulnerable around her and she can deliver the news that it's properly over without you getting emotional. 

Yeah that's fair although I wouldn't say I've been emotional. I've probably been more realistic and honest. She says she is still thinking but Imo she would know one way or the other now. 

I'm happy to meet up mainly because she's been a support for me while my dad has been ill and it will be good to vent some of that to her if nothing else. 

[ExpatInItaly]

14 hours ago, jake2123 said:

I can accept all of this just wondering why she would agree to meet up if there is no chance from her. 

Is she doing this to be nice or as she feels she should?

Ptobably this, yes. 

I once did the same with an ex. I thought I was being kind and friendly when I agreed to meet up, but later realized how misguided this was since he was still harbouring hope we'd re-unite. I don't think meeting up is a good idea, jake. What purpose is it meant to serve, and what is the risk to your heart? 

[jake2123]

38 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Ptobably this, yes. 

I once did the same with an ex. I thought I was being kind and friendly when I agreed to meet up, but later realized how misguided this was since he was still harbouring hope we'd re-unite. I don't think meeting up is a good idea, jake. What purpose is it meant to serve, and what is the risk to your heart? 

Honestly I don't know. She's been honest and said she will keep thinking about if there's a future but she knows my mind might change in that time. 

I think she's hoping it does so there's no awkwardness but while it's not yet I think why not. I've got nothing to lose planning to meet up in the future. 

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, jake2123 said:

I've got nothing to lose planning to meet up in the future. 

Except any progress you hve made towards healing.

Just be careful with your heart here. It might hurt a lot more than you expect to see her and then still watch her walk away without you. 

[Lotsgoingon]

Oh come on: exes often try to let the dumped person down easy. They will meet with them, say how much they value them, even say how much they "love" the dumped person.

There is nothing complicated here. This attempt at "niceness" is a mistake--because staying in contact with the dumped partner just raises the hopes of the partner for reconciling.

Your ex's behavior is an example of bad "niceness"---going silent and no contact is far better for the dumped person, who can then focus on healing and moving on. 

[mark clemson]

21 hours ago, jake2123 said:

Honestly no idea where I stand and I think that's the most annoying part. 

I think you do, or perhaps you SHOULD but you're in denial about it or clinging to hope.

It can be easier said than done, but suggest you don't let yourself be "strung along" - it may delay your emotional "recuperation" and waste weeks of your life that could be better spent if you just moved on.

Edited July 14, 2024 by mark clemson

[jake2123]

So I get everyone's points her. However I think they are a very negative look at this. Since my last update I haven't said anything to her. 

She has massaged to say the following 'Hey! So I'm not saying we have a future as I don't want to string you along but I want to keep thinking about us. You have done so much, I wish you had done this when we had our initial chat in February, but what's done is done. I also know your mind might change and if it does that's fine. I think I might see a future but I need to think more and see if you continue your work. I'm sorry if that sounds really controling but I can't see it if you don't. I get it if you don't think that's okay but I would like to see what happens possibly. Let me know what you think!'

I don't know I know I said I would like her back but I don't want to keep being strung along. Not knowing what is happening. I'm going to keep working on me for me. To do it with a different motive doesn't seem great to me. 

[ShyViolet]

She basically IS stringing you along.  She keeps telling you "maybe we have a future, maybe we don't."  She is very ambivalent and unsure about getting back together.  What exactly is the point of this meet-up?  I don't see how it serves any purpose.  You still have feelings for her, she doesn't want to make any clear decision about getting back together with you, and this is only going to delay your ability to move on and get over this breakup.  "Meeting up" with your ex is usually not a good idea.

Edited July 15, 2024 by ShyViolet

[jake2123]

3 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

She basically IS stringing you along.  She keeps telling you "maybe we have a future, maybe we don't."  She is very ambivalent and unsure about getting back together.  What exactly is the point of this meet-up?  I don't see how it serves any purpose.  You still have feelings for her, she doesn't want to make any clear decision about getting back together with you, and this is only going to delay your ability to move on and get over this breakup.  "Meeting up" with your ex is usually not a good idea.

Knowing her I don't think she is. She is very indecisive so I think she is probably having the same issue here. 

While I get that I have processed and accepted that we probably aren't going to get back together, only probably as you never say never, and I'm at peace with that. 

I understand not meeting up, but I think I also owe it to myself to hear her out good bad or indifferent.

[basil67]

Another vote for her stringing you along.   I'd argue that anyone who wants a break, is stringing the other along.   Yes, being decisive takes guts, but being gutless doesn't give us the right to leave the other on hold while we figure out what the heck we may want.   It's selfish.

[ExpatInItaly]

I wonder if she’s already met someone else. 

[jake2123]

I do get the selfish point but I also know that I wasnt perfect and she has told me she was thinking this was all over in her mind and was ready for it but my attitude and stuff has made her doubt it. 

I had wondered that she had met someone else but I doubt it, something I won't know. 

[flitzanu]

bigger question here is why do you want to be with someone that isn't sure they want to be with you?

 

think of this in terms of a job, just like a professional working relationship.

if your boss fires you, and then later says "oh, well maybe i dont want to fire you completely, how about you come work for free and show me how capable you are and maybe after i decide you are worth i''ll pay you wages again but until then just come work for free and do things my way"

does that sound reasonable?

Edited July 15, 2024 by flitzanu

[jake2123]

1 hour ago, flitzanu said:

bigger question here is why do you want to be with someone that isn't sure they want to be with you?

 

think of this in terms of a job, just like a professional working relationship.

if your boss fires you, and then later says "oh, well maybe i dont want to fire you completely, how about you come work for free and show me how capable you are and maybe after i decide you are worth i''ll pay you wages again but until then just come work for free and do things my way"

does that sound reasonable?

I mean you've described a trail day which is more common but not after a payed placed. 

Idk I'm obviously being optimistic maybe wrongly but I can accept it all. It's just the mixed messages that I've been confused by. 

I guess that goes back to the week before we broke up I spent 3 out of 5 nights staying at her house, which made me confused from the start. The day of I was at her other house, she's selling one helping to get things done for the sale and all seemed okay. If there was a definite reaction one way or another I guess I would be better. 

[Alpacalia]

You sound like a great person and have a lot of insight and understanding.

I think its admirable you have grown in this way. However, of course, I don't know but I am guessing that maybe she's still attracted to you and still has feelings but probably does not see a long term future. Have zero expectations for any outcome. Just go out, have a good time and enjoy yourself. Allow yourself to be yourself and have fun. Do what you like to do not what you think she wants you to do.

Edited July 15, 2024 by Alpacalia

[jake2123]

5 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

You sound like a great person and have a lot of insight and understanding.

I think its admirable you have grown in this way. However, of course, I don't know but I am guessing that maybe she's still attracted to you and still has feelings but probably does not see a long term future. Have zero expectations for any outcome. Just go out, have a good time and enjoy yourself. Allow yourself to be yourself and have fun. Do what you like to do not what you think she wants you to do.

Thank you. 

I know that's what she is struggling with and that's fine. I know why it is an issue for her, I couldn't see a future or imagine one due to what was going on, I didn't know where I fitted in the world once my dad had passed. Now I have started to process this and work on it I can. I know that was a big part of her issue, but I'm not working on it for her, partially maybe but really so that I can have a healthy relationship in the future with whoever that may be. 

Of course it might be her or it might not be. 

Just got to set sail and see where the wind takes me. 

[Alpacalia]

16 minutes ago, jake2123 said:

Thank you. 

I know that's what she is struggling with and that's fine. I know why it is an issue for her, I couldn't see a future or imagine one due to what was going on, I didn't know where I fitted in the world once my dad had passed. Now I have started to process this and work on it I can. I know that was a big part of her issue, but I'm not working on it for her, partially maybe but really so that I can have a healthy relationship in the future with whoever that may be. 

Of course it might be her or it might not be. 

Just got to set sail and see where the wind takes me. 

Is there a reason you're still talking to your ex? I'm sorry about your dad. Do you feel like you have specific things you still need to say or work through?

[jake2123]

5 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Is there a reason you're still talking to your ex? I'm sorry about your dad. Do you feel like you have specific things you still need to say or work through?

I think there's still a connection there and that I let her down by not dealing with it earlier leaving her with no.other option. I do think there's some unfinished things but also because I think it was worth saving. We both admitted it was great. I have now started , nowhere near finished, to work through things, find enjoyment in things I avoided, realise what I was using as coping strategies and I can see it from her side now. I'm not coming at it from an emotional omg she's dumped me I'm more of a oh I can see why and this is what I think I can do to make it better, but not expecting it to fix it. If I do chat and it doesn't work I can't beat myself up for not putting into practise what I have learnt about myself. 

[Alpacalia]

20 hours ago, jake2123 said:

I think there's still a connection there and that I let her down by not dealing with it earlier leaving her with no.other option. I do think there's some unfinished things but also because I think it was worth saving. We both admitted it was great. I have now started , nowhere near finished, to work through things, find enjoyment in things I avoided, realise what I was using as coping strategies and I can see it from her side now. I'm not coming at it from an emotional omg she's dumped me I'm more of a oh I can see why and this is what I think I can do to make it better, but not expecting it to fix it. If I do chat and it doesn't work I can't beat myself up for not putting into practise what I have learnt about myself. 

Again, I am so sorry you lost your father,  that is so awful and I am so sorry for your pain. It's totally understandable that you struggled after losing him, and it's great that you are taking the time to work through your own issues now. 

It's not fair or healthy to put all of the responsibility for the relationship on yourself. I'm sure there were things that both of you could have done differently or better in the relationship. So while it's great that you are recognizing your own mistakes, be careful not to put all of the blame on yourself.