Donnam1993 Posted July 29 Share Posted July 29 (edited) Quick backstory. We have been dating for almost 5 years. a year into the relationship, I moved 500 miles to be with him. Around a year ago, someone very close in my family was sick, and passed away. This majorly freaked me out as I was living so far away, and only just made it back home to be able to say goodbye. I wasn't happy living with him at the time. He lives with his Mum, and I just felt like we were locked in the one room, and were understandably arguing constantly. So, a year ago I moved back home. We are long distance currently. I got my old job back, and I am quite content to be honest. I'm really close to my family, so its nice being able to be around them again. The last month or so, my boyfriend has basically said 'move back or we're finished'. I'm just so scared to move again. I'll be quitting a decent job, there's no option to transfer, and I don't currently have a job lined up. I have tried before, when I was living with him and his mum to find flats or houses to rent, but there's always an issue, and he doesn't want to move out. I'm just so lost on what to do. I have a gut instinct to stay here, but then we'll break up, and I'm so scared I'll always regret it. What would you do in this situation? Thank you for any answers forgot to add, I've tried asking him if he would be willing to move to where I am, but it's a flat out No. He won't talk about it. Edited July 29 by Donnam1993 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 29 Share Posted July 29 To make a relationship work, you both have to prioritise what needs to be done to sustain the relationship. In your case, he's a grown man who doesn't want to move out/move to you. And you don't want to leave your job and (quite understandably) move back in with his mum Given that both of you have your heels dug in, I think that breaking up is long overdue What do you think you'll regret? Do you not ever fantasise about being single and being able to start a new life without this dead wood holding you back? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted July 29 Share Posted July 29 You said that you're quite content where you are now. Your descriptions of the situation of living together with him and his mother do not express content, at all. What does this tell you? You do not need to cling on to a relationship that is not showing you any path forward, you know. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted July 30 Share Posted July 30 Being in a relationship requires both partners to make compromises. You moved in with him and his mother, it didn’t work. You suggested to him to move out, move closer to you, it didn’t work. You’ve made your share of compromises, it’s his turn now. Instead, he’s giving you an ultimatum. His frustration is understandable, but his unwillingness to do anything to make this relationship work probably means that he isn’t ready yet to have a mature romantic relationship. It’s a tough situation for you, but I think you should gently, yet firmly communicate to him the simple truth that you’ve tried, but he hasn’t. The ball is on his side of the court now. He needs to either accept the LDR or move closer to you. If he still insists on his ultimatum, I’m afraid there is nothing else you can do. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted July 30 Share Posted July 30 Follow your gut feeling. What is there to regret? Out of those 5 years sounds like only the first year was good. He sounds selfish and childish. You've outgrown him. You will meet someone else. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 30 Share Posted July 30 I I would tell him that you have already made a significant sacrifice to be together - you moved previously and lived for four years with your boyfriend and his mother. It’s now his turn to sacrifice - if he wants to be together, he either agrees to move out of his mother’s home (if you move back) or he moves to live with you… because, it sounds like you don’t want to move back and that’s ok. It may mean that this relationship has run its course - and that’s ok. When my boyfriend asked me to move in, I said no initially. I told him that the decision was causing me a lot of stress because I was the person taking all the risk/making the sacrifice to be together… the next day, he made a decision (he made his own sacrifice) because he wanted to be together. If your boyfriend wants to be with you, he will do what is required to make that happen. Best wishes. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted July 30 Share Posted July 30 Also - you've already got through most of the hardest parts: Moving away and getting back involved with your family and a job. This is great progress towards leaving this unhealthy and unfulfilling situation behind you. Keep going forward. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 30 Share Posted July 30 21 hours ago, Donnam1993 said: he doesn't want to move out. This right here would tell me we are not in the same place in life anymore. He is welome to live with Mama if he wants to, but he's living in Fantasy Land if he thinks most women would be interested in joining him there. That and the fact that he appears unwilling to compromise? I think you know this relationship has likely come to its end. 3 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 30 Share Posted July 30 20 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: He is welome to live with Mama if he wants to, but he's living in Fantasy Land if he thinks most women would be interested in joining him there. There is not a hope in hell that I would agree to live long term with my boyfriend and his mother… it would only ever be a very short term solution, while waiting to take possession of an apartment or a home. Not many women would agree to his plan, I do t think you should feel guilty for a second about the fact that you don’t want to live with his mother. I think though, you don’t want to move back to the same city… and that’s a bigger problem. You are not compatible anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted July 30 Share Posted July 30 23 hours ago, Donnam1993 said: What would you do in this situation? Thank you for any answers forgot to add, I've tried asking him if he would be willing to move to where I am, but it's a flat out No. He won't talk about it. I'd tell him to take a long walk off a short pier. And just to be clear, I'm a person who has moved countries to be with my husband. But that was a mutual decision that was made after discussing other potential solutions, and I was the one who offered. If he's giving you an ultimatum to move but he won't even consider moving himself, what does that say about him? Do you think that sort of person is worth moving for? Do you think that's the kind of thing that a good partner who cares about you would do? He's showing you his true colours here. Run. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted August 2 Share Posted August 2 I would never consider it. He’s not really offering you anything! Not even a place for the two of you. He’s not willing to consider coming to you. Seems like it has to be his way. No thank you!!! and notice he didn’t give you a ring and a date to marry? He’s offering you zero future! Link to post Share on other sites
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