Taking a Break?

[insomnie]

First, I've been lurking on these boards for a while and I must say I'm kind of addicted to reading the threads. You are all really caring people who offer great advice.

 

Now for my situation...

 

I am twenty years old. I've been together with my boyfriend for a year and a half. We met on the first day of college and have been together ever since. I love him a lot and do not want to be with anyone else, either now or long-term. He also tells me that I am the kind of person he wants to marry. All in all, we have a great reltionship. We're the kind of couple who say I love you every three seconds, etc. However, we have been busy these past few months and I feel like we've stopped being as good friends as we were at the start. The sexual part is starting to get worse, too- we are basically getting too lazy to mess around. I am still attracted to him, but in a rational kind of way- I think he is attractive, but don't wnat to touch him. So basically, I feel like we've gotten the love and commitment part down, but, as of late, have begun lacking in the friends and sex buddies areas. Which are, of course, important.

 

I'm also kinda bored. We act like an old married couple a lot of the time and I feel like I'm missing out on going out and doing social things.

 

A few days ago I told him I wanted to take a break. He agreed, telling me he still wanted me in his life as a friend until I figured out what I wanted out of the relationship. I think what I want is a new start. For us to date again. That butterfly feeling in my stomach. And also not to have doubts anymore, because I don't want the kind of relationship where we break up and get back together every month.

 

Generally I do agree that people who take breaks probably shouldn't be together, but I don't want to do this to see other people. He's just my first real boyfriend. I haven't been alone since I started dating, and I don't want to be committed now only to end it several years later when we're married and I realize I can't be sure about him because we started too early too fast and I never took the time to learn anything. I would also like the time to work on myself without the pressure to be head over heels in love with him every breathing moment.

 

I guess I am on here to find out what other people think of this kind of break. On the one hand I feel selfish for initating it, and I am also paranoid that when I am ready to come back he will have moved on, but on the other I feel like I need to do this once and for all to get some space and start anew.

 

Sorry if this post has been hard to follow. Any thoughts will be greatly appreciated.

[l13578920001]

Yeah I know how that is, I have been lurking on the boards to, first of all this is the same thing that my whatever is doing to me, we are on week two. She did this two days before christmas she is also twenty, weird anyway look breaks are selfish, but

 

I am going to give adivce but I have a question. What does working on yourself mean, how do you do that. That is the same thing I heard. THis is the exact same situation. My thing is that if there is a problem, you both should work on it together. Tell him how you feel. If he is a good guy and loves you you can do a lot of things except take a break. You can call each other less.

 

I know that a break can ruin a lot of things, if you truly want a break than he is not the guy for you. If you get back together he will be paranoid or resentful. If you do get back together you have to realize this and really work with him to basically make it up to him

[insomnie]

I read over my post and I guess it's been kinda unclear. To reiterate:

 

Has anyone ever heard of a break strengthening a relationship, instead of the other way around? Can it ever be a positive thing, or does it always spell doom, either becuase of what it represents (problems) or because of the feelings it leaves behind?

[datboispiggs]

If he says he wants to take a break he wants to clear his head cause you're crowding him. Either that or he's got a plan. Depends what kind of person you're dealing with. I myself would do it to clear my head and decide my next move in life and if you were to be involved is totally his decision. You can't hate him no matter how bad you want to. You once shared a period in your lives together and why pin over why it didnt work out. I broke up with my ex when I graduated high school. Am now 23 and we had very little contact. She came up to me at a party awhile back and told me she was with a guy for 2 years ( with me about 6 months) and said she's never had a guy show her how to love someone. She started crying and I told her to stop. She's now engaged and telling me this stuff I was a little in awe. I told her to just shut up ( in a nice way) cause she's happy and if we would have continued our relationship she would or wouldnt have been in the position. Just sit back keep yourself occupied. I know at times I get in a habit of question my recent break up but its been so off and on lately that I'm gonna just let time take its course. Which is how I got over my first girlfriend. I chased after her when I regretted my decision but she made her deciision based on mine. We get a long fine noow days. Dont call her or nothing but when she knows I'm somewhere she is she'll call me to see where I'm at and to say hi and thats good enough for me. I atleast touched her heart and thats the greatest feeling ever. Everything happens for a reason. Always believe that. Of course you love him we all love our ex's to some extent but we can't change their decision. They have to see what you had to offer. My best advice is let him date other woman. If its within a week he's trying to fill an emotional or physical void. If he sleeps with someone dont take it personally. He looks dirty and you don't thats the greatest revenge. Dont try to get back at him by sleeping with his friends. Just play your cards right and maybe he'll realize that life with you wasnt so bad. Much love girl and hang in there. Out

[oss91]

Taking a break or needing space in a relationship doesn't necessarily need to be the end. Sometimes people just need to do their own thing for a while - sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn't. When I first started college I told me girlfriend that I wanted some space. I know it was incredibly hard on her. It's not that I didn't like her any less, I just wanted to be "free" for a while and figure things out on my own. I eventually realized what I had in her, that I really cared for her, and we got back together. Now, she is the one who wants to take and break and needs space. She has questions in her life that need to be answered. She feels as though I have been her "security blanket" and she doesn't like that. And honestly, I don't want anyone that attached to me. I don't like the idea that she is taking a break, but I respect her decision and will give her what she asks. We may get back together and we may not, but this is definitely something she needs to do for herself. Just about any relationship that goes on for more than a year will go through a "break" that is initiated by only one person. It's hard, but many times necessary. IMO, taking a break can strengthen a relationship because it forces both parties to step backwards and reevaluate the situation. If the break is entered into upon good terms without any resentment or clinging, then getting back together is a real possibility if given time.

[canuckgirl]

Thanks guys.. I'm so glad I found this post. My bf broke up with me saying he needed some time to think about things in his life. He just turned 27.. I've had friends tell me that many guys go through that phase of freaking out about life around that age.. has this happened to anyone? He told me that he was afraid of getting married to me and regretting not experiencing more in life. He said he needed to figure out more about his life on his own. He also said that it doesn't mean that we won't ever be together. I emailed him saying I didn't want this to end.. and hoping he wasn't making an irrational decision. I have a feeling he might be depressed (winter doesn't help) and I want to help him.. but I've been in similar position were I just needed to be alone by myself for a while and think about my life. I responded back that I'll respect his decision and I was glad that he was a part of my life. Its so hard but I've been true to my word and NC. I believe he should be the one to contact me first.

OSS91, do you have any advice for me since you've been in the other position. I love him so much. Right now I'm just trying to focus on myself. It's weird cause in some ways I'm glad that we have this time away from each other cause like you said it gives you time to step back and reevaluate things. And I know that I want to still be with him.. but if it doesn't work out.. it will hurt but I will feel blessed that we were a part of each others lives.

[oss91]

Canuckgirl -

 

My only advice would be to give him what he is asking for, in this case it is time and space. I'm sure throughout your relationship you have tried hard to give him, within a reasonable means so as not to jeopardize your own well-being, what he has asked for. This situation is really no different. I know I have tried to provide my girlfriend with all that she has asked for, with support and respect while at the same time not being judgmental or possessive. It's hard, but there's really no other choice right now. Let them go and do things on their own for a little while. Don't initiate contact; keep them guessing about what you're up to. Once they begin to get curious about your activities, you again enter their thoughts, and that drives up attraction. The more you think about someone, the more you are attracted to them. Your ex said that he may wish to get back together with you a little while down the road. My ex said pretty much told me, roughly two weeks after our break, that she wants to be with me again later on down the road. Im sure she meant it at the time, and probably still does, as does your boyfriend. Just let him figure it out on his own. There's nothing wrong with you, nor me, it just really is one of those situations where the other person gets a little scared b/c they feel as though they're missing out on something. All you can do is improve upon yourself. Exercise, work on yourself, try and move on. He'll call you again and wish to meet up, and if you've been improving yourself - both mentally and physically - that attraction will start to build again. Remember, the attraction is there, he just needs to remember that. However, it may not work out in the end for you both. But that's not really something you, nor I, can afford to worry about right now. Just keep moving forward, regardless of his decision. Once he sees that you're still moving forward and optimistic about your future, that becomes a huge turn on for most people.

[canuckgirl]

OSS91

 

I really appreciate you sharing your experience. I feel so content right now (and no longer hurt, sadness or angry). I realize that he has a lot going on in his life (long story) and can now see why he needs this time to be alone and figure himself out. I care and love him deeply and will give him time and space he needs. In the meantime this actually gives me time to take care of myself and try to figure myself out as well!! As hard as it may be I will be willing to let go of him if it doesn't work out. Thanks again and all the best wishes to you.

[canuckgirl]

Well he emailed me and wanted to know what I was up to and how I was doing and how New Years was. I kept the reply short and sweet. I told him I was doing ok and listed what I was up to. And I told him that I now realize that he needs this time alone and that I trust he will figure out what he needs to figure out. and not worry, cause I know that he can handle it. He also said he hopes he has made the right choice but something was telling him he made a mistake. But also that he hopes in 6 months he'll know where he will be in his life. That's a long time for me to wait for him. So I now realize that I must move on. And not think "what if we get back together". If it was meant to be it will happen.. but if not I'm moving on and I will cherish all the good times we had together. So I don't know if this helps anyone going through the samething.. or if I'm doing the right thing. But I love and care about him that much and feel it is the right thing to do. Thanks.. writing this helps me so much. Well I'm off to do something fun!!

[riobikini]

canuckgirl:

 

The sequence of events in your relationship sound VERY NORMAL.

 

Whether you buy it or not, -most couples experience a SNAP! in the relationship bringing the initial fiery 'We're-so-in-love' stage to a 'breaking' point.

 

Your partner may be an unwilling participant, but this is the break where you both will be assessing whether your feelings are absolute and you should move closer, -or whether you should go your separate ways.

 

It is no less painful under these or other circumstances and is sometimes quite confusing for one or both of the partners.

 

The initial stage of falling in love can be described as getting sucked into a vacuum where others only exist OUTSIDE of your rosy, romantic world.

 

You both may become alienated from important 'others' (family, close friends) for weeks or months and lose touch with those relationships due to the driving obsession to be with each other.

 

When the relationship has been explored to it's romantic limits within this first stage of love, our emotions are exhausted from the constant 'high' delivered by the hormones being produced in mass by the excitement of exploration and discovery of each other.

 

But during the exploration and discovery, we are not only finding things about each other we LIKE, -we are also running across traits, behavior, and characteristics we DO NOT LIKE, as well.

 

We only 'log' our dislikes of our partner, for now, and 'forgive' them for the moment.

 

Later, as the information builds up, our natural human instinct to 'review' the info and analyze it begins to nag us.

 

Humans do have the ability to love, but they also have intelligence which DEMANDS explanation of behavior, proof, validation, and reassurance of (especially) romantic emotions, and asks questions that require answers.

 

After all, we DO have to live with OURSELVES, as well as our partner, -don't we?

 

In other words, we come back to the 'needs' department of our true selves and assess whether or not we are lying to ourselves about the relationship or whether we can stamp our approval on it for further commitment.

 

And that takes time.

 

A break is necessary.

 

It is necessary to assess, analyze, and regroup our info.

 

If the relationship can survive the 'break', and careful analyzation turns up in favor of continuing with the relationship, the second stage of love becomes less spontaneous, thus, less production of those fiery, bouncing hormones, and subsequently, a feeling that the relationship may be, in a specific way, -less exciting than in the first stage.

 

But it's simply the formation of a different TYPE of excitement, one that is based on a more mature concept of where you are headed in the relationship now.

 

You are more sure, more stable and this tones down the feeling of constant, panting giddiness of first falling in love.

 

The second stage CAN still be very exciting due to it's becoming what I note as the 'building' phase, although, during this stage, your feet will actually be touching the ground much more and you will remove your head from the clouds from time to time to carefully montior where you're going.

 

Stage Two is where vital long-term commitment and future planning takes place, which, again, will cause a particular TYPE of excitement.

 

It's when property is often purchased together, family again becomes important, and, later, bank accounts are meshed.

 

There is a new feeling of comfort, assurance and trust, -a deepening of emotions- and you begin to rediscover yourself and your partner in a new light, and in new roles.

 

This stage will also take you, as a couple, through further changes as the relationship continues to develop.

 

Remember: in a real relationship love is BORN, and grows, matures and changes, -just like the human organism it emerges from.

 

Hope this helps.

 

Take care.

 

-Rio

[WindDrifter]

insomnie,

 

How are feeling now? I was reading your situation and you are right you are my girlfriend.

 

I really do believe she just wants some wild time and by that I don't mean sleeping around but maybe just partying. I think we as a couple have also been very busy and stressed. I remeber now how she also misses that spark when you first get together. Like you I am also her first real boyfriend that she has fallen in love with so she is just unsure.

 

My concern is how much wild time does someone need? I can't wait forever. We need to be fair to each other.

 

I love her so much and I wish she just knew.

 

I hope this doens't become one of those... well it just wasn't the right time for either of you... so we never end up together. I don't want to look for mrs perfect when I have already known her for 2 years.

 

Any update insomnie you are the closet thing to my girlfriend right now?

 

Thanks,

WD

[WindDrifter]

Insomnie,

 

Read the following post might help your boyfriend more that you but it may be a way you both can approach things.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t39112/

Cheers,

WD

[canuckgirl]

Thanks Rio and WD. This place is really really helping me! Rio I liked how you explain how a relationship changes.. I believe there's a lot of people out there that don't know or forget its normal to go through those stages.

I'm really am starting to see things in a different way, thanks to you guys! I've also started reading Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus. (A book I've always wanted to read but didn't have a reason to until now) And its helping me understand why my ex felt like he needs this space. It explains how men are like rubber bands, when they get to the point of getting close to the othe person they pull away sometime and that they tend to deal with problems by going into their caves and mulling over it by themselves until they know the solution and thats when they will ask for help. So I now know that he needs to deal with this problem on his own. Even though I want to hold on to him forever cause I love him.. but I know that's not the best thing to do right now. Evern though its killing me cause all I want to do is hug him and help him through this issue (but that's how us girls tend to deal with problems.. we need to talk things out til we are blue in the face.. but this approach is not the best approach for him and so I will trust that he will figure out what he needs to figure out). So in the meantime I am focusing on myself and having fun and trying not to worry about him.. he will contact me if he needs to.. if not oh well... I will get over it and I will survive.

[riobikini]

To both Cannuckgirl & Insomnie,

 

Yes, -you will.

 

(Smile)

 

-Rio

[insomnie]

Riobikini, that was a great post analyzing the first stages of a relationship. I agree completely and well-put!

 

Winddrifter, sorry I haven't been posting. I just got back from a family trip and was really busy. I'm sorry that things still haven't worked themslves out the way you want with your girlfriend. It really sounds to me like she felt the way I do and just needs time. Perhaps wild time before settling down. How old is she? Since the very start of my relationship, I've wished I'd met my boyfriend a little bit later in life so we both had had the chance to date the wrong people before dating each other. As it is, I am completely sure that I want to be with him for the long run, but not so sure about now because I feel like I'm missing out on my single days when you're SUPPOSED to date the wrong guys so you appreciate the right one more when he comes around. I'd also like to fall back in love all over again, but this probably is a bad way to do it, as I think I'm starting to realize. An update on what is happening with us: after not seeing him for about 10 days, we got together to hang out and my feelings for him were so strong the moment I saw him that I began to cry. We couldn't keep our hands off each other even though we had agreed not to have sex. And here I was thinking that a major problem was a lack of lust. So that situation made me reconsider the reasons I had wanted to take a break, and now it seems dumb to me at this particular time. We obviously like each other a whole lot, we don't want to be with anyone else, and he's my best friend. We probably still need to try to get some spark back, but making him feel rejected, confused, and all that other stuff that comes when one person needs space is not a good option right now, when thigns seem to be going really well again. And for my wild time- I think I am just going to try to work on aspects of the relationship that we've previosuly neglected, like developing a network of mutual friedns so that when we want time away we with friends we are not automatically excluding each other. And spicing up our sex life to get the spark back. And maybe this time I won't let us get so friendly we forget to be crazy for each other.

 

I really think your girlfriend will come back to you soon, Winddrifter, and this time she'll likely be even more sure and committed than before. It just takes time. Don't push it. Use this time to work on yourself so that you have more to offer to her when she returns. I know you've probably heard that one before, the whole work on yourself theory, but that's probably because it creates a win- win situation. You become more attractive to her, thus speeding up this process, as well as everyone else; everyone likes you more, and in the process you've maybe made some new self discoveries; at the very least, you have stayed busy. So grab a book, work out, follow the news. When she comes back to you it will be better than ever before.

 

Good luck, my heart goes out to you.

[WindDrifter]

Canuckgirl - I am in the same situation as you but we haven't decided on 6 months hopefully it won't last another week but will have to see how it goes. Keep being strong and discovering more about yourself.

 

Insomnie - You are really starting to freak me out are you sure you don't live in Melbourne Australia? My g/f (i still call her that I don't want to call her anything else) and I have had the discussion a couple of times that everything would have been perfect if we had meet in a couple years. The problem is we haven't. I am so happy that you and your b/f are back together but to be honest my g/f and I have had a couple breaks over the last 2 years for the exact same reason always lasting a couple days. She would have these doubts and then in a couple days that pain would be too much so she would say I must want you if I am in so much pain but like clockwork every 4-6 months she would have some doubys. This time she didn't want a break but to break up so that she can really think about things. I really believe she loves me so much and hates it when she feels like this as she doens't want to hurt me. When she is with me she can't objectively decide what she wants as she loves me so much. To answer your questions my g/f is 23. We meet just before her 21. I am 26. She is currently studying and works part time. I work fulltime and study part time. So you can image over the last couple months since I started studying the time we have spent has always been rushed and what I realised is that i need to slow down and appreciate more things in my life. She often also tells how she gets sad sometimes that her and her girlfriends aren't the way they used to be. They used to go out partying and living it up going crazy but now everyone either has a boyfriend or the group has segmented itself into friend pairs. I think she may just want to see if she is missing out on something. I think she is also scared about the forever thing. You only get one life so you want to be sure but no one can tell you who is "the one" and I think that is what she wants. To add to this I am her first love. She has gone out with guys some who have treated her well and some who haven't but she has never been in love before so i think she thinks if you need to work at a relationship it might not be the right one.

 

One thing I have realised over this last week is that I need to focus more on myself and say no sometimes. I love to give and make others happy but I think I keep myself so busy that I don't take some me time and i don't really think I give that to her either. I am learning so much and as much as i want to be with her and hear the words "I do" I know that I have grown so much as a person.

 

You are all awesome thank you so much for yours words of support and expereinces. What would I have done without the internet?

 

Have a great weekend!

WD

[WindDrifter]

!!UPDATE!! (It great to share

 

I meet up with my gf today it was so awesome. She was waiting for me when I got to her house and just wanted to jump in my car and go but I told her I wanted to have a chat. I told her that I just wanted to reconfirm to her that I have had so much time to think and because of you guys I better understand why she wants space and also I understand how this will be great for both of us. It gives us both time to focus on ourselves. Be individual. We have promised that if we feel we want to kiss or sleep with another person we will first tell each other and see how it goes from there. We love each other and she is so happy that I understand that I can look at myself as well which is what she was hoping I would realise. We had the most awesome day. We went down to the beach had an incredible lunch. Walked along the peer went shopping had a coffee. We talked and some a little dirty to each other, held hands, hugged and held each other. We talked about what we did during the week and how we were addicted to each other. We talked about what got us through the week and how we dealt with it. We talked about when next we might sleep together. We both think we won't be able to resist in a week or two. We never kissed on the lips even though there were so many times we both wanted to. We only kissed lightly on the forehead or hand.

 

It was such a great day and I am sad it is over but I can't wait for her to call during the week and meet up again next week. We were both so excited and I am already getting excited for next week. She doesn't call me ex and I don't call her that either but she does say we have broken up which so do I but it feels more like a break.

 

i don't want to be with anyone and neither does she so hopefully over the next couple weeks that will stay the same and we will get together again for good. Look I could just be setting myself up for a big fall but I love her and I am willing to take the risk. After this last week I don't think anything can hurt as much.

 

WE parted ways and she said she was getting depressed again like we are breaking up again but I told her just think of when this is all over and we can really start over again. I feel okay today but in 6 days time it might be a different story.

 

On a side note she also said that in the first 6 months she wasn't that keen on me and I knew this as I was trying to impress and knew how great she was and acting like a person I thought she might like so after we broke up for 2 days I totally started being myself which she loved. Well since she sort of missed the first 6 months if we get back together it would be a new start and she would feel butterflies of falling in love again.

 

Well I will be off thanks again to everyone I love this discussion board and am so happy I found it. I will keep you updated on how it goes.

 

Time to find myself

 

Cheers,

WD

[WindDrifter]

!!UPDATE 2!!

 

Okay well I didn't think I would be posting again so soon but she called me last night. We had the whole day together and we said goodbye she was going to a bar to meet up with some friends. Both friends had been in bad break ups recently. It was good for her to talk to someone. Well after she gets back for the bar she decides she has to call me. She couldn't wait any more.

 

She said that when we started to leave the beach she started feeling depressed. When she got home after leaving me she thought she wouldn't go out as she was so sad but did which was good.

 

I was preparing myself for a couple days of nc but was so happy the day and gone so well. Then she calls out of the blue. I was so excited.

 

We chatted about things again which progressively made me feel worse. To sum it up she had an awesome day today with me. She loves me so much and is afraid of losing me. She said she doesn't know if oneday I will turn around and say thats it I don't want to be with you. Well I said thats what I am worried you might do. i told her that i love her and wanted us to be together. She also said that she sees us together in the future and gets so excited. I told her I needed her to do whatever she needed to do and come back to me so we could move on. She also said this which is confusing. She wants to feel single but at the moment doesn't but that isn't a bad thing. To me single means I want to see other poeple but she even said she just wants to feel like she has that option but not neccessarying use it. Confusing.

 

We also said that we would be honest and open about our feelings. We will talk to each other if we feel like we want to kiss or sleep with someone else. At that point I told her i don't know how I would feel about us. This scared her. I told her that for me to kiss or sleep with someone else I cann't be in love with someone. If I was to do it while in love then I could do it while we are married but she said no marriage is a totally different thing. Well for me its not. Love is what stops me from kissing another girl or being with another girl.

 

Saying that I really don't know how I would feel if she started kissing other poeple and so did I. i mean whatever she does I can do so maybe I can do it and still feel in love with her. I just don't know. This scares her.

 

Also we spoke about time. We did mention there was no time limit but things would be assessed in a couple of months. I was hoping this is all she would need now last night she says 6months at the MAX then yeah 1 year at the MAX MAX. Look there is no way I am going to wait around for someone to play with my heart. The reason this came up is because she said that she has never fealt ready for our relationship. Thats scares me because how long do you need. To me that sounds like a couple years. But she said no if she felt that way we would just end it.

 

I suppose right now I can say look maybe she is trying to have her cake and eat it. I want to be supportive and give her space but there will be a point where I won't wait any more.

 

I hate playing games and I am terrible at it. Sure I don't call her but when I am with her all my emotions gush out and I just say what i feel.

 

I guess all I can do is go along with seeing her 1 per week and chating during the week and see how we feel. Hopefully each day we meet up is as awesome as yesterday but I am scared of the day that changes.

 

I guess I have to live my life.

 

Here is a question. I told her I was going to go learn to dancing Swing alone. So this would mean dancing with a whole bunch of girls. on the morning we meet up she called me and first question was whether I had gone. I told her yes to make her jealous even though I hadn't. I could lie to her I later told her I hadn't I had just told her this to make her jealous. Was this a mistake. Should I be making her jealous? Its so hard.

 

AHHHHHHHHHHHH Why can't we just be!

 

Thanks again for all your support.

 

Cheers,

WD

[canuckgirl]

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

Its one big roller coaster ride!! I was doing ok.. I've just been focusing on snowboarding.. volunteering there, working there, improving my skills and decided to get my instructors. It works sooo good geting involved in other things.. hardly thought about him. And started thinking that I can move on and in a few months start back in the dating world. But then out of nowhere he IM me. And he was writing "hun" "sweetie" "cutie" like we were still going out.. in my head I'm like stop calling me that! I'm not your gf anymore!! And I don't want to get any false hope that he wants to get back together. Just when I'm thinking about giving up.. he throws some hope out there. This has to be one of the hardest and most confusing things to go through!!! And I still love him so much! But I don't want him to string me along if he doesn't want to get back together. Anyways I just had to get that out of my system.. thanks.

[WindDrifter]

Canuckgirl Scream as loud as you want!!!!!!!

 

I know how hope consumes you and you think can this work is it finally going to work. The person i love so much and want to give everything up for might actually love me back in the same way.

 

It is so painfull and its like you are slowly suffering! Hope. I still have hope but I am afraid of the day I don't.

 

Be strong Canuck!

Cheers,

WD

[JumpHi]

My b/f of 8 years and I had some problems during the end of the summer. I was out of town for almost a month and during this time he met some else and when I got home he said that he was confused and wanted to make sure I was the "right" person for him. Our relationship had not been going well for a while and I asked him if we could try to make our relationship better before we ended everything.

 

So we worked on it and everything was going well for about 4 months. Then right after x-mas he broke up with me. Apparently he had found another new girl and he was having these feelings of being confused again. A couple of days after this happened, he emailed me and told me he wanted us to be on a "break" so that he could figure everything because he dosn't know what he wants anymore. Well, for the last 3 weeks I have found out that he is not reallly dating this girl, he is only hanging out with her and a new group of friends.

 

All he does on the weekend is partying beyond belief. This is very hard on me because I still care about him very much and don't want any of this to be happening. We email about once a week. (I usually wait for him to email me first and then act like I'm alright and having a great time without him). But I am miserable.

 

I am not sure if I should wait for him and hope we get back together or if I should just end everything with him. Of all the friends I have talked to, they all think he is just freaked out about growing up (he is 24 and I am 25 and a lot of friends are starting to get married) and since he has found a new group of people that are single and will party with him then that's what he is going to do. Everyone thinks this is just a phase for him, because this is not what he was like when I first started dating him.

[canuckgirl]

I'm just wondering how everyone in this post is doing now. Are there any updats?

 

I've decided to go into no contact mode for a while. I'm leaving for Whistler soon for about 10 days. So that will make no contact easy. It's been 4 days so far of NC. Last time we talked like friends on IM and he sent me an email wishing me a wonderful time on my trip. Now, I want to email him back to thank him for that email cause I want him to know that I apprecitate him. Will I look cold if I don't contact him?? Will he think I'm over him if I don't or trying to move on?? I'm planning on email him a few days after I get back. I feel that this time will make me stronger and allow me think more about things. It will also him more space to figure himself out. I just had a dream were he invited me to his birthday party and in the dream he had a girlfriend. We were all drinking and they were walking in front of me. I've never felt so much rage and anger in a dream before.. I went up and punched the girl so hard in the head. That dream made me realize that I have some hidden anger and that I need to really question myself if I could actually just be friends wtih him. Cause although I want to say "yeah I would be fine if he found someone new and they were happy together". That dream just made me realize the opposite might be true. Just another reason to go into no contact mode. Also I find that when we do contact each other.. I'm happy for that moment.. but then I get soo sad. Like I'm starting over at square one.

 

It seems like everyone is at the cross roads.. do we wait or do we move on??

[canuckgirl]

I broke down.. I did contact him. Just wrote a very short email to him, basically thanking him for wishing me a wonderful trip. I feel like I can now go on this trip and not think about it and how I should have sent him that email. I feel like I did the right thing because he was the one that contacted me in the first place. So now I will be forced into no contact. I'll be coming back from my trip in two weeks.

[WindDrifter]

Well with me and Amanda (Can't say Ex too hard for both of us) we have sort of started dating.

 

I know it sounds weird but the one day we spend with each other has been awesome every week we do it. We have also hooked up each time we have been together. It makes me feel happier because I know she wants to be with me. It also makes it harder to leave. But I am getting used to it.

 

We are both honest with each other and if we want to be with someone else we will tell each other. So to be honest I am just giving her time to be with her friends and do what she wants which includes dating me. She has also decided on a time frame which I never had before. A couple months instead of 6months or a year which sounds more reasonable. But again I am happy to currently do what we are doing which is chat once or twice a week when she calls me and then meet up one day a week when I decide. We generally spend the whole day together which is great. I may be happy to do this now but this doesn't mean I will always be happy and it depends on her action as well (kissing other guys???). I guess i am happy because I have decided what I can handle. I am moving on with my life which is a little more difficult since I am a foreigner and haven't made that many mates in Australia and she has all her girlfriends taking her out and stuff but I manage. I play so many sports now. Touch Rugby, Sailing, Basketball and go to Gym. I also work fulltime and study part time so my calendar is quite full.

 

I guess I am trying to find a balance but things are getting better.

 

canuckgirl as far as moving on with your life YES! You have to do it! Find things that interest you and fill that time you have now with things you want to do. Learn a language play a guitar do things that make you happy. If you have totally ended it with your BF or if he just needs time it depends how you move on physically with others but go out with friends and chat to guys and meet people. Nothing serious just be happy to chat to others and if your ex has moved on with other and you still don't feel ready just take your time. Meet other people and hopefully it would get easier.

 

The most important thing I have decided is listen to yourself. Understand you are making choices for yourself! If you want to wait then thats your choice. If you don't then don't. But just be happy with your choice like I am with mine now.

 

Cheers,

WD

 

p.s. If all is lost and you are done than NO CONTACT is the best medicine. Block him on IM. Any emails for him delete. Any phone calls don't answer. Block his number on your cell phone. Any letters don't read. I can't be friend with Amanda if we ended it for good and she couldn't with me it would just be to hard. Tell him as well. I don't want to hear from you unless you have sorted yourself out and want to give this a real go. Even then I might not want you. So leave me alone. Be strong!

[WindDrifter]

insomnie,

 

Are you still out there? I need help. I don't know what to do?

 

You are the closest thing to my girlfriend that I have.

 

Cheers,

WD