What do I do

[Laladinglala]

Hi everyone, I need some advice.

I was in a long term relationship for 2.5 years from the ages of 17-20. As one can assume, we did not know much and our relationship had lots of problems such as insecurities and jealousy. During the relationship there was obviously typical relationship issues, and at such a young age my ex partner made some mistakes multiple times that he had learnt from. However, at the end of the relationship, we were both quite unhappy due to these mistakes that were made, as it was always plaguing my mind. I had gotten so depressed and can admit I had lots of fault in the relationship. I had thrown my friendships away and relied too much on him which put a lot of stress on him. Whenever he did something that hurt me again, I couldn’t help but get triggered, shut down, and not talk, and then after a while just burst. I had successfully convinced myself that everything was ok and I was happy. However my ex partner could see through everything and therefore made the right choice by breaking up. We were and are both very young and have a lot to learn. 
 

The breakup was incredibly tough for me, I couldn’t eat or sleep, the pain was so bad I thought I was actually dying. After 2 months of complete no contact, my ex and I got back into contact. The two months had really given us a lot of clarity on where we both had done wrong, overreacted and could have done better. We have both decided that we do truly love each other and for some reason feel like it is just unexplainably right for us to be together. However, we both know we have so much life to live and lessons to learn and therefore agreed to not get back together at this time. We have decided to stay in contact as friends, and to let each other know if we have found someone else. We also decided on friends with benefits (we both already know the risks and have taken everything into account).

my problem however is, that I have been so hurt by some of the stuff he has done in the past. I have forgiven him and moved on, however what I cant seem to get past is the fact that he, during the relationship, vented to his mum and friends about the issues. That wouldn’t normally be a problem for me, however, he never told the full story as one can imagine and I always looked like the bad guy. Particularly, he told his mum about most of our issues we had in the first few years of our relationship. His mum is very stubborn and opinionated, has been through a lot, and sees no wrong in her son. Therefore, I was always in the wrong no matter what. My issue is that, if we do end up getting back together one day, how do i get past these really strong opinions people have about me when they barely spoke to me and actually got to know the real me? Because I can confidently say, I am a kind person who always wants the best for my ex, and I can admit that I was young and have also made mistakes and that I have work to do as well. How do I get pasts these peoples opinions about me? 
 

for context most of it is his friends that I only met 2-3 times briefly, and then his mum who I never truly got to know. Therefore, their opinions are mostly based on  the issues my ex partner had told them 
About. Any advice is appreciated. Thank you. 

[stillafool]

What were the issues you had that he discussed with others?

[Gebidozo]

Becoming “friends with benefits” with an ex is really not a good idea. If you still love each other and really solved whatever problems you were having, just get back together now. Or make a clean cut and move on. Anything in between will just create confusion and unnecessary complications.

His Mom or whoever else that might have heard something bad about you from him are the least of your worries. What matters is his behavior. Make it clear to him that it’s unacceptable to constantly badmouth you to an already prejudiced family member. If he stops doing that, there will be no problems.

It doesn’t matter what his mother or anyone else think about you. They don’t have to like you. They are entitled to their opinions. Just make sure that he clearly takes your side from now on. But before that, get back together with him for real.

Edited July 31 by Gebidozo

[basil67]

20 hours ago, Laladinglala said:

Particularly, he told his mum about most of our issues we had in the first few years of our relationship.

I'm a mother, and my daughter has also confided relationship problems to me back to me. I think it's a good thing when our children to confide in us, particularly when they are still so young and inexperienced because we can support them in their decision making.  And for what it's worth, I generally took a midline view about the issues disclosed unless the partner's behaviour was inexcusable.  Likewise, I think it's totally normal for people to confide in their best friends for advice and support.  

If you boyfriend does get back together with you, his mother might ask him if it's a wise decision. And this gives him the opportunity to tell her that you're both having a fresh start and have addressed the previous problems.   

All that said, you don't have a lot of good stuff to say about your ex - what exactly were these repeated mistakes he was making?  And what were "typical relationship issues?"   It really doesn't sound so good

 

 

Edited July 31 by basil67