What to do????

[Upset]

here is my problem, i used to go out with this guy who didn't treat me right, he acted like i was his trophy girlfriend or something, like i was there to show off, so i finally got up the courage to break up with him. but then it started to hurt, i would see him everyday at school and i kept on regreting breaking up with him so when he tried to get back together with me by promising to change i gave in, but it was the same thing, so i broke up with him again and this time it was for good. it still hurt when i saw him in the halls especially when he got a new girlfriend. i couldn't get over him even though i knew that the relationship we had had was a joke. then just when i thought i couldn't take it anymore i met a new guy, he was so nice and sweet. we started going out and things were great, i thought i was completely over that other guy, but then one day after school, i saw him and he was really upset, i asked what was wrong and he said that his girlfriend just dumped him, he started saying that i was right, that he was a bad guy and that he didn't treat his girlfriends with the right respect, and i started feeling bad for him so i gave him a hug and then he kissed me and for a second i kissed him back but then i pulled away, only to see my new boyfriend waiting for me in his car, i had completely forgotten that he was picking me up that day. so now, my boyfriend won't talk to me and my ex thinks that i have feelings for him, which is totally untrue! i love my boyfriend, i only like my ex as a friend. i don't know what to do, how can i fix this situation?

[Tony T]

There is nothing in the entire world you can do except to explain to your current boyfriend what happened. He needs to know there was nothing whatsoever going on between you and your ex.

 

But you also have to see things from his standpoint. He was sitting in the car watching you talk to your ex, then hug him, then kiss him. That's all he saw. What he saw visually is far more powerful than any explanation you could ever give.

 

If you tell him you didn't know he was looking, it'll be bad for you. If you tell him you knew he was looking, that's just as bad. Don't even go to that part of the excuse.

 

If your boyfriend doesn't forgive you, and it will be a long, long time before he could ever forget, you may just need to move on and learn from this. There are lots of other guys out there. Also, you don't really need a man in your life who isn't understanding to the max because you'll really need that at times in your life.

 

If he does forgive you and you remain together, you better watch your butt and don't do anything you wouldn't want to have a picture of on the front page of tomorrow's newspaper.

 

Meanwhile, don't kiss his butt and be sending lots of messages, cards, flowers, etc. to him. That would only be a sign you're feeling guilty as hell. All you can do, as I said, is explain what happened and wait it out.

[sparkle]

I don't understand how you just kissed him back so easily. I've had guys try to kiss me, but if I wasn't interested, I backed away quickly without any contact whatsoever. It's not that difficult. All it takes is just a little self-control.

 

What your boyfriend should have seen was your ex about to kiss you, but you immediately pushing him back.

 

I agree with Tony. All you can do right now is apologize and offer an explanation. And if it bothers him, don't get angry and try to become defensive. If I saw my boyfriend doing something like that, I'd be pretty upset that he doesn't have enough control over himself.

[upset]

i know i should have had more control, but i only kissed him back for a second, maybe it was just reflex because it's only been a short while since we broke up and we went out for about two years, but i am sure that i'm over him and that kiss meant absolutely nothing to me, this just hurts so much, just thinking that my boyfriend will never forgive me is like pure torture. thanks for all your advice i really appreciate it.

 

I don't understand how you just kissed him back so easily. I've had guys try to kiss me, but if I wasn't interested, I backed away quickly without any contact whatsoever. It's not that difficult. All it takes is just a little self-control.

 

What your boyfriend should have seen was your ex about to kiss you, but you immediately pushing him back. I agree with Tony. All you can do right now is apologize and offer an explanation. And if it bothers him, don't get angry and try to become defensive. If I saw my boyfriend doing something like that, I'd be pretty upset that he doesn't have enough control over himself.

[marzipan]

Dear Upset,

 

Talk to your boyfriend. Explain the situation to him. Be honest, tell him that you were just giving him some advice and you gave him a hug and he took it the wrong way. It wasn't your fault that he tried to kiss you. Tell him the scenario and also remind him that you knew he was going to pick you up so why would you be kissing another guy when you know he will be there to watching. I think you just need to find the guy and explain it to him. Also, keep your distance from your ex. Since you two have been back and fourth so often, it's probably not healthy to try and be friends just yet, especially if you want to hang on to your current boyfriend.

 

When you do get to talk to your guy, tell him how important he is to you and how much your relationship means to you, I think he just needs to be set straight about what he saw. Yes, he saw you two kissing in an embrace but you need to set him straight about what happened or else he's going to stick to the wrong conclusion.

here is my problem, i used to go out with this guy who didn't treat me right, he acted like i was his trophy girlfriend or something, like i was there to show off, so i finally got up the courage to break up with him. but then it started to hurt, i would see him everyday at school and i kept on regreting breaking up with him so when he tried to get back together with me by promising to change i gave in, but it was the same thing, so i broke up with him again and this time it was for good. it still hurt when i saw him in the halls especially when he got a new girlfriend. i couldn't get over him even though i knew that the relationship we had had was a joke. then just when i thought i couldn't take it anymore i met a new guy, he was so nice and sweet. we started going out and things were great, i thought i was completely over that other guy, but then one day after school, i saw him and he was really upset, i asked what was wrong and he said that his girlfriend just dumped him, he started saying that i was right, that he was a bad guy and that he didn't treat his girlfriends with the right respect, and i started feeling bad for him so i gave him a hug and then he kissed me and for a second i kissed him back but then i pulled away, only to see my new boyfriend waiting for me in his car, i had completely forgotten that he was picking me up that day. so now, my boyfriend won't talk to me and my ex thinks that i have feelings for him, which is totally untrue! i love my boyfriend, i only like my ex as a friend. i don't know what to do, how can i fix this situation?

[upset]

hi, i have another update to my original post "what to do?" here is what happened: i was sitting at home alone(actually the maid was also there) just moping around about all my worries and then the doorbell rang and when i opened the door my ex was standing there with a bouqet of roses, and he had this sad look in his eyes. i invited him in and we went into the den and sat on the couch. he told me that he had never gotten over me and that the biggest mistake he ever made was losing me, then he told me that he loved me and that he knew that i said i didn't love but he knew that deep down in my heart i loved him, but i told him that he was wrong and that i only loved my botfriend. then he put his arm on my waist and looked deep into my eyes and told me that he loved me and told me to look in his eyes like that and tell him that i didn't love him and then i couldn't say it right away but then right as i was about to say it he moved closer to me and kissed me and i kissed him back, soon enough we were completely making out on the couch, i don't know why i did that, i guess i was just thinking that since my boyfriend didn't want me and i was so lonely then why should i turn away this guy who loves me so much. so we went up to my room and ended up having sex. afterwards, as we were just kissing and talking about how good it was...., i heard a sound, and freaked, because i thought it was my mom, but when i looked up i saw that it was my boyfriend (my maid had probably let him in). he had dropped a huge bouqet of flowers (which is almost bigger than me) and box of chocolates that he had brought for me. he was just standing there crying. he told me that he had come over to apologize for being too hard on me and to tell me that he loved me and that he didn't want to lose me. i asked him how long he had been there and he said long enough, i told him that i was so sorry he had to witness this and for being such a horrible girlfriend. i told him that i knew he would find someone better, i said that he deserved better than me. but, to my surprise, he said that he still wanted to work things out with me. he said that i was under a lot of stress and that my ex had taken advantage of that. he then began yelling at my ex for not treating me right.... but i told him to stop, i said that my ex had not taken advantage of me and that i had voluntarily done this. my ex then told my boyfriend that i loved him and that this was proof of it, then my boyfriend got really mad and the two of them got in this huge fight and i had to yell for them to break it up. i told them that i was extremely confused and that i needed to think about everything. they both said that they understood that and asked when they could call me, i told them that i wasn't sure and that they should just ask me at school (summer school). then i got them both out of the house.

 

i can't believe the mess that i have created! maybe i really am a blond whore? how could i treat two great guys this way? the real question i keep asking myself is why are these guys even interested in a girl like me who treats them this way? i don't know what to do? i love my boyfriend, but i obviously have feelings for my ex so i don't know if it would be honest to have a deep relationship with my boyfriend knowing this. and how can my boyfriend ever forget witnessing me and my ex having sex? please if anyone has any advice for me i would really appreciate it. thank you.

[sparkle]

I think you should just get rid of both guys and not get into any relationship right now. You are definitely not ready for anything serious. Hang out with a few guys and have fun, you're young. Go out, do whatever. But DO NOT get into a serious relationship until you are ready. And I don't think you are.

 

If you loved your boyfriend, you wouldn't sleep with some other guy like that. Learn some self-control and respect for yourself. You don't need to jump in bed with some guy who's ready and willing just because you're having trouble with your boyfriend. That's pretty pathetic.

 

And I'm not even sure I believe what you wrote. And I can't believe that your boyfriend still wants you back. He must have no self-esteem whatsoever either. And I can't believe your ex would make a move on you when you supposedly told him you loved your boyfriend blah blah blah. What a jerk.

[upset]

i know, i can't believe that my boyfriend still wants me back. in fact, i can't understand why either one of them wants me. that's why i'm so confused. i have no idea what i'm supposed to do. thank you so much for your advice, i think you make a very good point, i can't put my boyfriend through anymore of this, if we stay together i may hurt him again and i definitely don't want to do that. thanks so much for your advice i really appreciate it.

[Marzipan]

Dear Upset,

 

you sound very confused. I'm sorry, I've never been in a situation like that but it sounds like it is too much for you to handle. It's hard enough being in a relationship w/ one person let alone two!

 

First and foremost: You need time alone to think.

 

Second: You sound like you want to explore those feelings for your ex, otherwise you wouldn't have let him in, talked to him or defended him to your boyfriend. You need to admit to yourself that you wanted to explore these feelings and now I think that's what you should do. It sounds like a pretty hysterical situation with your current boyfriend, I don't know how he was able to handle seeing you and your ex together but it sounds like it's shaken him up too. You need to break up with him, regardless of how you feel about him because right now he's not in a good place and you have wound up doing him more damage than good.

 

He needs time away from you to think about things and what he wants. It sounded like he made a hasty decision when he told you he still wants to work things out. You may find that later on (in a week or two) he may resent you or feel angry towards you for the situation that occurred. You have to think about whether or not you can be with him and be willing to suffer the guilt and lack of trust on his part after all that's happened. Do you really think you can do that? When a trust has been broken, it's incredibly difficult to get that back without spending some time apart. That's just my opinion, but you aren't even sure that you want to pursue that option so you really need to think long and hard about your decision.

 

Giving the ex another chance is also risky. Try to remember your first relationship w/him and the reasons why you broke up. You need to seriously consider that and also that fact that he may be on the rebound so this makes your possibility of a successful relationship twice as hard going in.

 

I think you did right by not telling either of them you would contact them until school starts. You need time to sort out your feelings. This is an incredibly complicated situation that you have created, I'm sorry to say that. I don't know that it could've been avoided because your previous posts indicated that you still had feelings for your ex. This doesn't make you a bad person but you need to maintain some distance from your boyfriend at least until you've made a decision because otherwise you will wind up confusing him more and hurting him even more in the process.

 

I hope this helps, I don't know what else to say except that I know how it feels on the other end, I was cheated on and it confused me so much. He's on the other end of the cheating incident and right now he may say he wants to work things out but he may be angry with you later and no matter what you will have to deal with the repercussions of that. It's hard to try and remain friends after something like this, you may be able to do it in the future but right now, I think distance is the best thing for all of you.

 

Good luck.

 

Marzipan

hi, i have another update to my original post "what to do?" here is what happened: i was sitting at home alone(actually the maid was also there) just moping around about all my worries and then the doorbell rang and when i opened the door my ex was standing there with a bouqet of roses, and he had this sad look in his eyes. i invited him in and we went into the den and sat on the couch. he told me that he had never gotten over me and that the biggest mistake he ever made was losing me, then he told me that he loved me and that he knew that i said i didn't love but he knew that deep down in my heart i loved him, but i told him that he was wrong and that i only loved my botfriend. then he put his arm on my waist and looked deep into my eyes and told me that he loved me and told me to look in his eyes like that and tell him that i didn't love him and then i couldn't say it right away but then right as i was about to say it he moved closer to me and kissed me and i kissed him back, soon enough we were completely making out on the couch, i don't know why i did that, i guess i was just thinking that since my boyfriend didn't want me and i was so lonely then why should i turn away this guy who loves me so much. so we went up to my room and ended up having sex. afterwards, as we were just kissing and talking about how good it was...., i heard a sound, and freaked, because i thought it was my mom, but when i looked up i saw that it was my boyfriend (my maid had probably let him in). he had dropped a huge bouqet of flowers (which is almost bigger than me) and box of chocolates that he had brought for me. he was just standing there crying. he told me that he had come over to apologize for being too hard on me and to tell me that he loved me and that he didn't want to lose me. i asked him how long he had been there and he said long enough, i told him that i was so sorry he had to witness this and for being such a horrible girlfriend. i told him that i knew he would find someone better, i said that he deserved better than me. but, to my surprise, he said that he still wanted to work things out with me. he said that i was under a lot of stress and that my ex had taken advantage of that. he then began yelling at my ex for not treating me right.... but i told him to stop, i said that my ex had not taken advantage of me and that i had voluntarily done this. my ex then told my boyfriend that i loved him and that this was proof of it, then my boyfriend got really mad and the two of them got in this huge fight and i had to yell for them to break it up. i told them that i was extremely confused and that i needed to think about everything. they both said that they understood that and asked when they could call me, i told them that i wasn't sure and that they should just ask me at school (summer school). then i got them both out of the house.

 

i can't believe the mess that i have created! maybe i really am a blond whore? how could i treat two great guys this way? the real question i keep asking myself is why are these guys even interested in a girl like me who treats them this way? i don't know what to do? i love my boyfriend, but i obviously have feelings for my ex so i don't know if it would be honest to have a deep relationship with my boyfriend knowing this. and how can my boyfriend ever forget witnessing me and my ex having sex? please if anyone has any advice for me i would really appreciate it. thank you.

[Rach]

Hi, I haven't read your previous post, but I just read the one about what happened with your ex and your boyfriend... that is a really horrible situation. I think I can understand where you're coming from, though; sometimes it's really easy to melt all over someone you were with for a long time when they just look at you in that certain way... most people cheat on someone at least once in their lives; that doesn't make it any better, but at least you know you're not alone... I don't really know what to add to what Marzipan said, but it sounds like your boyfriend really cares about you... the only thing is, do you care about him in the same way? (And I think you already answered that in your last post!) One more thought, if your ex didn't care that you had a b/f, would he care if he had a g/f and another girl came along? Well good luck no matter what! =) ~*Rach*~

[upset]

i know this is going to sound lame, but when i was with my ex we didn't think i was really cheating because my boyfriend had gotten really mad at me before and basically dumped me (you can read that in my last post it was something like "update..."). so both of us had thought that me and my boyfriend were over. i know it's not an excuse but it's the truth. thanks so much for your advice i really appreciate it.

Hi, I haven't read your previous post, but I just read the one about what happened with your ex and your boyfriend... that is a really horrible situation. I think I can understand where you're coming from, though; sometimes it's really easy to melt all over someone you were with for a long time when they just look at you in that certain way... most people cheat on someone at least once in their lives; that doesn't make it any better, but at least you know you're not alone... I don't really know what to add to what Marzipan said, but it sounds like your boyfriend really cares about you... the only thing is, do you care about him in the same way? (And I think you already answered that in your last post!) One more thought, if your ex didn't care that you had a b/f, would he care if he had a g/f and another girl came along? Well good luck no matter what! =) ~*Rach*~

[upset]

hi tony, i was wondering if you could please post a reply to my post "another update, desparately need help" thanks.

[Tony T]

I do not reply to long posts without paragraphs for health reasons.

 

Shorten up your post and use paragraphs to break up the concentration of type and I'll give it my best shot.

 

Thank you for your understanding.

[upset]

thanks, i have tried to make the story a lot more basic, but i left the original post at the bottom in case this is too basic:

 

i was at home alone feeling really sad and then my ex came over, he brought me flowers and said all these mushy things to me about how he still loves me.... i tried to tell him that i didn't feel the same and i only love my boyfriend but soon enough i gave in and we ended up having sex in my bedroom.

 

afterwards, i heard a sound in the room and looked up and saw my boyfriend standing there, he had dropped a huge bouqet of roses and box of chocolates that he had brought for me. he was crying and said that he had just come over to apologize for being too hard on me.

 

i began apologizing to him and told him that i wasn't good enough for him. but to my surprise he said that he still wanted to work things out with me. he then started yelling at my ex for taking advantage of me but i told him that my ex didn't take advantage of me and that i did this voluntarily, and then my ex started yelling at him and started saying that i loved him (my ex) and they got in a huge fight.

 

i was finally able to break it up and i told them i needed time to think. they asked when they could call me and i said i didn't know and that they should just ask me at school. then i finally got them both out of the house.

 

now, i am totally confused, i have no idea what i should do. i do love my boyfriend, but i can't just forget what happened and i don't know if he can either. maybe i really am a blonde whore. do you have any advice for me, i'm so confused.

 

thanks.

[Tony T]

This sounds like a post I've already responded to for some reason. The problem must be epidemic.

 

You were wrong all the way around and it's not likely either one of these guys will stay with you except for sex. These guys will never, ever trust you over the long haul. It just isn't going to happen.

 

You had to be out of your mind to have your ex over knowing your current boyfriend had full access to your place and could come over at any time. I mean, that was just nuts...but you're only young once I guess.

 

Once these guys think all this over, whichever one you decide you want to be with is only going to have you around for sex because, again, neither will ever trust you again. It just won't happen.

 

Now, if they had any ethics, they would just write you off and move on without taking further advantage of you. But they won't do that because you must be something else in bed. They will keep you around for that.

 

If you have any ethics, you'll get some character, learn how to be loyal in a committed relationship, and do much better next time. You should let go of both of these guys and try to change your life around so it has a bit more class and moral integrity.

 

Forgive yourself and try to do better by the people you care about. We all make mistakes but if you don't learn by this and try to make a better person of yourself, you are condemned to a life of hell.

 

If this was just an isolated incident and you normally don't conduct yourself like this, let both of these guys go, find a nice guy, and treat him right.

[upset]

thanks for the advice, this is actually an update to my original posts. i have never done anything like this before.

 

also, i think i should add that i didn't invite my ex over he just showed up and he looked really sad and upset so i invited him in, and my boyfriend does not have full access to my house, my housekeeper must have let him in, and it's just that, like i wrote in my last post, my boyfriend had completely berated me and basically dumped me. i never thought that in a million years he would come over to apologize, i thought it was over between us, and then there was my ex and he said that he loved me, i know it's not an excuse, but i think maybe i was just so upset about my boyfriend dumping me and my ex was there telling me how much he loved me and i just gave in. but still it was a terrible thing to do. thanks so much for your advice.

This sounds like a post I've already responded to for some reason. The problem must be epidemic.

 

You were wrong all the way around and it's not likely either one of these guys will stay with you except for sex. These guys will never, ever trust you over the long haul. It just isn't going to happen. You had to be out of your mind to have your ex over knowing your current boyfriend had full access to your place and could come over at any time. I mean, that was just nuts...but you're only young once I guess. Once these guys think all this over, whichever one you decide you want to be with is only going to have you around for sex because, again, neither will ever trust you again. It just won't happen.

 

Now, if they had any ethics, they would just write you off and move on without taking further advantage of you. But they won't do that because you must be something else in bed. They will keep you around for that. If you have any ethics, you'll get some character, learn how to be loyal in a committed relationship, and do much better next time. You should let go of both of these guys and try to change your life around so it has a bit more class and moral integrity.

 

Forgive yourself and try to do better by the people you care about. We all make mistakes but if you don't learn by this and try to make a better person of yourself, you are condemned to a life of hell. If this was just an isolated incident and you normally don't conduct yourself like this, let both of these guys go, find a nice guy, and treat him right.