Thoughts on current situation

[Mpkin]

Hi everyone, I was wondering what your thoughts were on my current situation. So, I met a wonderful woman online around 20months ago now. To keep a long story short, we really hit it off by chatting via phone, text and video chats and we kept planning to meet.

We both live in the UK, but at that time she lived in the south of England, and I live in the North. Now in distance wise it wasn't far around 4hrs / 190 miles. Then In October last year she moved to a Scotland now again in distance wise it was around the same around 4hrs /190miles drive from me

Due to various things happening mainly my work commitment it always stopping us having that meet up to put to test what we thought was the start of a great relationship, but we continued to chat daily.

At the end of last year, we both made the decision that us not meeting wasn't doing either of us any good and that we should continue to be friends, keep in contact, and see what happened. It was less pressure on both of us and l also was very conscious that she had just moved to a new city and due to the distance, I couldn't be there all the time for us to do normal things daily together exploring the new city and start a new relationship. I knew she would be making new friends and putting down new roots and that wouldn't involve me.

Around 12 weeks ago I finally got the chance to have that face to face meet up and I sent her a message saying I was visiting and was that ok to do so. It is then she told me she was seeing someone so we could meet but only as friends.

But said she would still like to meet up and she was ok with it. I asked her if she was sure and didn't want to cause her any problems and out of respect for her new man it maybe wasn't a good idea, but she said that she wanted us to meet.

What is confusing me though is that since she told me she was seeing someone, and we could only meet as friends

Communication has increased - our calls, texts and video chats are now even longer. We are having deeper conversations about each other. We have met up twice and gone out for drinks and meal and are planning to go out again next week.

Nothing has happened between us, and we have kept it purely platonic. I have wanted more though, and it is starting to hurt me

I have fallen for her deeply she is an amazing woman and everything we thought that would make us a good couple has only reinforced itself after we have met. I have never felt this way about a woman before the whole world evaporates around me when we chat, I feel I open to her in a way I never have with anyone else.

My logical brain isn't working now as I know I screwed up and let this amazing woman get away from me, but I don't understand why she still wants to meet up with me and constantly chat with me when she is seeing someone. I know we shouldn't be meeting but I don't want it to stop either.

To put this into context also I am 50yrs old and she is 45yrs old, so we aren't teenagers.

Thanks.

[Gebidozo]

All I can say that I certainly wouldn’t like it if my lady communicated on such a deep level with a man who harbors romantic feelings towards her.

I think she is disrespecting her boyfriend, and I would be very careful if I were you. It would be very unhealthy to invest emotionally in that person.

Who knows why she’s seeing you. Maybe she is one of those people who like to string potential romantic partners along without letting them see any action, like perennial bench players on a basketball team. Maybe she is insecure and craves attention from men. Maybe she doesn’t even understand that her behavior is strange, and honestly thinks this is just a regular friendship. It doesn’t matter. She is with someone else, so I think it would be best to leave her alone and move on.

[Mpkin]

Thanks for the reply, after talking to her , nearly every day for 20months it’s hard not to be emotionally invested. That’s the problem. 
 

[Gebidozo]

8 hours ago, Mpkin said:

Thanks for the reply, after talking to her , nearly every day for 20months it’s hard not to be emotionally invested. That’s the problem. 
 

People sometimes terminate real romantic affairs that have lasted for years. You’re just holding onto the hope that she breaks up with her BF and gets together with you. Well, stranger things have happened, but if you really want that, terminate your inappropriately close contact first. Tell her you have romantic intentions about her and don’t want to harm her relationship, so the talks and the meetings are going to be on hold until she makes a clear decision which man she wants to be with.

Edited July 31 by Gebidozo

[ExpatInItaly]

You need to cut back all the communication and meet-ups. 

Since you have feelings for her, you can't really be friends at this time. It is also really unfair to her boyfriend to be communicating with you like this, so think carefully about what this says about her as a person.  She's the type to entertain other men while she is has a boyfriend. 

You are turning into her male girlfriend and you don't want that. You also don't want to be her oribter who gives her validation while she enjoys a romantic relationship with someone else. 

Edited July 31 by ExpatInItaly

[Mpkin]

Hey everyone, so I just wanted to ask everyone’s advice here as I will admit I am extremely confused about my current situation. I am a 50yr old man and I have been in touch with a 45yr old woman for around 2 years now. 

I will try and keep this brief so the long and short of it is we met on a dating website in October 2022 we chatted daily , video chatted and texted. She lived 4hrs away from me so wasn’t the easiest to just pop round, but we were planning to physically meet and see where things took us. For various reasons the meet never actually took place but after around 6months out of the blue told me she was changing job and would be moving for that job 4 hours in a different direction from me. Whilst all this was happening we chatted daily , texted, video called etc etc. I was a little surprised that she would just decide to move like that and not discuss it with me as we were getting close and shared most of daily life together even if we hadn’t met.

The move came in October / November last year 2023 , we continued to chat daily but I realised she had moved 200miles from me and I couldn't be there for simple things like, a few drinks , meal, cinema , walks just every day things. I also realised she would be making new friends in effect and new life without me. I couldn't just leave my job to be with her and she had made that decision to move there. So I proposed that we cooled off our chats , we kept in touch and lets just see what happened when she was more settled in her new environment and i could gather my thoughts and decide what to do next. 

Things continued and we continued to chat daily and we were planning to meet up which seemed like what we both wanted. Although when I told her I was coming to see her and was she free on these dates she admitted she was seeing someone, but would still like to meet up.

Initially i declined and said it wasn’t right and wished her all the best for the future. Although she kept texting me, eventually we agreed to meet and I tied it in with a work trip . It was wonderful night and we both connected, clicked and felt completely at ease with each other , it was as if we had known each other all our lives. Nothing happened between us we just chatted , caught up and laughed a lot. I have since met up with her 3 more times which has been about every 5 weeks, again nothing has happened between us although on the last meet as we said our goodbyes we hugged for what seemed a long time, we kissed on the cheeks and there was look in her eyes i can still see it now. I also did hint that this was it, we should go our separate ways but she in effect told me why we shouldn’t, to not think about things too deeply or we would miss the good stuff she put it. 

I am planning to be at a conference in the same city in 3weeks time which will be around 5 weeks since i last saw her and we are planned to meet for a catchup. 

My dilemma is I have fallen for this woman in a huge way , we have boned and connected for 2years now and spent some lovely evenings together, we still text daily and have been having video calls at lease every other week combined with the physical meet-ups. We chat about random things, common interests, jokes, life, you name it we talk about it. 

She is currently away for the weekend with her boyfriend and as she was at the train station yesterday morning she text her usual “good morning” i replied good morning back and to have safe travels but I haven’t hear from her since. So no good morning message today which hurts because it says to me now I am not important ….. so why text me everyday for the last 6 months even when he has been there in the past. It’s so confusing.

I am confused as to why we continue to share this connection, bond and daily chat via text and meet up for lovely evenings of chat and laughter , if I dont text her she usually texts me as I have tried to distance myself but she continues to text me. I feel like we playing a dance at the moment and I dont know what we are doing, what we are to each other and where this is going ….. which is i suspect nowhere.

She is planning to visit the area i live at the end of November so i can show her round , she will stay in a hotel and me at home but i am confused about this too …. Why is she wanting to do this and what are we doing.

Every part of me says I love this woman deeply but I should run for the hills but I cannot seem to be strong enough to do this. 

Any help or advice would be appreciated for this silly old man.

[Gaeta]

First you're not old and it's time for you to meet a woman that is 100% loyal to you. ALL this is a fantasy lead by her. Listen, what kind of woman has a boyfriend and does what she does behind his back? A woman with very little loyalty and integrity who just enjoys attention. How insensitive does she have to be to play with people's feelings just for attention.  Remind yourself, what she does to him, she would eventually do to you. It's hard to end a fantasy because half of it has  been created in our head and not in reality. She is not a nice person. It's time for you to end this charade. You will get over it, you'll feel sad for a little while but you'll get over it. When you meet a woman that gives you all of her love and attention you will understand how shallow this woman here is. 

[Gebidozo]

5 hours ago, Mpkin said:

Every part of me says I love this woman deeply

Then I guess you don’t love yourself.

If a woman you’re interested in loves and is together with someone else, you step aside, and your own strength, your confidence, your self-respect and your love of yourself will ensure that you won’t fall in love with her.

Break off all contact with her. This is unhealthy for you, it’s damaging your self esteem and making you unhappy.

[Mpkin]

Thank you both for your responses, I fully agree with both of you. I need time to step back, reflect and move on.

I was writing her a goodbye message this morning, i dont know if i will send it or it will be more for me but it did make me feel better for a moment. What interrupted that feeling was two messages from her saying good morning and sending me some photos of an activity that has meaning to both of us. 

I just cant get my head around why she is keeping in touch, sending pictures that has meaning to both of us - especially when she is with someone.

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, Mpkin said:

I just cant get my head around why she is keeping in touch, sending pictures that has meaning to both of us

To get attention. Once you end this she will find someone else to get attention from. She doesn't have feelings for you, no matter what she says, it's all about her and what she gets out of it. 

Don't go into some big good  bye drama. Say this is not working for you and block her everywhere.