DUMPED! Weed, first fight, best time ever.

[dub fx]

Hi all.

I(34)was dating this amazing girl(30) for 8 months. We had the best time ever, spearfishing, diving, boating, 4x4,.. and did not had single fight.

I told her from the beginning I do smoke fair a bit of weed. It was my way of dealing with stress the last 7 years as I had to work in a shithole for my immigration visa. Those 7 years I was in limbo and it was my way of coping and got addicted to it.

I was up front with her and told her I want to stop smoking in the future. She was okay with me smoking. She ptobably did not realise how much I smoked yet..

With my visa refused and possible another 3 years in limbo for a ministrial intervention, she told me she would sponsor me with partner visa. Great!

I moved to her town and stayed in her house for 3 weeks when she was on holidays. 

I tried to stop smoking weed but I relapsed Due to heavy withdrawals. I was trying to figure out how I can stop and which Job I would accept to combine with her work so we would have time off for our fishing adventures.. I was dying to speak to her about how I am going to quit and how I can sort my life together out.. I knew weed was going to affect my relationship.

When she got home she was super busy, we went to s wedding and all her friends stayed over for 9 days. We had only sex the first day when she got back. And I realised she was too tired the following days (I knew what this means).. Maybe cause she realised I smoked  more than she thought..  

I felt she did not manage to have 5 minutes for me to talk about the s*** I wanted to get sorted.. I distsanced myself away from her friends and smoked a lot..

Then I dropped the bomb; you can't even find 5 minutes for me to talk about serious s***? The new job choices, ... She got angry and said she don't want to be with a pothead. I said I understand and packed my s***.

Lived in my car for 2 weeks, got sober, started a 4.00 am job. We had some contact in the beginning amd she send me love and strength... I got sleep deprived and got too needy and clingy.

I asked for a second change because I stopped from day 1 when I moved out. But it was a no. Really went trough hell. Anxiety attacks, sweating, no sleep.. 

Because of me smoking so much weed, she thinks I cannot control my emotions and feelings the best.. I'm also a emotional guy wtih a very big hart, lots of love to give.

I said yes the weed f***ed me up quite a bit but I stopped becuase I really want you in my life and I have to grow up one day and I see a future with you.

Long story short, she ignored me when I got clingy and needy.. after 19 days in contact here and there I finally realised. I might be in denial... she is really done..

I don't have my s*** together, no permsnent visa after 7 years which got denied because of an English test wrong location during covid. I don't have my emotions/feelings together. Due to smoking waaaay to much potent medical weed.. yes I'm a bit of a mess but I got always told, also this time that they always feel like I'm carrying about the relationship as I should. She even thanked me showing how it is to have a real relationship with a decent bloke.

Afrer 19 days, I finally went no contact. I sometimes still feel like we will get back together when she realised I really stopped smoking that s***. It will help me getting my emotions under control too.. I'm really not that bad.. 

Anyways; I start to believe if someone really loves you they could have supported me with getting clean? I did not even got a warning: please stop smoking..

I understand she kicked me out but I thought I deserve a second change.. I'm super hart broken and let her go now.

I know she really cares about me and she is really smart.. 

I sometimes hope she is just testing me.. but I could be in denial.. testing me if I get my s*** together. 

Would you want her back? If you are that easy to drop?

I do want her back as it was the best time I had In my life. What would be the best approach ?

Edited July 30 by dub fx

[Gebidozo]

Let me get this straight. So you were addicted to drugs, depended on her financially, lived in her place, then got mad because she spent more time with friends than with you for a while, initiated a fight with her, left her because she said she didn’t want to be with a pothead, and now you want her back and are wondering whether anyone else would want someone like her back?

Perhaps you could ask yourself a different question: why would she want you back?

Edited July 30 by Gebidozo

[dub fx]

I did not depend on her financially. I met her while having a break of travelling, living 8 months on a pearl farm where I was working as a fishing guide. I moved out of the bush to her town because we were going very well... I took care of her dog while she was on holiday..  She broke up with me. I felt I had to leave.. 

I understand your question, I did ask myself that too. My answer so far: She know that I went through living hell with my s*** job where I was stuck. She knows that I try to get clean. She knows I have a very hard time dealing with anxiety now. Especially now 3 weeks clean.. And she knows I really want to be the best for her becuase she knows I love her a lot.. I'm a human and not perfect.. But I work hard on myself and I believe I have a very unique character.. But yeah, I know she will find love again if she wants.. 

At the moment. I still brain fogged from smoking long time thc, I'm hart broken and I just try to figure out if I ever can make it back to her becuase she is can be really the one who got away..

[basil67]

33 minutes ago, dub fx said:

She know that I went through living hell with my s*** job where I was stuck. She knows that I try to get clean. She knows I have a very hard time dealing with anxiety now. Especially now 3 weeks clean.. And she knows I really want to be the best for her becuase she knows I love her a lot.. I'm a human and not perfect

That you went through hell with your old job is not a reason to take you back.   'Trying to get clean' is not a reason to take you back.   Having trouble dealing with anxiety is not a reason to take you back.  Wanting the best for her isn't a reason to take you back.      And your comment "Would you want her back? If you are that easy to drop?" indicates that you have zero appreciation of her reasons for walking away.  Of course it's sensible to walk away from someone who is drug addicted. 

For you to have a chance at her taking you back, first you need to stay clean for at least six months with no relapses.  You need to get your mental health sorted out.  And be able to appreciate that she had very good reasons for walking away.  

Do you have a doctor or other specialist support network to get you through this time? 

[dub fx]

I did seek out professional help/ staying clean and help with sleep deprivation. I'm still brain fogged and I want to get my s*** together. I know I'm done smoking that s*** for ever. It ruined this amazing relationship which I have clearly a hard time letting go..

I did appreciate that she showed me I'm at a T Junction in life. There is only one way. Going right and staying right... 

She showed me the light.. it just feel terrible that someone does not believe in me.. But like you said, I might ask myself still the wrong questions..

[basil67]

11 minutes ago, dub fx said:

it just feel terrible that someone does not believe in me..

I think she used to believe in you, but lost it that belief when she realised just how addicted you were.  

At this point, it seems like you're still in a victim mindset (being upset at her not believing in you/dumping you "easily") .  You're not going to get anywhere until you take full responsibility for the end of the relationship.

[dub fx]

Yes you are right.. That's why came here. To get some perspective on my self.

My addiction had more grip over me than I ever thought. Some people believe probably it's just weed but I do had the hardest time quiting, believe me, it was not a joke getting clean.

At the end all I can do is:

- Be thankful for her showing me I was going to destroy myself slowly trough addiction 

-Focuss on my recovery, I cannot fight for her as it only will push her away..

- Move on, accept I messed up. 

-Give her space, allow her to fall in love with a man who is not a project..

We live in a small town, maybe my only hope is that she will bump into me again, realise I stopped for good, gave up cigarettes and got ripped from all my boxing. And hoping she falls all over for me again. But that's all I have I guess. A little hope.. Pretty sad but true..

[basil67]

Yes, this is your way forward.  And even if it doesn't work out with this woman, you'll still be a much better partner for the next great woman you meet

[dub fx]

Thanks for the replies.

I hope to get my head screwed on very soon again. I had to be rock bottom to realise I have to change some things in my life.. I hope my mental health will improve by the weeks very rapidly so I can be happy with myself again and attract what I deserve..

[basil67]

39 minutes ago, dub fx said:

I hope to get my head screwed on very soon again. I had to be rock bottom to realise I have to change some things in my life.. I hope my mental health will improve by the weeks very rapidly so I can be happy with myself again and attract what I deserve..

I hope you improve quickly too.  However, you may find it a long hard road, so be prepared to hang in there.

However the bolded is a bit screwed up, because none of us "deserve" a particular kind of person.   I would suggest that your aim would become the kind of guy who can hold a good job, be mentally healthy and lastly, be able maintain a solid and loving relationship.  

[dub fx]

That's what my ex said too. It can take years.. This freaks me out..

If I'm clean for 4-6weeks with no thc in my blood. Restart with sober friends, feel happy where I am in life. Work on my anxiety. No more depressing weed cloud in my head. A sharp fresh mind.

What else would stop me from able to having an amazing relation? 

Why would it take me years?

It's just going to be very hard to find a girl like her.. Thats why I still hang onto hope.. I have to move on because the chance is it will never happen with her. But this hope makes me fight harder for myself becuase honestly, I do want her back and feel like if I make it pass this weed addiction obstacle, we could be very happy in life..

I made and stick to my choice. A life of soberity.. And at the end of the day I really understand she did not want a possible weed smoking father for her kids.. And I would never want that to be either..

it was a weed addiction, not a heroin or crystal meth...

Im still pretty confused about a few things I guess.. I hope I work it out

[ExpatInItaly]

13 hours ago, dub fx said:

Anyways; I start to believe if someone really loves you they could have supported me with getting clean?

No, this is not fair. 

You aren't owed that, especially when you only dated 8 months. You two moved way too fast and set expectations far too high for the length of time you had been dating. Moving in together with promises of a visa sponsoship? Too much for 8 months. Expecting her to stand by while you deal with your addiction? Also, way too much.

She realized this is not what she wants and she isn't obligated out of "love" to deal with your drug problem. It doesn't sound like you have your life together, and I say that as an expat myself who has been through the stressful relocation/visa process. I get it. But you can't go about your life this way. Get yourself sorted, get that visa i order, deal with your addiction - and then think about dating. Otherwise any future relationships are likely to end the same way. 

Understand that this is probably done for good, though. It was too messy and there is too much damage done. But you can start on a better path and eventually have a healthier relationship with someone else. 

Edited July 31 by ExpatInItaly

[dub fx]

You guys are right... I'm still a frickin mess, heart broken and comming down of substance abuse..

I agree at the end that she did the right thing to trow me out. She has totally no obligation to help me sort out my s***.

I should focus now a 100 % getting a fresh clean mind. And do all the things that will benefit me and my health.

Thanks again for the clear insight!

[Els]

It's only been 8 months... if she thinks it's not going to work out, then there's no point in dragging things out.

I empathise re: the immigration stress (I don't think people who have never emigrated before will truly understand how much of a toll it takes on you when you are striving for a permanent visa, it can be all-consuming) but like I said, you've only been with her for 8 months. It's not like you've been together for 8 years and you moved to close the distance with her. It's your problem to deal with, and she doesn't owe you anything in that regard.

I hope you can find an addiction support group and medical help for you to heal from your addiction. Marijuana is okay in small amounts but if stopping it is giving you such severe withdrawal effects, then you are clearly well beyond that point. You need to get clean ASAP.

Good luck.

[dub fx]

7 years in limbo took a massive toll on my mental health. Now 3 more.. I probably will restart my pr chef work sponsorship. Commit 2 more years to the cheffing world. And focus on the right things in my life.

Honestly, I've been smoking pot since an age of 15. Half of my life. I just did not expect getting sober was this hard. I did not also realise it was making me feel depressed the last years and messed up my normal feelings and stress coping methods..

My ex showed me I could not continue this way my life. Like people said before; I should be thankful for that an honestly I am.

I decided I will live a life of soberity. I did seek out support with the drug n mental health  to kick this old habit for once to hel. I'm only almost 3 weeks sober and I can feel my mental health improving daily. Just still a little brain fogged!

Thanks for all feedback

[basil67]

Sounds like you're making good progress.  Best wishes to you

[dub fx]

Update!

I'm still clean and meeting awesome people and girls in this new town, landed an awsome day time chef job with sponsorship. 2 years commitment and I will get my residence .

It was rough start for me the last 2 months. Getting dumped after taking care of her house, getting her dog to loose couple kg's, cleaning the dirty walls, pool, fixing shutters and doors, ..while she was on holidays. Doing my best to be the most romantic lover. Becauw im such a postive nice guy you know, thats what I do for people who I like...

In return: Getting overwhelmed with all those friends for 9 days, restricted sex, getting dumped as she planned.

Her rich family doesn't want to give her the vineyard because she is dating this Dutch looser who spend 20 000 on immigrantion, still has no visa and just wants to enjoy the life to the fullest. No potential in his life and is on the road with his 4x4 and boat.. (only wants to chase his passion, I had to recover from 7 years working in a shithole)

Yes I was smoking too much weed but I was committed to stop and getting my act together anyway..

After getting dumped like this in a new town, no support network, living in a car, starting a 4 am job, getting clean, sleep deprived and hart broken... I survived!

Loving life to the fullest and hope to meet a girl who is also a romantic lover as me!

But yeah what is love got to do with it?

Haha not sure what love is anymore..

Feel free to let me know what you think love is as I'm not sure, I'm hopeless romantic and lost trust in love and just want to become a player..

Life goes on and I wouldn't have it any other way how it went. Thanks to her I at least got clean in no time! I just can't believe how big of an ego death I had..

So many red flags I missed!

To everyone: keep loving yourself and when you get dumped, don't doubt yourself too much as I believe most people don't mind playing with people's love... And second chances? Hmm don't believe in them too much either I guess..

[ExpatInItaly]

8 minutes ago, dub fx said:

Getting dumped after taking care of her house, getting her dog to loose couple kg's, cleaning the dirty walls, pool, fixing shutters and doors, ..while she was on holidays. Doing my best to be the most romantic lover

This comment below tells me that while you are making porgress, you're still not really getting it:

9 minutes ago, dub fx said:

In return: Getting overwhelmed with all those friends for 9 days, restricted sex, getting dumped as she planned.

That's not really fair, OP. She saw red flags in you too, and she didn't owe it to you to continue dating you. It's kind and thoughful that you did those things, but that doesn't mean they outweighed the disadvantages she saw in contiuing the relationship. She was right to have big concenrs, and she didn't do you dirty by deciding to end it. Try not to villainize her for that. 

12 minutes ago, dub fx said:

I believe most people don't mind playing with people's love

She didn't play with you love,, just as you didn't play with hers. You two tried, but she made an informed decision to call it off. That's her prerogative and it doesn't mean she played you in some way. She didn't owe it to you to stick around through what you yourself describe as an addiction. 

Continue working on yourself. You're making positive steps. But don't try to cast her as the bad guy for dumping you, so to speak. She wasn't. This just wasn't the right relationship for either of you. 

[dub fx]

Remembering comments from her like: low maintenance woman have expensive hobbies. Her dad saying aah your just a travelling chef.. My mom tells me to sort out my s*** because i've couple grand in credit cards. Your mom and dad worked hard to get the house you are staying in,... 

And when she got back from holidays spending 3 weeks with her family in France which she first invited me for and than changed her mind prior too. I was like yeah of course spend quality time with family. Family is everything.. but the parents just don't like me.. I'm not a true aussie..

And the first day she got back she did not really engage sex straight away and when we finally got on I know I felt already it was not passioned.. and then all those friends over ?? Makes me believe she made up her mind with the family while I was house sitting..

I feel like if it's true love you are willing to step in that boxing ring together, fight the battles together and work on building an empire together. But I feel like our social class will never work out together. 

i do have potential running my own buisness, I will maybe never be the richest dude ever but I would do my own passions and make my own choices not so much based upon my parents opinions.

That is my opinion still..

And the end she fed me a lot of crumbs too and then when her family was over again she said she was done for good.. by a text and blocked me when I asked for a closure catch up. Part ways on nice way, we have spend 8 months together but she said she did not have to own me that even if I think it's mean.. well I gave myself closure as you can see..

[ExpatInItaly]

14 hours ago, dub fx said:

I feel like if it's true love you are willing to step in that boxing ring together, fight the battles together and work on building an empire together

I don't mean to be unkind but this is a rather naive and unrealistic view of love. It's the stuff of movies, not real life.

In real life, people have boundaries and standards. People change their minds, which is their right. You speak as if this was a very long-term relationship, but it wasn't. It didn't even last a year. Your expectations are disproportionate to the time spent together, and agian, it's simply not fair of you to expect her to fight all these battles with you. 

Keep working on yourself. Keep perspective next time and remember that life is not a romance movie. 

 

[Gebidozo]

19 hours ago, dub fx said:

Feel free to let me know what you think love is as I'm not sure, I'm hopeless romantic and lost trust in love and just want to become a player..

So many red flags I missed!

To everyone: keep loving yourself and when you get dumped, don't doubt yourself too much as I believe most people don't mind playing with people's love... And second chances? Hmm don't believe in them too much either I guess..

OP, you make it sound like she was your wife of 25 years, to whom you were an ideal husband and who suddenly dumped you when things got tough for you. 

First of all, even in that case there is no real reason to victimize yourself. Stuff like that does happen. People change. People hurt each other when their feelings change. 

More importantly, in your case, it was just a short relationship that didn’t work out. There is no reason for you to become a “player”. Continue being a romantic, but understand that being a romantic doesn’t mean expecting every girl you date to love you unconditionally and stay with you forever.

[basil67]

@dub fx You seem to have made no progress since you wrote your first post in late July: your update is simply a regurgitation of what you wrong then.  

It is clear why she thought you were not a good prospect for a relationship. 

Edited September 4 by basil67

[semble]

On 9/3/2024 at 3:25 PM, dub fx said:

Update!

Getting dumped after taking care of her house, getting her dog to loose couple kg's, cleaning the dirty walls, pool, fixing shutters and doors, ..while she was on holidays. Doing my best to be the most romantic lover. Becauw im such a postive nice guy you know, thats what I do for people who I like...

In return: Getting overwhelmed with all those friends for 9 days, restricted sex, getting dumped as she planned.

 

You were/are a drug addict and you lied to her about how bad it was.

This is your takeaway? That you were basically used and she was ungrateful?

She was probably miserable and traumatized herself, while you make it sound like you were nothing more than a handyman to her.

You've got a ways to go yet.

 

[dub fx]

I think it is because I saw her in town, my mind raced, my hart beated so fast... she walked past and I said hi..
my progress of getting over her went backwards.
My emotions got the better of me.. I did play victim and got angry again..
I should not care about it too much because it's over.
Maybe I do need some therapy for this one..

I might feel a bit victimised too because I had it so hard without social support network, went trough hell..

I got so invented in this relation becuase she said I love you so fast, I give you this partner visa, I really want kids, got introduced so quick to friends and family. Her saying; so glad I found you, you are really the one for me.
Maybe this brain washed me a little and I believed for the first time in my life this the one I'm going to get married and have kids with!

I really do think I can see my situation slowly more clear again but still I'm thinking about her too much... I just can't get her out of my mind but feel less hopeless hart broken..

I know I was abusing weed and was not too honest about how much..

She really liked me and our connection was so good I expected she would give me a second chance. But at the end I think she did not want to because of her parents influence wich makes me angry again..

I might be better off with someone new too.. letting go sucks of someone you really like is not easy...

Some relationships are only ment to teach you a lesson, and they are not ment to stay for always I guess. I learned my lesson and she told me that I learned her how it should be to be I'm a nice relationship. Maybe we both win and loose..

I wish my mind could not sometimes get so over ruled by my hart.. love sucks when you just want to be loved by that other person so bad and I hope I did not traumatised her too much.. I feel bad amd wish I could apologise..

[basil67]

2 minutes ago, dub fx said:

But at the end I think she did not want to because of her parents influence wich makes me angry again..

Why would this make you angry?   If you were a half decent parent, and your child disclosed issues arising from dating a stoner, I'm sure you'd have a discussion about them being a really poor choice.   I would certainly do this if it were my daughter.

If you want to make any improvement, you'd do well to start owning your own choices and behaviour - and accepting that they have consequences.   Because at this point, all I'm seeing is a whole lot of moaning and playing the victim.