Wife of 17 years finally spills the beans

[bummedbythiscommunity]

I'm not even sure where to begin but I'm really a mess.

I overheard my wife on the phone having a conversation she never should have been having.  She knew she was "caught" and was incredibly apologetic and wanted to do anything she could to fix things.  She told me a bunch of things she had been involved in that she shouldn't but she wanted to be done with all that and save our marriage with 3 kids involved.  Then over the next few months more and more of these "caught" situations came up when I caught her obviously lying when she was supposedly explaining things to me.  Sorry if that doesn't make sense but basically she hadn't been telling the whole truth and there was so much more that kept leaking out over time.  The first couple months, I was just a complete mess and it felt like my world had ended.  I'm not really much better now but maybe I'm getting used to this awful place I'm in and can at least start to think a little.  I've got these three kids to make sure are safe and well taken care of and with trying to be somewhat sane at work and not fall apart and pay the bills and just live life, this is all so much.  I've always been this strong guy who can deal with anything but this is different and so hard.

That phone conversation I overheard was her trying to get back together with a guy she went to college with who I happened to be doing a business deal with.  He lived in another state and she was hoping my company would sign a contract with him so maybe he would come to town and she could have sex with him.  After that conversation she admitted that she was basically this guys f*** toy in college and did whatever he wanted her to and she liked it.  This is my supposedly pure and innocent wife who never indicated anything other than two boyfriends before we met and no drugs use and just that pure innocent good family Christian upbringing.  My brain just didn't know what to even do with what she was saying and I still don't.

Then from there, when she was caught in other lies, she admitted more and more.  Weekends she supposedly went to her sisters to have girl time weren't that.  It was her going to meet guys and f*** them.  Her sister ran scrimmage for her in all of this too!   It was like she is this completely different person somehow.  Nice Mom & Wife during the week and then she goes and f***s a bunch of guys on the weekend visiting her sister?  Pretty much that's what it was.  How do I even process this has really happened?

I'm not sure this next part that she really wanted to ague about is a good thing or a bad one.  It's all bad but this is a really hard argument of "faithfulness" that is hard to stomach.  With the exception of this one guy I was going a business deal with that she hoped would come to town, she never slept with guys twice.  She said after having sex with someone once, it just wasn't fun anymore and to get her thrill, it had to be someone new.  So she was actually arguing with me that I didn't have to worry about her having an affair because of the 100's of times she'd had sex behind my back, only a handful were repeats.  She wrote me this long letter explaining in excruciating detail how what she liked was getting a guys attention and the first time he would go inside her and making him cum - she had ALL of his attention in every way.  She got off on that but the second time around, she had just a little less of his attention and it wasn't the same so she'd go after someone new.

Over 4 months, I've learned that she has slept with a huge number of people that I run into in normal life.  When my son broke his arm, the emergency room dr was one of them.  I remember there was something odd about how the dr reacted when he walked in but I didn't have any clue what it was.  Well a few weeks before my son's broken arm, he had sex with my wife.  Turns out he was one of the guys she did it a few times with - thanks so much for emphasizing that to me!!!  I HATE HATE HATE ALL OF THIS!!!!!  She was quite popular in a circle of Drs and dentists and chiropractors in our town and yes that includes many of the the people the kids and I went to.  I cannot even begin to explain how this can of worms that was opened up when I overheard that conversation has completely changed and ruined my life.  If I could somehow go back and unhear that conversation and be in the dark for the rest of my life, I'm not sure I wouldn't choose that.  The brazen way she was starting to do things had no way of staying a secret but man what I wouldn't give to unknow so much right now.

I run a fairly successful business and she's been an at home mom for many years.  Now that the kids are older and in school, she's had lots of time on her hands and been using that time in really bad ways.  I was always encouraging her to go do things she enjoyed and figure out what she may want to focus on if she got a job or volunteered or whatever.  It wasn't about her needing to go make money but find what she was passionate about in life.  That's what I kept encouraging my wife to do.  The sick part is that is what she did.  She's passionate about f***ing everyone else's husbands it turns out.

So here I am with these kids to raise, a "wife" if you want to call her that, trying to hold together a business that I'm a horrible leader of now no focus, and I'm just a mess.  My wife keep apologizing for all of what she's done and these things that keep coming out.  She knows how devastated I am and she clearly feels horrible about what she's done to me - lots of sobbing conversations and nights together.  Unfortunately I don't believe that means she will magically become some changed woman.  She's said that she has always wanted to kiss a girl but knew way back in college that if she ever did that she would be hooked.  She tells me that like she's some saint for staying "pure" that way.  Now she's asked if maybe it would make me feel better if she were to bring other women into our bedroom.  Part of me wants to SCREAM WHAT THE f*** IS WRONG WITH YOU????  And there's this other part of me that's so drained and hurt and who's world has ended and I've caught myself thinking well maybe that would be a nice break from life for an hour.  I know she's just trying to suck me into her world of badness.  I can't deny that it isn't interesting to me though in a truly f***ed up way.  I feel like some rape victim pretending it wasn't rape to get my power back and going back to the same person to reclaim my power.  Yes, she did that as a teenager and in college when she was raped twice.  Something I never knew about until recently.  I'm just so messed up in my head and full of tears and wanting to love my kids well and care for them and not break up their family but I have no clue how to keep this all together.  And I HATE what my wife has done to my and the kids.  I HATE who I now know she is.  And then there are times she's so apologetic and caring and wanting to make things right in whatever ways she can.  

Sorry this has gotten long and I'm not really sure if it makes any sense at all but I'm not going back and re-reading it.  I just needed to get this out.  The pain and hurt inside is just too much and I need to vomit it all out somehow.  I just have no clue how to do that.

Edited July 30, 2024 by deepfitdude

[bummedbythiscommunity]

Please for anyone who wants to ask how I could have let all this happen right under my nose, please just don't.  I'm pretty sure I already feel stupid enough. Getting busy with life and kids and feeling like everything is fine it seems leads to sweeping any warning signs of things under the rug.  I trusted this woman intrinsically in every way and never even questioned that my wife could choose to hurt me or the kids.  It's definitely a wakeup call to trust but verify with everyone and everything in life.  With a heavy dose of verify.  

[Gebidozo]

Oh man. So sorry this is happening to you.

I think the first thing you should do is send your wife away. Her presence in your house is a constant reminder and renewer of your pain, a perpetual scratching of a wound that needs time to heal. 

I don’t think it’s possible to mend a relationship with a person who has been lying and deceiving on a scale of this magnitude and over such a long time period. Her tearful apologies aren’t indicative of true remorse. Her claim that somehow her constant cheating was “faithful” because she never had a long affair is beyond ridiculous. She’s talking about adding a woman to your bed instead of addressing her obviously deep mental and emotional issues. Her behavior borders on pathological. I think it would be better for you to divorce.

Hang in there and try to be mentally and physically fit enough to keep functioning. Focus on your work and your kids. Surround yourself with friends and family, immerse yourself in something you like doing.

It is definitely a wake up call, not just to you but to all those men who want to marry “pure, innocent girls with a traditional upbringing”. Over and over, you hear about those “innocent” girls going completely off rails later in their life. Repressive, hypocritical sexual education that poses unrealistic demands has nothing to do with purity or innocence, often it just messes up a person’s sexuality, causing it to take a ugly shapes that resurge when you least expect it. 

 

 

 

 

[BreakOnThrough]

The wife you knew is dead, treat her like that going forward.

Oh, and get a paternity test on the kids, they may not be yours biologically.  

Edited July 31, 2024 by BreakOnThrough

[Els]

2 hours ago, BreakOnThrough said:

Oh, and get a paternity test on the kids, they may not be yours biologically.  

It would be insane to do that with kids of school age. None of this is their fault and there's no sense in dragging them through the mud to take revenge on their mother. These kids aren't infants who haven't bonded with him and who won't comprehend the meaning of it - they've viewed him as their dad all their lives,  and they're old enough to know what's going on and to be hurt by it.

In many jurisdictions, it's not even going to make a difference for child support - if you've lived with those kids for years as their father, you are their father, regardless of whether they are biologically yours. In jurisdictions where this isn't true and you could waive all your parental obligations, you'd be giving up all parental rights (e.g. visitation) at the same time, which hardly seems worth it.

But anyway, wow, what a doozy of a "partner", huh. I think you need to talk to a lawyer about a divorce ASAP, OP.

 

Edited July 31, 2024 by Els

[S2B]

Sorry about your awful situation.

time to divorce her - she hasn’t been a wife at all! Go get professional counseling - you need to learn what consequences to implement to someone who purposely ruined your family and your life with their consistent awful choices.

treat her as if she isn’t your wife - because she hasn’t been a wife at all.

 

[mark clemson]

Certainly a very sad situation. If your wife turned cheating on you into one of her "main pastimes" I don't think anyone can blame you for doing what you have to do (short of violence, that is) to recover/remove yourself from the emotional distress.

[seamusharper]

Stories like this make me really not want to get married. And this was nearly two decades ago, I shudder to think what women nowadays are doing that will prevent them from being faithful down the line.

As others have said, your wife is dead to you at this point. All that matters is yourself and your kids. Obviously divorce is on the table but that will be difficult financially, emotionally, etc. Definitely seek therapy to help you through all of this as it's crucial to talk these things out with someone you can trust.

[Gebidozo]

5 hours ago, seamusharper said:

I shudder to think what women nowadays are doing that will prevent them from being faithful down the line.

Err… that was a bit weirdly worded. First, it’s not “women”, it’s that woman, OP’s wife. Second, if you’re inclined to generalize, then just say “people”, since there is nothing gender-specific in that story. Some men behave just like the OP’s wife, and there are unfortunately quite a lot of them.

Third, there is no such thing as “doing something that will prevent you from being faithful down the line”. Being or not being faithful is a choice that can be made instantly, at any time, without any prerequisites. That the OP’s wife had a wild past has absolutely nothing to do with her subsequent lies and cheating. I know virgins that started doing comparable things after they got married. I know women with a very colorful sexual past that got married and remained completely faithful to their husbands. There is no correlation here.

[bummedbythiscommunity]

Thanks everyone for sharing your thoughts.  I know I need to hear all of this but some things you said are really hard.  I'm feeling a bit like I just got punched in the stomach again.  Until I just read what was said, I never even considered the possibility that one of my kids may not be mine.  How that never even entered my mind after all my wife has said, I don't know but it just didn't.  My youngest has always been the one that just didn't look like me but I never gave that a second thought other than it was a little odd.  These kids are mine no matter what and I will love them exactly as I always have!  My youngest is only 8 and doesn't deserve any of this - none of them deserve any of this.  How can this sort of thing even possibly happen?!!!!  I don't even want to think about that as actually being a possibility - too much right now.

I have spoken with an attorney and was told evin if my wife admitted to a judge the she did all this, there would still be a 99% chance she would have at least 50% parenting time.  And the attorney was clear that just because she is a woman, there's a chance she could push for more time than 50% and likely could get it espeically since she has always been the at home mom.  He also said that it's almost guaranteed there would be a forced sale of my company if she pushed for that at all.  So this person who has caused all this harm will be given the power to cause even more havock in mine and the kids lives.  As sick as it is, the only way I probably have of having the most control of how my kids grow up is to actually stay married to this person.  I'm not sure that is even possible at this point.  We own some cabins near our home and have each been sleeping there sometimes to get some space and the other person staying at home with the kids. As sad as it may sound to you all that I still want good for our relationship, I asked my wife on a date tonight and asked her to meet me at a special place in town.  I feel sick to my stomach now thinking about this but I was so exited to see my wife.  We parked and she walked up to my driver's door and stood so I couldn't get out so I rolled down the window to say hi and talk about what we were going to do.  She said, "I'm glad I did all those things to hurt you" and turned around and walked away.  These past couple days in any communication with her, it's clear that her being sorry for anything she's done has turned into something else completely.  I'm back at home with the kids the kids in bed and I hate life

[IrinaM]

55 minutes ago, deepfitdude said:

And the attorney was clear that just because she is a woman, there's a chance she could push for more time than 50% and likely could get it espeically since she has always been the at home mom.  He also said that it's almost guaranteed there would be a forced sale of my company if she pushed for that at all. 

I'm sorry but this just reads very manosphere-ish. All of it, not just the quoted part. I don't know what else to say. Good luck.

[Gebidozo]

3 hours ago, deepfitdude said:

So this person who has caused all this harm will be given the power to cause even more havock in mine and the kids lives.  As sick as it is, the only way I probably have of having the most control of how my kids grow up is to actually stay married to this person.

That’s what you’re most worried about?.. Staying married for those reasons is a terrible idea. Your kids will grow up in a toxic atmosphere full of resentment and lies. That is far worse than divorce. Please don’t stay in this marriage. Especially because…

 

3 hours ago, deepfitdude said:

She said, "I'm glad I did all those things to hurt you" and turned around and walked away.  These past couple days in any communication with her, it's clear that her being sorry for anything she's done has turned into something else completely.

You really can’t stay together with a person who thinks and acts that way.

I wonder, though, what caused her to want to hurt you. Did she tell you that?

[basil67]

On 7/31/2024 at 5:21 AM, deepfitdude said:

When my son broke his arm, the emergency room dr was one of them.  I remember there was something odd about how the dr reacted when he walked in but I didn't have any clue what it was.  Well a few weeks before my son's broken arm, he had sex with my wife.  Turns out he was one of the guys she did it a few times with - thanks so much for emphasizing that to me!!!  I HATE HATE HATE ALL OF THIS!!!!!  She was quite popular in a circle of Drs and dentists and chiropractors in our town and yes that includes many of the the people the kids and I went to.

No way did this happen 🙄

[bummedbythiscommunity]

I wish you were correct in saying this all didn't happen. I would have said the same thing a few months ago I'm sure. Enjoy every day that you can because life can change so quickly with some bad diagnosis or car accident or conversation overheard. 

[bummedbythiscommunity]

She didn't say anything more and I have no clue why her attitude of being mostly sorry has turned into this.  I'm sure she just like me has to realize her nice world is going to forever changed and she'll lose so much in the process.  I definitely don't trust her at all especially after tonight.  Time to take some hard steps I know.  I wish I had a clue how to protect these kids from having their world ripped apart.

[basil67]

1 hour ago, deepfitdude said:

I wish you were correct in saying this all didn't happen. I would have said the same thing a few months ago I'm sure. Enjoy every day that you can because life can change so quickly with some bad diagnosis or car accident or conversation overheard. 

My mantra for life: If it doesn't make sense, it's probably not true.   And it doesn't make sense that all these medicos, who likely have loving relationships, were porking your wife.  And the ER Doctor would have possibly been risking his license.

Had you mentioned random men who were entirely unconnected, I might have believed it....but her story (or this post)  is BS

Edited August 2, 2024 by basil67

[semble]

7 hours ago, deepfitdude said:

I have spoken with an attorney and was told evin if my wife admitted to a judge the she did all this, there would still be a 99% chance she would have at least 50% parenting time.  

I won't question the validity of this story because it's against the rules. Gotta love summer vacation though. I think it's too much time off for the children.  Hopefully the Op isn't painting colorful words on buildings in between posts. 
 

I will say however, for the benefit of anyone who might be in a similar situation and who might come across this thread and take it seriously that the quoted part above is not in any way close to reality just about everywhere. 
 

infidelity is not considered by the courts unless the children are directly affected and are in danger of abuse or neglect. Even then, moms are still widely favored as the primary caregiver even if they are the one who strayed. 
 

Every attorney knows this. 

Edited August 2, 2024 by semble

[basil67]

1 hour ago, semble said:

infidelity is not considered by the courts unless the children are directly affected and are in danger of abuse or neglect. Even then, moms are still widely favored as the primary caregiver even if they are the one who strayed   

Your spelling is American, so I imagine you’re talking about US laws. The rest of the world  would vary.   Where I am, 50/50 custody is preferable (and infidelity is also not considered by the courts)

Edited August 2, 2024 by basil67

[bummedbythiscommunity]

For anyone wanting to say BS to what I've shared.  Please spend your time doing something else.  Your accusations aren't helpful and don't feel good to read.  I decided to post here because I read some other things on this site where people were genuinely helpful and gave insight to people in tough situations.  I realize that anyone can post pretty much whatever they want here.  I would ask though if you are not going to be helpful or caring please move on to another topic where you feel like engaging positively.  Your saying BS on me or saying I'm painting words on building - whatever that implies - doesn't make what I've shared any less true or any less of a difficult situation.

As far as parenting time and the courts taking her extra-marital activities into account, I assure you what I've shared from the attorney I consulted is accurate. In the vast majority of the USA, this is the case with very few exceptions from what I've read as well.  It should not be that way.  Mothers should not be given preference over fathers.  What I think should or shouldn't be how things work doesn't really matter however.  All that matters is understanding how it works in the real world and doing my best to protect these kids from a woman who I now see as an increasing threat to their safety and upbringing.  After talking with the attorney and what my wife did last night, I'm realizing how important it is going to be to play my cards right to help ensure my kids remain in a safe and good place as much as I can possibly influence that.  It's really scary feeling like everything is stacked against you as a man in a divorce setting but from everything I am learning that is in fact the case most places in the US.

[bummedbythiscommunity]

It was mentioned above that it doesn't make sense how all these medical folks who were so happily married were having sex with my wife.  I can't speak to them all being happiliy married but I can speak to what my wife has shared about herself and what she has done.  She wrote me this long letter a while back about "discovering myself" which was aweful to read but I think she was pretty honest in it and actually did some self reflection when she wrote it.  She shared how sex to her was more about getting somone's whole attention and controlling them for a while.  There's no doubt it's also about sex for her but her pleasure apparently is much more about controlling men than about attractoin or quality of sex.  She explained it as anyone she could make cum felt like it was taking something from them and having it for herself.  She always insisted on no condoms she said not a single guy ever complained about that.  As her husband to contemplate what that all was like is disgusting.  How she doesn't have a million diseases right now I have no clue but she claims she never got anything and always felt married men were safe that way.  Also, married men to her were worth more because they were giving her even more power than a single guy could.  She's pretty and in very good shape and can be very seductive so if she set her mind to sleep with half the town, I don't think she's have that much trouble doing it.  There's some seriously messed up thinking driving her.  I understand from her that these rapes from long ago have come back into her thinking in the past few years and really haunted her and likely been a big driver in all of this.  There is NO! excuse for what she has done and to me this is even beyond those things that happened long ago.  it seems to be almost more of a bipolar / manic thing though I'm not well versed in that at all, it seems to have some similarities.  I'm not going to pretend to understand or diagnose but I do think her self reflection and sharing in that letter were pretty insightful to why she does things or at least what seems to drive her.  It's one thing to sort of be clinical in understanding this.  It is a whole other thing to actually think about all of this happening in real life with lots of men - my wife seducing pretty much all the married men she felt she could get away with and taking their power which was their cum to her.  That makes me sick to my stomach.  It also makes me want to understand all the "who who were they" and "how exactly did you do this" questions in my mind.  Up until these past few days, she's been more than willing to share and satisfy my morbit curiosity which honestly I wish she hadn't because now I have these things in my head that I wish I never knew.  I could just as well have known she had some affairs but all of this is too much.  Don't ask questions you don't actually want bad answers to would be my advice.  

 

Time to try and get some work done.  If there are any people out there who pick up the slack when your boss is going through hard times, MAJOR blessings to you all.  If it hadn't been for my office manager these past months, the business would have I'm sure had to close.  I have been awful in not showing up because I just couldn't get myself out of bed in the morning or had been crying and didn't want to face the world or whatever badness I was dealing with.  Thankfully I don't like alcohol and scared of drugs or I'd be in way worse shape than I am now.

[introverted1]

1 hour ago, deepfitdude said:

Mothers should not be given preference over fathers.  What I think should or shouldn't be how things work doesn't really matter however. 

I think you should speak to another attorney.  50/50 custody is the default in the US unless one parent can establish that the other is unfit. 

[IrinaM]

7 hours ago, basil67 said:

My mantra for life: If it doesn't make sense, it's probably not true.   And it doesn't make sense that all these medicos, who likely have loving relationships, were porking your wife.  And the ER Doctor would have possibly been risking his license.

same here. And please understand what these sorts of fantasy-thought-experiments (which litter the internet) sound like to us women. They sound like hateful misogynistic anti-woman propaganda. These stories aren't true, but they're meant to be believed, in order to spread harmful ideas that actually do affect us women in real life. The idea that inside every seemingly sweet and innocent seeming devoted wife is a shameless wh0re who loves to mistreat men. You'll never know until you're at least ten years in, it'll pop up out of nowhere! And she can get away with it too, and maybe even profit off it, because hey, wimmins. It's best to just pump them and dump them and never commit and have love only for your bros, lest you wind up like OP:(

[bummedbythiscommunity]

Sorry IrinaM but I have no idea what you're trying to say but it doesn't seem like anything helpful for this situation.  You're welcome to think I'm making up some terrible fantasy story all you want.  I truly wish that was what was going on.  I don't hate women and I certainly don't hate my wife though I'm incredibly hurt by her and afraid about how she may try to harm me and also harm the kids. I believe right now her even being around the kids while she is behaving as she is currently is harming them.

Thanks Introverted1 - I definitely will be speaking to a couple attorneys and seeking recommendations from some friends who have been down this path.  This person I already talked to is considered one of the top family law attorneys in the area so I doubt she is way off in the weeds in what she has told me but once again trust but VERIFY!  I agree that 50/50 parenting split is the standard goal in most cases.  In the case of full-time at home mom's and especially ones who press for more time and say the father works and she is better to be there after school and such, often times in this area I live, the attorney has been clear it is not uncommon that the father only gets weekends and sometimes only every other weekend.  I've had friends who were divorced in the past and I always remembered feeling like they must have had a really bad attorney because they got screwed with parenting time.  Well, it seems like I was just an overly judgemental a**h*** friend in thinking that and that may be how things work in the real world in this area no matter how hard you fight and no matter how much money is available.  I will admit, it's tempting to just take the kids and go live somewhere else at least temporarily so my wife doesn't bring her chaos into their lives which feels like she is starting to do in big ways.  I'm guessing that gets me and my license plate on some billboard amber alert though.  I hope my wife reverts to the version of herself who was sorry for all of this like she was a few days ago and wanted to work to make things as good as possible but the person I saw last night was clearly ready to just cause pain for anyone around her.  

Edited August 2, 2024 by deepfitdude
clarified some things that didn't make sense.

[ExpatInItaly]

On 7/30/2024 at 9:21 PM, deepfitdude said:

Unfortunately Fortunately I don't believe that means she will magically become some changed woman.

Fixed that for you. 

Why? Because some people fall into such deep denial that they refuse to see the truth - that some marriages need to end. You have had some horrible blows, but you're clear-headed enough to realize this isn't ever going to get better. She isn't going to change. 

You are already in a better position than people who cling on to a toxic mess of a relationship because they want to believe a far-fetched fantasy that things can turn around. So they sign themselves up for even more misery. Mentally, you're in a clearer place. 

[bummedbythiscommunity]

I unuderstand what you are saying Expat.  My heart would always wish this to be a mended good relationship.  Reality screams it never will be and things are so broken even the romantic happy ending part of me realizes that is simply not going to happen.  Oddly enough, it wasn't really all the hurtful / cheating things she's done that made that painfully clear.  It was her standing there last night saying she was glad she hurt me.  That's hard to hear but was very clearly said by this person I didn't even know and could no longer trust at all.