I'm the other woman and I feel pathetic.

[owl4833]

Hi. I (23F) am so in love and feel almost obsessed with this man (36) and it makes me feel disgusting. This is going to be very long so I apologize in advance. 

At the beginning of this year, I tried online dating because I don't go out much and live in a rural area. My last relationship wasn't the best so it also felt somewhat safer to slowly get to know someone like that. The very first person I hit it off with was him. He lives over 10 hours away so we're long distance. We instantly clicked and started talking non-stop. We both work from home (him always and me most of the time) so talking so much was easy for us to manage. Being on the phone together for hours, video calling, texting and sending pics back and forth all day, etc. I had never talked to someone that it just felt so easy with. It was nothing like my past relationship (and now I know that's because it wasn't genuine.) I could so easily be myself and it felt like I had known him all my life. As sappy as that sounds. My insecurities melted away. He never made me feel judged or bad about myself. I told him EVERYTHING and I thought he did the same. He's my best friend. We are always laughing together and he makes the most boring days so much fun... even just through a phone call or FaceTime call. He's even talked to some of my friends. It wasn't long before we were saying I love you and making plans for the future and meeting in person. 

I found out last month that he's married. We were on the phone when he accidentally fell asleep. I stayed on the call because this wasn't uncommon for us to do and we would actually nap together pretty often. It's just comforting to hear him breathing / snoring in his sleep and to feel like we're together. Lol. But after a while, I heard some noise and a woman's voice. He woke up pretty much instantly and quickly ended the call without saying anything. I was so confused. Long story short, he finally confessed everything. He's married and they have kids together. His wife doesn't know about me. I have tried to leave multiple times but always end up reaching back out. I feel so weak.

There were some red flags that seem obvious now. Such as him having to get off the phone at a certain time every day during the week and being less responsive after or on the weekends. Only taking pics or video calling from certain areas of his home. Him not having any social media felt normal when he explained that he's just a private person and doesn't like putting himself out there. Plus he's older so it didn't seem weird at all. I now think that's obviously because he doesn't want the women he talks to online to find out about his true life. Not saying I'm not the only one he's talked to, but I wouldn't be surprised. Being so in love but still not meeting in person because something always 'came up' for him. He knows my address and has sent me things in the mail but was kind of weird about giving me his and didn't want me to send him anything. He knows EVERY SINGLE DETAIL about me and my life. Everything. I now am realizing that he has been so secretive with his side of things and I don't know as much. I just didn't think that someone would or could lie like that. I was so happy that I was ignoring all the glaringly obvious signs. I know that sounds so stupid. He felt so genuine. I believed all the excuses he gave me and it never even crossed my mind.

I know I need to leave. I don't know how. I feel obsessed with this. He's MARRIED. He has children with her. A whole double life. He even finally admitted that while he loves me, he loves her too. I truly think he's not going to ever leave her. And would I really want to be with someone that could do this? No. So why am I here? I can tell that he's content with their life together. I'm just some entertainment he has on the side or something. I make him feel good and wanted. So WHYYYYYY am I so weak and pathetic that I'm still talking to him? What is wrong with me? I wouldn't want this to happen to me if I was his wife. Everything was a lie. EVERYTHING. Why am I being so horrible by letting this go on after I found out? I don't even know her name or his kids' names. He has no online presence. I can't find anything about him online. Is his name actually even his name? Before I would say that's crazy but not so much now. I still just love him so much. I feel panicky when I'm not talking to him. I feel lost when I'm not talking to him. Now that he knows I know the truth, he doesn't even try to hide anything. He'll say he has to go because his wife is on her way home, mention things about her, about his children. He'll tell me when we can spend time together on the phone because his wife and children will be gone doing something and I am so excited about it. Just for a little bit of his time. Constantly telling him I miss him and feel so sad. How pathetic is that!? I tell him it makes me upset and that I feel bad but I think he knows that I'm weak because I didn't leave so he basically can do or say whatever now. He's changed. He's becoming more demanding and dominant acting and I just go along with it. He's not so nice anymore. I guess he never truly was very nice. 

PLEASE someone give me some advice, tough love, something. How can I get over this? What do I do? I feel so disgusting. 

[mark clemson]

As I understand it, people who live "double lives" tend to be high on the sociopathy spectrum, so that's an issue. He's lying to both of you - that suggests this is more like a "game" to him than emotional caring about you and/or starting a new relationship due to genuine dissatisfaction with the existing one.  It VERY STRONGLY suggests he has no sincere interest in leaving his wife and/or being with you in a committed long term relationship. It's "just fun" for him, nor is he overly worried about you feeling hurt.

I think at some level you recognize this, which is why you feel bad about your sincere emotional connection to him.

Edited July 31 by mark clemson

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, owl4833 said:

I still just love him so much. I feel panicky when I'm not talking to him. I feel lost when I'm not talking to him.

This is all about you, it has nothing to do with him. You realize that right? You have formed an unhealthy attachment to this man (for all the reasons you yourself described above) and the idea of ending contact increases your anxiety -

The solution here is counselling. You need to seek support to develop better boundaries and learn some better coping skills.

And if counselling is not available, you do what women have done for many years when trying to recover from a breakup - you confide in a good friend, you develop a plan of what to do with your time when you would normally talk with this man (ie. call a friend, find a new hobby, binge a great series, go for a walk), and you buy some self help books and a journal. Good luck. 

Edited July 31 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, owl4833 said:

It was nothing like my past relationship (and now I know that's because it wasn't genuine.)

It’s because he wasn’t genuine but also because it wasn’t real. Long distance/virtual relationships that develop this kind of intimacy without even meeting in real life are often based more in fantasy than reality. That’s why it felt NOTHING like your past relationship - because it was nothing like your past relationship. In a way, this relationship was an escape for both of you. You were both enjoying the honeymoon period of a new relationship when you are learning about a new person and it’s all sunshine and rainbows… you were also doing this in the context of a relationship where you can share only what you want to share with each other, it requires minimal effort, and there is none of the mundane day to day boredom or conflict of an actual relationship. Long distance/virtual relationships are their own kind of insulated bubble. There is a reason why both of you sought this kind of relationship and that is because it’s not a typical relationship with it’s own risk, effort, and conflict. To even attempt to compare the two is like comparing apples and oranges…

Edited July 31 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, owl4833 said:

There were some red flags that seem obvious now.

I would suggest that the red flags started much earlier - you were feeling socially isolated, you had been hurt by your past relationship and rather than healing that, you decided to try to protect yourself by finding a “safe” relationship that was low risk and low effort. But then, your life began to revolve around this man because you didn’t have healthy boundaries in this relationship - you spent WAY too much time talking to this man and you shared more than you should have shared with a virtual stranger. 
 

2 hours ago, owl4833 said:

It wasn't long before we were saying I love you and making plans for the future and meeting in person. 

It is a HUGE red flag that you were professing love and planning a future with a man that you had never met in person. That is crazy!! 

So yeah, there are so many red flags here that you could have a parade… your job now is to end it, do what you need to do to become a wiser, stronger, and more resilient person so that you can then find a happier, healthier relationship for yourself. 

Edited July 31 by BaileyB

[S2B]

You don’t know how to end it?

you never ever communicate with him again! That’s how you end it! 
 

this leaves YOU space for an available man to be in your life! As long as he is your distraction - you aren’t as likely to seek out an available man.

next time - spend $50 and do a thorough background check online at the beginning of talking to anyone you are interested in.

the OM is selfish and a liar. Nothing good will come from keeping in touch with him. Cut ties and stay busy for the first month or so. It’s gonna hurt but you can get through it.

[Gebidozo]

OP, the first thing you need to do is stop lying to yourself. “He is my best friend”, “I’m so in love with him”… For the love of God! You need to learn to love and respect yourself. You never had any relationship, love, or friendship with that creep. You just imagined everything. You know why? Because you were afraid of having a real relationship. So you found recluse in a delusion and invented one.

Block that weirdo completely and irreversibly, and start doing some soul searching. Restore your self respect and your courage. Men aren’t all jerks, and when some are, shame on them. But shame on you if you let a jerk continuously manipulate and control you. Get your freedom back. Reclaim your free will. Get therapy if needed. And then start dating normal, real men. There is no guarantee your heart won’t be broken, but it will be a real heartbreak, a real experience. And you’ll have a chance of finding a good man.

A tip for the future: never invest emotionally in a guy who says “I love you” over the phone, without having met you in person. Or convinces you that video sessions qualify as a relationship.

[ExpatInItaly]

You don't love him, OP. 

You love the idea of him, which you have come to find out is a farce. You love the attention you get from him. You love feeling important and flattered and desirable. (all quite normal, most of us love those feelings) But you don't love this person for who he is, because you can't love someone you have never met - and now you are seeing he has a lot of unlovable qualities. 

You met him at a vulnerable moment in your life. Isolation and loneliness can make even a little puddle seem like a refreshing pond to dive into. And you dove in full force, without bothering to check how deep the water was or if there was pond scum floating around under the surface. Quite simply, you got caught up in the fantasy and let yourself get unhealthily attached to it. 

This man probbably hasn't even given you his real name. Understand that he doesn't love you. He manipulated you and deceived you and essentially played you for a fool. He preyed on our naivety and gulllibility. Rememeber that when you feel sad and want to talk to him. He takes you for a woman who is easily led astray. Let that sink in and I think you wiill have an easier time detaching from this creep. 

[BaileyB]

Have we scared you away owl? Or are you still reading?

I’m sorry, what he did to you was inexcusable… It’s absolutely atrocious that he would lie by omission about his marital status - or perhaps, he actually lied to you and told you that he was single. 

 

On 7/31/2024 at 2:02 PM, owl4833 said:

Now that he knows I know the truth, he doesn't even try to hide anything. He'll say he has to go because his wife is on her way home, mention things about her, about his children. He'll tell me when we can spend time together on the phone because his wife and children will be gone doing something. He basically can do or say whatever now. He's changed. He's becoming more demanding and dominant acting and I just go along with it. He's not so nice anymore.

As you know, none of this is the behavior of a man who loves or respects a woman. 
 

15 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You love the idea of him, which you have come to find out is a farce. You love the attention you get from him. You love feeling important and flattered and desirable. But you don't love this person for who he is, because you can't love someone you have never met - and now you are seeing he has a lot of unlovable qualities. 

This could not be more true, it’s very well said. Your brain understands that you have learned he has some serious flaws - some very unlovable qualities. But you are having difficulty letting go of the fantasy that you have created about this man…

You know what you have to do, you just need to find the strength to do it. I would encourage you to find a counsellor or a friend - someone who can walk beside you as you let go and find a new path for yourself…

Best wishes. 

Edited August 1 by BaileyB

[owl4833]

2 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Have we scared you away owl? Or are you still reading?

 

I'm still here. Just feeling very embarrassed and overwhelmed as I'm reading the responses. Thank you to you and everyone else who replied. 

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, owl4833 said:

I'm still here. Just feeling very embarrassed and overwhelmed as I'm reading the responses.

I’m glad that you are still here. 

Please don’t be embarrassed - you have done nothing wrong. He took advantage of your vulnerability - that’s on him. Think of how would you support a friend that was in a similar situation, you would be kind to her… would you not? Be kind to yourself. 

I have no doubt that the responses are overwhelming and probably not what you really want to hear… it doesn’t mean that they don’t come from a place of care and concern.

I heard a song yesterday that I love - Girl by Maren Morris. The chorus is - 

What you feel is natural
But I don't wanna feel this anymore
Pick yourself up off the kitchen floor
What you waitin' for?

Girl, won't you stop your cryin'?
I know that you're tryin'
Everything's gonna be okay
Baby girl, don't you hang your head low
Don't you lose your halo
Everyone's gonna be okay

I love the line - don’t you hang your head low, don’t you lose your halo… everything is going to be ok. 💕

You do need to find the strength to end this though. First, because you don’t want to contribute to the pain of another woman and her children. Don’t be that woman. But more importantly, because it’s not in your best interest to continue talking to this man. He is not a good man, he’s not who you thought he was… you need to block him. For your own well being. 

Hugs.

 

Edited August 2 by BaileyB

[Whaatamidoing]

I know you asked for tough love and the very very wise people above have given just that. I try to offer a comparison of experience in the hope that people don't end up like me. I have been there, that butterfly feeling, that feeling of we belong together, the feeling of surely he cant have this feeling with his wife. It is said, to purposely make you feel those pangs of anxiety when you are away from him, to keep you coming back for more. The feeling of being open with each other, him telling you when his wife and child are out will soon turn to jealousy when he has to go, he cant be there and you know where he is, giving someone else all his attention. 

What you are getting are called breadcrumbs. The bare minimum to keep you interested because your infatuation allows the smallest amount of attention because it feels better than none . After time, it took me almost 10 years, you do realise breadcrumbs are not enough and you are worth more than the bare minimum. Whilst you are just heading into this at 23, please get the hell out. Your story is the same as every other one on here. He wants his cake and to eat it. I was 28 when i entered into something that took me the majority of my 30s to get out of. 

You are worth so much more than an older, married cheat.

 

 

[owl4833]

On 8/5/2024 at 2:20 PM, Whaatamidoing said:

I know you asked for tough love and the very very wise people above have given just that. I try to offer a comparison of experience in the hope that people don't end up like me. I have been there, that butterfly feeling, that feeling of we belong together, the feeling of surely he cant have this feeling with his wife. It is said, to purposely make you feel those pangs of anxiety when you are away from him, to keep you coming back for more. The feeling of being open with each other, him telling you when his wife and child are out will soon turn to jealousy when he has to go, he cant be there and you know where he is, giving someone else all his attention. 

What you are getting are called breadcrumbs. The bare minimum to keep you interested because your infatuation allows the smallest amount of attention because it feels better than none . After time, it took me almost 10 years, you do realise breadcrumbs are not enough and you are worth more than the bare minimum. Whilst you are just heading into this at 23, please get the hell out. Your story is the same as every other one on here. He wants his cake and to eat it. I was 28 when i entered into something that took me the majority of my 30s to get out of. 

You are worth so much more than an older, married cheat.

 

 

I ended things. Your words helped me so much. Thank you. I haven't had any communication with him in over a week. It's been REALLY difficult and I've cried nonstop but it's getting easier as time goes on. He's tried to reach out in every way possible. He's tried crying, begging me, being mean, threatening, anything he can think of to get me to respond. I've held my ground so far. I regret it all so much and feel so gross. 

[Whaatamidoing]

You are so right, it absolutely will get easier. Make sure you do cry, buckets and buckets and if you need to write down all the things you want to say to him, it helps so much just to get it out of your mind and even say it out loud as if you are talking to him if it helps. For me, it really was like cutting an addiction but the cold turkey approach, I can see now was the only option. Think about Christmas and how much further over him you will be by that time. 

You don't have to regret as I believe experience is how we learn but I'm so proud of you for getting this far. I honestly know what you're feeling right now and you will get through it.