What would be the signs that my girlfriend is having emotional affair with language partner?

[Centurion]

What would be the signs that my girlfriend is having emotional affair with language learning partner?

 

My long-distance girlfriend has frequent calls with this male language partner and it’s caused me extreme anxiety, and I mean extreme. Hyper anxiety I call it. 
 

I don’t believe she’s shown any signs to worry - but the demon, my anxiety, says otherwise and is a constant voice that conflicts with reason. 
 

The intimacy is still great, when we met up again two weeks ago, zero mentions of his name, she also has no trouble handing over her phone (I don’t ask for it - I never do - but when we venture through New York City, she lets me use her phone to search the Maps. It’s just what we do). 
 

But I keep having these thoughts that when she says she’s having a call with XXXX, I begin to worry. My girlfriend speaks Chinese (native) and is learning English and this guy speaks both Spanish and English and is learning Chinese - once during a video chat, we were saying all kinds of phrases in languages we know. She opened her English notes book (which was there, on her desk, when I visited her - it was never moved, hidden, etc) she read off a phrase in Spanish and then said “XXXX taught me this, he is speaks Spanish and English”. That gave me a disasterous night of sleep after that video call ended. And since Hurricane was coming, the wind and rain was very loud outside and it has become a borderline traumatic memory. 
 

From what I can tell, when they chat it’s via audio calls (not video) 

I cannot bring myself to talk about this to her out of fear of looking jealous, weak, or needy. She has said so many times she feels safe and secure with me - I don’t want to damage this even 1%. 
 

What WOULD be signs that she’s having emotional affair with this guy? 
 

Btw, this guy lives in a neighboring state to her. I live across the country, in Texas. And I will not respond to any answers that criticize the long-distance aspect - that’s not what this post is about. 
 

Thank you!

Edited August 1 by Centurion

[Gaeta]

This is a *you* problem. She cannot fix this for you. What ever she could say to re-assure you, your *you problem* would come back. Don't burden her with this because it will be the beginning of the end. 

She has done absolutely nothing wrong and on top of that she is an open book to you. I suggest you do some work on yourself, maybe meet with a therapist, join a support group for anxiety. 

All of us can be cheated on, without exception. We have no control over what our partner will do. If they show us loyalty then we have to trust them and enjoy our life. If EVER they cheat it will come out at some point and we deal with it when it happens. Not before.

Right now you are suffering for something that has not happen, and may never happen. You need to work on that so you can fully enjoy life. 

[BaileyB]

56 minutes ago, Centurion said:

I don’t believe she’s shown any signs to worry

What exactly are you looking for - a reason to worry?

Because you’ve already done your assessment and decided that there is no reason to worry… she doesn’t talk about him when you are together, she isn’t constantly attending/protecting her phone… until her behavior changes and/or she tells you that she has developed feelings for the man, I wouldn’t worry. 

I’m sorry to be blunt, but if she is going to cheat on you, she is going to cheat on you. You have no control here - anxiety gives us the illusion of control, but at the end of the day, you have no control over her. The only way to protect yourself is to end the relationship - but I don’t think that you want to do that, because she’s given you no reason to end it. Live your life and deal with whatever happens… that’s all anyone can ever do. 

Edited August 1 by BaileyB

[smackie9]

Look...your GF is going to always have interaction with other men no matter what. She's being tutored that's it. Maybe long distance isn't for you. 

[Gebidozo]

You need to get a grip, man. 

Your GF is doing absolutely nothing wrong. If you have such anxiety over a tutor, what will happen to you when she meets a male friend? She is a free, independent person who has a right to have male friends, acquaintances, colleagues, and so on.

This has zero to do with cheating. There are zero signs that she’s having an emotional affair. If she did, you’d probably be the last to see those signs. You’re immersing yourself in a dark illusion. Please understand that the problem is not her, the problem is you. 

I’m well familiar with anxiety. I used to have deep panic attacks over my fiancée’s interaction with other people when she was abroad for a short while. Then my friend told me exactly what Bailey is telling you above: if she’s going to cheat, she’s going to cheat. You can’t protect yourself from that or guarantee another person’s fidelity. All you can do is have full trust in your partner. Cast away all your suspicions and deal with your anxiety.

[FredEire]

17 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

You need to get a grip, man. 

Your GF is doing absolutely nothing wrong. If you have such anxiety over a tutor, what will happen to you when she meets a male friend? She is a free, independent person who has a right to have male friends, acquaintances, colleagues, and so on.

This has zero to do with cheating. There are zero signs that she’s having an emotional affair. If she did, you’d probably be the last to see those signs. You’re immersing yourself in a dark illusion. Please understand that the problem is not her, the problem is you. 

I’m well familiar with anxiety. I used to have deep panic attacks over my fiancée’s interaction with other people when she was abroad for a short while. Then my friend told me exactly what Bailey is telling you above: if she’s going to cheat, she’s going to cheat. You can’t protect yourself from that or guarantee another person’s fidelity. All you can do is have full trust in your partner. Cast away all your suspicions and deal with your anxiety.

Indeed, and the irony about paranoid behaviour is that it makes your partner more likely to cheat, not less.

One would hope they just leave before the point they cheat on you, but either way stifling jealousy is really bad for a relationship.

[Centurion]

Thank you everyone for the input. I have read the comments and I have been replaying them in my head since. It’s my problem, for sure. 

[Centurion]

And no signs been given, either. Before our last meeting, she mentioned him maybe more than I would like, but in ways that I think were harmless. 
 

When we met up again a couple of weeks ago, no mention of his name. Not even once. And I even fished for it (showing everyone here just how weak I am), talking about things like New Jersey and Spanish language and so on to get her to mention his name. 
 

Since then, the only mention is via text, when she says “today I’m having lessons with xxxx for an hour” or whatever. 
 

Please note, I had an ex girl friend who texted her ex right in front of me and tried concealing it. And during that time, often mentioned his name at random. At the time, I had no idea what was going on until I talk to people about it. I was afraid of talking to my ex about this because I was acting weak and was afraid to lose her. Eventually I did and she promised to block and cease talking to her ex. Three months later, I discovered she never did. So this is why I am so paranoid, this in conjunction with my anxiety.

[FredEire]

3 hours ago, Centurion said:

And no signs been given, either. Before our last meeting, she mentioned him maybe more than I would like, but in ways that I think were harmless. 
 

When we met up again a couple of weeks ago, no mention of his name. Not even once. And I even fished for it (showing everyone here just how weak I am), talking about things like New Jersey and Spanish language and so on to get her to mention his name. 
 

Since then, the only mention is via text, when she says “today I’m having lessons with xxxx for an hour” or whatever. 
 

Please note, I had an ex girl friend who texted her ex right in front of me and tried concealing it. And during that time, often mentioned his name at random. At the time, I had no idea what was going on until I talk to people about it. I was afraid of talking to my ex about this because I was acting weak and was afraid to lose her. Eventually I did and she promised to block and cease talking to her ex. Three months later, I discovered she never did. So this is why I am so paranoid, this in conjunction with my anxiety.

Definitely stay away from mind games like trying to get her to mention him so you can have your confirmation bias that she is cheating/wants to cheat.

I think your problem requires therapy to get under control and eventually fully process so it doesn't affect your life any more. It often goes back to childhood in some way. Otherwise the green monster can be hard to handle and will get the better of you and your relationship eventually.

Does your girlfriend know about these tendencies? It may be good just to have a frank conversation with her along the lines of "I think it's important I tell you that I get a bit jealous sometimes. But I know that it's a me thing, it has nothing to do with you and I'm taking steps to deal with it".

[Gaeta]

You can't play these games in a relationship. You do all types of gymnastic to have her say his name then you go Ah Ah! She says his name too often!

Anxiety is a unconscious desire for control. She is not your ex, don't put that burden on her shoulders. We all have a past, my ex cheated on me and l don't do silly little test to my bf just because l'm afraid my past will repeat.

Of course when we were cheated on we remain cautious and little things can set off our alarm but it should not tourment us on a day to day basis like it seems to do to you. 

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

Anxiety is a unconscious desire for control.

This should be repeated, like a mantra, by every person who has anxiety issues. 

Absolutely true. Anxiety is the inability to accept that some things aren’t in our control. Which further blurs our vision of the world and renders us unable to understand which things we can control.