Rubyrose Posted August 1 Share Posted August 1 Hi, I have been dating my boyfriend for 10 months, I live with my mum and he's living close to where he works 2 hours away from me. I only get to see him on weekends sometimes with 2/3 week gaps in between. For a good 9 months I have been having doubts about his lack of affection. At the beginning he was like a different person (first 1/2 month ish) I know he's been told before in previous relationships that he's quite "cold". The lack of intimacy was really getting me down as I don't see him for a couple of weeks then I just get a peck on the lips, no buzz or excitement that we are reunited. We don't cuddle watching TV, no cuddling in bed, no random hugs or kisses on the face, the intimacy in the bedroom building up to sex has completely gone. We don't passionately kiss anymore, I literally feel like we are friends. I spoke about this with him as I was upset and he was a little shocked but apologized. We had a 3 week gap after this, and I was thinking alot. There's no intimacy or fire between us when we are together or when we communicate over phone. Hes not bothered about sex talk little cheeky photos, or even just a selfie, he never tells me he misses me or i cant wait to see you unless i say it 1st. I never feel sexy around him because hes just not the type to flirt with me. We never flirt over the phone txt or face to face. Our conversations on the phone are very much becoming monotonous ie. Hows your day been, work, sports, or our pets. I can feel myself pulling back in my behaviour because of the doubt this has gave me. Sounds awful but I feel a little bored and that we are very much like friends. I can see he has no issue at all with how this relationship is as he always talls about future plans kids pets house etx but for me the love and affection is a massive part of the relationship. I'm a very affectionate type of girl, always showing my love, saying i love him and appreciating him and what he does for me and compliment him. He is currently job searching to go offshore which means this relationship is going to be ongoing 2 3 maybe 4 week gaps in between seeing each other. In the last 2 month or so I have started to feel different towards him, i dont feel head over heels for him and im not missing him anymore when im not with him, i feel i have started to resent him for several weeks now and the last 2 times I have seen him it felt different. I didn't want to have sex or feel the desire attraction towards him and kissing felt really awkward. He's such a lovely guy, he wants everything in the future with me. He's very adventurous and we have a lot of the same in common. I'm really stuck as im worried about wasting time. Im 31 with no kids i dont want to waste time as it has taken me such a long time to meet someone. I really care about him and want the best for him. I feel like the distance is killing the spark especially with a guy who isn't an affectionate or intimate type of partner. I thought I loved him but im unsure if it was lust at the beginning. If someone has felt like this before any advice would be much appreciated! X Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted August 2 Share Posted August 2 24 minutes ago, Rubyrose said: In the last 2 month or so I have started to feel different towards him, i dont feel head over heels for him and im not missing him anymore when im not with him, i feel i have started to resent him for several weeks now and the last 2 times I have seen him it felt different. I didn't want to have sex or feel the desire attraction towards him and kissing felt really awkward. Oh hon, you've just spent about 8 months too long with this guy 😕 What you describe is exactly the feeling a person has just before they break up giving the reason "I care about you, but I don't see a future with you" Kindly explain to him that the physical distance combined with his emotional and sexual distance has killed any spark you felt and it's time for you to move on. I know it's tough, with the ticking body clock and all, but if you stay with him, you'll be miserable and feel unloved and unappreciated. You can do so much better than this Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 2 Share Posted August 2 This isn’t a long distance problem, the problem here is that you are dating a man who has no interest in physical intimacy. If physical intimacy in a relationship is important to you (as it is to most people), this is not your guy… You are just not compatible with this man - it’s taken you ten months to figure that out… my advice, don’t waste another 10 months on a relationship that’s never going to be what you want it to be. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted August 2 Share Posted August 2 It sounds like your BF and you aren’t emotionally and sexually compatible. Even more importantly, you appear to have lost your romantic feelings for him. Obviously people are different and it’s normal when one of the partners is a bit more outspoken in their affections than the other. But not to this extent. You’re saying that you have a lot in common with him, but from your description it sounds like you’re just good buddies. It’s not the LDR that’s killing the spark. It’s that the spark has extinguished way too quickly due to lack of romantic chemistry. LDRs are hard enough even with people we’re madly in love with. With people we don’t love that much, a LDR will just kill off the illusion of romance we had in the beginning. If you don’t have romantic feelings for this man anymore, you should let him go. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 2 Share Posted August 2 (edited) One more thing - sexual desire and physical intimacy tends to go up and down in any relationship… but, if you are only a few months in and he has virtually no interest - that is a HUGE red flag that this relationship is not going to work out long term… unless you are content to try to build a life/family with a man that you consider more of a friend/roommate than a partner/lover. Edited August 2 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted August 2 Share Posted August 2 11 hours ago, Rubyrose said: I feel like the distance is killing the spark It doesn't sound like there was much of a spark there to begin with. The vast majority of your relationship has been lacking and unsatisfying. That is your cue that you two are not a match, and you're wasting your time on a guy who isn't the sort of partner you are looking for. It's time to break up. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 2 Share Posted August 2 It sounds like a wrap to me. It's time to break up with him and find a man who is actually interested in you. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted August 2 Share Posted August 2 16 hours ago, Rubyrose said: He's such a lovely guy No he's not. After everything you've described how can you say he's lovely! The distance is not killing the spark. He killed the spark. Let me give you an example. My bf of 2 years does not live far away but because he's out of town every other weekend we have a weekend together every second week (like you). It's been like that for 2 years. Every time we are together 'he' makes it magical! I don't think we have ever spent a weekend home watching tv. He always has plans for us like a weekend away, or a day trip, or a day at the spa, or the casino, name it! He is super romantic and he always has a small surprise for me. Your boyfriend is far far from being lovely. If you are an affectionate woman like me, you need a man that will sweep you off of your feet and can maintain it. Men like that exist, he's not it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rubyrose Posted August 2 Author Share Posted August 2 Thank you for your advice, its hard because hes the one guy I thought was the one. My previous long term relationship was very jealous possessive controlling and toxic. I now have someone who is very caring, has my best interests in life, got his head screwed on, fun and adventurous but is lacking in other areas. It's really disappointing. To begin with me and my boyfriend was friends for 3 years, I knew he had a soft spot for me so I thought I'd give him a chance, he was so different at the beginning very affectionate, always kissing and touching me holding me etc but it didn't last long once we made it official. He thinks I'm his forever and this is it now which makes me feel anxious its really hard but I think deep down I know he isn't wired the way I want him to be. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted August 2 Share Posted August 2 2 hours ago, Rubyrose said: He thinks I'm his forever Given his lack of physical affection and limited availability, I'd suggest he's very naive if he thinks this is sustainable 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted August 3 Share Posted August 3 6 hours ago, Rubyrose said: To begin with me and my boyfriend was friends for 3 years, I knew he had a soft spot for me so I thought I'd give him a chance That was a big mistake. Clearly, you were never actually in love with your BF and only got together with him because you wanted to rest emotionally after your turbulent relationship with the possessive guy. Your BF knows that deep down, and that’s why his feelings are fading now. He tried to make it work, but you can’t make it work with a woman who isn’t truly in love with you. Such emotionally lopsided relationships never work long term. You should definitely let him go. And make sure you have romantic feelings for your next BF instead of just “giving him a chance”. The way I see it, you’re attracted to dominant men, who could be territorial and possessive to a certain degree. Not all such men are jealous control freaks who’d make your life miserable, like your ex. Look for mature representatives of your romantic type, not for “good guys” you don’t really have a spark with. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 3 Share Posted August 3 14 minutes ago, Gebidozo said: Such emotionally lopsided relationships never work long term. I kind of see it the other way - she seems more invested in the relationship than he is… either way, it’s not going to work out because they are fundamentally incompatible. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted August 3 Share Posted August 3 (edited) 19 minutes ago, BaileyB said: I kind of see it the other way - she seems more invested in the relationship than he is… either way, it’s not going to work out because they are fundamentally incompatible. Invested yes. But she is not in love. She does want to make it work, she clearly tries to convince herself this is the right guy for her because he is nice and he has loved her for 3 years when they were just friends. But in essence, he is a “good guy” rebound from her emotionally abusive ex. Love relationships never work out long term if the initial motive was “giving someone a chance”. The OP is a more passionate, more affectionate person than her BF. That doesn’t mean that she loves him more or that she has ever loved him in the first place. She is obviously attracted to dominant, passionate types, and her BF is not that. Edited August 3 by Gebidozo Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rubyrose Posted August 3 Author Share Posted August 3 I strongly disagree, my ex was my first love I wasn't with anyone else serious for 8 years after i left him. I dated but nothing long term. I am over him and moved on and healed from that past relationship. My current boyfriend is the total opposite hes not toxic whatsoever, I wanted everything with him and i finally thought id found my future, we went on holiday as friends and i fell for him. I fell for his kind ways, the small details that I noticed melted me and hes a good looking guy i have always found him attractive. I'm just so gutted and disappointed now i have these doubts he doesn't show his love and affection the way I do to him. Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted August 3 Share Posted August 3 37 minutes ago, Rubyrose said: I strongly disagree, my ex was my first love I wasn't with anyone else serious for 8 years after i left him. I dated but nothing long term. I am over him and moved on and healed from that past relationship. My current boyfriend is the total opposite hes not toxic whatsoever, I wanted everything with him and i finally thought id found my future, we went on holiday as friends and i fell for him. I fell for his kind ways, the small details that I noticed melted me and hes a good looking guy i have always found him attractive. I'm just so gutted and disappointed now i have these doubts he doesn't show his love and affection the way I do to him. Be it as it may, I’m a guy and it’s possible that you’re missing some male psychological traits here. I’d never be friends with a woman for three years while liking her romantically and then accept her as a girlfriend because she decided to “give me a chance” (your words, not mine). The fact that he did that means that he belongs to the type of men opposite of my own, and that type is usually the little passion, understated affection, mostly also low libido kind. Those guys aren’t very romantic, and you actually want someone who is very romantic. You guys are emotionally and sexually incompatible. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rubyrose Posted August 3 Author Share Posted August 3 I think you are right, he's not romantic at all and if I try to do little cute gestures I can see he's just not into it at all then I feel abit silly. Real shame as we get on soooo well and have fun when we do things together. We never argue but.. it feels more like a friendship as the intimacy and passion has gone. Thank you Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted August 3 Share Posted August 3 He's not acting like a lover to you but a friend. He did not change anything when you became bf-gf, he simply continued being your friend except for the occasional sex. I agree he is not 'in love' with you. He's attached to you sure, you're part of his life and you're a nice addition but 'in love' ? I would not want to be loved that way..like I am one of the guys. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted August 3 Share Posted August 3 6 hours ago, Rubyrose said: I think you are right, he's not romantic at all and if I try to do little cute gestures I can see he's just not into it at all then I feel abit silly. Real shame as we get on soooo well and have fun when we do things together. We never argue but.. it feels more like a friendship as the intimacy and passion has gone. Thank you Exactly, that’s what I was getting at. You used to have him in your “friendzone” but then decided to “upgrade” him to a boyfriend. In my opinion, that never works well, and it shouldn’t. Friendship and romantic love are very different. Romantic love can include friendship during its later stages, but it doesn’t start with friendship. It starts with attraction which is to a large extent physical. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 3 Share Posted August 3 (edited) I personally think that it can start as friendship - for women. I know many people who were “friends” with their partner before they started to develop feelings and imagine a romantic relationship with that person. Just my humble opinion, but I think it’s a function of the way that women/men develop attraction in different ways… A woman can be friends and watch how he treats his friends/family, she can enjoy spending time with him because he makes her laugh, she can see him struggle with something and support him through a difficult moment - and then, she can start to realize that while she may not have initially noticed him in a romantic way, he is kind of cute, he is a super nice guy, and he’s fun… and next thing you know - she has a crush. Edited August 3 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 3 Share Posted August 3 I’m not sold that one can have a close long term friendship with a man and then decide to develop a romantic relationship with that person - but I know lots of people who were part of a “friend group” or acquaintances and developed feelings… Particularly when we were younger, we had a large group of friends and two of my best friends married men who were in the same friend group. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rubyrose Posted August 3 Author Share Posted August 3 100%!! That's kind of what happened with my and my boyfriend. We have spent time together in the 3 years attending music events with groups of friends together, I always found him attractive i just never saw him as anything more than a friend. It wasn't until I spent a full week with him on holiday as friends I realised that I had feelings that grew into more and we decided to carry on dating and soon after became an item. Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted August 3 Share Posted August 3 16 minutes ago, BaileyB said: I personally think that it can start as friendship - for women. I know many people who were “friends” with their partner before they started to develop feelings and imagine a romantic relationship with that person. Just my humble opinion, but I think it’s a function of the way that women/men develop attraction in different ways… A woman can be friends and watch how he treats his friends/family, she can enjoy spending time with him because he makes her laugh, she can see him struggle with something and support him through a difficult moment - and then, she can start to realize that while she may not have initially noticed him in a romantic way, he is kind of cute, he is a super nice guy, and he’s fun… and next thing you know - she has a crush. Sure, when you’re friends for a couple of weeks, maybe months (that works for men too, I don’t think there is any gender difference here). But not several years! After the initial period of getting to know a guy is over, you should already know whether he is a friend or a romantic prospect. If he’s clearly just the former, “upgrading” him is not a good idea. Guys who are “friendzone material” will never become suitable romantic partners precisely because they allowed the woman to put them into the friendzone, which is wholly unromantic. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rubyrose Posted August 3 Author Share Posted August 3 I just read an article online about how friends before lovers don't always work which stated the below. I feel my boyfriend is at this stage with me. Too comfortable too soon and stopped making effort romantically. ‘You might already be in a comfortable phase of your relationship, messy hair, no toilet manners, which could kill the honeymoon period.’ James says it’s really important not to get too comfortable, too quickly. There still needs to be romance and excitement, even when you already know someone well. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 3 Share Posted August 3 (edited) 10 minutes ago, Gebidozo said: But not several years! After the initial period of getting to know a guy is over, you should already know whether he is a friend or a romantic prospect. No, I still wouldn’t say that it would never happen… I agree, some guys are friend zoned - never to leave the friend zone. But, I do think that it’s possible for a woman to be friends/acquaintance with a man and then spend time with him/see him in a different way and develop feelings. I would even say, what I find attractive has changed and grown as I have aged and matured… I just don’t think it’s fair to say that it could never happen. Edited August 3 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted August 4 Share Posted August 4 8 hours ago, Rubyrose said: Too comfortable too soon and stopped making effort romantically. No, this isn't about lack of romance, it's about him having no interest in sex. Link to post Share on other sites
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