2nd go-around with a former friend: Is it time to throw in the towel or can this be repaired?

[citycat]

CW: There may be or are abusive elements in this story.

Hi! 33F dating a 35M former friend for the second time around and feeling conflicted.

We met pre-pandemic and were just acquaintances (we went on two dates but there wasn't a real spark, so it went dark) but became friends during the pandemic (a lot of phone calls). Some of the conversations got a little flirty, so we suspected that we might be something more. In 2021, we met in-person and I instantly got the ick and felt embarrassed for inviting him and having those feelings. He lashed out at me accusing me of publicly embarrassing him but we wound up talking around it and agreed to try meeting up again. That time felt different and was actually a really nice night that launched us into an intimate relationship. We were in a monogamous relationship for a year and a half, which was marked by fun times where we feel super connected (often like twins or mirrors) and periods in between where he was aloof, numbed out by substances, or unpredictably moody, often making us more vulnerable for conflicts over any and everything.

Conflicts arose when I bought him a new sheet set because his was falling apart (he was generally messy and couldn't see it), when he felt like I was being too friendly with a waiter because I laughed at a joke, if I listened too attentively to a man at a networking event, or if he felt that I didn't 'act like I was in a relationship' when interacting with men. He also lost his job and I felt like his feelings of inadequacy reflected onto me in the form of mean-ness and jealousy about the men that I worked with. I tried breaking up with him on multiple occasions, having grown tired of his hyper-vigilance over my interactions with men, judgment for past decision-making and relationships, mocking of my identities, yelling, name-calling, and how mean he would get when he felt disrespected or lied to. But he'd always guilt trip me ("Of course you'd leave me at my lowest. Everyone leaves me." or "You're up right now, so I guess I'm holding you back." or "I've given you everything.") and we'd wind up talking for hours and I'd stay.

Ultimately, we only wound up breaking up after we took rx with our friends and he snuck tons of shots, which caused him to fall into psychosis, tear apart his own apartment, and menace over me before attacking and injuring me. I barely made it out of the situation with the help of a friend whom he attacked, and the situation was escalated by third parties. We were no contact for 10 months but I worried about him constantly and hoped that he was okay, even as I was struggling in every sense of the word.

Fast forward to this Spring, we happened to be at the same event this Spring and he walked up to me, intoxicated but seemed open. We talked for hours and he professed how much he loved me and felt like he made the biggest mistake of his life letting me go. All I could muster was that I cared about him deeply, which was true, but we wound up going back to his place and reconnecting. We both had a lot of apprehensive and uncertain feelings about it because 10 months of no contact and legal stuff was a lot to unpack. I think there are still a lot of feelings about the incident. He was also preparing to move back home with his family again as he was/is still unemployed after two years, so the relationship is now medium distance, which is a new dynamic for us. Still, we decided to get back together and I was willing to try this again because we were friends before, I love talking to him for hours everyday, and he said that he had stopped drinking hard liquor (recognizing that he can't handle it) and messing with rx, which felt like a positive behavioral change. 

However, I have become hyper vigilant about any and all interactions with men that I know and random men for fear of his rage and retaliation, as well as anxiety about having hard conversations with him because of his unpredictable or cold reactions. Just last week, I was waiting for him on a main street with a friend and an older male neighbor of hers came up to us to talk about the community. Because my boyfriend was late, all three of us wound up talking for 25 minutes and by the time he and his friend showed up (buzzed and airy), it felt awkward because we were so engrossed in conversation. As a result of me not "ending the conversation fast enough" or "making it clear that I was in a relationship" (even though I said my boyfriend was coming over as he walked up), it resulted in his friend making remarks about me "falling for an old guy's game" and him ultimately yelling at me and degrading me on the way home before I told him that we need to handle this respectfully and that if I was so terrible, why hasn't he left me? I even said if this was such a firm boundary for him, we shouldn't be together.

Four days of silence later, he called me to read a multi-page letter that he had written (sounded a lot of like Chat GPT in that the tone was COLD) that laid out every shortcoming he thought I had, doubting if I was even his friend, and chastising me for "publicly embarrassing him and being disrespectful", while also pointing to my mental health diagnoses as both "a bad excuse" and also something he'd be willing to support me in "IF I show more respect". I 100% believe that he is entitled to his feelings, and I'm willing to take accountability for wrongdoing, but it's no excuse for him to express them in a degrading or mean way and then expect cooperation. It spun my head around and I was hurt and insulted. When I said I didn't want to keep doing this, he asked, "So, what? You want to give up now? I wouldn't ever give up on you". So now we're in limbo again. He has continued to future cast and try to make plans but I feel very disconnected and unsure about us. I'm struggling to give up IF there's a chance that we can communicate in a new way (I prefer a softer touch and he wants things direct but his reactions are unpredictable, so it has a chilling effect), rebuild mutual respect, and things can improve for both of us but IDK!

TDLR; I've been in a turbulent romantic relationship with a former friend for two years (with a year gap in between) and can't tell if it's time to throw in the towel or if this can be repaired. Help!

[Acacia98]

I think the very first time you met him and you felt the ick, you should have held on to those feelings. You were right to feel apprehensive about him and to sense that you were not right for each other.

The fact that you subsequently allowed him to talk you into being with him and staying with him does not change that. In addition, it strongly suggests that you have low self-esteem and he has little regard for your views and feelings. 

The experiences you detail in your post are disturbing. The fact that you are considering the possibility of reconciling with him horrifies me. Please, please develop some love and respect for yourself.

This man has no business being in a relationship with anybody. He has too many issues that he needs to work through. And it's not your job to walk him through them. He's supposed to be a grown man, and you're not his mommy.

[ExpatInItaly]

13 hours ago, citycat said:

I'm struggling to give up IF there's a chance that we can communicate in a new way (I prefer a softer touch and he wants things direct but his reactions are unpredictable, so it has a chilling effect), rebuild mutual respect, and things can improve for both of us

I'm sorry, but you are in Fantasy Land if you think any of the above is ever gong to happen with this man. 

Please, run fast and far. He is horrible and you have lost all perspective of what a relationship should look like. I would have nothing to do with him ever again. I am very concerned that you have even given him another chance to get near you. It suggests you have a lot of trouble with self-respect and boundaries, and don't see yourself as worthy of anything more than this dumpste fire of a man. 

 

[citycat]

Proud to share that I gathered up the courage and left him on Friday! Phewww. Still know I have a lot of internal work to do before I even consider another relationship, which is fine by me. Thanks for both of your feedback; though harsh, it was what I needed to see! @Acacia98 @ExpatInItaly

[happyhorizons]

8 hours ago, citycat said:

Proud to share that I gathered up the courage and left him on Friday! Phewww. Still know I have a lot of internal work to do before I even consider another relationship, which is fine by me. Thanks for both of your feedback; though harsh, it was what I needed to see! @Acacia98 @ExpatInItaly

This is GOOD NEWS........you will be OK and better off in the long run.  Give yourself some time to heal and look forward to the future.

[citycat]

19 hours ago, happyhorizons said:

This is GOOD NEWS........you will be OK and better off in the long run.  Give yourself some time to heal and look forward to the future.

Thank you!!

[stillafool]

I agree you should have left him alone when you first were not attracted and felt the ick factor from him.  You talked a lot about his feelings for you but very little about how you felt about him or if you were even in love with him.  His insecurity and jealousy is scary and it's good you got away from him.  Don't go back this time.