MLC?

[Whatevenhappened]

Hello! New here and needing some advice. My H left our home in June because he didn’t want to talk argument. 
 

Argument happened when we were having sex and he got dizzy and started having what seemed like panic anxiety attack. I tried to take pulse and help snd he just kept blowing me off. He was obviously scared. I suggested multiple times we go to Er. I was afraid he was having heart attack. He ignored everything I suggested and got in cold shower. 
 

I would like to add lately hes been struggling with keeping an erection during sex and at times has said “I feel dizzy “ and we stop. I think this may be pride and embarrassment but nevertheless I just want him healthy and never say anything except to ask if hes ok. 

When he  got out of shower he seemed pissed at me so I cracked a joke thinking I could lighten mood but he didn’t like it and told me he was mad at me. I said are you washing me off you so we can go to Er?? I guess it wasn’t really funny but he shot me a death look. I got my feelings hurt and repeated going to er is a good idea and he said firmly NO!! 
 

i was mad (we have both lost friends/family  due to heart attacks but told him i was going downstairs since I upset him and if he needed anything I would help him and again I repeated he should see Dr..

we both acted like asses and did silent treatment for a few days! I decided to go talk to him and he told me he wasn’t talking and if i kept pushing he would leave. I kept pushing and he left. He told me I broke a vow before he left! I asked what vow snd he said in sickness and in health!! He would not respond to texts or calls from me! Dead silence!! He did see our daughter on Fathers Day and told her he was doing things for himself right now and that he loved me very much but was just hurt!!! He Still had ring on!!! No mention of divorce she just said he seemed so sad! 

7/6 a month after he left I was having a medical issue and texted him and called his cell. No answer so I called him on work number! His coworker answered snd said he needed a minute to go get him….he never picked up phone so I hung up. 45 mins later he sends me text and says our relationship is over and he will be seeking to start the divorce process!! And told me to not call his work, his employer or coworkers again. He also said he never wants to speak to me again and he will be by yo get his belongings in the near future!!! I was like wtf???? 
 

i ended up in hospital for a few days and he came by to feed cat and weed whack and to make sure ring camera got his ring finger with no wedding ring on his finger!!! I sent him an apology for calling him at work and but honestly I don’t even understand whats going on. He again repeated he doesn’t want to talk to me ever again. And again mentioned getting his things in near future but didn’t mention divorce!! Im completely confused. 
 

he has been under a lot of stress the last year with his job and than the erection issues. Plus the new health issues that day during sex! I am  him be but am obviously so upset and sad.we were just on vacation two weeks prior to fight and the only real differences we have had has been this job of his. Just because he has gotten snappy with me when stressed and I get my feelings hurt. His job demands a lot of him and he seems on edge alot because of it! For him to leave and not talk to me is unheard of. He’s never done that!!! We have been married 19 years. Im completely shocked. 
 

is it possible that he’s going through a mid life crisis? I don’t know what to do to help especially if he doesn’t want me talking to him 

Edited August 4 by Whatevenhappened

[Gebidozo]

I’m sorry this is happening to you.

I know it doesn’t feel like that now, but perhaps a divorce would be a good thing here. Your husband said you broke your vow to be together in sickness. But you didn’t. You were by his side and you urged him to go get checked. But when you were sick and needed help, he ignored you and even got more distant and hostile. 

He is the one that betrayed his vows and betrayed you.

I agree that it could be an acute form of midlife crisis. He might change his mind again when his crisis is over. But crisis or not, his behavior is inexcusable. And he has reiterated several times that he sees no future in your marriage. I’m sorry, but maybe you should let him go.
 

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, Whatevenhappened said:

ring camera got his ring finger with no wedding ring on his finger!!!

Do you suspect he is seeing someone else? 

[basil67]

I get someone leaving *suddenly* when there has been years of niggles and issues, but it doesn't make sense that he'd leave a happy marriage in the manner he did 

What was the rest of the marriage like?   (my goal here is to see if any sense can be made of his actions)

[Whatevenhappened]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Do you suspect he is seeing someone else? 

At this point Im considering everything!! I have no proof of anything 

[Whatevenhappened]

49 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I get someone leaving *suddenly* when there has been years of niggles and issues, but it doesn't make sense that he'd leave a happy marriage in the manner he did 

What was the rest of the marriage like?   (my goal here is to see if any sense can be made of his actions)

Honestly it was a very good  marriage other than the stress the last almost 2 years from his job! I mean we would argue like any couple occasionally but nothing remarkable to note.

 

we were enjoying being empty nesters and had lots of plans to travel.

He definitely has not been happy in his career and it has been the issue. He everyday would say how the job wasn’t what he wanted. And how it turned into a job that he would not of taken had he known everything . 
 

Odd thing is he has now thrown himself into work completely and works from open to close which he doesn’t have to do. And when he came by the house when I was in hospital he took a few clothes but he took his work awards from the office!! Which I found odd

[tzorno]

I'm sorry, but he's cheating on you.  My ex-wife displayed the same behaviors when she was cheating (panic attacks, nervousness during sex or any physical touch, confrontations and arguements over silly stuff).  They threaten to leave in hopes that you will force the issue so that it eases their guilt.  When its clear to them that you arent doing that because your confused and trying to piece the puzzle together, they find that they have no choice but to end the relationship themselves.and your left in disbelief.  He's not working from open to close, he's seeing the person he's cheating on you with. 

Again, i'm sorry your going through this, but you need to get your things in order and prepare for the divorce.  Get a lawyer and get a jump on planning.  Best of luck to you.

Edited August 5 by tzorno

[Gebidozo]

3 hours ago, tzorno said:

I'm sorry, but he's cheating on you. 

Unfortunately, that is likely.

It’s otherwise hard to explain why a person would suddenly change like that, become mad and leave only because their spouse urges them to take care of their health. 

[stillafool]

6 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

Unfortunately, that is likely.

It’s otherwise hard to explain why a person would suddenly change like that, become mad and leave only because their spouse urges them to take care of their health. 

I know.  My first thought was that he has someone else and was looking for any flimsy excuse to end it.

[Whatevenhappened]

I definitely have tried to figure that out by looking at cell records and even by looking to check location because he shares it but nothing!! I was hoping him have the ED issues would make cheating less likely!  Plus he's like 100 lbs over weight because he just sits all day and eats terrible. 
 

my daughter said he is so stressed right now that shes afraid he is going to crack! A-lot of things I read said Mid Life crisis could be  maybe brought on by the job stress and unhappiness there and his health issues. Affairs happen too during mlc. I guess I probably sound like a fool. 

[Gebidozo]

19 minutes ago, Whatevenhappened said:

I was hoping him have the ED issues would make cheating less likely!

On the contrary, ED issues might have caused him to panic and cheat in an attempt to “reaffirm his manhood”. He might have blamed you for his problems, maybe subconsciously, and tried to prove to himself that it would “work” with another woman.

I’m sorry if this sounds cruel, and I’m definitely not saying that’s for sure what happened, but I know the mindset of men’s midlife crisis very well, and all I can tell you that you’d better brace yourself for the worst😒

[Whatevenhappened]

It’s honestly ridiculous!! Ive been a good wife, not perfect of-course but reliable, supportive, loving, honest and faithful. Him not even willing to talk though. Maddening!!   He only spends money on is fast food. We are saving more money now than ever because we used to go out to eat and go do stuff. He barely has any clothes with him either. Mostly just work clothes which are ugly navy mechanics looking uniform. I just honestly don’t know how to navigate this or what to do. 

[basil67]

9 minutes ago, Whatevenhappened said:

It’s honestly ridiculous!! Ive been a good wife, not perfect of-course but reliable, supportive, loving, honest and faithful. Him not even willing to talk though. Maddening!!   He only spends money on is fast food. We are saving more money now than ever because we used to go out to eat and go do stuff. He barely has any clothes with him either. Mostly just work clothes which are ugly navy mechanics looking uniform. I just honestly don’t know how to navigate this or what to do. 

Your only option at this point is to find a lawyer and divorce him.  You've got a much better life waiting for you

[Whatevenhappened]

I guess ppl think Im crazy but Im standing and not doing anything yet. I don’t want to make an emotional decision or rush it. I have to process this and Im still going to try to be hopeful. I took a vow and though people may think or disagree I won’t just take the D way out not yet!!

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Whatevenhappened said:

I guess ppl think Im crazy but Im standing and not doing anything yet. I don’t want to make an emotional decision or rush it. I have to process this and Im still going to try to be hopeful. I took a vow and though people may think or disagree I won’t just take the D way out not yet!!

I guess your other option is to just wait and see.  

[S2B]

You can’t make a marriage work when one person exits.

maybe see a counselor to process what is reality. Accept that it’s over and move forward. Waiting and or begging to continue the marriage when he has been clear that it’s over isn’t healthy for you/your future.

you may have co side red it a great marriage but that doesn’t always mean the other person does.

do you work?

[Whatevenhappened]

1 minute ago, S2B said:

You can’t make a marriage work when one person exits.

maybe see a counselor to process what is reality. Accept that it’s over and move forward. Waiting and or begging to continue the marriage when he has been clear that it’s over isn’t healthy for you/your future.

you may have co side red it a great marriage but that doesn’t always mean the other person does.

do you work?

I do work! Im also seeing a counselor. Im definitely not begging. Im doing my own thing trying to better myself! I know many won’t agree or understand but nobody has to its my life and situation. I get some are thinking they know things and everything is black or white. Look if you don’t agree thats fine Im not in a relationship with you!

 

i don't expect ppl to say what I want to hear which Im not even sure I know what that is. However it’s frustrating posting and ppl are like he's cheating or it’s this way or that way. It seems like posting is sometimes a mistake and does far more harm than good. Only myself and my H know what are marriage was and what we have been through or are going through. The man is seriously in a deep depression. My daughter was urging him to get help today. Im certainly NOT going to just give up and file or do something when he is in a bad way. I certainly wouldn’t want judge at my worst just because s*** got hard!! 

[stillafool]

On 8/6/2024 at 10:04 PM, Whatevenhappened said:

I definitely have tried to figure that out by looking at cell records and even by looking to check location because he shares it but nothing!! I was hoping him have the ED issues would make cheating less likely!  Plus he's like 100 lbs over weight because he just sits all day and eats terrible. 
 

my daughter said he is so stressed right now that shes afraid he is going to crack! A-lot of things I read said Mid Life crisis could be  maybe brought on by the job stress and unhappiness there and his health issues. Affairs happen too during mlc. I guess I probably sound like a fool. 

ED issues also happen when they're having sex with another woman and no longer desire you.  It doesn't make sense that he would leave and want a divorce over one comment.  Unless he's been putting up with constant berating and abuse.  Has he been?  If he didn't bother to return when you went into the hospital, it's really not looking good.

Edited August 8 by stillafool

[tzorno]

50 minutes ago, Whatevenhappened said:

i don't expect ppl to say what I want to hear which Im not even sure I know what that is. However it’s frustrating posting and ppl are like he's cheating or it’s this way or that way. It seems like posting is sometimes a mistake and does far more harm than good. Only myself and my H know what are marriage was and what we have been through or are going through. The man is seriously in a deep depression. My daughter was urging him to get help today. Im certainly NOT going to just give up and file or do something when he is in a bad way. I certainly wouldn’t want judge at my worst just because s*** got hard!! 

We all get it.  We really do.  We are just taking what you have given us and processing that information.  One thing I would like to say though is that for those of us who have gone through a divorce or traumatic experience, we see things clearer than a person who is in the middle of the experience and wading through a fog.  I thought I could save my marriage too and wasted 6 months trying and not listening to others advice because I thought I knew better.  I didn't. 

You seem determined to wait it out and that you can help fix things.  Best of luck to you and prayers. 

[Whatevenhappened]

1 minute ago, stillafool said:

ED issues also happen when they're having sex with another woman and no longer desire you.  It doesn't make sense that he would leave and want a divorce over one comment.  Unless he's been putting up with constant berating and abuse.  Has he been?

The Ed issues started awhile ago mostly since hes put on so much weight! I agree it doesn’t make sense! He never said divorce until I called his work crying and his coworker answered. 20 mins later he wanted a divorce….that was very odd. I didn’t tell the coworker anything so Im not sure why he got so upset. I know he wouldn’t like that because I did that all those years ago and that was immature. And this year another guy at works gf called and was telling everyone their personal and my husband wasn’t thrilled she did that. I don’t know if he thought i’d do that or it just ticked him off but prior to that though he just was hurt and still loved me so I dont know

[Whatevenhappened]

1 minute ago, tzorno said:

We all get it.  We really do.  We are just taking what you have given us and processing that information.  One thing I would like to say though is that for those of us who have gone through a divorce or traumatic experience, we see things clearer than a person who is in the middle of the experience and wading through a fog.  I thought I could save my marriage too and wasted 6 months trying and not listening to others advice because I thought I knew better.  I didn't. 

You seem determined to wait it out and that you can help fix things.  Best of luck to you and prayers. 

I understand that! It makes sense and I definitely do appreciate the best of luck and prayers! I really do 😊

[stillafool]

2 minutes ago, Whatevenhappened said:

I didn’t tell the coworker anything so Im not sure why he got so upset.

If you were crying you didn't have to tell her.  This probably made her ask him if everything was alright.  Maybe you shouldn't have called while you were crying but waited until you could collect yourself.

[Whatevenhappened]

9 minutes ago, stillafool said:

ED issues also happen when they're having sex with another woman and no longer desire you.  It doesn't make sense that he would leave and want a divorce over one comment.  Unless he's been putting up with constant berating and abuse.  Has he been?

Sorry forgot to your question . No he hasn’t been berated or abused! Im a pretty quiet overly nice lady. In fact he always says Im too nice to ppl. The only real issue we have had is the job. He comes home mad, goes to work mad and has been so damn stressed. But the job pays really good and its helped us get college paid quicker plus it has benefits and he feels trapped there. He only seemed happy on vacations or days off as long as work wasn’t calling him. He used to beg me to come down to help file papers because he said ppl left him be if I was there. 

[S2B]

Well he’s creating a lot of distance and seems to be clear that he’s done - so how long do you think you’ll wait? It’s good to have a guideline so you don’t waste ten years waiting.

has he still been paying half of the household expenses since he left? What happens to that in the future?

Edited August 8 by S2B

[Whatevenhappened]

2 minutes ago, stillafool said:

If you were crying you didn't have to tell her.  This probably made her ask him if everything was alright.  Maybe you shouldn't have called while you were crying but waited until you could collect yourself.

 It was a guy! He has no women at his job!!