I have to heal from TWO heartbreaks. How do I cope?

[Teemacey]

So I’ll try to keep this short because it is a LONG story. So me(28f) and this guy(24m) met a couple of years ago as friends. At the time we met, I was going through things with my boyfriend at the time. If you read my post history, you will see. So this guy wanted to be with me but I was trying to be with someone who was cheating on me. He knew this, I expressed it MULTIPLE times. He knew what I was going through. He still wanted me. He even would give me advice and talk bad about my partner at the time, as he should. He was doing me so dirty. Him and I grew SUPER close and I cared about him a lot. He was my safe space, we loved each other. He started acting cold towards me so I kept asking why and he wouldn’t say, until he finally admitted he got back with an ex that cheated on him. I said something bad about her like he did my ex, and he got upset. I IMMEDIATELY apologized, sent a long message expressing myself and he ghosted me. I was so hurt by this. We didn’t talk for 3 months and when I got pregnant I reached back out and found out that he had broken up with this ex because she was treating him bad. We didn’t talk much while I was pregnant. After I had my kid, we started talking more. I attempted to set a boundary, because he wanted to be with me but I wanted to focus on being a mother and healing from a traumatic past relationship. He kept pushing. Things got deeper. We got closer, and I found myself falling for him. However, I knew I wasn’t in the place to be in a relationship. He meant SO much to me that it made it easy not to be selfish. Multiple times I expressed I wanted to heal and work on myself before being with him because more than anything, I wanted him in my life and I didn’t want to ruin things with us. Still he was SO good to me. Expressed how he wanted to marry me, have kids with me. He was PATIENT with me. I never experienced anything like this. I have an anxious attachment and multiple times it was triggered while we were dating and he was patient with me. Well… he lost that patience. I felt him starting to change so I became more and more anxious and pushed him away. He’s so cold towards me, he doesn’t text me back, he no longer cares about me and I know it’s my fault but idk how to cope with this. I never met someone like him and I can’t cope. Seeing him completely change from being caring to cold hearted hurts. I had a kidney stone and texted him one night to wake up with me and distract me from the pain. I was in so much pain. He woke up and texted me. But after a while I told him to go back to sleep and I put my phone on DND. He got upset and didn’t text me back. A year ago, he would have stayed up with me, called me, comforted me but it’s all changed & idk what to do. 

[Gaeta]

You do exactly what  you had planned: You start to heal from all that toxicity. You block him from your life and you concentrate on being a mom. You are only 28 years old, you have your whole life ahead of you to find love with a man. 

None of you are in the right place for a healthy relationship. You may reconnect in a couple of years, who knows, but now is not the time. You have to grow and mature through this. 

Little children are like filters, they known when mom is sad and they feed off of that. Life is not about you anymore, it's about kiddo. Get back up, dust yourself, and go to the park with your child. Men come and go. You get ONE chance at doing motherhood right. 

[Teemacey]

13 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

You do exactly what  you had planned: You start to heal from all that toxicity. You block him from your life and you concentrate on being a mom. You are only 28 years old, you have your whole life ahead of you to find love with a man. 

None of you are in the right place for a healthy relationship. You may reconnect in a couple of years, who knows, but now is not the time. You have to grow and mature through this. 

Little children are like filters, they known when mom is sad and they feed off of that. Life is not about you anymore, it's about kiddo. Get back up, dust yourself, and go to the park with your child. Men come and go. You get ONE chance at doing motherhood right. 

But he was my bestfriend. I honestly believe he was the reason I didn’t experience postpartum depression. He was there when I went through everything toxic with the father of my child ( he put me out and chose another girl over me while I was pregnant). He was there through all of it and I was so hard on him at times because of my trauma. He put up with so much with me now he’s giving me the cold shoulder when I never wanted it to be this way. I don’t want him to hate me or look at me negatively. He even included me and my child in his plans. He said he would stay with me while I work through things and wouldn’t give up on me and he did. Even though I kept reiterating we should just be friends. I feel like this is all my fault and it’s not fixing it.

[Gaeta]

One of the hardest things to accept during a breakup is that everything that was said during the relationship doesn't count anymore. We say many things I will love you forever - I will always support you, etc. But when we say these things we don't know what the future is holding for us. When he said these things he didn't know how toxic your relationship would become. He did not know one day he would need to leave to save his own sanity. 

Things became intolerable to him. What was he supposed to do? Stay in the toxicity? No. You cannot ask that of anyone. 

A problem is rarely all of our fault but you have a part of the fault....because you don't know how to be in a healthy relationship. You need to work on yourself, you need to make peace with your past and heal. It's the only way for you to fully enjoy life and become a better girlfriend in your next relationship. 

Now it hurts, it will hurt for a while. Accept it. Accept it will hurt before it gets better. 

Sometimes people come into our lives, not to stay, but to help us with something. 

No matter how you feel right now it will pass. 

Edited August 5, 2024 by Gaeta

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, Teemacey said:

But he was my bestfriend. I honestly believe he was the reason I didn’t experience postpartum depression. He was there when I went through everything toxic with the father of my child ( he put me out and chose another girl over me while I was pregnant). He was there through all of it and I was so hard on him at times because of my trauma. He put up with so much with me now he’s giving me the cold shoulder when I never wanted it to be this way. I don’t want him to hate me or look at me negatively. He even included me and my child in his plans. He said he would stay with me while I work through things and wouldn’t give up on me and he did. Even though I kept reiterating we should just be friends. I feel like this is all my fault and it’s not fixing it.

It's very doubtful that he hates you.  He just had to move on and take care of his own life.  As much as people want to help when someone is needy it can be too much.  You need to learn how to self soothe yourself  so you are not depending on another person when you're anxious.  That will be too much for most people after a while.  Now is not the time to worry about getting with or being with another man.  You need to give all of your time and attention to your child and work on stabilizing your emotions.  I agree, you have plenty of time to find a suitable boyfriend later on.

Edited August 5, 2024 by stillafool

[Teemacey]

55 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

One of the hardest things to accept during a breakup is that everything that was said during the relationship doesn't count anymore. We say many things I will love you forever - I will always support you, etc. But when we say these things we don't know what the future is holding for us. When he said these things he didn't know how toxic your relationship would become. He did not know one day he would need to leave to save his own sanity. 

Things became intolerable to him. What was he supposed to do? Stay in the toxicity? No. You cannot ask that of anyone. 

A problem is rarely all of our fault but you have a part of the fault....because you don't know how to be in a healthy relationship. You need to work on yourself, you need to make peace with your past and heal. It's the only way for you to fully enjoy life and become a better girlfriend in your next relationship. 

Now it hurts, it will hurt for a while. Accept it. Accept it will hurt before it gets better. 

Sometimes people come into our lives, not to stay, but to help us with something. 

No matter how you feel right now it will pass. 

I’m just filled with so much regret. I’m embarrassed that I allowed myself to act this way. And every time we speak I can just feel that he probably doesn’t want to talk me. He used to be so gentle and caring, he even told me I made his life better. Part of me knows I have to stop talking to him, but I’m not ready to let him go. I believe he’s probably going to ghost me like he did before and that will hurt more 

[stillafool]

2 minutes ago, Teemacey said:

And every time we speak I can just feel that he probably doesn’t want to talk me.

Please stop contacting him.  You are right he doesn't want to talk to you because he wants to move on with his life.  If you don't get the message and stop contact he will start to resent you and then you'll feel even worse than you do now. I know you aren't ready to let him go but he's already gone and he wants to move on.  He has that right.

[Gaeta]

8 minutes ago, Teemacey said:

And every time we speak I can just feel that he probably doesn’t want to talk me.

Everytime you talk to him you give him an opportunity to reject you again, and again, and again. Stop. You can do this! You block him! and you get busy with something else! Each day you don't contact him put a big  X on your calendar and be proud of you. Do you have friends and family? Look for a local support group. Start a new project and get completely immersed in it like repainting your place, cleaning your closets, visiting a different park each day. 

[Teemacey]

8 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Everytime you talk to him you give him an opportunity to reject you again, and again, and again. Stop. You can do this! You block him! and you get busy with something else! Each day you don't contact him put a big  X on your calendar and be proud of you. Do you have friends and family? Look for a local support group. Start a new project and get completely immersed in it like repainting your place, cleaning your closets, visiting a different park each day. 

For example, we were talking about how I don’t tell him I buy things anymore and he said “you don’t do a lot anymore but I don’t bring it up” I said “like what?” He said “it doesn’t matter” and I said “oh I guess it don’t” and his next response seemed a little hostile or I could be wrong but he said “it don’t matter cause I’m not tripping over it” and I responded and he hasn’t texted back. I may have taken it the wrong way, but then again I  know how he usually is with me and this is a change 

[Teemacey]

29 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Everytime you talk to him you give him an opportunity to reject you again, and again, and again. Stop. You can do this! You block him! and you get busy with something else! Each day you don't contact him put a big  X on your calendar and be proud of you. Do you have friends and family? Look for a local support group. Start a new project and get completely immersed in it like repainting your place, cleaning your closets, visiting a different park each day. 

Should I communicate with him that I feel this way every time he doesn’t respond to me? I just feel like every single time we talk it’s negative. Mainly because of me. There is a clear shift in the dynamic of our conversations and it’s so hard to ignore that I constantly bring it up. I don’t want to block him, I feel like if I did that he would hate me forever. I did block him in the past when he got a girlfriend, but he didn’t reach out, I was the first one to reach out. I don’t  know what to do. 

[Teemacey]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

It's very doubtful that he hates you.  He just had to move on and take care of his own life.  As much as people want to help when someone is needy it can be too much.  You need to learn how to self soothe yourself  so you are not depending on another person when you're anxious.  That will be too much for most people after a while.  Now is not the time to worry about getting with or being with another man.  You need to give all of your time and attention to your child and work on stabilizing your emotions.  I agree, you have plenty of time to find a suitable boyfriend later on.

I agree with this. I think in the beginning he fell for me because I wasn’t needy at all. He definitely liked me more than I liked him. But now, the tables have turned and I like him more. And it’s turning him off. I just feel bad. I forget to add that I expressed over and over and OVER again I wasn’t ready for a relationship. He refused to accept it and kept trying and trying and trying and we just fell into this repeated cycle. Now I feel like he resents me and definitely dislikes me from the dynamic of our conversations recently. 

[Gaeta]

43 minutes ago, Teemacey said:

Should I communicate with him that I feel this way every time he doesn’t respond to me?

No.

He does not care anymore. You are not together anymore. Stop talking to him. 

You will not fix this. You can only fix youself. Start doing that. Order yourself a good book and start working on yourself.

It does not matter what he thinks of you, he does not want to be with you, he doesn't want to talk to you, leave him alone. You will never ever convince someone to love you again. 

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Teemacey said:

Should I communicate with him that I feel this way every time he doesn’t respond to me? I just feel like every single time we talk it’s negative. Mainly because of me. There is a clear shift in the dynamic of our conversations and it’s so hard to ignore that I constantly bring it up. I don’t want to block him, I feel like if I did that he would hate me forever. I did block him in the past when he got a girlfriend, but he didn’t reach out, I was the first one to reach out. I don’t  know what to do. 

Re the bolded, you know he's going to block you if you keep this up?   The conversations sound intolerable

[Teemacey]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

Re the bolded, you know he's going to block you if you keep this up?   The conversations sound intolerable

Yeah, I know. That’s why I pushed him away so much. I’m super self aware. I have a very hard time letting stuff go and moving on. It’s a trauma response. Like with him, I cannot for the life of me let it go that he ghosted me. I poured my heart out to him and apologized and he just ghosted me. He had every right to. But I am so scared he’s going to do it again. 

Edited August 5, 2024 by Teemacey

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, Teemacey said:

I may have taken it the wrong way, but then again I  know how he usually is with me and this is a change 

Of course he's going to change the way he interacts with you.  It's over and he's trying to act accordingly hoping you will move on without him having to be mean to you for you to get the message.  Sorry that you have a hard time letting go and moving on but that isn't his problem, it's yours.  He can't fix that for you but a good therapist can.  You should start there, in therapy so that this  isn't an issue when you meet someone new.

[Teemacey]

3 hours ago, stillafool said:

Please stop contacting him.  You are right he doesn't want to talk to you because he wants to move on with his life.  If you don't get the message and stop contact he will start to resent you and then you'll feel even worse than you do now. I know you aren't ready to let him go but he's already gone and he wants to move on.  He has that right.

I’m trying. It’s like damned if I do damned if I don’t. Anytime I’ll not text him and try to give him space he gets upset and says he didn’t ask for space. He then says he wants to talk to me and if he didn’t he would tell me. But his ACTIONS are showing otherwise and it’s extremely confusing. Like today, he reached out to me first. 

Edited August 5, 2024 by Teemacey

[Teemacey]

6 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Of course he's going to change the way he interacts with you.  It's over and he's trying to act accordingly hoping you will move on without him having to be mean to you for you to get the message.  Sorry that you have a hard time letting go and moving on but that isn't his problem, it's yours.  He can't fix that for you but a good therapist can.  You should start there, in therapy so that this  isn't an issue when you meet someone new.

And I’m trying. It’s like he’s hard to read and damned if I do damned if I don’t. I’m trying. Anytime I’ll not text him and try to give him space he gets upset and says he didn’t ask for space. He then says he wants to talk to me and if he didn’t he would tell me. But his ACTIONS are showing otherwise and it’s extremely confusing. Like today, he reached out to me first. 

[basil67]

18 minutes ago, Teemacey said:

And I’m trying. It’s like he’s hard to read and damned if I do damned if I don’t. I’m trying. Anytime I’ll not text him and try to give him space he gets upset and says he didn’t ask for space. He then says he wants to talk to me and if he didn’t he would tell me. But his ACTIONS are showing otherwise and it’s extremely confusing. Like today, he reached out to me first. 

Shouldn't all this push/pull and confusion be telling you that this isn't the kind of relationship you want anyway?   A relationship worth having is easy and comfortable

 

46 minutes ago, Teemacey said:

Yeah, I know. That’s why I pushed him away so much. I’m super self aware. I have a very hard time letting stuff go and moving on. It’s a trauma response. Like with him, I cannot for the life of me let it go that he ghosted me. I poured my heart out to him and apologized and he just ghosted me. He had every right to. But I am so scared he’s going to do it again. 

I think your trauma is related to why you're still dabbling with him: you have no idea what an easy and comfortable relationship looks like.   This sounds like s*** and you're willingly rolling in it

[Teemacey]

17 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Shouldn't all this push/pull and confusion be telling you that this isn't the kind of relationship you want anyway?   A relationship worth having is easy and comfortable

 

I think your trauma is related to why you're still dabbling with him: you have no idea what an easy and comfortable relationship looks like.   This sounds like s*** and you're willingly rolling in it

This is true! And I told him this. I told him he deserves to be in a relationship that’s easy a few days ago. And he said “I don’t want to go where it’s easy at. I want you. I love you. So I’m staying here with you” it’s like a repeated cycle and I got way too attached & have to let him go. I knew this was going to happen and I should have tried harder to keep the boundaries that I attempted to set up in place. 

[Teemacey]

21 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Shouldn't all this push/pull and confusion be telling you that this isn't the kind of relationship you want anyway?   A relationship worth having is easy and comfortable

 

I think your trauma is related to why you're still dabbling with him: you have no idea what an easy and comfortable relationship looks like.   This sounds like s*** and you're willingly rolling in it

But like what’s wrong with me? This man is clearly a good person and wanted more than anything to be with me but I messed it all up. Like he expected ALL my flaws and knew I was messed up and wanted to help me work on it but all I did was push and push and push. I thought I was doing the right thing by constantly telling him I wasn’t ready for a relationship. I even told him that not getting in a relationship is the one of the most selfless things I’ve done. But he kept saying once I’m healed I won’t want him and it would be too late for us. 

Edited August 6, 2024 by Teemacey

[Gebidozo]

2 minutes ago, Teemacey said:

But he kept saying once I’m healed I won’t want him and it would be too late for us. 

This is a really strange phrase and a potential read flag.

People shouldn’t turn a romantic relationship into therapy. Sure, it’s great when a partner helps you with mental issues, but the above sounds as though he was preying on them.

Some detail is lacking in your story. You keep saying that you “pushed” him. Pushed him how? To do what? You’re saying there was toxicity in your relationship. How did it manifest itself? On your side or on his as well? What did he say was his reason for ghosting you? What exactly did he complain about?

How often do you see him in person? Is he good with your kid? 

[basil67]

3 minutes ago, Teemacey said:

This is true! And I told him this. I told him he deserves to be in a relationship that’s easy a few days ago. And he said “I don’t want to go where it’s easy at. I want you. I love you. So I’m staying here with you” it’s like a repeated cycle and I got way too attached & have to let him go. I knew this was going to happen and I should have tried harder to keep the boundaries that I attempted to set up in place. 

 

3 minutes ago, Teemacey said:

But like what’s wrong with me? This man is clearly a good person and wanted more than anything to be with me but I messed it all up. Like he expected ALL my flaws and knew I was messed up and wanted to help me work on it but all I did was push and push and push. I thought I was doing the right thing by constantly telling him I wasn’t ready for a relationship. I even told him that not getting in a relationship is the one of the most selfless things I’ve done. But he kept saying once I’m healed I won’t want him and it would be too late for us. 

JUST STOP IT!  Pull on your big girl panties, end contact with him and go get therapy.    And no, you don't get to congratulate yourself for being 'selfless' and not getting into a relationship when you're still messing about with him, to afraid to cut the cord.   

[stillafool]

10 minutes ago, Teemacey said:

I thought I was doing the right thing by constantly telling him I wasn’t ready for a relationship. I even told him that not getting in a relationship is the one of the most selfless things I’ve done. But he kept saying once I’m healed I won’t want him and it would be too late for us. 

He didn't take you seriously and neither do I.  When you don't want a relationship you say good bye and move on.  You don't continue to engage with a person.  If he hasn't told you today that he's in love with you and wants to be with you, he doesn't and that's your cue to block him and move on with your life. 

[Teemacey]

18 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

This is a really strange phrase and a potential read flag.

People shouldn’t turn a romantic relationship into therapy. Sure, it’s great when a partner helps you with mental issues, but the above sounds as though he was preying on them.

Some detail is lacking in your story. You keep saying that you “pushed” him. Pushed him how? To do what? You’re saying there was toxicity in your relationship. How did it manifest itself? On your side or on his as well? What did he say was his reason for ghosting you? What exactly did he complain about?

How often do you see him in person? Is he good with your kid? 

I kept pushing him away. I kept telling him I didn’t want to be in a relationship with him. I kept telling him I wanted to just be friends until I work on myself and heal from past traumas. My big mistake was attempting to be friends, especially since there were strong feeling involved. I should have to cut him off completely when we both didn’t respect boundaries . The reason he said he ghosted me was because I made a comment about his ex because she cheated on him in the past. He got super upset and cut me off. He had every right. He used to always make comments about my ex and how he treated me but I never cut him off for it. I apologized immediately after, and sent a long message to him expressing how sorry I was and he ignored it. I guess I just thought I meant more to him. But it’s toxic on my end because I would bring up that situation even though we talked about it. I was just so scared he would ghost me or hurt me. I was scared of getting attached again. I haven’t let him meet my kid yet, I’m not ready for that. Especially last year after he was born, my kid was my biggest focus and I explained that to him as well. I didn’t see him often because I prioritized my kid, but I started trying to do better because he said I didn’t see him as a priority. I explained to him not only was I a new mom and should focus on my kid, but that I needed to work on myself. 

Edited August 6, 2024 by Teemacey

[Gebidozo]

6 minutes ago, Teemacey said:

I kept pushing him away. I kept telling him I didn’t want to be in a relationship with him. I kept telling him I wanted to just be friends until I work on myself and heal from past traumas. My big mistake was attempting to be friends, especially since there were strong feeling involved. I should have to cut him off completely when we both didn’t respect boundaries . The reason he said he ghosted me was because I made a comment about his ex because she cheated on him in the past. He got super upset and cut me off. He had every right. He used to always make comments about my ex and how he treated me but I never cut him off for it. I apologized immediately after, and sent a long message to him expressing how sorry I was and he ignored it. I guess I just thought I meant more to him. But it’s toxic on my end because I would bring up that situation even though we talked about it. I was just so scared he would ghost me or hurt me. I was scared of getting attached again. 

If you didn’t want to be in a relationship with him and were scared of getting attached, why did you string him along in the first place?

If a woman I’m interested in would keep telling me she doesn’t want a relationship with me, I’d respect her wish and walk away.

This sounds like an unhealthy relationship based on contradictory wishes.

You should definitely get some therapy and work on your fear of attachment and other issues.