I have to heal from TWO heartbreaks. How do I cope?

[Teemacey]

4 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

If you didn’t want to be in a relationship with him and were scared of getting attached, why did you string him along in the first place?

If a woman I’m interested in would keep telling me she doesn’t want a relationship with me, I’d respect her wish and walk away.

This sounds like an unhealthy relationship based on contradictory wishes.

You should definitely get some therapy and work on your fear of attachment and other issues.

I’m going to let him go, not like I have a choice.  I just know this is going to be so hard. Especially since I haven’t even healed from my ex. He put me out while I was pregnant to be with another girl. After 7 years of us being together. I jumped from that situation into the next without giving my self time to heal and grieve. 

[stillafool]

10 minutes ago, Teemacey said:

I jumped from that situation into the next without giving my self time to heal and grieve. 

This was the problem right here.  It's important to heal and close the door on your previous relationship before entering something new.

[Teemacey]

11 minutes ago, stillafool said:

This was the problem right here.  It's important to heal and close the door on your previous relationship before entering something new.

Yep. And when I would tell him this he would say it can still work between him and I. I told him it wouldn’t but he insisted we try, he said I didn’t even want to try. So I did and when I realized it wasn’t going to work I tried to cut things off. This happened over and over again 

[Teemacey]

5 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Everytime you talk to him you give him an opportunity to reject you again, and again, and again. Stop. You can do this! You block him! and you get busy with something else! Each day you don't contact him put a big  X on your calendar and be proud of you. Do you have friends and family? Look for a local support group. Start a new project and get completely immersed in it like repainting your place, cleaning your closets, visiting a different park each day. 

Would I be wrong if I just totally ghost him? I’m not going to block him. But when he texts me I don’t plan on responding. This is just too painful for me and I know there’s no fixing it. I just don’t want him to resent me. But staying in contact is too hard for me as well. I’m not ready to see him move on. 

[basil67]

18 minutes ago, Teemacey said:

Would I be wrong if I just totally ghost him? I’m not going to block him. But when he texts me I don’t plan on responding. This is just too painful for me and I know there’s no fixing it. I just don’t want him to resent me. But staying in contact is too hard for me as well. I’m not ready to see him move on. 

Ghosting is rude.  If you have any respect for him and for yourself, tell him that you think it's best if you both move on so that you can heal. And wish him luck with his future. 

[Teemacey]

3 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Ghosting is rude.  If you have any respect for him and for yourself, tell him that you think it's best if you both move on so that you can heal. And wish him luck with his future. 

I did this as well. He responded to something I said in that text and I didn’t respond back. Then, he texted me again the next day with a question mark and said he thought I was going to text back. We texted a little today, some small talk nothing negative and he hasn’t responded. I don’t think he will but if he does I don’t plan on texting back. 

[basil67]

So he doesn't respect your need for space, and you weren't able to maintain your boundary.   

In this case I'd have the conversation again, but this time tell him that you will be blocking him immediately so that he can't keep sneaking messages to you

Edited August 6, 2024 by basil67

[Gaeta]

22 minutes ago, Teemacey said:

Would I be wrong if I just totally ghost him? I’m not going to block him. But when he texts me I don’t plan on responding. 

Say your good bye then block him. Blocking him is something we do to help ourselves to heal. It's not about hurting him. If you don't block him and he contacts you then it will throw you back to square one and you'll start hurting again.

You want to ghost him because you want hims back and you think by ignoring his messages he will have a sudden change of heart. 

Look at the big picture here, it's a 4 month relationship that was good only 1.5 month. You need to pull the plug on this the way you pull off a band-aid, quickly.

[Teemacey]

Just now, Gaeta said:

Say your good bye then block him. Blocking him is something we do to help ourselves to heal. It's not about hurting him. If you don't block him and he contacts you then it will throw you back to square one and you'll start hurting again.

You want to ghost him because you want hims back and you think by ignoring his messages he will have a sudden change of heart. 

Look at the big picture here, it's a 4 month relationship that was good only 1.5 month. You need to pull the plug on this the way you pull off a band-aid, quickly.

This is true!! When he ghosted me I blocked him. Not for him, but for me. I was constantly checking my phone for a message I knew I wasn’t going to get and I just blocked him and was able to move on. This time is different. A few weeks ago I did block him and after an hour I unblocked him. I don’t know why I can’t do it. 

[Teemacey]

4 minutes ago, basil67 said:

So he doesn't respect your need for space, and you weren't able to maintain your boundary.   

In this case I'd have the conversation again, but this time tell him that you will be blocking him immediately so that he can't keep sneaking messages to you

I just feel so bad for doing this. He doesn’t deserve that

[basil67]

7 minutes ago, Teemacey said:

I just feel so bad for doing this. He doesn’t deserve that

Yeah, he does deserve it: he can't respect you asking to not be in contact.  

That said, don't even bother going ahead with the message or the blocking if you're not serious about it and will undo it in a day

Edited August 6, 2024 by basil67

[semble]

Where is the father of the baby in all of this?

[Teemacey]

5 hours ago, semble said:

Where is the father of the baby in all of this?

Him and I aren’t together. We were together for 7 years, but when I got pregnant I found out he was cheating on me. I questioned him about it and he put me out to be with her. While I was pregnant with his child. We went no contact for months and one day he reached out to me and I found out him and this girl didn’t work out. Being pregnant and vulnerable I fell for his lies. Well, one day he started acting weird again and me being with him for 7 years, I knew him. So I asked was he still in contact with her and he kept saying no he just don’t think we would work. I found out he WAS in contact with her because she contacted me and told me everything. After that I was done.

Edited August 6, 2024 by Teemacey

[Teemacey]

10 hours ago, basil67 said:

Yeah, he does deserve it: he can't respect you asking to not be in contact.  

That said, don't even bother going ahead with the message or the blocking if you're not serious about it and will undo it in a day

This is all so hard. I just feel like I won’t find someone who was as good to me as he was but I absolutely cannot be in a relationship with him right now. I know it’s not going to work, I know I will ruin it. 

[stillafool]

11 hours ago, Teemacey said:

Yep. And when I would tell him this he would say it can still work between him and I. I told him it wouldn’t but he insisted we try, he said I didn’t even want to try. So I did and when I realized it wasn’t going to work I tried to cut things off. This happened over and over again 

I'm confused.  You said he ended it with you but you continued to contact him and got a cold treatment from him.  Then you say he's telling you he never said he didn't want to hear from you.  Which is it?  Did he tell you it was over?  Or are you just upset because he is no longer begging you to be with him?

[semble]

1 hour ago, Teemacey said:

Him and I aren’t together. We were together for 7 years, but when I got pregnant I found out he was cheating on me

Is he current on his child support obligations as ordered by the court?

[Teemacey]

50 minutes ago, semble said:

Is he current on his child support obligations as ordered by the court?

No he isn’t. Although people have told me to put him on it. I guess I’m just too nice. 

[Teemacey]

54 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I'm confused.  You said he ended it with you but you continued to contact him and got a cold treatment from him.  Then you say he's telling you he never said he didn't want to hear from you.  Which is it?  Did he tell you it was over?  Or are you just upset because he is no longer begging you to be with him?

He didn’t end it with me. He has been acting differently towards me. And I now understand why. And when I asked he said I don’t want to be in a relationship with him and he’s accepting it. He said he’s not going to continue to show interest when I continuously tell him I don’t want to be with him. Totally understandable. It’s hard to admit to myself but I wanted to keep him  in my life and work on myself and try to become better for not only myself, but for a relationship to work with him. But you can’t ask that of someone. I’m letting him go because I love him and it’s the right thing to do. After posting in this forum I understand that now. 

 

55 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I'm confused.  You said he ended it with you but you continued to contact him and got a cold treatment from him.  Then you say he's telling you he never said he didn't want to hear from you.  Which is it?  Did he tell you it was over?  Or are you just upset because he is no longer begging you to be with him?

 

[Oldenuff2know]

19 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Little children are like filters, they known when mom is sad and they feed off of that. Life is not about you anymore, it's about kiddo. Get back up, dust yourself, and go to the park with your child. Men come and go. You get ONE chance at doing motherhood right. 

This, ten thousand times over.

[stillafool]

9 minutes ago, Teemacey said:

But you can’t ask that of someone. I’m letting him go because I love him and it’s the right thing to do. After posting in this forum I understand that now. 

So why do you keep saying how you can't let him go, etc.,?  The guy is only 24, if you really care about him, let him go and mean it.  Stop being playing with him, he deserves better.

[Teemacey]

42 minutes ago, stillafool said:

So why do you keep saying how you can't let him go, etc.,?  The guy is only 24, if you really care about him, let him go and mean it.  Stop being playing with him, he deserves better.

I SAID I was going to let him go. But that doesn’t make it EASY. Especially since before anything we were friends. And what you’re telling me I already told him. He deserves better. He’s young, he has his whole life ahead of him. I told him he will meet somebody one day and it’ll make sense why we didn’t work. I just wasn’t firm on my boundaries and he ALSO didn’t respect those boundaries. We were both wrong. Everything you’re telling me I already know. I just needed support as I begin this process. 

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Teemacey said:

No he isn’t. Although people have told me to put him on it. I guess I’m just too nice. 

This is more of what you should be worrying about than this young man.  Your child deserves their child support even if you don't need the money.  You can set up a college fund with it.  Don't be nice to your ex, be nice to your child instead and file for it.

[Teemacey]

On 8/5/2024 at 8:57 PM, Gaeta said:

Say your good bye then block him. Blocking him is something we do to help ourselves to heal. It's not about hurting him. If you don't block him and he contacts you then it will throw you back to square one and you'll start hurting again.

You want to ghost him because you want hims back and you think by ignoring his messages he will have a sudden change of heart. 

Look at the big picture here, it's a 4 month relationship that was good only 1.5 month. You need to pull the plug on this the way you pull off a band-aid, quickly.

So 2 days in a row he reached out and texted me. Not sure why, it’s all so confusing but today will be the first day we haven’t spoken, so this healing journey begins. Idk how to even cope. I find that when I’m at work it’s the hardest because we would text and talk ALL DAY LONG until I’m home and busy with my kid. How do I get over this urge to text him? It’s so hard. 

 

[Teemacey]

21 hours ago, stillafool said:

This is more of what you should be worrying about than this young man.  Your child deserves their child support even if you don't need the money.  You can set up a college fund with it.  Don't be nice to your ex, be nice to your child instead and file for it.

I’m not sure why I haven’t done this. I thought it would upset him since he doesn’t make as much money as I do. Idk why I spare him when he don’t spare me, wasn’t there when I needed him the most. He put me out while I was pregnant and didn’t care that I was pregnant with his child. He was so cold towards me and I know if him and his co worker didn’t stop talking he probably would’ve never reached out to me again. After a  7 year relationship I still cannot wrap my head around how he did this to me. 

[Gaeta]

7 minutes ago, Teemacey said:

So 2 days in a row he reached out and texted me. Not sure why, it’s all so confusing but today will be the first day we haven’t spoken, so this healing journey begins. Idk how to even cope. I find that when I’m at work it’s the hardest because we would text and talk ALL DAY LONG until I’m home and busy with my kid. How do I get over this urge to text him? It’s so hard. 

What has helped me move on is the knowledge that it's a matter of time for my brain to create new pathways. Our brain gets used to people we have around and when someone isn't around anymore then the brain search for them, like a computer telling you it has a missing file. It does not last forever, studies shows the brain adapts at 11 weeks. You need to find something else to replace the texting. I don't know what type of work you do that allows you to text ALL DAY , I would not text my bf all day even if I could. Find other ways to keep your mind busy, discover the world of audio-books & podcast. You can listen to self-help podcasts or simply pick to listen to novels that will keep your mind away from the ex.