I have to heal from TWO heartbreaks. How do I cope?

[Teemacey]

On 8/14/2024 at 4:15 PM, basil67 said:

All this blocking and unblocking and responding is setting back your healing. Kindly, when it comes to healing, you're your own worst enemy. 

I guess you could carry on if this is how you want to be, but your words say something different

I know, I know. When we did speak he seemed frustrated that I haven’t been texting. I was honest, I told him just like he’s trying to move on, so am I. I asked what he suggest we do, he said whatever I want to do and I said whatever happens, happens. And we haven’t spoken since. 

[Teemacey]

On 8/12/2024 at 7:48 PM, basil67 said:

He's not respecting your boundaries and you feel terrible?   Please think this through

So I didn’t have the heart to keep him blocked and he kept texting me. So I was finally honest with him today, and told him it’s best we don’t talk. He said “okay if it’s what you want”. I didn’t respond. I’m shaking. I know it’s no turning back from this. 

[basil67]

2 hours ago, Teemacey said:

So I didn’t have the heart to keep him blocked and he kept texting me. So I was finally honest with him today, and told him it’s best we don’t talk. He said “okay if it’s what you want”. I didn’t respond. I’m shaking. I know it’s no turning back from this. 

This guy doesn't listen to a word you say.  He'll likely be texting you tomorrow as if you'd never spoken

[Teemacey]

10 hours ago, basil67 said:

This guy doesn't listen to a word you say.  He'll likely be texting you tomorrow as if you'd never spoken

So, I never really set the boundary and told him to stop texting me. I just thought that eventually he would stop on his own once he see that I wasn’t responding or really engaging in conversation. Him texting me became too much and too confusing so I finally told him we should stop talking. So now I know for sure it’s done. And I’m hurting. 

[stillafool]

4 hours ago, Teemacey said:

So, I never really set the boundary and told him to stop texting me. I just thought that eventually he would stop on his own once he see that I wasn’t responding or really engaging in conversation. Him texting me became too much and too confusing so I finally told him we should stop talking. So now I know for sure it’s done. And I’m hurting. 

If you really wanted this to stop so you can move on you'd block him.  Otherwise, you really aren't serious by keeping the line open still hoping he'll contact you.  Talk means nothing, it's actions that count.

[Teemacey]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

If you really wanted this to stop so you can move on you'd block him.  Otherwise, you really aren't serious by keeping the line open still hoping he'll contact you.  Talk means nothing, it's actions that count.

I’m sorry, but you’re kind of no help. Every time I feel like I’ve done something or made progress you make me feel like I haven’t. I literally just said that before, I didn’t set the boundary and told him we should stop talking. I just thought he would eventually stop texting me because I wasn’t responding and in the past he told me he wasn’t going to keep texting me first. For some reason he was, so I finally worked up the courage to tell him to stop. That took a LOT for me to do. 

[Teemacey]

20 hours ago, basil67 said:

This guy doesn't listen to a word you say.  He'll likely be texting you tomorrow as if you'd never spoken

Today is our official first day of no contact, yay! (I am NOTTTTT okay) 

[basil67]

36 minutes ago, Teemacey said:

Today is our official first day of no contact, yay! (I am NOTTTTT okay) 

Importantly, have you blocked him?   There is a very high chance he's going to start messaging you again, so you need to do this for your own healing.

And yes, heartbreak is called heartbreak for a reason.  It does literally feel like our heart is breaking.   Have you ever healed from breakup before?  If so, you will know that this stage will pass.  It may take a while, but just hang in there.   In the meantime, a couple of paracetamol tablets can take the edge off

[Teemacey]

12 hours ago, basil67 said:

Importantly, have you blocked him?   There is a very high chance he's going to start messaging you again, so you need to do this for your own healing.

And yes, heartbreak is called heartbreak for a reason.  It does literally feel like our heart is breaking.   Have you ever healed from breakup before?  If so, you will know that this stage will pass.  It may take a while, but just hang in there.   In the meantime, a couple of paracetamol tablets can take the edge off

I’ve never experienced this before. I can’t stop crying, I can’t function. Hes really gone this time and idk how to handle it. 

[happyhorizons]

38 minutes ago, Teemacey said:

I’ve never experienced this before. I can’t stop crying, I can’t function. Hes really gone this time and idk how to handle it. 

You are stronger than you might realize and it will take some TIME to get over this BUT IT WILL PASS.  So, take it a day at a time and with each passing day things SHOULD be better for you. 

[Teemacey]

22 minutes ago, happyhorizons said:

You are stronger than you might realize and it will take some TIME to get over this BUT IT WILL PASS.  So, take it a day at a time and with each passing day things SHOULD be better for you. 

It just doesn’t feel like it. I can’t stop crying at work and I have patients to see. No matter what I do to try to distract myself I just keep crying. 

[Teemacey]

15 hours ago, basil67 said:

Importantly, have you blocked him?   There is a very high chance he's going to start messaging you again, so you need to do this for your own healing.

And yes, heartbreak is called heartbreak for a reason.  It does literally feel like our heart is breaking.   Have you ever healed from breakup before?  If so, you will know that this stage will pass.  It may take a while, but just hang in there.   In the meantime, a couple of paracetamol tablets can take the edge off

How do I get over this strong urge to reach out to him? None of this feels real, all I want to do is talk to him. I want to feel the love that he gave me, the patience, the understanding. Like I miss my best friend so bad. 

[NuevoYorko]

On 8/9/2024 at 6:46 PM, Teemacey said:

The toughest thing about it all of this is we had a GREAT friendship. 

You really didn't.  What you described is not a "great friendship."  This thread is very long.  You have plenty of input here about why this is the case.   Mainly it was unbalanced and hinged massively upon your dysfunctional relationship with the other guy and your constant neediness.  

That is not a healthy situation for anyone to hang around in.

[Teemacey]

8 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

You really didn't.  What you described is not a "great friendship."  This thread is very long.  You have plenty of input here about why this is the case.   Mainly it was unbalanced and hinged massively upon your dysfunctional relationship with the other guy and your constant neediness.  

That is not a healthy situation for anyone to hang around in.

I needed to hear this. He was a great friend to me but I wasn’t to him. And the funny thing is the reason he “liked” me is because I wasn’t needy at all, well at least in the beginning. But as I developed feelings and the fear of him leaving me, I became needy. I hate that. I wish we would’ve both respected boundaries because in the beginning we were great friends for a long time. 

[NuevoYorko]

Just now, Teemacey said:

I needed to hear this. He was a great friend to me but I wasn’t to him. And the funny thing is the reason he “liked” me is because I wasn’t needy at all, well at least in the beginning. But as I developed feelings and the fear of him leaving me, I became needy. I hate that. I wish we would’ve both respected boundaries because in the beginning we were great friends for a long time. 

Well please DO NOT beat yourself up about this.   IMO you are "ruminating" and stuck in a kind of mental and emotional loop which is including a lot of embellishment and romanticizing.

Bottom line, and this is an oversimplification:  You and that guy had a codependent relationship which was not healthy.  He was not a great, true friend because he was "orbiting" with ulterior motives.  You were not a great true friend because you used that devotion in a very self serving way.   

You did both get things out of it but it was not going to last or end up as a happy romantic partnership.  

[NuevoYorko]

8 minutes ago, Teemacey said:

 But as I developed feelings and the fear of him leaving me, I became needy. 

From your description, you were very needy in the past phase of your "friendship," or whatever you would call it,  with this guy.  Your constant drama and dysfunction with the man you were in the relationship with - the father of your child - this other guy was "on call" for all of it, all the time.   

That was his choice - I'm not trying to beat you up about it - but needy x 1000, it definitely was.

Textbook codependency and I really hope you will get into some therapy right away.   You have a lot to look at and now's the time.  You are raising a child, right?

[Teemacey]

5 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

Well please DO NOT beat yourself up about this.   IMO you are "ruminating" and stuck in a kind of mental and emotional loop which is including a lot of embellishment and romanticizing.

Bottom line, and this is an oversimplification:  You and that guy had a codependent relationship which was not healthy.  He was not a great, true friend because he was "orbiting" with ulterior motives.  You were not a great true friend because you used that devotion in a very self serving way.   

You did both get things out of it but it was not going to last or end up as a happy romantic partnership.  

I can’t help but beat myself up about it. Because I know that if I would have worked on myself and deal with my past trauma that came from my past relationship, we could have worked. I never had someone chase me for a year straight and was ONLY dedicated to me despite me expressing I wasn’t ready. He even wanted to wait for me to get it together but I never took the steps (therapy, ect) until now. But now it’s too late and I just feel like I won’t find someone like that ever again. I just feel bad. Like part of me want to apologize for what I put him through, but honestly I don’t think he really cares anymore. I did enough damage as is. 

[NuevoYorko]

1 minute ago, Teemacey said:

 Like part of me want to apologize for what I put him through, but honestly I don’t think he really cares anymore. 

It sounds like you are STILL trying to sort of emotionally manipulate him to be back like he was towards you.  

A genuine apology is not about whether the person on the receiving end "cares" or not.  It's about whether you actually OWE that person some amends.

At this stage you definitely should leave him alone.  At some point, especially if you get into work on your codependency issues, you may come to a place where you feel like you need to make amends.  If you do, it doesn't matter how he feels or responds.  You will be doing it because it's important for YOU and YOUR growth that you take accountability. 

That is a long way down the road, if it even comes to that.  If you did anything like that now - it would just be part of trying to get him back.   

 

[Teemacey]

5 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

From your description, you were very needy in the past phase of your "friendship," or whatever you would call it,  with this guy.  Your constant drama and dysfunction with the man you were in the relationship with - the father of your child - this other guy was "on call" for all of it, all the time.   

That was his choice - I'm not trying to beat you up about it - but needy x 1000, it definitely was.

Textbook codependency and I really hope you will get into some therapy right away.   You have a lot to look at and now's the time.  You are raising a child, right?

You’re right. He was here for all of that and I leaned on him a lot for support, and he was there. I just want to send him a message apologizing for all of this. Even if he doesn’t respond. He doesn’t even know how important he was to me and how much he helped me. Like I just feel SO bad. 

[Teemacey]

4 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

It sounds like you are STILL trying to sort of emotionally manipulate him to be back like he was towards you.  

A genuine apology is not about whether the person on the receiving end "cares" or not.  It's about whether you actually OWE that person some amends.

At this stage you definitely should leave him alone.  At some point, especially if you get into work on your codependency issues, you may come to a place where you feel like you need to make amends.  If you do, it doesn't matter how he feels or responds.  You will be doing it because it's important for YOU and YOUR growth that you take accountability. 

That is a long way down the road, if it even comes to that.  If you did anything like that now - it would just be part of trying to get him back.   

 

I feel like I owe him an apology. Because our entire relationship and friendship was about ME ME ME, never him and his needs. When we met, I was going through tough times. Literally the entire time he has known me I’ve been going through it with the father of my child. And I would talk to him about it & he was there, even when I tried to work things out with the father of my child he was THERE. I didn’t even consider his feelings, I was being selfish and STILL this man supported me. I messed up big time. Im not going to reach out, im gonna type out a letter to him in my notes but I won’t send it. 

Edited August 19 by Teemacey

[NuevoYorko]

There's nothing wrong with doing any of the things - writing it, sending it, not sending.  Just as long as you are honest about your intentions (with yourself) and are not really fishing for some interaction.   

[Teemacey]

54 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

There's nothing wrong with doing any of the things - writing it, sending it, not sending.  Just as long as you are honest about your intentions (with yourself) and are not really fishing for some interaction.   

I won’t send it. Not now, at least. I’m going to leave him alone like you said. Maybe one day I will, but definitely no time soon, if it even happens. You’re right, I do hope to make amends, and I know that’s not healthy. It’s like I want to prove so bad that I CAN be the person he needs me to be, I just have to work to get there. The reason why he liked me so much is because I’m always happy, bubbly, and have good energy. I’m a nurse practitioner and literally EVERYONE tells me I have this “angelic”, positive energy, every single manager I have, my patients, even co workers and family members tell me this. But I don’t FEEL that way, I don’t know this person and I want to meet her again. I’m so scared of him moving on but I know I have no control of this and he deserves to be happy. Part of me still wonders why he kept reaching out, and part of me regret telling him we can’t be friends right now and cutting ties. I just really didn’t want to lose him. 

[Teemacey]

4 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

There's nothing wrong with doing any of the things - writing it, sending it, not sending.  Just as long as you are honest about your intentions (with yourself) and are not really fishing for some interaction.   

I wrote him a letter. Kinda terrified to send it but feel as though needs and DESERVES to hear it. I made sure to make it clear that I’m not sending it to make amends, and that I’m cool with him not responding. I also wished him the best and told him I hope and pray that he finds someone who’s right for him. And from the bottom of my heart I mean it. I hope that man finds someone 10xs better than me who’s healed. He deserves to be happy.  

[NuevoYorko]

Hm.  What happened to:  

Quote

I won’t send it. Not now, at least. I’m going to leave him alone like you said. Maybe one day I will, but definitely no time soon, if it even happens. 

???   

You wrote that 5 hours ago.  9 hours ago you were asking for help on how to stop wanting to reach out to him.  

Don't bother answering, I'm sure you're just busy trying to keep that door open and keep his attention.   

What he really "deserves" is to be left alone so he can move on with his life, and you also should be focussed on that.    Is your preoccupation with this man interfering with your ability to parent effectively?   Between motherhood and being an NP, it seems like your day to day life must have some pretty real demands to keep your mind occupied.

[Teemacey]

1 minute ago, NuevoYorko said:

Hm.  What happened to:  

???   

You wrote that 5 hours ago.  9 hours ago you were asking for help on how to stop wanting to reach out to him.  

Don't bother answering, I'm sure you're just busy trying to keep that door open and keep his attention.   

What he really "deserves" is to be left alone so he can move on with his life, and you also should be focussed on that.    Is your preoccupation with this man interfering with your ability to parent effectively?   Between motherhood and being an NP, it seems like your day to day life must have some pretty real demands to keep your mind occupied.

Now I feel like an idiot. I wish I would have seen this 2 minutes ago. You’re right. THANK you for this. I’m allowing this to take up WAY too much of my time. Not to mention I start school in a week. I’m going to leave him alone and just move on, this is honestly emotionally draining. And no, it’s not getting in the way of my parenting. Honestly when I’m home and around my child it’s the only time I don’t really think of him. It’s when I get alone time that I start to be in my head. And when I’m super busy at work I barely even have time to think of him.