Should I tell her?

[darwin001]

Does Being friend with your lover make you less of a lover? Because I think love is far better and more valuable than friendship, and calling your love, friendship, would lesser its value.

An yet If you ask me who is your best friend I'm gonna say My lover. I might not be her best friend but She is to me.

[TheLostOne1]

So there is a girl I know online for about a year, from the first sight I knew that she is different and I was right, She really is. I started trying to get close to her and I was successful, we are close friends now. If I want to talk about her, I would say that she is perfect, I see no flaws in her. Everything about her is just the way it should be, I'm sure that I'm in love with her and it's not just those little crushes. When I look at her I just can't look away, and although she is really beautiful it's not because of her face or body that I love her, I really enjoy spending time with her and listening to her. I had times when I was feeling absolutely down and depressed, but just one simple message of her changed my mood entirely. I think about her every day if not always, I just can't think of a future without her.

Now that you have seen a small picture of my love, here are the problems : We are like 800 miles (1200 km) apart, so whenever I am willing to tell her, I tell myself that "what's the point? You wouldn't be able to date her and a long-distance relationship won't work well". Just for the record, I'm not mature enough for moving to her city yet. The second problem is that I don't think she feels the same towards me, I mean she hasn't said it but she shows clear signs of how she likes me as a friend and not more, Like calling our relationship a "sibling relationship", and I don't really want to tell her just for her to say "Sorry I don't feel the same way" as this close friendship that we have now would be terminated along with my hope. The 3rd problem is that I don't see myself good enough for her. I'm not tall enough (6' 7'' (170cm)), I'm not rich, and I have a past I don't want to remember myself. Generally she deserves a lot better than me, someone close to perfect as she is herself. By the way I'm something like 9 months younger than her and she once told me that " A man should be older in a relationship".

But anyways with all of that in mind what do you suggest me to do?

[basil67]

(clarifying your typo for those who use imperial measurements - 170cm is 5'7)

She's very clear that she sees you like a good friend, so there's nothing you can do.  And you're right that the distance isn't sustainable.  Further complicating matters, it's easy to get a false sense of attachment with an online relationship, purely because we don't have to live with all of each other's imperfections.   To be clear, she's NOT perfect.  Nobody is. 

You can however work on your own self esteem.  You are the same height as my husband (and I'm taller than him).  You are taller than my daughter's boyfriend (and she's visibly taller than him).   Someone who rejects you on the basis of your height isn't worth your time of day.    A nine month age gap is nothing.   And we all have pasts....some more questionable than others...but the important part is that we learn from our mistakes and become better people.   Have you learned from your mistakes?  That's what's really important

And what's this about not being rich?  Only a small percentage of people are rich and yet all the others still manage to get relationships.   Assuming you've finished school, do you have a job?  Or are you studying? What direction would you like your future to take and what are the barriers?  Do you have a plan?

Edited August 5 by basil67

[Gebidozo]

Sounds to me like you’re infatuated with a woman you don’t really know.

How many times have you met her in person?

Why are you using such strong words as “love” about someone you haven’t even started a romantic relationship with?

Why are you describing her as “perfect”? There are no perfect humans and she’s no exception. Of course she has flaws, you just don’t know them or don’t want to see them. You shouldn’t put a woman on a pedestal and worship her, it’s unhealthy and a big turn off.

You’ve voluntarily put yourself in the friend zone and now you can’t leave it. That is a big mistake. Romantic relationships don’t start with a friendship that lasts a year. You don’t get closer to a girl by not showing her your romantic affections and just being satisfied with a friendship. 

Your insecurity is very off putting as well. Who cares how tall you are? Two of my friends are about your height, and they are both very successful with women. You can always find a girl who likes guys your size, people are different and they like different things. 

Being rich, in itself, means nothing. Women don’t fall for rich guys, they fall for guys who honestly make a living, passionately like what they do, and try to succeed at it. 

What is it about your past? What did you do that affects your present so much?

Anyway, the bottom line is that she isn’t romantically interested in you, and she won’t be. Respectfully tell her that you have to diminish or cut off your contact with her because your goals don’t match, she wants a friendship while you want a romantic relationship. 

 

Edited August 6 by Gebidozo

[TheLostOne1]

2 hours ago, basil67 said:

170cm is 5'7

Yeah, My Bad.

 

2 hours ago, basil67 said:

she's NOT perfect.

There's a quote that goes like "If you look at Juliet the way Romeo does, you wouldn't see anything but good in her" (There isn't an actual quote like this in English, I just translated it and added Romeo and Juliet for better understanding)

 

2 hours ago, basil67 said:

Have you learned from your mistakes?

Yes, Of course.

 

2 hours ago, basil67 said:

Assuming you've finished school

I haven't. I'm currently 17. I didn't tell my age in the first place because I thought people would say that "You're still a kid, don't think about love just yet."

[Gebidozo]

2 minutes ago, TheLostOne1 said:

I haven't. I'm currently 17. I didn't tell my age in the first place because I thought people would say that "You're still a kid, don't think about love just yet."

I’ll never say that. On the contrary, do think about love. But understand that the word shouldn’t be used lightly. It can’t be applied to someone you don’t actually know, like in the case we’re discussing.

Love is something that grows out of lesser emotions, but those emotions are, so to say, “pre-love”, “on the way to love”: mutual sympathy, mutual physical attraction. Note I said mutual. If the other person doesn’t feel it, it’s not love and it won’t be.

Next time, when you meet a girl you like in real life, talk to her, ask her out on a date. Woo her, be romantic, show your affection. Don’t just be friends with her and hide your feelings, that is a sure way to destroy any interest she might have in you.

 

 

[basil67]

14 minutes ago, TheLostOne1 said:

There's a quote that goes like "If you look at Juliet the way Romeo does, you wouldn't see anything but good in her" (There isn't an actual quote like this in English, I just translated it and added Romeo and Juliet for better understanding)

This also translates to "Love is blind"   It's actually quite normal to think the sun shines out of someone's arse when we have early love feelings.  It's later on when you start to see their faults that you can figure out if they are the right person for you

14 minutes ago, TheLostOne1 said:

Yes, Of course.

Good for you!   Now, leave the mistakes in the past and appreciate all that 

14 minutes ago, TheLostOne1 said:

I haven't. I'm currently 17. I didn't tell my age in the first place because I thought people would say that "You're still a kid, don't think about love just yet."

Anyone who said that to you would be rude and patronising.  At 17, your hormones are in full flight and it's really normal to be dating and exploring relationships....and it's also the time when it's great to be asking questions.

It's not going to work out with this girl because she sees you as her mate.  Perhaps take some time and distance from her to allow your heart to heal, but in the meantime, find that sweet spot between study, socialising and local girls 

[ExpatInItaly]

You're young, so you're still learning what love really is. 

This isn't it. You're infatuated with her, but she's not perfect. Nobody is. Love runs a lot deeper than assuming that the other person is flawless. This is a reflection of your very young age and inexperience, which isn't a knock at you. Most of us have been there too. But, trust those of us who are old enough to be your parents that this isn't what real love is about. You will get there as you get older and form relatiosnhips in real life, with young ladies you can spend time with in person. 

As for this one, well, she is being clear that she doesn't have romantic interest. That doesn't meant there is anything inherently wrong with you. It just means that it's not a match and logistics prevent it from going any further anyway. 

11 hours ago, TheLostOne1 said:

what do you suggest me to do?

You need to put some emotional distance between you and her. Don't message so much. You need to let your feelings fade because this doesn't have a future anyway, for all practical purposes. You've become too attached to the idea of her, but it's not a real relationship prospect. 

[TheLostOne1]

6 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

Next time, when you meet a girl you like in real life, talk to her, ask her out on a date. Woo her, be romantic, show your affection.

I really mean it when I say I rather be alone and live with her in my dreams the rest of my life than to be with another girl. I mean like how can I move on and be in another relationship when I'm totally convinced that there is such a perfect girl, It's even kinda cheating towards the girl I'm in relationship with.

[Alpacalia]

2 minutes ago, TheLostOne1 said:

I really mean it when I say I rather be alone and live with her in my dreams the rest of my life than to be with another girl. I mean like how can I move on and be in another relationship when I'm totally convinced that there is such a perfect girl, It's even kinda cheating towards the girl I'm in relationship with.

Wait. So you already have a girlfriend and you're still wanting to confess your feelings to this other girl online??? Or, do you mean moving forward when/if you meet another woman that you 'might' become interested in down the road? There's a few things going on here. You're projecting a lot of emotion on a girl that you don't actually know, right? You don't know her favorite shampoo. You don't know her personal hygiene habits. You don't know her FIRST NAME. You seem to have developed strong feelings toward someone you don't really even know that well. That's not to say that you can't like her, or allow yourself to develop feelings for her - but to put her on a pedestal seems like a dangerous place to start.

 

[TheLostOne1]

1 hour ago, Alpacalia said:

Wait. So you already have a girlfriend and you're still wanting to confess your feelings to this other girl online???

No, I don't have a girlfriend. What I meant was that If I move on and get into relationship with another girl, I would still remember her. I Can't really forget her. So I guess it's kinda cheating you know? Being with someone and thinking about someone else is a pretty messed up situation.

 

1 hour ago, Alpacalia said:

You're projecting a lot of emotion on a girl that you don't actually know, right?

Well, I didn't say I don't know her. Although It's been about a year since I felt that way and started getting close to her, I knew her for about 3 years before that, She just sorta went offline for a long time and came back about a year ago and that was when my story began. I believe I do know her pretty much and it wasn't just some random person you meet online.

[BaileyB]

4 hours ago, TheLostOne1 said:

I really mean it when I say I rather be alone and live with her in my dreams the rest of my life than to be with another girl. I mean like how can I move on and be in another relationship when I'm totally convinced that there is such a perfect girl

She is not perfect (nobody is), and you will date another woman someday. You would be a fool if you don’t… as only a fool would pass up an opportunity to date an actual woman to cling to a fantasy he has created about a woman who does not want to date him….

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, TheLostOne1 said:

Well, I didn't say I don't know her. It wasn't just some random person you meet online.

No, but you have never dated the woman. You have not spent time in person with the woman. And as such, you don’t know her… you have created a fantasy about the woman you have been talking with online - which is not imminent, but it’s also not a real relationship. You are infatuated, you have a crush… you need to actually spend time with the woman in person - to be in a relationship with her - before you can say that you know her or you are in love with her…

[PT189]

21 hours ago, TheLostOne1 said:

So there is a girl I know online for about a year, from the first sight I knew that she is different and I was right, She really is

You've never met her in real life, you don't know anything about her.  Get out into life, meet people in reality.  Start working on yourslef, build yourself up.  It takes time and effort.

Don't worry about your height just go to Asia.  Plenty of men shorter than you, with some absolutely beautiful women.

[basil67]

12 hours ago, TheLostOne1 said:

....What I meant was that If I move on and get into relationship with another girl, I would still remember her. I Can't really forget her. So I guess it's kinda cheating you know? Being with someone and thinking about someone else is a pretty messed up situation.

You're quite right.  If you want to date someone else, you will have needed to get over your love for this pen pal first.  This will likely require you going no contact

[Gebidozo]

17 hours ago, TheLostOne1 said:

I really mean it when I say I rather be alone and live with her in my dreams the rest of my life than to be with another girl.

I’m sure you mean it, but that’s exactly the immature, weak mindset that women don’t find attractive. A man should respect himself and seek mutual love, not cling to a person who doesn’t love him back. Especially when the person is just an idealistic perception that you’ve constructed in your mind. This is not real love yet, just an idea of it, you see?

 

17 hours ago, TheLostOne1 said:

girl. I mean like how can I move on and be in another relationship

You can, and you will.

I’m 48 years old. Do you know how many times I thought I was madly in love? That I found “the one” and couldn’t lose her or my life would have no meaning? That if this or that girl doesn’t love me anymore I’ll never move on, never love anyone else, and so on?

It’s just an illusion, my friend, take my word for it. It’s great that you’re experiencing romantic feelings, I’d never tell you not to, go ahead and fall in love head over heels! But understand that this is just the beginning of a very long journey. The length of which none of us know! Which makes it so fascinating😊

Edited August 7 by Gebidozo

[Gebidozo]

15 hours ago, TheLostOne1 said:

What I meant was that If I move on and get into relationship with another girl, I would still remember her. I Can't really forget her. So I guess it's kinda cheating you know? Being with someone and thinking about someone else is a pretty messed up situation.

Remembering her isn’t cheating. I remember every woman I’ve been with, they were part of my life, they enriched it, and I recall them with gratitude. You shouldn’t forget this girl, of course. 

Having romantic feelings for one girl while physically being with another is, of course, messed up. That’s why you should respectfully let go of this girl, stop contacting her so much, so that your feelings will begin to cool off and you’ll no longer wish to be with her romantically. Then you will be open for a new chapter of your love life.

[TheLostOne1]

Thanks for all of your advices, I wanted to update some stuff here.

I have found some signs that she might actually be into me, I might be overanalyzing, or delusional, but I think there is still hope. I've read somewhere that women form love gradually, while for men it's like in the first sight, and that justifies how she thought of us as siblings in the beginning but we are a lot closer now. As an example, until like a month ago when we used to talk at night, she would say that we must go to sleep when it was like 12:30 am, but now we talk until 3 or 4 am and she willingly continues the conversation. (Please don't go through the health stuff about sleeping early).

By the way in a recent conversation we had, she suddenly told me that "My friends say that a boy can't be just a friend, but we are friends right?", It may sound bad but I will explain my perspective. She may have said that to make sure that there's just friendship between us, nothing more. But the fact that she needed to make sure of that suddenly after a year means that she has started to feel differently, some feeling that she doesn't want to accept just yet. Although it's just a hope, but the hope alone changed my mood from depressed into over the moon.

Edited August 7 by TheLostOne1

[flitzanu]

46 minutes ago, TheLostOne1 said:

Thanks for all of your advices, I wanted to update some stuff here.

I have found some signs that she might actually be into me, I might be overanalyzing, or delusional, but I think there is still hope. I've read somewhere that women form love gradually, while for men it's like in the first sight, and that justifies how she thought of us as siblings in the beginning but we are a lot closer now. As an example, until like a month ago when we used to talk at night, she would say that we must go to sleep when it was like 12:30 am, but now we talk until 3 or 4 am and she willingly continues the conversation. (Please don't go through the health stuff about sleeping early).

By the way in a recent conversation we had, she suddenly told me that "My friends say that a boy can't be just a friend, but we are friends right?", It may sound bad but I will explain my perspective. She may have said that to make sure that there's just friendship between us, nothing more. But the fact that she needed to make sure of that suddenly after a year means that she has started to feel differently, some feeling that she doesn't want to accept just yet. Although it's just a hope, but the hope alone changed my mood from depressed into over the moon.

this is what we call "mental gymnastics"

she's already made her decision on whether or not she wants to date you, it isn't going to take her months or years to decide.

and the part about her asking if you're just friends is her way of telling you that you are in fact, just friends.  you're being dishonest with her, you're not "just her friend" because you want more than friendship.  

[flitzanu]

now, i should add, none of us know this girl, and we can only tell you based on (our) past experiences with behavior of people.

the only way you're ever going to know is if you ask her on a date.

[TheLostOne1]

34 minutes ago, flitzanu said:

and the part about her asking if you're just friends is her way of telling you that you are in fact, just friends.

Yeah I actually thought about that, but I tried to focus on the other possiblity.

36 minutes ago, flitzanu said:

you're being dishonest with her, you're not "just her friend" because you want more than friendship.  

Yep, you said it. I don't think I can tell her how I feel, because if the thing you said is right, then what she meant was to keep my boundaries. So telling her would probably end in unfriending or atleast not being as close as before.

37 minutes ago, flitzanu said:

the only way you're ever going to know is if you ask her on a date.

Unfortunately it's physically impossible to date her right now.

[Gebidozo]

4 hours ago, TheLostOne1 said:

I've read somewhere that women form love gradually, while for men it's like in the first sight

That’s not true.

 

4 hours ago, TheLostOne1 said:

Although it's just a hope, but the hope alone changed my mood from depressed into over the moon.

It’s a false hope. She is clearly not interested in you romantically. You’re imagining things and keep feeding your delusion, this will only hurt you worse if you keep doing that. 

You should tell this girl honestly that you have romantic feelings for her and therefore can’t be her friend. Then stop contacting her I like that. It’s an unhealthy situation.

[Gebidozo]

2 hours ago, TheLostOne1 said:

So telling her would probably end in unfriending or atleast not being as close as before.

Exactly, that is what you should do. 

Do you want to cling to a girl who doesn’t love you, while pretending to be her friend? That’s creepy. Be a man, own your feelings, act honestly.

[ExpatInItaly]

Thiis isn't going anywhere, my man. 

Again, your youth and inexperience are leading you think this is the only possible girl for you. But she isn't. You still have plenty of life and growing up ahead of you and when you really start dating (in real life), you will see that this online girl is not the person you are meant to be with. 

[TheLostOne1]

13 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

Do you want to cling to a girl who doesn’t love you, while pretending to be her friend? That’s creepy. Be a man, own your feelings, act honestly.

Yeah you are right, I should tell her.