Kattt1230 Posted August 5 Share Posted August 5 (edited) Okay, so I have been doing something that is NOT right at all. Me and a coworker have been fwb for about 2 months now. Hills and valleys. This job is a new, part time job that I have had zero experience with. He has been very kind and helped me when I needed it. He was worked in this field for over 20 years. We started to get close. He eventually reached out. Things happened and here we are. Last week we were messaging back and forth. He wanted to meet up. I had worked both jobs and sick. I told him that I was going to shower and to bed. He said something that was super hurtful, and I communicated to him that it hurt my feelings. I went through the name calling with my last boyfriend and it ended up violent. Enough to where I have had to take out a protection order and dealing with a Victim's advocate. I sent him a message stating that maybe we should just keep it as a business situation. He knows all about the abuse, so it's not like it's something that would be new to him. He knows how it started and how it ended. Yesterday I had to work with him directly and he was COMPLETELY different. Short, not helpful at all, rude and just all around hateful. I know that I should not have traveled this road, but I need this job to get back out of the roommate situation that I'm in. There is an 11-year age difference. Him 35 and me 51. After I left work yesterday, I felt like he should know why I had to end things. I was starting to catch feelings, and I figured it would be best to just be business. The last thing I want is for either one of us to get hurt. He is young, no kids, and is still able to enjoy a possible family. I've done all of that. The last thing I want is to hold him back from that. Does he actually hate me and just want the FWB? What do I do? I have been kind to him just as I have been from the first meeting. I had one of his uniform shirts and a key chain that I had bought with the words "Drive safe" on it. I gave them both to him. I'm not a vindictive person. All I want is to have a cordial working relationship. I know that after the FWB we can't be friends with one another. I mean, I could, but idk if he could. What are your words of wisdom here? I feel so stupid. I know better.... Edited August 12 by a LoveShack.org Moderator fix title/clarity Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 5 Share Posted August 5 21 minutes ago, Kattt1230 said: After I left work yesterday, I felt like he should know why I had to end things. I was starting to catch feelings, and I figured it would be best to just be business. The last thing I want is for either one of us to get hurt. He is young, no kids, and is still able to enjoy a possible family. I've done all of that. The last thing I want is to hold him back from that. I think you should come right out and tell him this. He isn't a mind reader. He probably has no idea why you ended it. The one thing I hate is when someone says to me "You should know how I'm feeling" well I don't if they don't tell me. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted August 5 Share Posted August 5 1 hour ago, Kattt1230 said: He said something that was super hurtful, and I communicated to him that it hurt my feelings. What did he say, and what was the context? Link to post Share on other sites
semble Posted August 6 Share Posted August 6 He was being short, rude, and hateful. He brought that on himself. No explanation is necessary. Don't mix business with pleasure, because when the relationship ends, and most do, it makes things at work rather awkward. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kattt1230 Posted August 7 Author Share Posted August 7 On 8/5/2024 at 4:57 PM, stillafool said: I think you should come right out and tell him this. He isn't a mind reader. He probably has no idea why you ended it. The one thing I hate is when someone says to me "You should know how I'm feeling" well I don't if they don't tell me. I did tell him. I have no problem with communication. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kattt1230 Posted August 7 Author Share Posted August 7 On 8/6/2024 at 1:17 AM, semble said: He was being short, rude, and hateful. He brought that on himself. No explanation is necessary. Don't mix business with pleasure, because when the relationship ends, and most do, it makes things at work rather awkward. Lesson Learned for sure. I've been working for 36 years and this is the first time that I have ever entertained this. YES,YES,YES, lesson learned. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kattt1230 Posted August 7 Author Share Posted August 7 On 8/5/2024 at 6:00 PM, basil67 said: What did he say, and what was the context? He never acknowledged it, just kept harassing me for something that I could not provide for him. (PO #) It was his responsibility to get that when he picked up the call. His lack of concern is answer enough for me and helped me to get over his behavior. He must have finally opened up the little key chain that I gave and sent a Thank you message last night. I know he had a bad day yesterday. He was stuck on a call for over 3 hours lastnight in this storm. I didn't see the message until this morning. I sent him a simple you're welcome back. That's really all that I have to give at this point. He has already asked what time I get off and if I wanted to go do something. His "go do something" consisted of BJ and make out session in the past. I'm no longer interested in something one sided. On 8/5/2024 at 6:00 PM, basil67 said: What did he say, and what was the context? Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted August 7 Share Posted August 7 I'm not sure why you titled this thread "cancer man" but it sounds like, in simplest terms, he is a "bad breakup" who doesn't handle it well when the other person ends things. Unfortunately these folks don't have convenient labels identifying them, so many if not most of us have encountered a few. It sounds like you'll need to just make the best of the situation and try to avoid upsetting him at work (which may be easier said than done). Hopefully he'll cool off in a week or two. And yes, situations like this are exactly why some folks avoid co-worker relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kattt1230 Posted August 7 Author Share Posted August 7 27 minutes ago, mark clemson said: I'm not sure why you titled this thread "cancer man" but it sounds like, in simplest terms, he is a "bad breakup" who doesn't handle it well when the other person ends things. Unfortunately these folks don't have convenient labels identifying them, so many if not most of us have encountered a few. It sounds like you'll need to just make the best of the situation and try to avoid upsetting him at work (which may be easier said than done). Hopefully he'll cool off in a week or two. And yes, situations like this are exactly why some folks avoid co-worker relationships. Oh, lesson learned with this. I broke a 36 year no dating coworkers. I am the same to him as I've always been. His change in behavior has been noticed by another employee who knows nothing about us that I know of. The other employee said that he noticed the difference in his behavior for about a week now. That the way he is acting is unacceptable and he hopes that he is not doing this with customers. I hope that he isn't as well. I don't have any ill feelings. I just don't wish to be called names or be treated differently when he is drinking. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 7 Share Posted August 7 3 hours ago, Kattt1230 said: I did tell him. I have no problem with communication. Well, what did he say when you told him you were catching feelings for him and it's best that you end it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kattt1230 Posted August 8 Author Share Posted August 8 21 hours ago, stillafool said: Well, what did he say when you told him you were catching feelings for him and it's best that you end it? Nothing. He started not making sense. Mumbling, etc. Some of his messages from the past don't seem to make much sense either. I figured he may have been just tired from working so many hours After doing some research, I think my decision was the best for myself. Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted August 11 Share Posted August 11 I don't believe you are acting the same as you alway have towards him. That's not even possible. You've worked together a short time. In that time you've begun having sex, "catching feelings," sharing about the feelings, shared about your past relationship and being a victim of abuse ... that is A LOT. Very outside of anything that new co-workers at part time jobs would realistically go through together. Maybe he hates you, who knows, but one thing is for sure - you don't really need to be concerned about his feelings for you. Just keep in your own lane and do your work, if you want to keep your job there. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted August 13 Share Posted August 13 (edited) On 8/7/2024 at 7:06 AM, Kattt1230 said: He has already asked what time I get off and if I wanted to go do something. His "go do something" consisted of BJ and make out session in the past. I'm no longer interested in something one sided. On 8/7/2024 at 9:25 AM, Kattt1230 said: I just don't wish to be called names or be treated differently when he is drinking. Oh boy. This is so messy. I’ll do my best to give you some useful words, but this is a tangled web you’ve weaved, so I don’t have much to go on. Your ex-FWB/coworker’s behavior. He's angry now, my guess would be from embarrassment about being rejected. He was previously willing to hook up with his older coworker. I don’t see any real reason for him to hate you, but you’ve expressed some beliefs about your previous relationship and noted that you’re still concerned about being in a violent situation. It’s possible that you’re a little sensitive to him hating you because you feel like you’ve had to prove yourself so harshly before, almost like you’re starting from a disadvantaged position. Namely, you’re in a precarious position here—starting a new job and navigating a tricky dynamic with a coworker. Having residual feelings for someone who is a coworker, who is younger and also interested in the same field can put you in a vulnerable place emotionally. Your efforts to try and maintain a working relationship were rebuffed and received his anger. He calls you names and treats you with disregard. Edited August 13 by Alpacalia Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kattt1230 Posted August 13 Author Share Posted August 13 11 hours ago, Alpacalia said: Oh boy. This is so messy. I’ll do my best to give you some useful words, but this is a tangled web you’ve weaved, so I don’t have much to go on. Your ex-FWB/coworker’s behavior. He's angry now, my guess would be from embarrassment about being rejected. He was previously willing to hook up with his older coworker. I don’t see any real reason for him to hate you, but you’ve expressed some beliefs about your previous relationship and noted that you’re still concerned about being in a violent situation. It’s possible that you’re a little sensitive to him hating you because you feel like you’ve had to prove yourself so harshly before, almost like you’re starting from a disadvantaged position. Namely, you’re in a precarious position here—starting a new job and navigating a tricky dynamic with a coworker. Having residual feelings for someone who is a coworker, who is younger and also interested in the same field can put you in a vulnerable place emotionally. Your efforts to try and maintain a working relationship were rebuffed and received his anger. He calls you names and treats you with disregard. When I went in last night, I was told that we are down a driver, bc he had been fired. Nothing to do with what was happening between us as no one at work knew. It was bc of a major mess up on his part that caused the police to become involved and his going to jail. 🙄🤦♀️ Link to post Share on other sites
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