Capetownkendra Posted August 6 Share Posted August 6 I left my marriage after 7.5 years. My ex was psychologically, sexually and financially abusing me for almost the entirety of it. He also had an emotional (possibly physical) affair infront of my face for almost 2 years and I've caught him in several other "indiscretions". Can't imagine what I would have found if I went looking. Anyway, I decided I was leaving the marriage back in January after I found out he had committed tax fraud and lied to me about it for over a year and then lost his 12th job. I was in the midst of looking into divorce lawyers and planning my exit when an old flame sent me a friend request about a month after I found out about the tax fraud. We were just catching up as friends as we hadn't spoken in about 13 years. We started developing feelings and the conversation was very emotionally inappropriate for about the last 2 weeks of my marriage and in the last week, it started getting sexual and then I ended the marriage. I continued to pursue my relationship with this other man and it's several months on and we're still together. We have known each other (albeit on and off) for over 20 years. My ex had let himself into the apartment after we split one night while I was asleep and hacked and tracked my phone so he found out I was talking to this man. So, he's gone around telling everyone the reason the marriage ended was because I was having an affair. I understand that it was happening shortly before I left but I had honestly checked out of the marriage 5 years prior because the marriage was so bad and ended things 14 days after I realized I had feelings for this other person when my plan was to make a slower exit to save money and get my ducks in a row. I was already planning on leaving. The emotional affair wasn't the reason. It just fast tracked things. I understand that it was wrong and I shouldn't have even started talking to this person until I left but I honestly just saw it as catching up as friends and maybe confiding in him a bit as I exited the marriage. I had become very isolated from a lot of my friends and family as my husband did not approve of me talking to a lot of them. I didn't meet up in person with the other man until about 3 months after I separated from my husband who ended up faking 2 suicide attempts when he found out I was planning to see the other man. I do see a future with this other man and at some point I'll need to introduce him to my son (5 M). I'm just wondering with the volatility (which was present even before he found out about the other man) and the fact that he has convinced himself and a lot of his friends and family that this affair is what caused our marriage to end, I worry about what level of push back I'll recieve if I tell him I'm introducing this new person to our son. Should I tell him first? What should I say? I also worry about him trying to turn my son against me by saying things like, "Mommy broke up the family for another man" etc. He has used our son as a pawn and an emotional crutch the entire separation. I have no doubt that he will at some point try to alienate him from me. While we were together he barely paid me or my son any attention but since I've left he's been harping on how important the family unit is and "he didn't sign up to be a part time dad". He's also said he's forbidding any step parents (not that he can enforce that) and said specifically in one of his "suicide notes" that this particular man was to never be in my son's life. I get why this would upset my ex (although he doesn't have much of a leg to stand on having had a pretty lengthy affair(s) and years of abuse) but I also don't think it's fair to consider his feelings so much that I just cut off my relationship. I don't know what to do. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted August 6 Share Posted August 6 I think you're exactly right ex is going to say terrible things to his friends and family and your child. But you know the truth, and I assume that your friends and family know the truth, so you'll have them on your side. Thing is though, even if you let this current man go, your ex is going to try and poison your son and destroy your relationships with any future men anyway. So basically, you're stuck between a rock and a hard place, so if this new guy is up for the bumpy ride, you may as well give it a go. In your last sentence, you speak of considering his feelings. When you say "his" do you refer to your ex? His feelings on who you date now are irrelevant. At this point, I recommend you let your lawyer know what's going on. And importantly, do you think you and your son will be safe? That's some really scary behaviour you're dealing with. Make sure to change your locks so he can't access your place again 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Capetownkendra Posted August 6 Author Share Posted August 6 3 hours ago, basil67 said: I think you're exactly right ex is going to say terrible things to his friends and family and your child. But you know the truth, and I assume that your friends and family know the truth, so you'll have them on your side. Thing is though, even if you let this current man go, your ex is going to try and poison your son and destroy your relationships with any future men anyway. So basically, you're stuck between a rock and a hard place, so if this new guy is up for the bumpy ride, you may as well give it a go. In your last sentence, you speak of considering his feelings. When you say "his" do you refer to your ex? His feelings on who you date now are irrelevant. At this point, I recommend you let your lawyer know what's going on. And importantly, do you think you and your son will be safe? That's some really scary behaviour you're dealing with. Make sure to change your locks so he can't access your place again Yes, by "his" I mean my ex. I think you're right though he'll likely make my life a misery no matter who I'm dating. I think with this particular man though, there's that added element because he sees him as directly the reason our marriage ended even though he's known for a long time I was unhappy. He told me "I would have treated you better if I actually thought you would leave. I honestly didn't think you would". The other man has been incredibly understanding. He knows everything my ex has been up to and has stood by me and says he doesn't care with my ex throws at him and he's not going to let me ex dictate our relationship. Things have calmed down since all this nonsense in terms of the stalking/hacking/suicide threats etc. because he knows he's pretty much at the end of the line as I was prepared to lay charges for numerous things. Kind of wishing I had just done so when things were really hairy but I've held onto all evidence incase it ramps up again. Now he is just more focused on his smear campaign of me and putting stuff in my kids head. As for locks etc. he bullied his way back into the home (that I was paying for but his name was on) so I was effectively made homeless. My parents have taken me in for the next while and he hasn't come near the place. But I think you're right. He's going to speak ill of me to my son either way. His mother is his biggest enabler and has already told my child what a terrible person I am so I guess it doesn't really matter what I do. I may as well just carry on with what makes me happy and assume at some point I'm going to have to sit down and speak to my son but I'm just scared he's going to resent me or my boyfriend thinking that we were the reason things didn't work with his dad. Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted August 8 Share Posted August 8 Sorry to hear you've experienced so much abuse and are going through this. Manipulation, head games, financial and sexual abuse, suicide threats, smearing your reputation to family and friends, openly having affairs, believing you would never leave, ignoring your boundaries and rights, these are all common behaviours of the narcissist. I highly recommend getting yourself fully informed about this condition, there are some excellent videos on YouTube which can help you come to terms with what you've been subjected to and help you to understand just how screwed up your ex-husband is. Best video's to search for are Dr Ramani Durvasula, Dr Les Carter, and Professor Sam Vaknin. Once you're enlightened you'll be better armed to deal with the behaviours which your ex will likely act out in the face of divorce and shared custody of your son. Him blaming your new relationship is very typical of these people, they're so cocooned by their over-active defence mechanisms that they actually believe their own horse-s**t, it's how they protect their damaged ego. The good thing is that people who know you well won't pay any attention to the lies he spreads. The most concerning thing is the safety of your little boy as, no matter how long you've been married to one of these jerks or how well you think you know them, you can never know what lengths they'll go to in the name of punishing you, and children represent the ultimate path of revenge to get back at a mother. As @basil67 said, change your locks. Make sure that family and friends are aware of what's happening, and your lawyer, and police if any threats are made. Do not for a single moment consider your ex-husband's feelings, the reason he was with you is because you're too kind for your own good. Focus on the way he's treated you and do not feel any guilt or shame about your new partner. I would use the suicide threats as proof that he's unstable and shouldn't be permitted unsupervised access to your son. I wish you the very best of luck in dealing with this. Stay strong! Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 9 Share Posted August 9 Does your husband come to your mother's house to visit his son? Link to post Share on other sites
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