How would you women feel about this?

[wanderer777]

Ok so, about a year ago I '33M' matched with this woman '34F' on Bumble. We knew each other in high school. We never really hung out, but always found each other attractive. We hung out a few times and she felt like things were moving too fast (and they kinda were to be honest). It still kinda hurt my feelings, I guess I was really into her. I ended up getting with someone else to make her jealous, it backfired obviously and things ended pretty quickly after that. 

 

Idk why, but I ended up spilling my heart out to this chick (Probably too much). I wrote page long text messages telling her how I saw her so much differently than other women. She was willing to start over with me, but she went several days without txting back when we were supposed to meet. It kinda pissed me off and I told her "Take care dude ✌️"

 

I still think about her. She's still first place in my mind. She's not the prettiest girl I've ever had, she's ok looking, but in my eyes she's gorgeous. She's a good girl, she loves animals (her mom's a vet), she loves kids (I have a 2 year old son), she wants more kids of her own someday (same here) and she's the kind of girl you keep. 

 

I'm aware that I've probably f***ed this up for good. The only reason I got with the other girl was to dodge myself getting hurt. The only reason I told her to go away is because I felt kinda rejected. But I still think about her every now and then, she still stands out from the crowd. What should I do?

[basil67]

The only thing you can do is learn from the experience.   

Do you have a habit of self sabotaging?   If so, it's probably something you'd want to work out in therapy

[wanderer777]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

The only thing you can do is learn from the experience.   

Do you have a habit of self sabotaging?   If so, it's probably something you'd want to work out in therapy

Idk why I do it. I'm not sure if it's self sabotage or insecurity showing. It's like my ego goes into defense mode. She also could've reciprocated more but if she doesn't feel the same way it's a dead end and I get that. Would you see a guy again if he did that?

[Gebidozo]

I don’t think you should be in any romantic relationship now. Like you said yourself, your ego’s “defensive mode” isn’t doing you any favors. The desire to have revenge, to hurt others when you’re hurt is not a healthy mindset for anything pertaining to love.

Take some time off, try to grow spiritually, get some good relationship advice. I’m very familiar with the emotions you’re having now, and all I can say is you need to change, or you won’t be happy.

[wanderer777]

11 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

I don’t think you should be in any romantic relationship now. Like you said yourself, your ego’s “defensive mode” isn’t doing you any favors. The desire to have revenge, to hurt others when you’re hurt is not a healthy mindset for anything pertaining to love.

Take some time off, try to grow spiritually, get some good relationship advice. I’m very familiar with the emotions you’re having now, and all I can say is you need to change, or you won’t be happy.

I feel like I had a very human reaction to that and many people would have done the same thing. I've had time off, I've been having meaningless flings on tinder the past 2 or 3 years. But when someone actually means something it's a lot to take in, I'm not used to it and it ends up going sideways. I don't think staying single and starving myself from affection is the right move to remedy that, I dont see that making sense at all. Thanks anyways though

[Gebidozo]

44 minutes ago, wanderer777 said:

I feel like I had a very human reaction to that and many people would have done the same thing.

Just because many people would have done it doesn’t mean that you should do it. And “very human reaction” is a meaningless phrase people use to justify all kinds of crap that they do.

 

44 minutes ago, wanderer777 said:

I've had time off, I've been having meaningless flings on tinder the past 2 or 3 years.

That’s not “time off” at all. “Time off” means taking a break from dating and any romantic relationships (including “meaningless flings”), working on one’s own spiritual growth, becoming a better person, learning to let go of the desire of revenge and self-sabotage.

 

44 minutes ago, wanderer777 said:

I don't think staying single and starving myself from affection is the right move to remedy that, I dont see that making sense at all.

Better no affection than affection that invariably turns into vengeance and hurt. 

I hope you’ll understand this some day. I’ve been where you are now. It’s not a place you want to dwell in permanently.

Edited August 7 by Gebidozo

[SurfCity]

4 hours ago, wanderer777 said:

I ended up getting with someone else to make her jealous, it backfired obviously and things ended pretty quickly after that. 

Does this mean that you had sex with someone else or went on a date with someone else? 

Either way she probably believes that you had sex with this other woman even if you said that actually didn't. You don't say how long you dated her before you cheated with someone else, but not many people can forgive cheating especially not in the beginning of the relationship. 

Your years of meaningless flings is probably what did you in. You're so accustomed to quick sex and one night stands that you had that expectation with her whether you realized it or not, and when she tried to slow it down, you lost it. It's unlikely that you can come back from this. 

Edited August 7 by SurfCity

[wanderer777]

35 minutes ago, SurfCity said:

Does this mean that you had sex with someone else or went on a date with someone else? 

Either way she probably believes that you had sex with this other woman even if you said that actually didn't. You don't say how long you dated her before you cheated with someone else, but not many people can forgive cheating especially not in the beginning of the relationship. 

Your years of meaningless flings is probably what did you in. You're so accustomed to quick sex and one night stands that you had that expectation with her whether you realized it or not, and when she tried to slow it down, you lost it. It's unlikely that you can come back from this. 

When I first met her she wouldn't have sex on the first date, but we did on the 2nd. We weren't "officially together" or anything. Then it seems like she felt guilty about it and wanted to slow things down. I took "slow things down" as "put it in reverse, I'm not interested in you" so I met another woman, went out to dinner and we had sex. I wanted to get her rejection of me off of my mind, but all I could do afterwards was think about her and it just bummed me out. I figured that, thanks for the comment

[basil67]

3 hours ago, wanderer777 said:

I feel like I had a very human reaction to that and many people would have done the same thing.

We're talking about cheating on your new girlfriend in an effort to make her jealous:  Yes, it's a reaction that a self absorbed human may make and I'm sure some of them have done it too.   But don't be mistaken in thinking that a good and thoughtful human would do the same thing.

Edited August 7 by basil67

[SurfCity]

1 hour ago, wanderer777 said:

I wanted to get her rejection of me off of my mind

But she didn't reject you. Sex on the first or second date is extremely fast for a good majority of people and she had sex with you on the second date after you pressured her to.

Fast sex has become normal to you because that's all you've done for the past several years, but you've gotten out of touch with a large section of the dating world and now you're in danger of sex becoming meaningless to you. This is why the advice to take a break from dating and one night stands would be a smart move for you. It would allow you to attach meaning to sex again and would help you to have normal reaction when a woman wants to wait to have sex. 

From her perspective, you pushed her for sex and left the second that you got it. Not very gentlemanly and it's not surprising that she gave you a slow fade in response. But, It's been a year since this all happened; it's time to stop thinking about it and move forward with your life. 

Edited August 7 by SurfCity

[MsJayne]

8 hours ago, wanderer777 said:

I ended up getting with someone else to make her jealous

First you said you did it to make her jealous, then you say it was to help you cope with rejection, (in  other words, using the other woman you slept with). Either of those excuses would make me write you off as immature, self-absorbed, and lacking intelligence. 

[wanderer777]

6 hours ago, MsJayne said:

First you said you did it to make her jealous, then you say it was to help you cope with rejection, (in  other words, using the other woman you slept with). Either of those excuses would make me write you off as immature, self-absorbed, and lacking intelligence. 

Lol I don't think intelligence has anything to do with emotional situations. Intelligent people can be on all ends of the spectrum when it comes to how they deal with emotions. But wow, thanks anyways dude 👍

[Lotsgoingon]

Definitely immaturity. Sounds like your problems are serious---I mean you are way out there in the self-destructive territory. If you feel things are going too fast, speak up. 

But spilling your heart out to someone is third grade. We only spill out our heart over time, like months and months in a relationship. People can't make sense of us if we hit them with a volcano of words. 

Dating someone else to protect yourself, again, some kind of deep insecurity going on. 

Have you considered therapy? Your entire way of thinking is warped and it'll be hard to change that on your own. 

[flitzanu]

14 hours ago, wanderer777 said:

When I first met her she wouldn't have sex on the first date, but we did on the 2nd. We weren't "officially together" or anything. Then it seems like she felt guilty about it and wanted to slow things down. I took "slow things down" as "put it in reverse, I'm not interested in you" so I met another woman, went out to dinner and we had sex. I wanted to get her rejection of me off of my mind, but all I could do afterwards was think about her and it just bummed me out. I figured that, thanks for the comment

so you went on two dates with this girl and it's this much drama?

 

[MsJayne]

8 hours ago, wanderer777 said:

Lol I don't think intelligence has anything to do with emotional situations. Intelligent people can be on all ends of the spectrum when it comes to how they deal with emotions. But wow, thanks anyways dude 👍

I'll enter this debate  . Intelligence has a whole lot to do with how we behave towards other people. Emotion-driven behaviour involves using logic to achieve an end, (social acceptance and healthy relationships with other people), and in your case you came up with a plan which was supposed to make someone jealous. As you say yourself, it backfired, which means that it was poorly conceived and demonstrated a lack of basic understanding of other people. It's pretty simple, if you want another person to like you the logical, (intelligent), option would be to treat the other person with respect and consideration. The illogical, (unintelligent), option would be to behave spitefully and then sit around scratching your head because you can't understand why she didn't give the reaction you wanted.  Maybe educate yourself about the differences and commonalities between academic intelligence and emotional intelligence. Both involve logic. I see what point you're trying to make, someone can be an academic genius at the same time as being emotionally dysregulated, and someone can be hopeless at physics yet possess a deep understanding of emotions on behaviour and relationships. Dude, sometimes it's better to stay silent and just appear stupid than it is to open your mouth and remove all doubt.