chocomilk Posted August 7 Share Posted August 7 So, I (F24) upset my (maybe still?) boyfriend (M28) so much that I remembered him of bad times and now he ignores me, is cold to me and trying to work on the relationship is one-sided. It started last Wednesday. We tend to send each other clips that are funny, couple themed and such. Then he sent me one clip to me that stood too me the most. While I thought what the person said in there wasn't really tasteful for my liking, I also thought that my past behavior sometimes must have hurt him a lot. I'm not happy with myself and ruined a lot of things for me. I came to the conclusion that I'll seek therapy and work on myself, so that I and we don't end up hurt all the time. Since he is my boyfriend and I thought I can talk with him about it, I just told him that. At that moment he was very annoyed and since then, he has been cold with me. Nothing new for me, he always did that when he was upset with me. The next day, I asked him how he is doing, he's said so-so. "Why? Do you want to talk about it?", "It's alright", "Really?", "Yes", "If you want to talk, you can always text me". No Answer On Friday, I messaged him...no answer. I deleted it Saturday, he was willing to talk albeit still cold On Sunday, I asked him if it was about Wednesday. It was. His Problems are: We have no contact (We are Long Distant for now) He has to be careful what to say or send to me now (That was what he assumed from my message on Wednesday) And other things he doesn't want to say He doesn't feel loved when I'm not with him. Because there is not enough contact and how I come off in messages. All valid complaints and I'll work on it. I suggested a deep conversation about everything that is bothering us because I want to fix things. "Let's write what the problems are, how we felt with an example, and work for a solution together." "Okay" "Great, when would you be ready to talk" "Don't know" "How about that day? But it's up to you, if you need some time" "We'll see" "Whenever you are ready to talk, I'll be here" "yo" Yesterday, I wrote him one last time and he didn't answer. I get it, I got the memo. I'll cope now while working on myself. I learned my lesson Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted August 7 Share Posted August 7 If you've behaved badly in the relationship his view of you will be tainted by that, and if you refer to your bad behaviour and get a negative response it's likely that he's still angry about it. I'd stop communicating altogether because it sounds like he's having second thoughts. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted August 7 Share Posted August 7 My first instinct is to agree with the post above. But I'm second guessing myself wondering if he's gaslighting you into thinking that you're the problem. Can I ask what he sent you? I can't help but wonder if it was in poor taste and many would have been bothered by it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author chocomilk Posted August 7 Author Share Posted August 7 4 minutes ago, basil67 said: My first instinct is to agree with the post above. But I'm second guessing myself wondering if he's gaslighting you into thinking that you're the problem. Can I ask what he sent you? I can't help but wonder if it was in poor taste and many would have been bothered by it. In the clip a woman said “If your girl is having an attitude, just f*ck it out of her…”. I tend to overthink a lot and that transitioned to what I told him. I j dropped it out of nowhere Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted August 7 Share Posted August 7 (edited) 16 minutes ago, chocomilk said: In the clip a woman said “If your girl is having an attitude, just f*ck it out of her…”. I tend to overthink a lot and that transitioned to what I told him. I j dropped it out of nowhere Only a dickhead would post such a thing to his girlfriend. If you're up for a long thread, I think it would be helpful to tell us about some of the other things you've reacted "badly" to. I'm not convinced you're at fault here. Edited August 7 by basil67 Link to post Share on other sites
Author chocomilk Posted August 7 Author Share Posted August 7 11 minutes ago, basil67 said: Only a dickhead would post such a thing to his girlfriend. If you're up for a long thread, I think it would be helpful to tell us about some of the other things you've reacted "badly" to. I'm not convinced you're at fault here. That is kind of a problem. I seem to not act badly enough to some of his comments or clips. Most of the time he laughs when I’m visibly offended like calling me a dishwasher once or making a disgusting comment about a woman riding a bicycle with a mini skirt (implying her being a prostitute because legs open). One time on a date he had an argument with two police officers. They weren’t on duty, they were a couple who were walking out the dog with their son who just happened to be working in the police force. It was about respecting elders and giving them space to walk that path to but he was having none of that. I was very uncomfortable with the situation, ended the date a little earlier and he drove me home. He apologized for it but that is just how he is He occasionally would talk down about people with me but he had a lot of opinions about women in particular. He seemed way harsher about them. Even it is justified or not He is a car guy and loves his car a lot. We visited a restaurant and he would sit in a way to admire his car. He told me move a bit to the side because I was in the way. But he did it once and never again as far as I remember Most of the time we send each other clips about love, relatable couple moments or just some weird/funny gen alpha/ gen z memes. But one clip stood out. The content was to get into a car crash to appreciate him more. A bit jokey but somehow not so I asked if I should be concerned. He asked me if I appreciate him and that I should show it because I of course I do The mostly important one is where I reacted badly to him was him giving me the silent treatment because I reminded him of bad times like this for example, being upset with me for something or conflict in general I’d say. He is stubborn enough not to talk with me „you can ask my mother or my ex girlfriend“. He doesn’t seem to understand why I don’t react well to it Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted August 7 Share Posted August 7 (edited) It's not that he doesn't understand why you don't react well, it's that he doesn't care. Or he is amused by your reaction and behaves like he does to get a rise out of you. All in all, he sounds like a crass dickhead. I wanted to say that I bet he's still a teenager, but most well raised teenagers have more respectful behaviour than this. At this point, I'd turn the tables and make the decision to let him go....and this is super easy because he's not talking to you. All you have to do is block him without a word. I really really hope that when you've blocked him, that instead of sadness you feel a sense of relief. Find yourself a respectful local guy who you can have an enjoyable relationship with. You can do so much better than this! Edited August 7 by basil67 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted August 7 Share Posted August 7 This guy sounds like an insensitive douchebag. You should find a mature man with a grown up attitude, who’d actually care about your feelings and will try to adjust his behavior accordingly instead of behaving like a dick. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted August 8 Share Posted August 8 Don't date guys like this, OP. There were plenty of red flags before this latest episode. Just bow out and find someone better. Link to post Share on other sites
Author chocomilk Posted August 8 Author Share Posted August 8 He actually responded yesterday. He said that he came from a hurt place, he was betrayed a lot of times and his defense mechanism is to withdraw from people if they think they are about to hurt him. I told him how hurtful it is for me and he genuinely apologized for it. I’m exhausted but I just have a bad sleep schedule. Thank you for your advice, everyone Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted August 8 Share Posted August 8 33 minutes ago, chocomilk said: He actually responded yesterday. He said that he came from a hurt place, he was betrayed a lot of times and his defense mechanism is to withdraw from people if they think they are about to hurt him. I told him how hurtful it is for me and he genuinely apologized for it. I’m exhausted but I just have a bad sleep schedule. Thank you for your advice, everyone And what now? Aside from pulling away from you, he sounds horrible - are you going to continue with him? Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted August 8 Share Posted August 8 49 minutes ago, chocomilk said: He actually responded yesterday. He said that he came from a hurt place, he was betrayed a lot of times and his defense mechanism is to withdraw from people if they think they are about to hurt him. It’s good that he understands that. It’s time for him to start working on his mental health. Or, in simpler terms, to stop behaving like a jerk. If you’re willing to give him a chance, make sure these weren’t just words and he is actually making progress. Link to post Share on other sites
Author chocomilk Posted August 8 Author Share Posted August 8 (edited) After all, it is resolved but I don’t feel happy about it. I get overwhelmed easily from many things and I’m just emotionally exhausted. I have untreated ADHD and thought I can do it without it, that I don’t need it and especially not the medication. A lot talked me out of it (because of stigmatization) and that was a mistake. I need time to heal but I just don’t know right now Edited August 8 by chocomilk Link to post Share on other sites
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