AltplanB Posted January 7, 2006 Share Posted January 7, 2006 So i invited her to go hiking tommorrow over text message and i got a "yes!" Consider this a good oppurtunity as she is sending messages by adding pictures of us from back in the day to her profile and talkin to me again with a very positive appeal. I am gonna play it cool and calm and not talk about us at all, and im sure she will stay the night after the hike. Any suggestions? Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted January 7, 2006 Share Posted January 7, 2006 So i invited her to go hiking tommorrow over text message and i got a "yes!" Consider this a good oppurtunity as she is sending messages by adding pictures of us from back in the day to her profile and talkin to me again with a very positive appeal. I am gonna play it cool and calm and not talk about us at all, and im sure she will stay the night after the hike. Any suggestions? Dude....come on!!! Why are you doing this to yourself? Sigh, either way, take it slow. Have you learned anything from what we've been telling you. Whatever you do, follow Alphamale's rules. Just find a thread of his, click on the link in his signature file. Link to post Share on other sites
J dub Posted January 7, 2006 Share Posted January 7, 2006 Any suggestions? Why? So you can not listen to them some more? Link to post Share on other sites
AltplanB Posted January 7, 2006 Share Posted January 7, 2006 I would love to find a thread of his. But how? I understand you guys are pissed at me but im not gonna hold out for her. Im just gonna lay it out when i feel the time is appropriate. She still sends me mixed messages and i dont know whats going through her head. I dont want to appear at her beck and call but i need to find ways to make her interested in me again. Its tough as she has moved on from men before. The only difference is that none of them have treated her as nice as i have and none were there for her when she really needed them. That is why she is confused and willing to go out with me. we'll see. I got other girls interested as well but i really want this girl back. Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted January 7, 2006 Share Posted January 7, 2006 I would love to find a thread of his. But how? I understand you guys are pissed at me but im not gonna hold out for her. Im just gonna lay it out when i feel the time is appropriate. She still sends me mixed messages and i dont know whats going through her head. I dont want to appear at her beck and call but i need to find ways to make her interested in me again. Its tough as she has moved on from men before. The only difference is that none of them have treated her as nice as i have and none were there for her when she really needed them. That is why she is confused and willing to go out with me. we'll see. I got other girls interested as well but i really want this girl back. Alt, this girl is not all there mentally. She knows you will coddle her, make her feel good, pick her up when she is down and then minute she feels better she'll dump you for another guy. You're an enabler and you're going to get sh*t on again. But, you won't listen. I promise you it will happen. She's already exhibited this kind of behavior with you. She might even sleep with you, but trust me in the end you'll be back here wonder what just happened and we'll tell you the same thing we told you last time. Do you know what the definition of insanity is? It's "doing the same things over and over expecting different results each time." Son, you're insane if you continue to coddle and cater to this woman's every need. It's not sexy, not attractive and she's using you to get her current needs met. The minute the next guy rolls around you'll be left in the dust again. When are you going ever going to learn? The best indicatior of future behavior is PAST behavior. Link to post Share on other sites
AltplanB Posted January 7, 2006 Share Posted January 7, 2006 well you make it sound like reconciliation is out of the question for me. Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted January 7, 2006 Share Posted January 7, 2006 well you make it sound like reconciliation is out of the question for me. At this point, she's still the same person and so are you. Nothing has changed of significance to make me believe a reconcilliation will work. The changes she needs to make will take much, much longer than a few weeks. Same goes for you. Neither of you are going to change overnight. Again, past history is a good indicator of future behavior. Sure, I think you can reconcile but not right now. She has a lot father to fall in order to see clearly what she needs to change. And she can never do that if you're always around to catch her when she falls. Break away from her and maintain your dignity and self-respect while you can. You're delaying the necessary changes you need to make as long as you hang on to her. And she knows well that you'll be there for her every time she falls. Link to post Share on other sites
J dub Posted January 7, 2006 Share Posted January 7, 2006 Do you know what the definition of insanity is? It's "doing the same things over and over expecting different results each time." I cant even count how many times I have told people that very same thing on LS because people dont seem to understand that something needs to change in order for their results to change. You dont just lose weight doing the same ol things, you dont get more educated without changing things, etc etc etc. My dad was the one who originally said this to me back in the day regarding my ex breaking up with me, and how I was dealing with the outcome. It was that very same line that finally sunk in and made me realize I was being, go figure, an enabler. Alt, we're not saying reconciliation is ever possible. We are saying that what youre doing now isnt helping YOU. Youre doing the same things over and over as is she, and essentially that only means one thing: youre headed for another deal breaker. You both need some time apart to see what is goin on here, and certainly she is not going to learn to respect you when youre always around making things easy for her. Learning is a process of trial and error I realize, however you are repeating your past by acting the way you have been. You took the break up very badly and then the very second she showed even a glimmer of interest, you flipped and went balls to the walls thinking you were in the good again. This is a very, very huge mistake to make because clearly she hasnt done sh.t to change herself or her ways, and she is doing the very same things as always. Shes not sending you mixed signals either. Shes sending you a very clear signal, one you are unwilling to recieve. It is, "I dont want you back for a committed relationship, but it sure is great having you as my assistant". Link to post Share on other sites
helena abadi Posted January 7, 2006 Share Posted January 7, 2006 CaliGuy- damn good advice and many, many thanks. You could bottle it and make a fortune! the curious Love Tactics system reads like a con.... relationship advice written by sales marketing morons... BTW...as it's under discussion - enabling and rescuing those who love to be saved seem to be common, destructive dynamics in relationships. The person who does the enabling is a people pleaser putting their own needs on hold to put the other person first. Only when the enabler recognizes their own needs as worthy of attention, will there be change. As Dr Phil says, you can't change what you don't acknowledge. People pleasing is a behaviour learned in childhood. The rescuer is taken advantage of, in the end, and the person who loves being saved only considers their own needs. Both partners become exhausted by the dynamics. Grace2005 - I can put the ball out there but I can't make him pick it up. Thanx for your reply. Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted January 7, 2006 Share Posted January 7, 2006 CaliGuy- damn good advice and many, many thanks. You could bottle it and make a fortune! the curious Love Tactics system reads like a con.... relationship advice written by sales marketing morons... BTW...as it's under discussion - enabling and rescuing those who love to be saved seem to be common, destructive dynamics in relationships. The person who does the enabling is a people pleaser putting their own needs on hold to put the other person first. Only when the enabler recognizes their own needs as worthy of attention, will there be change. As Dr Phil says, you can't change what you don't acknowledge. People pleasing is a behaviour learned in childhood. The rescuer is taken advantage of, in the end, and the person who loves being saved only considers their own needs. Both partners become exhausted by the dynamics. People pleasers have low self-esteem, no self respect and do these good deeds to seek approval from others. When they don't get the same treatement in return they become resentful, often angry. It's the sign of a manic/depressive. One who respects themselves understands balance. When the relationship isn't balanced then it's doomed to failure. In Alts case, he's a people pleasure and she is taker. Very, very bad combination. Neither of them respect themselves or each other. They're not in a position to have a healthy relationship. Alt, I was most angry at you when you dumped the other girl in Vegas to go rushing out to 'save' your ex. How utterly cold and disrespectful can you be to someone? You don't respect yourself or your date. And do tell how you managed to be at the same place, at the same time, in Vegas where your Ex was and just happened to have a date? Hmmm? Sounds like to me you had this planned all along. And what did I tell you happens to people who try and control a relationship in such a manner? To quote Al Davis: "You are going to go down and go down hard." Link to post Share on other sites
J dub Posted January 7, 2006 Share Posted January 7, 2006 Alt, I was most angry at you when you dumped the other girl in Vegas to go rushing out to 'save' your ex. How utterly cold and disrespectful can you be to someone? You don't respect yourself or your date. And do tell how you managed to be at the same place, at the same time, in Vegas where your Ex was and just happened to have a date? Hmmm? I was thinking/wondering the exact same thing. There are hundreds of bars in vegas, and that strip is ginormous. It takes a whole lot of odds in your favor to work out like that...seems a little too coincidental in fact. He's already putting his name out there in the female world as a jerk by leaving this other chick by herself. Way to go! Link to post Share on other sites
AltplanB Posted January 8, 2006 Share Posted January 8, 2006 i texted her while drunk in the ESPN bar at New York New York in Vegas. She calls me immediately to wish me happy new year. She asks where i am and i say Vegas. SHe screams "IM IN VEGAS NO WAY!" she then starts saying that we need to see each other because she really misses me and that she still sees me as a huge part of her life. After i tell her its not a good idea because of the girl im with, she starts in on how she really wants to see me and starts pleading. I finally say ok and i meet her at the entrance. Shes plastered and startes telling me all these things about how she was sorry that she did that to me and that she still really loves me but she is so confused with her life right now and that she doesn't want to treat me badly and such. She then starts to cry and makeout with me at the same time..(im drunk too) lots of emotions... anyways i get her home and we hang out for 2 days. As of right now, we talked earlier today and i basically got the idea that she wants to try things again with me, but she is very cautious as she doesn't know if she can get those feelings back and she doesn't want to hurt me again. She told me that she broke up with the dude she started going out with immediately after me and that she isn't sleeping with anyone and that she feels the same way about me sleeping with others too. Right now she is going out on a date with some guy but because she is agnostic and he is Jewish, she doesn't see it going anywhere. were scheduled to go hiking tommorrow at 10. I just want to make it a really fun day and have no considerations towards ther being an us. I did ask her if i was just a buddy to her and she basically said no, ther still are feelings ther. So i work with what i got and guys, dont worry about me, if she ends up not going for it, i ain't gonna go through the same ****, i have another girl that really likes me and she knows it. Not only that, im really getting fed up with her unintentionally playing me for a fool. Well, laters. Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted January 8, 2006 Share Posted January 8, 2006 i have another girl that really likes me and she knows it. How classes of you to frolick with your ex and keep this other girl as a parachute should you fall again, and you will. I hope the new girl dumps you. Not only that, im really getting fed up with her unintentionally playing me for a fool. Well, laters. I hear you "saying" it, but your actions are saying the exact opposite. She's playing you for a fool now and you can't see it. Let the new girl go at least. She deserves to be treated better. Link to post Share on other sites
grace2005 Posted January 8, 2006 Share Posted January 8, 2006 Are Caliguy and JDUB still spewing out their nonsense advice on this thread? I have them on ignore so I can't see their posts. That book he recommended by dr. james dobson is a quack. James Dobson is a fraud. I've heard his focus on the family radio program. Alphan good luck man. Hope it works out this time. Just take it slow. Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted January 8, 2006 Share Posted January 8, 2006 Are Caliguy and JDUB still spewing out their nonsense advice on this thread? I have them on ignore so I can't see their posts. That book he recommended by dr. james dobson is a quack. James Dobson is a fraud. I've heard his focus on the family radio program. Alphan good luck man. Hope it works out this time. Just take it slow. Thanks for the laugh, Grace. I needed that Link to post Share on other sites
AltplanB Posted January 8, 2006 Share Posted January 8, 2006 ok are you joking or do you really think differently? Link to post Share on other sites
Aureus Posted January 9, 2006 Share Posted January 9, 2006 Thanks for the laugh, Grace. I needed that Why did Grace block you and JDUB? Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted January 9, 2006 Share Posted January 9, 2006 Why did Grace block you and JDUB? Don't know, don't care really. It's a sign of immaturity though, that's for sure. Perhaps he has a problem with hearing alternative opinions to his own? Link to post Share on other sites
ReluctantRomeo Posted January 9, 2006 Share Posted January 9, 2006 Perhaps he has a problem with hearing alternative opinions to his own? I'm guessing the "grace" in his name is either aspirational or ironic... Link to post Share on other sites
J dub Posted January 10, 2006 Share Posted January 10, 2006 ok are you joking or do you really think differently? Apparently Caliguy & I are the ones laughing here because grace is taking his "I'm going to tell the world whos right and whos wrong" complex far too serious. And believe me, he is very, very VERY serious I'm sure you already know this, but take anything you hear with a grain of salt. And perhaps a shot of tequila for good measure Link to post Share on other sites
AltplanB Posted January 11, 2006 Share Posted January 11, 2006 i think this thread is done... Link to post Share on other sites
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