So scared my life is over and it's all my own fault

[SSE]

Hello,

Long time no see… It’s been a while since I posted on LS, but here I am again unfortunately. Maybe some of you will still remember me. 

I had an affair with a MM when I was 25. He was my first everything. This lasted on and off for 3 years before I could break it off. Long story short: he used me for sex, you can read my previous threads on LS. It hurt tremendously, and as a way of trying to cope with the hurt, I started dating. I had already wasted too much time. After 6 months of dating, I met my current BF. Meanwhile the MM had promised to leave me alone. I never blocked him or at least not for a long time. I never mourned the loss of the idea of the MM.

I must admit that the MM was never completely gone from my mind, I loved him even though I was treated badly, but I knew I needed to move on. All this time however, I had the feeling I missed something with my boyfriend. I never loved my boyfriend like I loved the MM, but I don’t know if that’s even makes sense because I was never in a real relationship with the MM. I don’t know if I can compare both. I really struggled with this missing which made me doubt my relationship with my boyfriend constantly. The feelings for my boyfriend are less intense, and I guess more healthy, but do I miss those intense feelings… According to me, those intense feelings are good and mean you really love someone. According to me, if I really had fallen in love with my boyfriend, I wouldn’t have any feelings left for the MM. I don’t know if this is correct or healthy thinking.

MM began contacting me again after a year of no contact. He thought I should be over by it now and wanted to remain friends. However, the contact was very low (once or twice a year) until last month. He called me and I admit I liked hearing him again. He began saying things like he did during the beginning of our affair. I caught myself thinking maybe the MM really means it this time after all those years. Otherwise why contacting me again? I was thinking about meeting him, until I came to my senses after a message from him that gave me a panic attack. He wants to have sex. I don’t want to go down that road again. Not again feeling so anxious, low and depressed. When I explained this to the MM, he was surprised. He didn’t know anymore that I had been hurting so much even though I told him several times and assumed we were still good friends. That’s why he contacted me again in the first place even though he promised to leave me alone. He just really wanted to know how I was doing.

I have not spoken to the MM since then, but he is not blocked. My twisted mind and heart still think that he is worth having in my life because of that intense feeling I still have for him. Although contact with MM nearly destroyed me in the past and is destroying me again now. I know I have to block or even change my number, but it scares me because then, he’s gone for good. Just like that intense feeling I have never felt for anyone else in my life. That feeling I call love. That feeling I never felt for my boyfriend. 

I confessed everything to my boyfriend. He’s crushed and I can’t blame him. He doesn’t know what he wants anymore. I’m currently back living with my parents. I hate myself so much. I cannot understand logically that I still feel so much for someone who only used me for sex and still wants to do that. I admit I find I really hard to believe the things the MM says, but that intense feeling wins from my ratio. I hate what I did to my boyfriend. I should have kept the MM blocked and worked on the relationship with my boyfriend to see if we were a good fit instead of comparing our relationship constantly to the feelings I have for the MM. I should have mourned the idea of the MM. The idea of an ideal passionate love story. 

I’m 34 years old now, have no family of my own and will probably be single again. And it’s all my own fault, I know that. No need to tell me that. I just don’t understand myself, I really don’t. I went back to counselling to help me deal with the consequences of my actions. My therapist advises me to close off the chapter of the MM for good this time because otherwise I indeed will never have another healthy relationship and the family I crave. I need to mourn the loss of the idea of him and start my life without him. I don’t know if my boyfriend will give me another chance but maybe it’s better that way.

Last year I was diagnosed with a generalized anxiety disorder. This makes the whole situation even more unbearable for me. I’m really scared that I’ve thrown away my life and a possible family because of that intense feeling I have for a MM. I wanted that feeling gone and thought dating would help me with that. Boy, was I wrong. Or maybe is my boyfriend a wrong fit for me. I just don’t know anymore. The only thing I do know is that I’m so scared my life is over. That I’ll end all alone without a family. My biggest fear since I was a young woman. All because I can’t get over a MM that used me for sex. I just want a loving relationship with a wonderful man who I also can love with all my heart without thinking about the MM or compairing. That’s my wish. That would make me so happy.

Maybe you went through the same struggles I'm currently experiencing? Any thoughts and advice, I would appreciate a lot. Thank you.

[BaileyB]

5 hours ago, SSE said:

MM began contacting me again after a year of no contact. He thought I should be over by it now and wanted to remain friends.

In other words, he disrespected your decision to end the relationship and the boundaries you had put in place, dismissed your feelings, and ignored what’s in your best interest to selfishly push his way back into your life… 

Thats not something someone who loves you would do. It’s not even something a friend would do. 
 

5 hours ago, SSE said:

He wants to have sex. I don’t want to go down that road again. When I explained this to the MM, he was surprised. That’s why he contacted me again in the first place… He just really wanted to know how I was doing.

He didn’t want to know how you are doing or confirm that you are still friends, he wants to have sex again. That’s why he contacted you again - he wanted to know if you missed him and whether the door was still open for sex… The fact that the door is still half open has given him the opportunity to manipulate you again - he’s not done yet. 
 

5 hours ago, SSE said:

I have not spoken to the MM since then, but he is not blocked.

You know that you need to block him. 

 

5 hours ago, SSE said:

My twisted mind and heart still think that he is worth having in my life because of that intense feeling I still have for him. … that intense feeling I have never felt for anyone else in my life. That feeling I call love. That feeling I never felt for my boyfriend. 

You have some more work to do with your counsellor. I’m glad to hear that you are still working with your counsellor. 

[mark clemson]

You could have just told the MM "no" and gone no-contact and said nothing to your BF. Seems like it would have gone better. You didn't actually do anything other than chat with him, nor was it sexual until the MM brought that up.

Perhaps your BF is overreacting a bit? It's not like you actually cheated on him. Of course if you discussed "feelings" with him, I suppose that could make him doubt you.

If it's family you really want, did you have a sense your BF was on the same page about it? If not, perhaps that's a reason for your "lack of full commitment."

I do agree with your therapist's advice about leaving him behind fully. "Loose ends" have a tendency to interfere with new relationships, although to be fair to you it seems you felt this one was more tied up than it actually was.

[heartwhole2]

Every pairing of two humans is going to have a different flavor. With some partners, you will laugh all the time, or you'll have amazing sex, or you'll have all the same intellectual interests. With a different partner, it won't be like there's none of that, but it's different, and they have other qualities that you didn't have with your previous partner. No one is going to be a perfect partner or person in every way . . . what you are looking for is checking most of your important boxes with someone you get along with.

If it feels like you can only care about xMM out of all the people in the world, then you are addicted to the feelings. And feelings in affairs are always heightened, because of the intermittent reinforcement and the old adage that we always want what we can't have. Because an affair was your first everything, it gave you an unrealistic expectation of what it is to fall in love and build a healthy relationship. 

In my experience (I've not had an affair, but I've always had a soft spot for my first love), trying to stop yourself from feeling something never works. What we resist, persists. I find it better to step outside of myself and say, yeah, OK, so I will always hold onto that first love as an idealized version of what could be. Practically, that relationship would never work out. But am I glad that I connected with someone and they're out there in the world, maybe sometimes thinking fondly of me? Sure. I take the positive thoughts and feelings from that thought and leave the rest. IMO you don't need to feel closure emotionally in order to move on. The moving on is in the intention and the action that you take. It doesn't really matter if your heart comes along or is stuck ten steps behind. What matters is that you choose healthy things for yourself. Your heart will catch up in its own time. 

Let's think ahead to your future . . . you are dating an awesome man, and you fall in love, but there's no struggle or anxiety, and therefore you don't have the extreme highs either. So occasionally you think, "Well too bad I'll never have that crazy high again." Has that single thought ruined your whole relationship? No. It's just a passing thought. You don't have to have to do anything about it. Or you can say, "Yeah brain, those highs were nice, but OMG the lows were devastating. Never again."  It's fine to compare xMM to your new relationship, but just be sure to be honest about all the horrible things too. Isn't it nice to be with someone honest, who wants to be with you publicly? Isn't it nice to be able to contact him whenever you feel like it? 

When we know better, we do better. You didn't know better at the start of the affair. You do now, which is why you shut down xMM when he showed up again recently. That shows growth. 

6 hours ago, SSE said:

I hate what I did to my boyfriend. I should have kept the MM blocked and worked on the relationship with my boyfriend to see if we were a good fit instead of comparing our relationship constantly to the feelings I have for the MM. I should have mourned the idea of the MM. The idea of an ideal passionate love story. 

You have your things to work on right here. It may be too late with your boyfriend, but you can at least tell him all of this, if he'll listen. Your brain already understands that this was simply a fantasy about an ideal passionate love story, not reality. Your heart, well it's a romantic, and sometimes it gets lost in the daydreams. But your brain is in charge, and you can choose to reframe the story until you see it, and yourself, more and more clearly. 

It's cruel to hate yourself. You wouldn't hate a friend who told you she was struggling like this, right? Be sure to show yourself the same compassion you would show to others. We're all just doing our best, and when we know better, we do better. That's how it goes for everyone.

[Gebidozo]

6 hours ago, SSE said:

The only thing I do know is that I’m so scared my life is over. That I’ll end all alone without a family. My biggest fear since I was a young woman.

That, right there, is your biggest problem.

Fear of any kind is a terrible motivation for love and romantic relationships. It’s because of your fear that you’re having those other problems. 

There are big mistakes in your reasoning (because it’s based on fear, an irrational emotion). There is always a chance to have a love relationship, at any age. And being single doesn’t mean your life is over.

Break it off completely with MM and start cultivating your emotional and mental self-sufficiency. 

Edited August 7 by Gebidozo