Cheating. How would you handle this situation?

[FredEire]

1 hour ago, heartwhole2 said:

Now that we've heard more of your story, I do understand why you have unmet needs. The tricky thing is that we don't know if your wife is aware and OK with you stepping outside of the marriage on some level, and it's really not fair to take away someone's autonomy based on a hunch or a wish. But it's also not fair for you to be stuck in a caretaking role without your needs met. Unfortunately, life isn't always fair, and all you can do is be honest, with yourself to start, and take it from there. I do think you've fixated on minor things having to do with religion and interactions with your wife to justify your actions, rather than just saying, "I don't want to get a divorce, but I have needs too, so I'm going to deceive to get them met."  So you and Barb are pretending that of course you would leave your spouses for each other, except oh darn, forces beyond your control . . . But then you would be the guy who left a sick and loyal wife, and you would have to deal with the anger and disappointment of your children and community. And Barb clearly has her own reasons for staying too. 

It's possible that your wife would take charge of her own health if she knew all the facts, and that you two could have a better marriage, or she could manage her life without you. You've taken the path of least resistance, which seems to suit your personality. It's helpful to own that, rather than blaming it on external factors. There could have been, or still could be, a path in which you are honest and do not deceive anyone and still get your needs met. You have heretofore chosen not to find out if that can happen. Now what you fear may happen as well . . . things falling apart, you being alone and Barb being less interested when you are more available, everyone blaming you and pitying your wife, etc. I think these possible outcomes are influenced by how honest and healthy you are. Now you're already quite far down the dishonest path, and therefore there may be no coming back from this. 

Again, my advice is to get healthy, get into therapy, own your choices, and then figure out how to make your home life as healthy as possible.

Exactly, couldn't agree more.

You're really not responsible for your wife's happiness. May she fade away without you in her life? Perhaps, but at the end of the day she is the only one in control of her life.

It sounds like if you kept things as they are you would forever regret it, otherwise you wouldn't be posting on here. But I think if that's the horse you're backing you have to embrace it without grumbling, because nobody's going to have sympathy for someone who didn't have the bravery to be true to themselves.

Either that or be brave, take the risk and see where it leads, knowing that you're putting everything on the line but you've chosen yourself and honesty first. I think at the end of the day that will count for a lot.