Been date about 11 months, GF break up.

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Me(38) GF(27) Long story, I ve been dating this girl for about 11 months, before that we met at a.party and hit it off quickly. Similar interests in music and we could have a good conversation.

Some back story, I was.separated from my ex for about 4yrs before this started. The year I started dating this girl was about the same time I planned to finalize my divorce. I finalized my divorce early in the next year. Initially when we hit it off, I wasn't looking for anything serious and I communicated that to her. She kept in touch and we'd meet often and hook up. Eventually I decided to be in an exclusive r/ship with her. During our r/ship she complained about how we began, and how she wasn't proud of the period before we became exclusive. At some point during that time, she was.the only partner I had, and I had told her that...but we hadn't decided to be exclusive.

I have one child living with my ex, I have to make monthly.payments for upkeep et al, regular visits to my young one of course mostly not empty handed.. During this time I was dating this girl, and mentioned that I needed to rebuild myself financially before we can go on dates and what not. We didn go out once in a while but not at the frequency she liked. We went out with her friends once in a while, and the spend was not sustainable for me, because they were all single, umarried, no obligations.

During our r/ship I'm trying to save and be frugal but there was always the pressure to go out and hang out, she preferred some pricey places which I wasn't always able to afford. I ran into some family emergencies and car expenses which dented my wallet, so I had to be careful with money. Here's the thing, during this period, she mentioned she could help out, so once I complained to her about some expenses Inhad about my car, which I wa just saying to kind to cool off and woosah at the time, just expected her to listen, at the end of my rant she offered to send me some money which I accepted but later complained to me and said I should have turned it down...and that such problems are too small to be dealing with at my level...huh?

Fast forward I avoided getting any money from her, even though she offered mutliple times. One time I was in a tough spot, she sent me some cash which I'll be paying back...what irked me was a comment she made about it, she mentioned the fact that she loaned me some cash to one of her friend's who was mad at her for it, insisting that she should have not. I didn't ask, she offered. I was willing to wait it out until I was able to sort it on my own. She said that I should have turned it down...huh.

Then I got laid off, and started working contract work which meant my mind was honestly not fully focused on our r/ship. Within this time her work life is going great, gets a promotions and raise...and she keeps asking for an assurance that I love her and we have a long term future. I"ve been wary about committing full time because I know I need to get my s*** together first and given her premium taste in the back of my mind I think less than an year is too soon to start making such promises, especially given my circumstances. She drunk texted me at some point later basically breaking up, I ask her we talk about it when she's sober. Subconsciously I felt the r/ship was on the rocks and we'd end soon. Her birthday was soon, and I wanted to get her something nice already had planned and bougjt it...anyway a couple of days after her b/day she invites me to her place, she's a bit tipsy gets drunk and breaks up with me in bed.

Thing is I was expecting it, and was going to bring up our r/ship and would have ended with a break up anyway. Coming out of a divorce, this was my first serious r/ship. I think she wanted to settle down faster than I was ready to. I also think I needed more time to grow our r/ship..we brought a lot of positive things to each other's lives, I feel the timing maybe was not right for us. Key lesson, I think I need to work on myself first (settle things work/income wise, spend some time solo rebuilding financially, chasing my personal goals) before getting into another r/ship.

[Gebidozo]

I’m not sure what your question is here, but it’s a good thing you’re no longer together with that girl. You really shouldn’t be dating anyone who offers you money but expects you to refuse it. Life is too short for such idiotic tests.

Also, breaking up via a drunk text?.. Good riddance, I’d say. Respect yourself more and date someone who respects you.

[ExpatInItaly]

This wasn't a relationship that was meant to last. 

There were problems and uncertainty from the beginning and you're not on the same page at all.. Let this one. Continue to get your life back on track and then consider dating again (but not her) 

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2 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

I’m not sure what your question is here, but it’s a good thing you’re no longer together with that girl. You really shouldn’t be dating anyone who offers you money but expects you to refuse it. Life is too short for such idiotic tests.

Also, breaking up via a drunk text?.. Good riddance, I’d say. Respect yourself more and date someone who respects you.

No question in mind at the time, I was just airing it out. Since she was drunk when she broke it off, I want to have a sober conversation with her and plan how to get my stuff back and return hers. When she broke off previously via drunk text and we met to chat a couple of days later, we went into a winding conversation about our feelings for each other and I held on to the fact that I may not be able to give her all she wants at this time and somehow we continued. At the time I wanted to break it off after her birthday which was close, because I think drunk words are sober thoughts. Agreed on the idiotic tests.

6 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This wasn't a relationship that was meant to last. 

There were problems and uncertainty from the beginning and you're not on the same page at all.. Let this one. Continue to get your life back on track and then consider dating again (but not her) 

I agree, I guess I let me emotions get the best of me and ignored some of my logic. At the beginning, I did have some doubts. I'll continue working to get my life back on track

[Gaeta]

She sounds very immature & selfish. She needs to find herself a sugar daddy that will take her to all of those expensive places and you need a mature woman that understands fatherhood and all of its responsivities. 

[smackie9]

I don't think she was too immature and selfish....the both of you were just naive. You two have different expectations, and ideas on how things are supposed to work out. The end result you both didn't get what you want, and are disappointed. Sure the feelings are there and true, but you can't have anything substantial based on feelings alone. You were older, going though a divorce, financial strains, have a responsibility to a child....she's single, has unlimited time and money to spend, young social circle, going out, dining, drinking, partying, etc...two totally different lifestyles that clashed. Sure she drunk texted, and what not, but she's just as hurt as you are, and she's is struggling very hard with this. She knew it had to end, and it was difficult for her. You know maybe down the road in a couple of years, you both will be in better places and ready for each other. You just never know. 

[Gebidozo]

10 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

I don't think she was too immature and selfish

Testing a guy like that, offering him money and then making a face when he accepted it? That’s… in a way even worse than immature and selfish. That would be a total deal breaker for me.

[FredEire]

I think money concerns are a massive red flag. A girl who expects to be wined and dined and entertained and gets upset if you're not meeting her standards, it screams gold-digger and that you'll be cast to one side if she finds someone more fun and lucrative in her eyes.

Also the test with the money... clearly she viewed financial issues (which anyone can have) as unmasculine and unappealing, and manipulated you into showing your hand. Rather than worrying about living up to her standards I think it's better you broke up and you're free to find a woman for whom such things aren't such an issue.

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On 8/8/2024 at 5:32 PM, smackie9 said:

I don't think she was too immature and selfish....the both of you were just naive. You two have different expectations, and ideas on how things are supposed to work out. The end result you both didn't get what you want, and are disappointed. Sure the feelings are there and true, but you can't have anything substantial based on feelings alone. You were older, going though a divorce, financial strains, have a responsibility to a child....she's single, has unlimited time and money to spend, young social circle, going out, dining, drinking, partying, etc...two totally different lifestyles that clashed. Sure she drunk texted, and what not, but she's just as hurt as you are, and she's is struggling very hard with this. She knew it had to end, and it was difficult for her. You know maybe down the road in a couple of years, you both will be in better places and ready for each other. You just never know. 

Right, our expectations were different, which became apparent the more time we spent together and talked through things as the feelings left center stage. Naturally, it's disappointing despite the feelings built. I've been thinking about the drunk texting (no insults or anything nasty in the text) and didn't find it disrespectful...maybe more of the only way she could communicate how she felt because it was hard for her. We all react differently to emotions I guess. She's called a couple of times, while angry and talk about how we didn't work out. I haven't engaged much because it always feels like we're going into a heated exchange which could turn out unpleasant. Some part of me is wondering if she's going through the grieving stages. Anyway, I feel bad it hasn't worked out some part of me feels bad for her because she seems to be taking it badly. Well, time to work on thyself and see what the future holds

[heart_stumble]

I just realized this was in the wrong forum...I guess it's because at time of posting I was still in the relationship. 😅

Anyway, finally broke it off 4 days ago. It was amicable and we decided on going NC, which I think will be fully enforced after we return each other's stuff, I'm planning to do it in the coming week or two. It's been tough so far but with each passing day, I've been reflecting on the relationship and feel it was the right thing to do. During my reflection, I also assessed my attachment style, which I found to be more in the avoidant quadrant. I'll be doing some work on myself on that end as well. thanks all for your insights and opinions.