My long distance girlfriend doesn't want to send any selfies of herself or video call but also needs to 'recharge her batteries' before I can come and see her (which has now been 5 months)

[Dozii]

Hi, my long distance girlfriend is very insecure and doesn’t want to send any selfies of herself or video call and has been this way since we started dating (1 year now) I say she is long distance because of how rarely we actually meet but she is only a 2 hour drive away which I have told her I am more than willing to do every week but she insists I can’t see her because her “batteries need to recharge” and it’s making me overthink like crazy, why can’t I see this girl? She says she loves me and really means it but also won’t ever allow me to see her? Even just a selfie.

im going crazy especially since recently we was just chatting about our past and she brings up that she used to send loads of nudes to random people online and that she was a huge attention whore and it slammed me hard because to me that makes no sense. She doesn’t want me to go and see her irl, doesn’t want to even send me a selfie but also happily send loads of different people loads of nudes in her past. 
 

she tells me that was past her and she is different now but what am I supposed to do with that? Is it really such a tall order to want to see my girlfriend? She even said to me if I want to see her so bad to go onto her TikTok and see the posts and I freaked out at her after I saw her recent post was 2 days before, no makeup, no fancy clothes. I asked her why do I have to be like everyone else and have to just stalk her tik tok to see her and her being insecure is irrelevant if she has a post 2 days prior with no makeup or filter or anything, I told her I’m her boyfriend and not some fan on her tik tok, she keeps telling me we will meet soon but so far she’s being saying that for 5 months and showing no signs of it actually being soon.

im lost and not sure how to handle it, part of me wants to end things but part of me doesn’t, I do really love her but not being able to see her or be with her in any way is infuriating, all we do is text with a very rare voice call.

[ExpatInItaly]

My dude, you need to wake up. 

This isn't a relationship anymore if you own girlfriend refuses to see you. Why are you wasting your time? You're worried about the wrong things here. Her not wanting to send selfies isn't your biggest problem. 

Break up with her so you can find someone who actually wants to be with you. 

[basil67]

Consent 101: Nobody owes you nude selfies, even if they used to send them to other people.   As for the reason, she may well have decided that she was stupid to send them in the past and doesn't want to keep doing it.  Or she's just not that into you

I agree that if she doesn't want to see you then you should break up with her.  There's more lovely single girls out there

Edited August 9, 2024 by basil67

[Dozii]

4 hours ago, basil67 said:

Consent 101: Nobody owes you nude selfies, even if they used to send them to other people.   As for the reason, she may well have decided that she was stupid to send them in the past and doesn't want to keep doing it.  Or she's just not that into you

I agree that if she doesn't want to see you then you should break up with her.  There's more lovely single girls out there

No that’s not what I’m saying I don’t care for nudes but the fact she used to send them but I won’t get a normal selfie is horrible.

[Dozii]

4 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

My dude, you need to wake up. 

This isn't a relationship anymore if you own girlfriend refuses to see you. Why are you wasting your time? You're worried about the wrong things here. Her not wanting to send selfies isn't your biggest problem. 

Break up with her so you can find someone who actually wants to be with you. 

She tells me that what I want from a relationship isn’t realistic and that I haven’t been in many but surely a selfie isn’t a big scary virus of satan in a relationship. She’s an introvert and a little autistic so I put up with it a little longer than I normally would but it’s starting to effect my own mental illness of overthinking and I’m losing sleep.

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, Dozii said:

it’s starting to effect my own mental illness of overthinking and I’m losing sleep.

Break up with her. 

 

[Gebidozo]

My fiancée hates taking selfies and sending them. She also sometimes needs her “batteries recharged”. People are different. If you can’t accept her way of doing these things then break up with her. Personally, I’ve learned to accept my fiancée’s habits, but she also facilitated my acceptance by making compromises on her side. In your case, I don’t see much compromise on your GF’s side. Constant reluctance to meet would probably be a dealbreaker to me.

[BaileyB]

11 hours ago, Dozii said:

I do really love her but not being able to see her or be with her in any way is infuriating, all we do is text with a very rare voice call.

This is not a relationship when your girlfriend refuses to spend time in person with you or talk with you in any other way than text. 
 

3 hours ago, Dozii said:

She tells me that what I want from a relationship isn’t realistic

What you are expecting is very realistic for a romantic relationship - not the nude photos, but the video calls or spending time together. People in relationships generally want to spend time together. 
 

3 hours ago, Dozii said:

it’s starting to effect my own mental illness of overthinking and I’m losing sleep.

This is a good sign that you need to end this relationship. It’s not meeting your needs and it’s making you unhappy. Time to end it. 

[Dozii]

2 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

My fiancée hates taking selfies and sending them. She also sometimes needs her “batteries recharged”. People are different. If you can’t accept her way of doing these things then break up with her. Personally, I’ve learned to accept my fiancée’s habits, but she also facilitated my acceptance by making compromises on her side. In your case, I don’t see much compromise on your GF’s side. Constant reluctance to meet would probably be a dealbreaker to me.

I have asked her to meet in the middle, if she can’t meet then video call or at least send each other selfies just so I can put a face to the text but she can’t even do that because she doesn’t like how she looks no matter what I say to her, she’s super self conscious and that means I never get to see her, I don’t know what other compromise there is 

[Dozii]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

This is not a relationship when your girlfriend refuses to spend time in person with you or talk with you in any other way than text. 
 

What you are expecting is very realistic for a romantic relationship - not the nude photos, but the video calls or spending time together. People in relationships generally want to spend time together. 
 

This is a good sign that you need to end this relationship. It’s not meeting your needs and it’s making you unhappy. Time to end it. 

I don’t want nudes, I couldn’t care less about that, the point I was trying to make is that she used to send them a lot to people she didn’t know in her past and now she’s super self conscious and won’t even give her boyfriend a normal selfie just to ease my mind, last time I asked she got all angry and sent a selfie and said “happy now?” Like well not if your gonna be like that.

Edited August 9, 2024 by Dozii

[Gaeta]

Have you EVER met in person?

[BaileyB]

29 minutes ago, Dozii said:

I have asked her to meet in the middle, if she can’t meet then video call or at least send each other selfies just so I can put a face to the text

I think the question you really need to ask yourself is - is this enough for you? Or, do you want an actual girlfriend who is excited to spend time with you and share experiences together in a relationship?

This would not be enough for me.

[BaileyB]

19 minutes ago, Dozii said:

Now she won’t even give her boyfriend a normal selfie just to ease my mind, last time I asked she got all angry and sent a selfie and said “happy now?” Like well not if you’re gonna be like that.

Like I said, I think you need to raise your standards. It’s not wrong to have the expectation that you will spent time with your girlfriend in person - 

You need to ask yourself why you are settling for so little…

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, Dozii said:

I have asked her to meet in the middle, if she can’t meet then video call or at least send each other selfies just so I can put a face to the text but she can’t even do that because she doesn’t like how she looks no matter what I say to her, she’s super self conscious and that means I never get to see her, I don’t know what other compromise there is 

She appears to be too self-centered and immature to be in a serious relationship. Having a relationship means making compromises. If she doesn’t understand that then she simply isn’t ready.

[Gaeta]

They have never met in real life. 

So we have an online romance in which the woman does not want to send pictures of herself, does not want to videocall, and does not want to meet. She does not exist. At least she does not exist the way she described herself to OP. My bet is she's a 300-lbs woman living an online fantasy to get away from the lack of love in her life, probably in an unhappy marriage. OP, probably does not have a lot of dating experience, he's under 24, so he fell right into the game. 

OP: She will NEVER meet you. This is it, you need to end this. She is not who she says she is. She is using you as an emotional crutch, she probably has more than one guy on the hook to. 

It's time for you to experience a REAL romance and find a local woman.

[heartwhole2]

It is very reasonable to want your girlfriend to miss you and want to see you after five months apart.

Unfortunately, there is no way to make your girlfriend want this. All you can do is walk away from a relationship that isn't meeting your needs. She tells you that you are the one with unreasonable expectations, but you won't find a single person who thinks that it's too much hassle to see someone who lives 2 hours away more than twice a year. But again, it doesn't matter what everyone else in the world thinks, because your relationship is with this specific person who cannot/will not see you. 

I would say, she's just not that into you, at least not enough to overcome her anxieties. I would go find someone who is. Relationships shouldn't be this hard.

[NuevoYorko]

This woman and you are not in a relationship.  Please face that.  

[MsJayne]

Whatever weird game she's playing, it's having a detrimental effect on you. It doesn't matter what her reasons are, you're only two hours away from her, it's not like you're on the other side of the world, so her refusal to have healthy interaction while at the same time stringing you along is quite cruel.  Maybe back off with the sympathy and understanding, there's no good reason why you should be punished because she made some silly mistakes in the past. It sounds like she's just using you as entertainment, so my advice is rid yourself of this toxic person asap. 

10 hours ago, Dozii said:

She tells me that what I want from a relationship isn’t realistic

This is a load of horse-s**t. She is in fact the one who is unrealistic, (to the point of living in fantasy land). Relegating a partner to the status of a social media follower is something only someone with absolutely no regard for you would think was OK. Her words and her behaviour don't match up, and you need to take huge notice of that. As for her telling you she's a "little autistic", I think telling you she's a little bit of an attention-seeking fool who uses people would be more accurate. I wouldn't even bother explaining to her, she doesn't deserve the courtesy of a break-up conversation after the mind games she's been inflicting on you. You'll end up an emotional wreck if you keep feeding this particular type of monkey. 

[Dozii]

5 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Have you EVER met in person?

Yes but over the year with have been “dating” I have been out with her once and been to her house 3 times, last time was 5 months ago

[Gaeta]

28 minutes ago, Dozii said:

Yes but over the year with have been “dating” I have been out with her once and been to her house 3 times, last time was 5 months ago

Why do you endure this?

[BaileyB]

29 minutes ago, Dozii said:

Yes but over the year with have been “dating” I have been out with her once and been to her house 3 times, last time was 5 months ago

I wouldn’t call that “dating.” 

[mark clemson]

5 months? My friend if my "gf" wasn't eager to see me after 5 weeks I'd be taking the hint and moving on.

My assumption would be she is seeing someone else who's closer at hand while stringing you along as "backup" in case it doesn't work out. No reason to freak out over that (really). These things happen.

As I think most above are saying, you are trying to cling to something that's already dead here. Suggest you recognize that and move on.

[ShyViolet]

You really do need to wake up.  This is not a real relationship and she is not your girlfriend, not if you haven't even hung out with her in person in 5 months.  If she won't see you, won't do video calls with you, why does it seem like the appropriate course of action to keep clinging to this fantasy of a relationship and chasing after her?  She is never going to want to be with you. Stop kidding yourself into thinking she is your girlfriend.  She is not.  Put an official end to this "relationship" and find someone to date who is actually in your local area, not two hours away.

[Gebidozo]

4 hours ago, Dozii said:

Yes but over the year with have been “dating” I have been out with her once and been to her house 3 times, last time was 5 months ago

She hasn’t let you see her for 5 months, even though you live 2 hours away from each other? And she even refuses to send you photos of herself?

This is not a normal romantic relationship by any standards.

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, Dozii said:

es but over the year with have been “dating” I have been out with her once and been to her house 3 times, last time was 5 months ago

What on earth are you thinking trying to continue with this nonsense?