Lost Friend?

[LostStudent]

Hi, I am looking for input regarding a platonic male friend who has become distant.  We have been friends for the past 1.5 years.  Recently over the past few months I feel that my friend has been avoiding me and distancing himself, and I have no idea why.  We used to hang together regularly and he used to invite me over to have dinner with his family.  Although I think that we were both single, I am older than him, and I was always under the impression that he was not interested because of the age difference, and he never made any moves to indicate interest.  If he had indicated any interest, I would have reciprocated, but otherwise, I was also fine with remaining friends, and I considered him a very close friend.  But starting around May his behavior started to change, and anytime I would contact him about getting together, he would have an excuse that he was too busy.   We hung out a couple of times around the end of May/ beginning of June,  but around the end of June, I texted him about an event that we had attended the previous year and never got a response despite sending a follow-up text.  I didn't reach out to him for several weeks after that, but recently sent another text and again did not receive a response.  I finally sent a text asking if he was okay, he finally responded that he was fine, and I sent a follow-up explaining that his behavior had changed over the past couple of months and that he wasn't responding to my texts for which I never got a response.  

I feel deeply confused and hurt by my friend's sudden change of behavior. He has not made any attempts to invite me to get together this summer, and there was nothing out of the ordinary (ex: no arguments or fights) when we last got together a couple of months ago.  For example, did I say something that offended him and didn't realize it, does he have a girlfriend, was he uncomfortable and thought I wanted more - I have absolutely no idea.  Also, given that I attempted to address his behavior and expressed concern without getting any response, is there anything else that I can do?  Or will it remain a mystery why my friend suddenly decided not to be friends anymore?

 

[MsJayne]

My guess would be that something upset him, maybe something you said, maybe something you did, or didn't do. If you were close enough that you'd get invited to dinner and meet his family it would be strange if he met someone and didn't feel he could tell you. Unless he contacts you in the future I guess it's going to stay a mystery. Maddening, but sometimes just the way friendships go, and I wouldn't bother initiating any further contact. 

[ShyViolet]

You've already tried several times to text him and to ask him if anything is wrong, with no response.  His lack of a response to you is a response.  He's letting you know he isn't interested in continuing the friendship, and for whatever reason he has chosen not to tell you why.  There is no point to you continuing to pester him and chase after him.  Take the message that he is sending you... he doesn't want to be friends with you anymore... and move on.  Sometimes we don't find out the reason that people want to end a relationship, and it does remain a mystery.  If he doesn't want to tell you then just drop it.  Chasing after him and repeatedly trying to contact him will just make you look like you can't take the hint.

[LostStudent]

Thanks for the feedback.  It really hurts to have someone you trusted and consider a good friend go from meeting once or twice a week to suddenly cutting off all contact with no explanation.  I really value all of my friends and can never image cutting off any friend which is why this is perhaps so difficult to understand.  I don't think that I will ever understand.  I was always really confused by this friend because he seemed to always have a lot of attractive female friends who were never girlfriends.  I was always under the impression that he was avoidant and only interested in being friends and nothing more, and as a result I never initiated anything. I don't know if it was some mental health issue, if he got a girlfriend (although I don't know why he wouldn't tell a friend this), or if he was worried that I was interested and cut off contact.  Or if he was expecting something from me - I was single and wouldn't have been opposed but he just needed to communicate his intentions so that everything was clear.  Or I don't know if he is mad that I reached out and asked if everything was okay and tried to address the behavior.  He is younger than me, but the behavior is still extremely childish and immature for someone his age.

I have another male friend who I have been friends with for a similar amount of time.  At some point in time, this other friend clearly communicated that he wasn't looking for a relationship.  This was clear and I was okay with it, and we have been good friends since without any complications. The other friend and I hang out occasionally and do similar things, and there have never been any issues.  Clearly it is possible to just communicate without having to cut someone off.  Over the years, I have had other male friends and no one has ever acted like this former friend.

To add to the situation, I had a recent serious health issue.  During this time, every other friend of mine reached out to ask how I was doing, and I realize how lucky I am to have such great friends.  Of course - this one friend was the only one to never once reached out to me and also never responded when I tried to initiate contact after recovering.

[Acacia98]

4 hours ago, LostStudent said:

To add to the situation, I had a recent serious health issue.  During this time, every other friend of mine reached out to ask how I was doing, and I realize how lucky I am to have such great friends.  Of course - this one friend was the only one to never once reached out to me and also never responded when I tried to initiate contact after recovering.

So sorry for the hurt you're going through. Unfortunately, there's nothing you can do beyond accepting that the friendship is over. So do what you can to mourn it. You will eventually start to feel better.

Based on the bit I've quoted above, it is possible that your falling sick or something along those lines is the reason he distanced himself. Some people are like that: They pull away when something happens that turns their friend into the center of attention. It could be a tragedy or good news. The thing is, they don't want to invest their energy in you. As far as they're concerned, the opposite is supposed to happen: you are supposed to invest your energy and time in them. They're basically very self-centered. So they typically arrange their friendships and relationships in such a way that the other person is almost always meeting their needs. The minute something happens to upset the dynamic, they disappear. If this is what happened in your situation, then there are bound to have been previous events that fit this pattern: maybe they pulled back when you suffered a loss or got a job promotion. It may not have been as obvious as his present disappearance. Perhaps he ignored you for a few days that time.

Of course, this is all speculation on my part. So I could be entirely wrong. But I just want you to realize that what happened to you is not unusual. Sometimes people do this kind of thing. And it's not always because of the reasons you considered. You may be inclined to think it's your fault and you did something wrong, but that could be far from the truth. So set aside whatever guilt you may have and allow yourself to move forward. And remember: if he decides to pop out of the woodwork some time in the future, it is well within your rights to choose to ignore him.

Edited October 5 by Acacia98

[Leihla_B]

On 8/9/2024 at 12:30 AM, LostStudent said:

I sent a follow-up explaining that his behavior had changed over the past couple of months and that he wasn't responding to my texts for which I never got a response.  

You made a statement rather than asking a question, which he may have viewed as an accusation rather than something he desired to address. You'd really have zero to lose by asking the question, "Is there anything I've said or done to alienate you?"

 

Edited October 5 by Leihla_B

[stillafool]

My guess is that he now has a girlfriend who he knows would not be happy with him hanging out with a female friend even if she is an older woman.  He probably finds it awkward to explain this to you, so he is distancing himself in hopes that you get the message that the friendship is over.  There's nothing you can do but move on.